Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 12

INTERMENT AND CREMATION

Etiquette has nothing to say with regard to the disposal of the body of the deceased. Whether it is to be interred or cremated, whether the casket shall rest in a grave or a vault or a mausoleum or whether the ashes shall be preserved in an urn or scattered upon a well-loved river or hill or upon some other chosen spot is entirely a matter of personal preference.

But etiquette unites with the laws of beauty and refined sentiment in protesting against the erecting of hideous monuments with absurd inscriptions. The purpose of the tombstone is to mark the resting place and to bear the name and the date of the birth and death of the person who lies beneath it. If the life itself has not left a record that will last a marble slab will not do much to perpetuate it. Sometimes there is a special achievement or a mark of distinction which may with propriety be cut into the stone or the family of the deceased may inscribe thereupon an expression of their grief or love; but flowery inscriptions belong to the past and since there are no words that can adequately express the grief of a sorrowing family for one who has died it is perhaps best not to attempt it.

The hour at which the interment is to take place is appointed to suit the convenience of the family. In cities where a multiplicity of duties makes attendance in the daytime difficult it is customary to have evening services, but under all other circ.u.mstances the funeral is scheduled to take place during the day.

MOURNING DRESS

Grief turns instinctively to the somber garments of mourning for the slight measure of comfort which they give, but modern ideas of enlightened civilization look with disfavor on long crepe veils and any other form of mourning that is so p.r.o.nounced as to be ostentatious.

Black is very depressing, especially to young children, and a mother, however deep her sorrow because of the death of one of her children should keep this in mind and should, at any rate, not wear black every day. If she likes she may wear mourning when she leaves the house. It is a sort of protection, for strangers and thoughtless friends will not be so likely to make remarks that will wound, if they have the black dress to remind them of the bereavement which the mother has suffered.

Under any other circ.u.mstances the wearing of colors at home and black abroad is a form of hypocrisy, and is, of course, to be deplored.

Black fabrics for mourning should not have a shiny finish nor should they be trimmed except in the simplest way possible. Serge, cloth, duvetyn, Canton crepe, pongee, chiffon, and georgette are appropriate but one should avoid velvets and most fur tr.i.m.m.i.n.gs. The most suitable furs are plain black seal, fox, lynx, etc., though others may be worn.

Bright linings are not permissible.

A woman in mourning does not wear jewelry aside from the wedding and engagement rings. Dull bar pins may be used whenever needed and a brooch, plain or set with pearl, may be worn. Dress accessories should be of dull black, purse, gloves, etc. Handkerchiefs may have a black border or they may be pure white.

The length of the mourning period depends upon the tie which existed between the deceased and the bereaved. Except for an elderly woman whose husband has died and who never intends taking off black the longest period is usually two years, the first in deep mourning, the next in "second mourning" during which time gray, lavender, purple and black-and-white may be worn. This may be shortened at discretion to six months of deep mourning followed by six months of semi-mourning or three months of deep mourning and six of half mourning. The change from black to colors should never be so abrupt as to be startling.

A girl does not wear mourning for her fiance except under extenuating circ.u.mstances. If he died on the eve of the wedding it is permissible but if the date for the wedding had not been set or if the engagement had not been announced it is questionable form for her to go into mourning for him. It is a very delicate matter and the final court of appeals is the young lady herself. But she should remember that the garments of mourning are after all only a symbol of grief and she should hesitate a long time before a.s.suming them. Her mourning outfit is like that of a widow and she wears it for the same length of time.

Children should never wear black. Upon the death of a parent they may wear white perhaps relieved by lavender for six months or so. They do not use mourning stationery and they do not carry black bordered handkerchiefs. A girl fifteen or sixteen may wear delicate grays, lavenders, and mixed goods as well as white, but she should not wear black.

There is no iron-clad rule concerning mourning, and one may or may not wear it. Even a widow, a daughter, or a mother is under no compulsion to do so, though to appear in bright colors shortly after the death of a beloved one is certainly an evidence of bad taste.

MOURNING DRESS FOR MEN

The mourning outfit for men is not so p.r.o.nounced as that for women. A black suit with dull black shoes, black gloves and white linen const.i.tutes first mourning. Many men use only the black band around the coat sleeve. The custom grew out of the English practice of having the servants wear the black band in households that could not afford a complete mourning outfit, and for this reason has met with disfavor among the fastidious in this country. It has this much in its favor: it accomplishes the purpose of full mourning with the added virtue of economy, and when one's life has to be conducted on a frugal scale it is better to wear the simple black band than to spend one's substance foolishly for mourning.

A widower wears mourning for a year or a year and a half while a man grieving for some other relative than his wife may wear mourning a year or six months as he prefers. First mourning consists of a suit of black with white linen, and dull accessories such as shoes, gloves, cuff links, etc. The hat may have a crepe border but it should not be a very wide one. For second mourning his suit is of gray or black, with gray gloves, white linen, etc. Men should never carry black bordered handkerchiefs. A man wears mourning for a wife, a child, a parent, or a brother or sister the length of time depending upon the strength of the bond which held them together.

MOURNING STATIONERY

White stationery of a good quality is correct for _all_ occasions and mourning is no exception. That which has a narrow black border is good but a border nearly an inch wide is in bad taste. After three months have pa.s.sed gray stationery is permissible.

Since there are no formal invitations issued during the period of mourning there are no special forms for them. There are, however, in addition to the regular mourning stationery cards acknowledging expressions of sympathy. These may be had from any up-to-date stationer's. They may or may not have the black border. The following is an example of such a card:

_Mr. and Mrs. N. C. Graham thank you for your kind expression of sympathy during their recent bereavement._

The visiting card may have an un.o.btrusive border of black. The border on this and on the stationery may be lessened from time to time during the period of mourning or it may remain the same until it is discarded altogether.

CHAPTER VIII

CHRISTENINGS

ANNOUNCING THE BIRTH OF THE CHILD

When a child is born the mother and father announce the fact to their friends by means of cards. These may be obtained in the prevailing style from any good stationer. Sometimes only one card is sent bearing the names of the parents and that of the child or the word, "Son" or "Daughter" if the name has not been decided upon. Another fashion which has become standard is the use of two cards, one somewhat larger than the ordinary visiting card and attached to it by a tiny white ribbon one very much smaller bearing the name of the infant. There are also dainty and attractive cards specially designed for the occasion. While these are not so formal as the plain white cards they are, when chosen with discrimination, very delightful and almost as personal as a note.

Notes are usually sent only to one's most intimate friends.

RESPONDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT

Friends of the parents will, of course, hasten to congratulate them upon their good fortune. They may send flowers, magazines, jellies, etc., to the mother and to the youngster some little article pleasing because of its beauty or its utility. Gifts are not necessary, however, and a warm and sincere note expressing one's happiness at the good fortune of the parents is quite sufficient. The note _must not be perfunctory_. You must remember that the child of your friend is the most wonderful infant that ever came to earth to live (and if your private opinion is to the contrary it is best to keep it private), and that conventional phrases are entirely inadequate. On the other hand it will not do to gush. Simplicity and sincerity are the best means to attain the end desired.

G.o.dPARENTS

In the old world the selection of G.o.dparents is a very important duty and the office of the G.o.dfather and the G.o.dmother is actual rather than theoretical; but in this country it has a tendency to become a mere form. This should not be the case, for it is a high tribute to a friend to ask him to be the G.o.dfather of one's child and it is often an excellent thing for the child. It a.s.sures him at least one friend older than himself who has a very special interest in his welfare.

There may be four sponsors, or two, as one chooses, but in America there are usually only two, a G.o.dfather and a G.o.dmother. Whenever possible they should be asked in person and they should never be asked through a formally engraved card. For the sponsors are always intimate friends of the mother and father or relatives for whom they feel the highest regard. It is the interest of the child that is at stake and this should be taken into consideration by the parents before they make their final selection.

The duties of the G.o.dparents are not onerous. They promise always to befriend the child and at the time of the christening they present it with a gift of some sort--jewelry, garments, carriage or toilette accessories. They are present at the baptism, if possible, and accompany the mother and father to the altar. The father and G.o.dfather have little to do beyond lending the grace of their presence to the occasion. The G.o.dmother carries the infant to the altar, resplendent in his christening robe, and at the proper time hands it to the clergyman.

If there are no sponsors the office of the G.o.dmother at the church may be filled by the baby's nurse or by the mother herself.

INVITATIONS TO A CHRISTENING

The christening is rarely an elaborate affair and the only guests are relatives and close friends. If it is not too much of a tax on the mother it is very lovely for her to write personal notes to each guest asking him or her to be present at the ceremony. If there is to be a considerable number present engraved cards may be dispatched. Examples of both the formal and the informal invitation are given below:

_June 6, 19--_

_My dear Grace_,

_The baby is to be christened next Sunday at four o'clock at the Brick Church and both Harry and I are anxious to have you present.

I think Harry Jr. would be also if he were old enough to know what it is all about._

_Cordially yours,_

_Alice F. Duncan._

_Mr. and Mrs. Harry T. Duncan request the pleasure of your company at the christening of their son on Sunday afternoon, June 6 at four o'clock at the Brick Church_

A CHURCH CHRISTENING

If the christening is to be an occasion of great formality and elaboration the church should be decorated, not elaborately as for a wedding but simply and prettily with smilax and ferns and delicate white flowers or in some other way that will indicate that the event is for a child and not for an older person.

The child's christening robe should be simple but exquisite. He may be brought in more gracefully if he is carried on a pillow or a _porte-bebe_.