Bitter Is The New Black Part 32

To: Landlord Bill From: [email protected] Date: April 16, 2004 Subject: Good for you!

Bill, Congrats on your new job! I'm sure you'll be great, but I do have one bit of advice as you embark on the largest construction project in the country: MAKE SURE THE CONTRACTORS CONNECT THE AIR CONDITIONING TO AN ELECTRICAL SOURCE.

Best, Jen

To: [email protected] From: Date: January 26, 2005 Subject: Open Position Kathleen, I saw on Monster.com that you guys are hiring a Strategic Account Manager to build your public policy vertical market. With my Political Science degree and successful track record within Corp Com, I'd be the ideal fit for this job.

Too bad I can't apply for it because I'll be busy finishing the layoff memoir the Penguin Group just bought from me.

Bitter Is the New Black, available March, 2006.

Best, Jen212

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

Gah, where to begin? Because I certainly didn't get here alone. OK, first the big guns-a million thanks to Kate Garrick, Brian DeFiore and the rest of team DeFiore & Co. You guys have no idea how much you rock. (Kate, I still don't understand how you could remain professional during even my most aggression-laced panic attacks.) (I mean, really, how?) (Perhaps you know I suck, but my innate charm makes up for it, yes?) I also have boatloads of grat.i.tude for everyone at Penguin/NAL. From the book's impeccable style and gorgeous cover (thanks, Art Dept. and Jaya Micelli!) to the fabulous promotion (yay, Sales and Publicity especially Mary Ann Zissimos, who has totally earned BFF bragging rights!) to my free rein over the content, your hard work made the process way too easy. I'd like to particularly acknowledge Rose Hilliard for her competence and my outstanding editor, Kara Cesare. Kara, from our very first conversation about The Bachelor, I knew you'd "get it"-thanks for far exceeding my expectations! I owe you a bathtub full of dirty martinis.

I want to send major hugs and kisses (who am I kidding-I want to send Fendi bags) to Mary Pachnos at Gillon Aitken in the UK and Lisa Highton of Hachette Livre Australia for making Bitter bihemispheric. (Is that a real word?) Thank you big, screaming bunches!

In addition, thanks to my parents, who with raised eyebrows continued to write me checks, never once breathing the words "bad debt" or "We can expect repayment when?" Love you guys and promise not to stick you in a discount nursing home when the time comes. Todd and the kids-thanks for the gentle (ha!) reminder that it's not all about me and to Jean for being one h.e.l.l of a sister-in-law.

To my friends who continue to want to be around me despite the fact you're obligated neither by blood nor business-you guys are the best. Particular thanks to Melissa Lovitt, Shayla Thiel, Carol Kohrs, Jen Draffen, Nick Dorado, Mark Salyers, Angie Felton, Amy Lamare, Martha Kimes, Joellen Meitl, Don Brockette, Bill "Hackman" Medley, Mike "Roadancer" Shoupe, Debby Dong, Jolene Siana, and Katerina Paulic. Drinks are on me.

Finally, I'm incredibly grateful to everyone who visited and linked to my Web site over the past few years. (Bless you, Todd "Odd Todd" Rosenberg.) I'm perpetually delighted to hear from you guys, and your words of encouragement were a driving factor in bringing this book to fruition. Most of all, this book is for you. (And for the a.s.s hats who sent me hate mail? Ditto.) Oh, wait.... Fletch? I'd marry you again even if my mother weren't paying....

ABOUT THE AUTHOR.

Photo by Todd Lancaster Jen Lancaster, a former a.s.sociate vice president at an investment research firm, is now the proprietor of the popular blog www.jennsylvania.com. She lives in Chicago.

1Seriously, if the basketball team kept their hands on the ball half as often as they tried on my a.s.s, we'd have totally won the Big Ten Conference that year.

2OK, exactly how did this idiot get hired here? We're supposed to be the best and brightest in our industry (which is media and communications).

3And why the h.e.l.l is a VEGAN on a fishing trip in the first place?

4Oh, relax. I gave a totally big donation to the local food bank as soon as I started making big commissions.

5Your boss does NOT need to know if you possess an innie or an outie.

6Seriously, look at all the jewelry pirates wear.

7Mmm-hmm, work it, girl.

8Smart boy, and precisely the reason I've never stabbed him with a wayward dessert fork.

9Shhh-it's clear mascara.

10Extra foamy, one NutraSweet, and make it snappy.

11Which I may have done once. Or possibly twice.

12Share my roof deck? Never!

13f.u.c.king loser.

14Somehow, my flat, slightly nasal, dandelion-and-Bud-Light Chicago accent is less inspiring.

15I'm a b.i.t.c.h, not a tattletale.

16Bowling, I'm also looking at you.

17I mean another straight guy.

18Being a b.i.t.c.h is fine. Being a cheater is not.

19And I am all about looking good.

20So I look prettier in comparison, of course.

21Or Tad or Vlad or anyone else.

22Granted, it generally was my fault, but it would have been nice to get the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

23Seriously, you'd have thought she grew up on a dirt farm in Appalachia instead of a working-cla.s.s duplex in Boston.

24A lot like most of the guys I dated before I met Fletch.

25Faux.

26If you have a better term for a ten-year-old who insists on shoving crayons up his nose, I'd certainly like to hear it.

27And threaten bodily harm (when necessary).

28I was Jeni for about five minutes back in high school because I liked to dot my i's with a sunflower. But I'm a big-time professional and those days are long over, OK?

29Honest to G.o.d, this is a direct quote.

30OK, I honestly wondered if one would fit in my bag, but only for a second.

31Not that I've ever seen a money shot. Or am familiar with the concept. Because I am a nice girl who is saving herself for marriage despite seven years of cohabitation. Hi, Mom!

32The Ivy Leaguecaliber ego and smug sense of superiority I developed are unfortunate side effects, but what are you going to do?

33Shut up.

34Yelling.

35Lies! Lies, I tell you!

36It was SO d.i.c.k Sargent.

37It's a museum, right?

38Of course you did, sweetie! Now let's see if you can make squirty in the potty like a big boy!

39Yes, she FINALLY ended it last month. Wh.o.r.e.

40No, it wasn't me. But given the opportunity, I would have done the same thing.

41Who can resist a set of fuchsia-and-orange-striped Kate Spade?

42Surprise, surprise, Kathleen was p.i.s.sed.

43You think I'm shallow? I'm Maya-freaking-Angelou next to these girls.

44PR girls never have normal names like Kim or Amy.

45HATE! HATE! HATE!.

46I am all about being telegenic.

47OK, girdle. Again, shut up.

48I canceled my interview on 9/11 and have since postponed my job search until I get my wits back.

49Apparently Kathleen is the only one without a soul.

50Thank G.o.d video phones aren't mainstream yet. I'm famous for taking conference calls in my footie pajamas.

51You cheap b.a.s.t.a.r.ds!

52Stupid moral compa.s.s (and fear of jail).

53Do I even need to mention how much cuter I was than her?

54Seriously, WAY cuter.

55Powder pink is totally the new black.

56Or helps me prove a point.

57She also used to make tea from the weeds in her yard and Sunday gravy with goat meat, but that's another story.

58In my dad's defense, he only started with the double pants-retaining system recently. With his flat b.u.t.t and heavy wallet, I suspect there may have been an incident.

59My father was the lead truck in a Marine convoy back in the early fifties. Since he refuses to ask for directions when lost, he accidentally led his entire 1,600 man division to the border of Mexico. The Mexican border guards thought it was the beginning of World War Three.

60But the darling Cuban-heeled patent leather shoes projected so much authority AND style that I'd have been foolish not to buy them.

61To this day, I can only recite the preamble to the Const.i.tution because of Schoolhouse Rock.

62Having once spent every Sat.u.r.day for a month at the Illinois DMV trying to get my car registered, I've since learned to be prepared when dealing with bureaucracies.

63Quality demands respect.

64Are they kidding? I've already applied to enough places to satisfy my six-month requirement.

65I'm not always successful, but points for trying, right?

66Fan-f.u.c.king-tastic.

67Please don't tell Big Daddy.