Bellevue Bullies: Hooked By Love Part 13

Oh G.o.d, why does my heart race just at the thought of his name?

Pressing a hand to my chest, I let out another breath as b.u.t.terflies, or better yet, June bugs go crazy in my belly. Holy s.h.i.t, what happened in that little room downstairs? I wanted crazy, fun, one-night stand s.e.x, but that's not what I got. I got a night full of feelings of completion, oneness-but most of all, s.e.xcapades of awesomeness that lasted well into the morning. The bad part is, I want more. So much more. And he wants it too. I could see it in his eyes, I could feel it in the way he touched me, and I don't know what to do about it.

Do I give in and say screw it, have some fun, or do I stay on my track? I had one plan: take my dreams by the horns and ride them into the sunset. I want to do demos, perform as much as possible, and f.u.c.king live. Live the life I want, the one I am proud of, the one that has me in the spotlight for once over my brothers. I want to show people that I'm special. That I'm f.u.c.king important! As sad as it sounds, I want to make my parents proud.

I don't know why, and I really can't explain it... No, wait, I can. I want them to see me for once. To see that I can be successful. That my dreams are important. That, h.e.l.l, I'm just as vital as my brothers. That there is more to life than f.u.c.king hockey. Ugh, why am I about to cry?

Because I just want to be seen.

And Jace, he sees me.

But, h.e.l.l, he's a d.a.m.n hockey player. He's one of those who thinks life revolves around the d.a.m.n sport. And I like him? I want him? What the h.e.l.l is wrong with me? Knowing my luck, he'll be just like my family, and I'll be back on the back burner. He is everything I don't want in my life. He's basically my brothers... No, I'm wrong or I'm trying to make him into something he isn't because I'm scared of what I'm feeling.

Jace isn't my family. He's kind, I'm attracted to him, and above all, he sees me. s.h.i.t, is that why I'm hung up on him? What, the first guy who pays attention to me, I fall to my knees and suck off?

G.o.d, I'm f.u.c.king pathetic.

I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen. I wouldn't get caught up in the first guy I saw, and now, I've done just that. I'm completely caught up in Jace Sinclair, and I don't know if I can fight it. Should I? Should I fight something that feels so right? What if I never feel like this ever again? What if this is it?

But hadn't I thought that about Caleb?

I had, but I was a younger. He was the first guy who told me I was pretty. The first one to kiss me, and he ultimately took my virginity. I thought he was everything, the one, but I was so wrong. So f.u.c.king wrong. Usually, girls are at that age. Unlike other girls, I didn't get over it the way I should have. Instead, our relationship ended so badly and so horribly that, to this day, I still feel the effects of it. It's hard to shake those kinds of feelings. Especially when you have a constant reminder that you loved with your whole heart before, staring back at you every time you're naked.

Jace didn't see those marks, though, and I'm thankful for that. I have become a ninja at hiding them. I don't want to share that part of myself with anyone. I want to forget what happened, and I'm sure no one would ever be able to comprehend how it all went down, or even what I did. No, that's something that needs to stay locked down inside me.

But I already know that, and reiterating that doesn't fix what is going on with Jace. Doesn't help me figure out what I'm going to do. Do I just ride it out? Have fun? Friends with benefits, like he said? Can I do that? I just don't know, because the way I feel right now is unbelievable. It's like my heart is singing for him.

Like he's my song.

I have to write.

Sitting down, even though I really need to shower, I reach for my guitar leaning against my desk. Glancing at the bed, I see that Mekena isn't there. I wonder where she is and why I'm just now noticing she isn't here. I am thinking entirely too hard about Jace, and I wish that made me stop.

It doesn't, though.

Not even kind of.

He's playing on repeat. Every touch, every word he spoke. The way he looked into my eyes and told me I was gorgeous. Everything. I can't shake it, and why should I? I feel good. Great, even.

Shrugging my shoulders, I lift my guitar before I cross my legs and lay it across my lap. The words are practically begging to leave my body. Ready to pour out of me, so I quickly reach for my notebook and pen. The melody is there; I feel it. Soon I throw the pen back down and start strumming a soft little tune. It's nothing I've ever played before, and it's utterly beautiful. At least, I think so.

Pausing, I switch my computer on before turning on my audio recorder. Hitting record, I play the tune again, humming ever so lightly to the strings I play. Closing my eyes, I replay the tune over and over again, until finally, the words just fall from my lips.

I can feel him.

Still feel him.

All over me.

Inside of me.

A feeling.

Just a feeling.

Or is it more.

'Cause I can't shake.

What I'm feeling.

These thoughts.

These feelings.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't know.

But I'm obsessed with you.

Oh. Wow. I love that.

Hitting stop, I replay it, writing down everything I sang, and holy c.r.a.p, I love it. I'm f.u.c.king awesome. Hitting play again, I listen while a wide grin spreads across my lips. I've never felt so free in my life. That's what writing does to me. It takes me to a whole other universe, one where I am awesome and my lyrics, my melodies change lives. Or at least, my life. Moving my fingers down the strings, I start the next verse, and without realizing it, it's three hours later and I have a full song.

A song about Jace.

The planes of his body, the way he makes me feel, and the fact I am totally and utterly obsessed with everything about him. I can still recall the dip between his pecs, and the way his bottom left ab is more prominent than his right. The way his arms basically wrapped around me like a python when he held me, and how his lips, even with the beer on them, felt like every single Ed Sheeran song I know and love.

Looking down at the song I haven't named yet, all I see is Jace.

What does this mean? And how did this happen? How did I meet someone who captivates me to the point of inspiration? And what do I do with this? I have no clue, but before I can dwell on it much longer, the door flings open and Mekena is looking at me.

"Well, I guess it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know you got laid last night, considering you're wearing Jace Sinclair's hoodie."

Looking down at the bright teal hoodie, I smile. It still smells like him. I don't know the cologne, but I want to bathe in it, it smells so freaking good. The hoodie is huge and warm, kind of like Jace's arms. Realizing that Mekena is waiting for an answer, I look up and shrug, a grin curving my lips.

"Yeah, I have nothing for ya." I give her a wink and she laughs.

"Whatever. Where is my report?" she gushes, jumping on my bed and pinning me with a look. "You promised!"

Giggling, I look down, running my fingers along the strings of my guitar. "Big, big, and big."

Soon, she is giggling so hard, her face turns red as she falls back onto my bed, covering her eyes. "Oh my G.o.d! I can't believe you did it. He is so dreamy."

Looking down at the strings, I move my finger along each one slowly as thoughts of him flood every single one of my senses. "He is."

"So it was great?" She shoots up, her eyes trained on me, waiting for the answer.

"Oh G.o.d, yes." A shiver runs through me and I can't wipe the grin off my face. "I can't remember the last time I felt like this."

I can. But I'm not telling Mekena that lot of crazy.

"Argh! I'm so jealous," she yells, falling back on my bed, letting her legs and arms fall once more as she pouts. "I got drunk and threw up on Markus's feet. Skylar took me back to her apartment. Failure!"

Holding in my laughter, I say, "That blows."

"Yeah," she agrees, sitting up and shaking her head. "Unlike you, who gets laid by one of the hottest dudes on campus."

My cheeks turn red as I lay my guitar against my desk. But before I can even move to go toward the shower, she pins me with a look. "So what are you gonna do? Did you guys, like, exchange numbers? Are you gonna hook up again?"

Standing up, I pull his hoodie off before throwing it on the bed and holding my hands up. "Whoa, too many questions. Getting whiplash here."

"Avery!"

Grinning, I shrug. "I don't know. Really," I add when her lips press together in a "come on" kind of way.

"Was he into it? Me and Skylar thought he was. The way he was looking was intense. Sky said she's only seen that look when Jude met Claire. And you see how that went down."

Biting into my lip, I turn to my closet before taking off my shirt and bra, reaching for my towel to wrap around myself. I don't know much about Jace's brother and his wife, but apparently they were the epitome of love, given the way everyone talks about them. Knowing they saw how he was looking at me kind of solidifies how I feel. Like it really was as real as I hoped it was, and that leaves me breathless.

Looking over my shoulder, I meet her gaze and smile. "Yeah, he was into it."

"And, are you?"

"Yeah," I admit before turning. I don't know how honest I want to be with Mekena. I've only known her for a few weeks, and I know we are friends and roommates, but how much do I want to open up to her? I've never really had a girlfriend. I've never really had friends at all. Hence, why when Caleb and I broke up, I didn't know that I could get over him. That it was okay to let go and not beg to fix whatever the problem was.

But you can't fix a dude who doesn't want you.

Learned that the hard way.

But that is in the past, and I am not that person.

"I'm just a little freaked out, you know?"

Her face scrunches up in confusion. "No. I don't. If Jace Sinclair wanted me, I'd be naked so quick with no second thoughts at all."

Her deadpan expression makes me grin as I shake my head. "To me, he's just a guy who has me feeling things I've never really felt before. I mean, I've spent all night and morning in bed with him, wrapped up like a pretzel, and I still want more. I mean, Mekena, I'm craving him." Heat shoots straight between my legs and I close my eyes, inhaling a deep breath. "That scares me."

When I open my eyes, Mekena's mouth is parted and her eyes are wide. "Scares you? s.h.i.t, I'm pretty sure I need to give you another minute."

Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. "It's intense."

"Um, yeah... I mean, holy s.h.i.t, I'm so jealous of you."

"Focus!" I yell then, laughter in my voice. "He is everything I don't want."

Her brows slam together as she holds my gaze. "How in the world is Jace something you don't want?"

"He's a hockey player. I hate hockey."

"What? Doesn't your whole family play hockey?"

I shrug. "Yeah, and because of that d.a.m.n sport, I was never enough."

Her face is still scrunched up. "That's a dumb reason not to like someone."

Annoyed, I glare. "I never said I didn't like him, I do. It's just... I don't want that distraction."

Whistling, she shakes her head. "Jace would be the best distraction, I tell you what."

Rolling my eyes, I decide I'm getting nowhere with this girl. She doesn't see him the way I do. She sees him as some kind of idol, untouchable and all that jazz. I've been with him and, yeah, he's great and I want more, but something is holding me back.

Something that haunts me daily.

Which reminds me, I need to take my meds.

Going to my nightstand, I reach for the bottles that hold my pills and open them like I have been doing for the last three years. As each pill hits my palm, they are a reminder of what I did when I was a young girl of fifteen. A pitiful, attention-seeking girl who loved a boy who didn't love her. I want to say I don't need the little pills, but I know I do. I don't have the urge much, but I know that at any moment, it could happen again.

At least, that's what my therapist says.

I can feel Mekena watching me. She does that a lot, and I know she wants to know what I take. Yet, she hasn't asked. I have my excuse all prepared, just waiting for her to ask. I'm nowhere near ready to share my demons with her, and to be honest, I doubt she could handle it.

"So," she starts and I close my eyes as I wash down the pills with some water.

Here we go.

"We're friends, right?"

Looking over at her, I hold my towel tightly to me as I set my water bottle back down. "Yeah. Of course."

"Okay, I know you are frustrated about the whole Jace thing. I'm sorry. With him, I see a totally hot guy I wish would look at me even a little like he looked at you last night. That doesn't help you and I know that, but I think you should do what makes you happy. If fooling around with Jace Sinclair does that, then who cares about all the details? If being with him, like, hard-core makes you happy? Do it. Just do what makes you happy."

Okay. Not what I thought she was going to say, but I appreciate her advice.

"Thanks, I'll keep that in mind."

"I know it's more than you let on, but I hope I helped a bit."

I nod. "It is and you have. It's just I don't want to make mistakes I've made in the past."

"I get that." She nods her head toward my medicine. "Is that why you take those?"

I can only blink. "What?"

"I looked up the meds because I'm a worrywart, I guess. And I'm thinking that the mistakes you made have something to do with the fact you take antidepressants and antianxiety medication."

I can still only blink at her. "You looked up my meds?"