Behaving Badly Part 8

'No,' I said quietly. 'I won't.' A small dragonfly skimmed past, a blur of blue iridescence.

'You're not nearly as open with me,' she observed with another sip of champagne, 'but I don't mind. I never have-I know you've always preferred to keep your own counsel.' I nodded. It was quite true. 'Anyway,' she said brightly. 'How was the fete?'

'Oh...it was...nice. The dog show was fun.'

'And the house?'

'It's fantastic. Like a smaller version of Gosford Park.'

'Well they say she's worth squillions. And what about him? The hubby.'

'The hubby...'

'I've seen photos. He's losing his hair, but he's rather a dish. Tipped for high office, apparently. Did you meet him?'

I stared at the crazy paving. A column of ants was flowing out of a crack in the concrete. 'I did meet him actually... Yes.' I know I can tell you anything and you won't judge me for it.

'Apparently he's charming,' I heard Daisy say. 'More champers, darling?' She leaned over with the bottle.

'He is charming,' I said. 'He's incredibly charming. He's one of the most charming men that you could meet.' I feel you'd never think badly of me, whatever I told you. I looked at her-then made a sudden decision. 'He's also a s.h.i.t.'

Daisy lowered the bottle. 'Is he?'

'Oh yes.'

'Well, lots of politicians are,' she shrugged as she batted away a wasp. 'I guess it goes with the territory.'

'It's much more than that.'

'How do you know?'

'I just do,' I said bitterly.

'But how?' There was silence. 'How do you know that?'

I took a deep breath. 'Because I've met him before.'

'Really?' she said. 'When was that then?'

'Sixteen years ago.'

'When you were living in Brighton?'

I nodded. 'He was a student there.'

'Oh, I get it,' she said, her eyes widening. 'He was your boyfriend. Is that it?'

'Sort of. I was infatuated with him-put it that way.'

'Blimey. Small world,' she breathed. 'And he treated you badly?' she asked, with another sip of champagne. 'b.a.s.t.a.r.d!'

I smiled at her retrospective loyalty. 'He treated me very badly, Daisy-but not in the way that you think.'

'What did he do then?' she asked, clearly intrigued.

'Well...he did something...very...shocking, and he involved me in it, and it's haunted me ever since.' Daisy was looking at me, spellbound. I stared at the ground.

'Well, whatever it was,' I heard her say, 'remember that you were only sixteen. You were very young.'

I sighed. 'That's true. But even so, the memory still fills me with shame.' I put down my gla.s.s. I had a pain between my eyes.

'Anyway, I'm sure it wasn't that bad. We all do things we regret,' she went on tactfully. 'Silly things. Unkind things. Don't be too hard on yourself, Miranda.'

There was a knife-like pain in my throat. 'I'm not being hard on myself-it was that bad. In fact, it was dreadful. It was absolutely dreadful.' I felt my eyes suddenly fill. 'You said I'm brave just now, Daisy, but I'm not.' My hands sprang up to my face. 'If I were I'd have done something about it years ago, but I never have.' I felt a warm tear slide down my cheek.

'What was it?' I heard her ask gently. 'You can tell me.'

I shook my head. 'You'd despise me if you knew.'

'I wouldn't, Miranda. You're my closest friend.'

'You would-you'd judge me. You wouldn't be able to help it.'

'I promise you I won't judge you, Miranda, whatever it was, any more than I know you'd judge me.'

I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes. 'I've never got over it,' I croaked. 'The knowledge that I hurt someone so much.'

'You hurt someone?' I nodded. 'You mean, physically?' I nodded again. 'But who?'

'This...boy,' I replied. 'Well, young man. He was twenty then. His name was David.'

'What was he like?'

I shook my head. 'I don't know.'

'You don't know what he was like?' I shook my head again. 'Why not?'

'Because I've never met him.'

She looked confused. 'You've never met him-but you hurt him?'

'Yes.'

'I don't understand. Was it by accident?'

'Sort of. Or rather, no-it wasn't. It wasn't an accident.' Daisy was staring at me as though I were speaking in tongues. 'It was a crime,' I whispered. There was silence, punctuated only by the soft roar of a distant plane.

'A crime?' she repeated softly. I looked away, unable to maintain eye contact.

'It was...' I drew in my breath, '...very bad.'

'Was it drugs?' Daisy asked quietly, after a moment. 'Did you give someone drugs?'

'No. I've never got involved with that.'

There was a pause. 'Then...was it like what happened to my dad? Is that what it was, Miranda-a hit and run?'

'A hit and run?' I echoed. 'No. Although, yes, it was like that-in a way-yes-except that it didn't involve a car.'

Daisy's bewildered-looking face began to blur as my eyes spilled over again. 'I don't understand,' she said.

Now I took a deep breath, as though I were about to dive underwater.

'Then I'll tell you,' I whispered. 'I will tell you. I need to tell you. But you must never tell anyone else.'

'I absolutely swear not to.'

I glanced next door. 'Can we be overheard?'

'No. My neighbours are all away.'

And so, in a low, cracked voice, I told Daisy what had happened half my lifetime ago.

'Gosh,' she murmured, when I'd finished. There was silence. 'Gosh,' she said quietly again.

'I did say it was shocking, didn't I?'

I heard her inhale. 'Yes.' She breathed out again. 'You did.'

'Do you feel differently about me now?'

She shook her head. 'No, I don't. Because it wasn't your fault. He is a s.h.i.t,' she remarked, as though the thought had just struck her. 'He did it, Miranda-not you.'

'But I shouldn't have got involved in all that...stuff. I shouldn't have got involved with him. I was naive, at best. But I would have done anything for him-I used to write him these pathetic love letters-loads of them-and he exploited my obsession; and as a result, this guy David got hurt.'

'No wonder it's troubled you for so long,' she said. 'What a huge thing to have to bear.' She laid her hand on my arm for a moment. 'And you never saw Jimmy again?'

'No. Not until last week.'

'Is that why it's all come up again now?'

'Partly-the shock of seeing him again-but actually, Daisy, it's always been there. It's always haunted me. And recently it's been on my mind a lot for some reason-and then, by some strange stroke of synchronicity-or Fate-I met Jimmy again. And now I just can't get it all out of my head.'

'I know what's happened,' Daisy said quietly. 'I think the fact that you were hurt recently has brought it all up-after all, you were a victim too. And that's made you more aware of the hurt you once caused.'

'Maybe,' I whispered. 'It's quite possible. All I know is that it's overshadowed a big part of my life. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we'd been caught, and punished, then I could at least have moved on.'

'But if you had been, you might well have gone to prison, Miranda.'

'I still could,' I said bleakly. 'So could he.'

'He'd certainly lose his seat. And I don't think he'd ever have been selected if they'd known that about him-it's much too serious.'

'I'm sure you're right.'

'And that's why he spoke to you,' she said, more animatedly now. 'He's kept it hidden all these years, then suddenly you turn up again. What a nightmare for him, Miranda-he took a huge risk going into politics-and you're his smoking gun. He's probably terrified that you'll try and black mail him.'

'I think he did think that. He said I could get in "a lot of trouble" if I told anyone, which was obviously a counter-threat. Anyway, there it is,' I whispered. 'My terrible secret. Now you know. I'm glad you know,' I added quietly. 'I've been in torment for so long, and there was no-one else I could trust.'

Daisy laid her hand on my arm again. 'I understand certain things about you now,' she said, after a moment. 'I understand why, when we first met, you seemed so guarded. I had to work hard to be friends with you. You seemed, yes...rather secretive, you always have actually. Now I know why.'

'Yes. Because I did have a secret. A really dreadful one-and I was terrified that I'd be exposed. I lived in constant fear that one day someone would find out-and that my life would be ruined. It still might be,' I added dismally.

'I just wish you'd told me this before.'

I heaved a painful sigh. 'There have been many, many times, over the years, when I have wanted to tell you. But you were my one and only close friend, Daisy, and I didn't want to risk that.'

'But I hate to think of you having carried such a big thing alone. It makes me feel sad.' Her sympathy made my eyes fill again. 'And you must have felt...lonely,' she added. 'Not being able to tell anyone.'

'Yes,' I murmured. 'I did.'

'Well, I'm very glad that you've told me. But the question is...what now?'

I looked at her blankly. 'I don't really know.'

'Do you want to punish Jimmy? Is that it?'

'No. Although his lack of shame fills me with rage.'

'Then what do you want to do?'

I stared at the ground and there was silence for a few seconds while I considered the question. 'I want...to try and make amends.'

'You mean you want to be forgiven?'

My heart did a somersault. 'Yes,' I said. 'I do. I want to be forgiven. I want to be...absolved. Sixteen years ago I did something terrible to someone, and I want to put it right.'

'But why do you want to try and put it right now?'

'Because, instead of fading with each year, it's got worse. It's never left me. I want to get it out of my head-and I don't think I can unless I finally do something.'

'And what do you think you could do?'

I shook my head. 'I don't know. All I know is, I want to...atone. I'd like to stop feeling guilty. I've been feeling guilty for so long.'

'I know what you could do,' Daisy said softly, after a moment. 'But you must have thought of it yourself.' I looked at her, then looked away.

'I have. I've thought of it many times. I've had...' I sighed, 'these fantasies about doing it. But that's all they've been-just fantasies-because I've never been brave enough to carry it out.' I glanced at the sky where a distant plane was sewing a slender white trail across the blue.