Behaving Badly Part 11

'I don't think she...would know,' I'd said. But Phyllis had flatly refused to countenance a canine replacement; then, all of a sudden, she'd changed her mind. She'd phoned me last week to say she'd got another Tibetan terrier and wanted to bring it to the party. I was thrilled...

'h.e.l.lo, Maisie,' I said now, as I looked at the puppy. 'Aren't you sweet? I'm glad you decided to get another dog, Phyllis. I'm sure Ca.s.sie would be happy.'

'Oh she is happy,' said Phyllis. Her eyes were shining. 'In fact, she's very happy.'

'Really? Er, what do you mean?'

'Well,' she began, in a confidential whisper, 'Maisie isn't really Maisie.'

'Isn't she?'

She shook her head. 'I just call her that in order not to confuse people. Maisie is actually Ca.s.sie,' she explained seriously.

I stared at her. 'Really?'

'Yes. You see,' she said, laying her frail hand on my arm, 'Ca.s.sie's come back.' She gave me a beatific smile. 'Ca.s.sie's come back-in the body of another dog.' She nodded at Maisie.

'Ah.'

'So it's all worked out beautifully,' she concluded happily.

'Well, that's just...great,' I said.

There was another knock at the door, and a rather lively, good-looking man called Marcus came in with his equally lively Jack Russell puppy tucked into his jumper; then an English setter with a woman called Sue. By ten past seven there were puppies play-biting, ear-chewing, chasing and paddling in the water bowl, while their 'parents' indulgently smiled.

'Had all the jabs?' I heard someone enquire above the Mickey Mouse yapping.

'Oh yes. She didn't cry at all. She's very brave.'

'Mine's already house-trained.'

'Really? That's amazing.'

'Well, he's a quick learner. Both ends.'

At a quarter past seven I did the roll call.

'Roxy?' I called out.

'Here.'

'Alfie?'

'Here.'

'Lola?'

'Present, Miss,' her owner giggled.

'Maisie? Yes, you're here. Sooty? Is Sooty here? Oh there you are, Sooty.' They'd just arrived. 'And Twiglet?'

'Yep.'

'Cosmo?'

'He's here.'

'And finally... Bentley. Oh hi, Lily.' She'd arrived in a cloud of scent, clasping the puppy to her with one bejewelled hand, trailing Jennifer with the other. 'Do take a seat. Now I'd like you all to introduce yourselves, and to say why you've chosen the puppy you have. You go first, Sally, then carry on round the circle.'

'Okay. Hi, everyone,' she began, 'my name's Sally and I work in PR, and my puppy, Roxy, is a Labrador because, well, they're just so adorable, aren't they?'

'Yeah, they're labradorable,' said Marcus. Everyone giggled.

'Next person, please,' I said.

'My name's John and I'm in IT, and I chose Alfie here because I've always liked gun dogs.'

'What's the pointer that?' quipped Marcus again. Oh well. At least he helped break the ice.

'My name's Susan and this is Lola,' said a woman with kohl-rimmed eyes. She looked confused. 'Or is it the other way round? No. I'm definitely Susan and I teach yoga and well, I've always loved English setters because they-'

'Setter good example,' Marcus snorted. He was that slightly irritating thing-a live wire.

'My name's Jane and this is Sooty. And I grew up on a farm, and so I knew I'd just have to have a Border collie one day.'

'I'm Ian, I'm an interior designer, and this is my pug, Bentley.'

'I'm Lily Jago. I edit Moi! magazine, and my little puppy's a shih-tzu-'

'Bless you!' said Marcus. There were more giggles. Lily gave him a frigid stare.

'She's a shih. Tzu,' she repeated slowly. 'Like her doting aunt here, Jennifer Aniston.'

'Why did you call her that then?' asked Marcus, mystified.

'Can't you see the resemblance?'

'Well, I'm not sure,' he said judiciously. 'The nose is slightly different-' Lily looked offended.

'No. Not the face. It's the hair. It's because she's got long silky hair and because she's worth it, aren't you, poppet?' Jennifer grunted. 'And puppy's name is Gwyneth Paltrow, for exactly the same reason.'

'You can't call her that,' said Marcus. 'Everyone knows Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow don't get on.'

'That's right,' said Phyllis. 'They fell out over Brad Pitt. Gwyneth Paltrow can't stand Jennifer Lopez either,' she added knowledgeably.

'That's true,' said Jane. 'She's still furious about Ben Affleck apparently. Did you see that piece in h.e.l.lo!?'

'Look, can we please take this puppy party seriously?' I said.

'All right,' said Marcus. 'Anyway, I'm Marcus Longman and I work in the film industry.'

'Oh really?' they all said. 'What do you do?'

'Are you a director?' asked Lily.

'No. I do stunt-work.'

'How fascinating,' she breathed. 'So you're a stuntman?' He nodded. That made sense, he was very fit and muscular-looking, as though he worked out a lot. 'We must do something on that in Moi!-what have you worked on recently? Anything famous?'

'Land Ahoy!' I felt sick.

'I've heard that's going to be splendid,' said Phyllis.

'It is-it's brilliant,' said Lily. My stomach turned over. 'I've seen a preview tape.'

'And why did you choose Twiglet, Marcus?' I persisted, desperate to change the subject.

'Because Jack Russells are intelligent, lively and brave. And because I thought we might be able to do some fun things together.'

'What sort of things?' Lily asked.

'Parachuting, kayaking, a bit of hang-gliding, maybe.'

Lily rolled her huge black eyes. 'But dogs don't do those kinds of things.'

'They do. My last Jack Russell used to go surfing-he loved it-he had his own wetsuit. He used to go sky-diving with me too. Not solo obviously-we'd be strapped together. But then, sadly, last year, he had his accident.'

'What happened?' we all asked, bracing ourselves.

'He twisted his back getting out of bed. In any case he was my girlfriend's dog, and she kept him when she left. But that's why I got Twiglet.'

'Do you still see your old dog?' asked Phyllis. 'I do hope so. He must miss you.'

'I get access visits. It's not too bad.'

'Can we please stop barking-I mean, talking,' I said, trying to rea.s.sert my authority. 'We've got a lot to do.'

A respectful hush fell, punctuated only by a solitary 'yap'.

'Now,' I continued. 'The purpose of these puppy parties is to socialize the puppies right from the start so that they're not fazed by anything in later life. So what we're going to do first is to play Pa.s.s the Puppy. I want you to pa.s.s your puppy one person to your left, and then I want you all to look in the puppy's ears, just as the vet might do, and feel its paws; have a look in its mouth, and its eyes; generally feel its coat and rub its tummy, which is its most vulnerable part. By the time your puppy has been handled by nine strangers over a period of five weeks it'll be well on its way to becoming a pleasant, responsible and well-adjusted canine citizen. So-pa.s.s the puppy please.'

'-Oh isn't it sweet!'

'-No, please don't hold her like that-like this.'

'-Oow-sharp little teeth.'

'-Careful! Don't drop him!'

'-I'm not dropping him.'

'-Bye-bye, my little darling. See you soon!'

Then we had a bite inhibition session followed by a general discussion about common behavioural problems and how to avoid them; then I talked about nutrition, and, finally, we had problem-sharing.

'Is anyone having any particular difficulties?' I asked.

'The house-training's not easy,' said Sue with a sigh.

'He won't come when I call,' said John.

'I'm so exhausted from the nights,' said Jane. 'Sooty wakes at least three times.'

'Bentley does that too.'

'I feel so inadequate to the task,' Sue sniffed. There were suddenly tears in her eyes. 'I feel so helpless. The awful responsibility of it all. This tiny little thing who depends on me, and who I love so much,' she sobbed. 'I feel totally-uh-uh-overwhelmed.'

'You've got post-puppy depression,' said Lily as she handed Sue a tissue. 'I had that with Jennifer. It doesn't last. Maybe you should see your doctor,' she added helpfully.

'It's because it's your first one,' said John. 'Most people feel like that with their first,' he added sympathetically.

'Yes, I did,' Phyllis said. 'Don't worry, Sue. I'm sure you'll be a very good mother.'

'Yes, don't worry,' they all said. 'You'll be great.'

At nine they all began to drift away, with promises of puppy play-dates with each other.

'That was fun,' said Marcus warmly. 'Twiglet loved it, didn't you Twiggers?'

I smiled. Marcus might be a bit annoying but he was very friendly. He was also rather attractive.

'So, who did you stand in for on Land Ahoy!?' Lily enquired. 'Was it Alexander Darke? He's rather gorgeous.'

'No. I doubled for Joe Fenton-the guy who plays first mate. I spent most of the shoot being thrown overboard-into the North Sea, unfortunately, rather than the Caribbean. Still, that's what I get paid to do.' He handed me an A5-sized flyer. You CAN Defend Yourself! it announced.

'What's this, Marcus?'

'I'm going to be running some short self-defence courses from next month in a church hall near Tottenham Court Road. So if you know anyone who'd be interested in coming along, then maybe you'd help spread the word?'

'Yes. Yes, of course I will.'

'Anyway, I'd better be off.' He tucked Twiglet into the top of his jumper again. 'See you next week.'

'See you,' said Lily. She went to the window and watched him cycle away. 'What a charming man,' she said, as I began to fold up the chairs. 'He's quite good-looking too. Apart from the broken nose. I really must do something on stuntmen,' she added as she opened her bag. 'And when can we do you, Miranda?'

'Do what?'

'The interview for Moi!' She whipped out her diary.