Beautifully Broken: If You Leave Part 43

"She's going to be OK," the doctor a.s.sures us, after what seems like forever. "Her placenta detached, causing her to hemorrhage. And when you handed her to us outside, she didn't have a pulse. She had lost that much blood. Her body shut down-in total shock. We managed to revive her, thankfully. It took us a while, but we were able to stop the blood flow and repair the damage." He pauses, letting that sink in.

Both Pax and Maddy look stricken.

"She really died?" Pax asks in shock.

The doctor nods. "She had no heartbeat when she arrived. But we were able to bring her back within two minutes. She's going to be fine. And she's asking to see you," he tells Pax. "You'll have to keep it short. She's exhausted."

Pax immediately starts toward the door, but pauses. "The baby?" he asks anxiously, his eyes glistening wet.

The doctor smiles. "A healthy baby girl. Since she's a couple of weeks early, she'll stay here for a few days. But everything looks good, son. Congratulations."

His words lift the cloud of fear from the room, it evaporates, and Pax smiles as he heads out the doors.

Maddy falls into me, slumping into my side with a sob.

I hold her up, then stare into her eyes.

"I told you she would be fine," I remind her. "See? I keep my promises."

She finally allows herself to smile.

"You do, don't you?" she murmurs. "I was so scared, Gabe."

"I know," I tell her softly. I hold her clutched to me for several minutes, waiting while she pulls herself back together. Finally she shoves her hair out of her face and gets up and paces.

"I can't wait to see my niece," she finally tells me. "I wonder who she looks like?"

"Well, she's got good genes," I point out. "She's going to be a looker."

Maddy collapses again, onto my lap.

"You have no idea how scared I was," she admits quietly. "I don't know what I would've done if I'd have lost Mila."

I stare at her. "I know. But you held it together so well, Maddy. I'm proud of you."

She smiles a little. "I kept reminding myself that fear is a choice, but it wasn't working out so well for me. I was too afraid."

I smile back. "I think in this situation, that's allowed," I tell her. "It was scary. But it's going to be OK. She's fine. The baby's fine. Everything is fine."

Maddy relaxes against me, nervously speculating about what the baby looks like and what they're going to name her.

"You just can't wait to buy her little shoes," I joke, trying to lift some of the lingering anxiety. Maddy smiles.

"Oh, I definitely can't wait to do that. This is going to be the best-dressed baby in the state."

We anxiously wait until Pax comes to get us and then Maddy beats us both back to Mila's room. When we arrive, Maddy is sitting next to Mila, holding her hand, telling her how scared we all were.

I glance around, but there's no baby.

I look at Madison questioningly.

"Since she was early, they had to take her to the neonatal unit," she explains. "Pax can show her to us through the window in a little bit."

Mila is pale and obviously tired, but other than that she looks good.

"You can go see her now," she tells us tiredly. "I know you want to see her, Mad."

"Are you sure?" Pax asks. "We can wait."

Mila nods. "I'm sure. Go see our daughter."

We find the neonatal unit and we all press our noses to the window. When the nurse pushes the incubator up closer to the window, Maddy coos at the tiny baby through the gla.s.s.

"She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," she announces, although I personally think she's red and wrinkly. "What are you naming her?"

Pax glances at Maddy.

"Madelyn Susanna Tate," he announces proudly. "After you and my mom."

Maddy goes completely still, her mouth dropping open in shock. "You're naming her after me?" she whispers. Pax grins.

"Who else would we name her after? There aren't that many derivatives of Pax."

Maddy grins widely and then turns to the baby again, talking to her through the gla.s.s.

"Listen up, Mad. You and I are going to stick together. I'm going to buy you so many pairs of shoes that your daddy will have to build a new house just to store them in. Yes, I know... that's a lot. But you're worth it."

I shake my head at Pax.

"I feel for you, dude," I tell him. "She's probably not exaggerating."

"Oh, I know she's not," Pax sighs. "But that's OK. My girls have me wrapped around their little fingers already. I'm man enough to admit it."

I can't help but grin at this. But I'll never fault him for it. I have a weakness too. I glance at Maddy again and decide that if I'm going to have a weakness, I'm glad it's a beautiful one.

"Madison, we should tell your sister goodbye so that she can rest," I suggest to her gently. "We can come back tomorrow. And we can even bring shoes for Madelyn, if you want."

"Oh, I want," she says firmly. She blows a kiss to the baby and we make our way back to Mila's room.

"We'll be back tomorrow, Sis." Maddy kisses Mila on the cheek. "Don't ever scare me like that again," she adds sternly. Mila smiles the gentle tired smile of a new mom, promising that she won't. Not ever.

And with that, we duck from the room.

As we drive home, I pick up Madison's hand.

"Are you OK?" I ask her solemnly. "That was intense."

She stares at me.

"That was intense," she agrees. "I thought I was going to have a heart attack. First there was all that blood, and then Mila pa.s.sed out. I didn't know what to do. She died, Gabe. I still can't believe it. But having you there in that waiting room with me... you make everything all right, Gabe."

I feel choked up by her words, by the strength with which she handles everything in life. By the trust she puts in me.

As I put the car in park in the driveway, I kiss her forehead.

"I'm proud of you," I tell her quietly. "Really. You think I'm the strongest person you know, but really, it's you. You're stronger than all of us."

She rolls her eyes, but falls silent as we go inside.

We eat dinner in thoughtful silence, then sit for a little while in the living room, still quiet as Maddy lies on my lap. "We should go over to Pax and Mila's house and clean up all that blood," she tells me. "I know Pax will be staying with Mila tonight."

I nod.

"We will. But we'll do it tomorrow. You're tired tonight."

She nods and she's shivering from cold and from the shock of what happened, so I suggest a hot shower. She stays in there for half an hour.

When she finally comes out, I hold out a towel for her and envelop her in it, pulling her into my arms as I dry her off.

She still doesn't say anything and is even quieter after we collapse into bed.

"What is it?" I finally ask her, because the silence is killing me.

She sighs in the dark.

"It's just that I know how fast everything can end. My parents were gone in an instant and tonight it seemed like Mila could slip away too. And in that one instant, my heart would be broken forever, I know that-because I've been through it before. Hearts are so fragile, Gabe."

She pauses as she stares at me. I'm not sure what she's wanting me to say. But she doesn't give me a chance to reply at all before she continues.

"It reminded me of how fast I could lose you. Anything can happen and it scares the s.h.i.t out of me. It scares me that you have that power over me."

She stops talking and stares at me. Her hands are shaking and I pick one up.

"Maddy, you have that same power over me. It's called loving someone. And yeah, it's scary as h.e.l.l. I hate knowing that loving you makes me weak... but it makes me strong too. Loving you makes me happy in a way that nothing else ever has, and that's healthy, Madison. That's healthier than anything else in the world. It heals a lot of s.h.i.t. It's even healing me and I'm f.u.c.ked up. So before you over-think it and decide that loving me isn't worth the fear of losing me, just remember how happy you are when we're together. Fear is a choice, Maddy. But so is being happy."

"I know," she admits quietly. "My head knows that. But my heart is scared because it knows that in a moment you could be gone. Everyone always seems to leave me, Gabe. My parents, Tony. Mila almost did. And if you leave... if you leave nothing will ever be OK again."

Her voice breaks and she cries, softly in the night, and it clenches my stomach into knots.

"Maddy, I know why you're scared. Anyone would be in your shoes. You've seen too much loss. But death is part of life and the fear of it can't stop us from living. That's something I learned in Afghanistan. Being ruled by fear is worse than never living at all. We're going to be fine, Maddy. You're not going to lose me, not until we're old and gray and tired. I love you."

She is quiet and still as she huddles against me, her slender hands holding tight to mine.

"Then let's make this work, no matter what. Promise me, Gabe. I know there's s.h.i.t to work through. But we can do it. Because all that really matters is you and me."

Her voice is thin and anxious and I run my hands along her face, dropping them to stroke her shoulder. She trembles beneath my fingers and I hug her close. I know how much it took for her to say that, for her to commit to trying something long-term with me. It just confirms everything I've always known about her.

The girl has b.a.l.l.s.

"Madison, everything is going to be fine," I tell her firmly. "Now that I'm back, you're stuck with me. I'm never going to leave you. Please don't worry. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore."

I can feel her smile against my chest. And then she burrows even more tightly into me. I rest my hands on her side and stare down at her in the dark.

She sniffs. "The only thing I'm afraid of is losing you."

"That's not going to happen," I answer her firmly, ignoring the ache in my chest at her words. "That's never going to happen."

I hold her until she goes to sleep, then I continue to hold her as long as I dare stay in the bed. When I finally know that I can't hold my eyes open anymore, I carefully slip away to the chair.

The chair is cold and it seems like a thousand miles away from Maddy, but I'm still here with her. That's the important thing.

I close my eyes.

Chapter Thirty-Four.

Madison

I pull up to Pax and Mila's home and sit in the drive for a minute, simply enjoying the chirp of the summer crickets and the soft rustling of the breeze coming off the water. After the baby's emergency delivery, I thought it would take a while for life to get back to normal, but that hasn't been true.

Pax and Mila brought the baby home from the hospital a few days ago and everything has been fine. Mila has completely recovered, the baby is healthy and strong. We're all more resilient than I ever would have thought.

After I jog up the steps and poke my head in the door, I immediately hear the baby wailing and Pax shouting to Mila.

"I don't know what to do! She puked everywhere!"

I giggle and walk on in, taking the baby from Pax as he looks at me in relief.

"Mila's in the shower," he tells me sheepishly. "I just changed the baby, but I didn't do it right. Her diaper fell off and then she threw up."

I lay the baby down and refasten the Velcro tabs on her diaper, then strip off her little shirt.

"You almost had it," I tell him. "It just wasn't tight enough. You'll get it."

He hands me a clean shirt and I slide it onto the baby, then cradle her in my arms. Pax doesn't even bother holding out his hands for her, because he knows that while I'm here, I'm not giving her up. I hold her close and inhale the sweet baby smell, breathing deeply.

"Ahhh. I love that," I sigh. "It's the best smell in the world, aside from rain."