Beautifully Broken: If You Leave Part 33

And G.o.d, I'm so f.u.c.king tired. I could use a rest.

I stare at it, at the tempting blackness. Every cell in my body is trained to survive. This goes against all my instincts. I close my eyes and instead of the little girl's, I see a pair of shining blue ones. Maddy.

If only I could fix it.

"What the f.u.c.k are you doing?"

Brand's startled voice breaks apart the blackness and carries out to me through the open balcony door. I glance over my shoulder. Brand is striding through my room, staring at me in shock and horror.

"What the f.u.c.k, Gabe?"

I can hear the fear in his voice. I should tell him that fear is a choice, but I don't. He already knows that.

"Stop right there, Brand," I tell him woodenly.

I can hear the lack of emotion in my voice and so he can he. Unlike anyone else, Brand can understand it. He knows what it's like to face a terrifying mission, and how we have to step away from it, dull ourselves to it, so that we can just do it.

He can see that's what I'm doing now.

He knows.

His eyes widen and I see the absolute terror in them.

"Don't, Gabe," he says quietly, stopping in the balcony doorway as I'd instructed. "Don't. You don't have to do this. We can fix everything."

I stare at him, unblinking, disbelieving. "No, we can't. That's bulls.h.i.t and you know it. Everything is f.u.c.ked. There's no fix for it."

"There is," Brand argues, his hands flexing.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I ask, not really caring. Not anymore.

"I forget my wallet on the table," Brand answers. "Thank G.o.d. Gabe, think about this. Think about Jacey and Maddy. This will kill them. They won't be able to get over it. You're all Jacey has because your parents are s.h.i.tty. Maddy already lost her parents. What do you think this will do to her? Are you thinking of her at all?"

I swallow, looking away. "She's all I think about," I mutter. "All of the time. I can't get her out of my head and it's killing me, Brand. It's killing me."

Brand stares at me and I see the determination in his eyes.

"Gabe, you chose to end things with Madison. You quit and you didn't have to. All you have to do is get some help-you didn't before. But you can now, Gabe."

I don't answer, so Brand uses the silence as an opportunity to continue.

"Remember Mad Dog's funeral? Do you want them to hand your flag to your parents? Or Jacey? Your parents don't deserve to have your flag and it would f.u.c.king annihilate Jacey. Jesus Christ, Gabe. Get off that railing. You're not a quitter. You're not a f.u.c.king quitter. Come over here and we'll deal with this. We'll fix it."

"I'm too much of a p.u.s.s.y," I answer, my throat closing in hot and tight around my words. "I don't know how to fix it. I just don't know how. And I can't do this anymore, Brand."

Brand grits his teeth and takes a step. I eye him warningly.

"Don't."

He freezes.

"You're not a p.u.s.s.y," he says. "And you're not a quitter. You're a bada.s.s motherf.u.c.ker. Tell me what to say to get you off the ledge, Gabe. Tell me and I'll say it. You and I have been to h.e.l.l and back together. It's not going to end like this. You wouldn't let me end like this and I sure as f.u.c.k won't let you. Not after everything you've done for me."

I squeeze my eyes shut, letting the blackness seep under my eyelids. It would be so easy to let it take the rest of me too.

"Tell me that you can stop the nightmares. Tell me that you can save that little girl... that you can save all of those little girls."

Brand's breath is ragged and rough. "You know I can't save them. But I can save you, Gabe. Get the f.u.c.k off that balcony. We can stop your nightmares."

I'm silent as I open my eyes and stare down, past my feet, past the cars to the ground. It's a long way down, but it's there. Brand follows my gaze.

"Gabe, I don't have nightmares much anymore. I swear to Christ. Only once or twice a month. And someday I won't have any. You just need to get off that ledge and go to therapy like I did. It feels stupid and terrible and dumba.s.s, but it helped me, Gabe. And it will help you. It's a whole h.e.l.l of a lot better than this."

Better than dying.

I glance over my shoulder at him. "Because this is the easy way out?"

Brand stares at me, his eyes a steely blue, determined. "You said that you're too much of a p.u.s.s.y to fix it. This is being a p.u.s.s.y, Gabe. Maybe not for some people-because who am I to judge people I don't know? But I know you. And this is being a p.u.s.s.y for you. Do the hard thing and get your a.s.s off that balcony."

I exhale, long and slow, contemplating.

I don't want to die. If I die, the bad thing wins.

f.u.c.k that.

I take a breath, then grab Brand's outstretched hand.

Chapter Twenty-One.

Madison

Gabriel isn't coming back.

I know that now. It's been a week.

Seven days.

One hundred and sixty-eight hours.

I don't know where he is and I doubt I'll ever see him again. It's a thought that I can't think about or it will crush me. It still hurts that much.

Instead I focus on pretending that I'm fine for Jacey and Tony, Mila and Pax. Today Jacey brings me a cup of hot chocolate. Because hot chocolate obviously fixes everything.

Curling up across the table from where I'm rolling flatware into napkins, she glances at me.

"I haven't heard from him either, by the way. He probably knows I'm going to b.i.t.c.h him out for what he did."

I glance up at her. "Can we not talk about it? Seriously. I just don't want to think about it."

"OK. That's fine," Jacey says quickly. "I just didn't want you to think that I would hide talking to him from you. I wanted you to know that he hasn't called."

I nod, folding another napkin. "Thanks, Jace. I'm sorry for being b.i.t.c.hy. I just... I'm not myself."

"It's OK."

We sit in silence until the door opens, sunlight flashes on the floor and then Jacey's face lights up.

"Brand!"

She jumps up and runs across the room like she hasn't seen him in a year. I suck in a breath, not sure if I'm ready to face Gabe's best friend. Seeing him will just punch me in the gut-make me remember Gabriel. As if I've forgotten.

I don't turn around, I just keep rolling the silverware, my eyes glued to the task in front of me. But I can hear their low voices and I keep my ears trained in their direction. Brand's deep voice carries through the restaurant far better than Jacey's does and I hear it easily.

"He's fine, Jace. He feels guilty, of course, for leaving you... and Madison. But he's fine. He's going to get a special kind of therapy, something designed to help victims of PTSD. I went through it back when we first came home. It sucks pretty bad, but it's effective. He's going to need your support, though."

I hear the sound of Jacey's voice, but I can't hear her words.

Brand answers whatever she said.

"I knew you'd understand. PTSD is terrible, Jace. It's something we can't control and guys like Gabe and me... well, it's hard to deal with something like that. He needs all the support you can give him. He's going to be at Walter Reed this week but he wanted me to check in on you, to make sure that Jared's still leaving you alone."

Jacey murmurs something.

"What the f.u.c.k? Why would you do that, Jacey?"

Brand seems annoyed now and I can't imagine what Jacey said to him.

"Whatever. Just don't lie to us again, Jacey. You can tell Gabriel when he's out. Don't tell him while he's there. His attention shouldn't be split. He needs to concentrate on CPT, all right?"

Jacey murmurs again.

"Trust me, Jace," Brand continues. "I've been there. I know what it's like. If Gabe has any hope of taking care of this, he's got to focus on it one hundred percent. You can support the h.e.l.l out of him when he comes home."

Jacey murmurs and then they're quiet. I'm just getting ready to glance behind me to see if Brand is leaving when his voice pops up by my ear.

"Maddy?"

f.u.c.k.

I slowly turn, looking up into Brand's blue eyes. "Hi, Brand. Good to see you."

But it's not. It's really not. Because he's here and Gabe's not. And even though that's irrational, it's how I feel.

"Hey." He looks as uncomfortable talking to me as I am listening. "I just wanted to say something, if you don't mind. Gabriel doesn't know I'm doing this, but I just wanted you to know that he's a good guy, Maddy. I know it looks like s.h.i.t that he left the way he did, but I promise you... he didn't want to. He got it in his head that you needed protecting. From him. That's the reason he left."

My eyes sting as I nod.

"I figured," I tell him. "But that doesn't take away the fact that he left without saying a word. He hasn't returned my texts or calls. It's a s.h.i.tty thing to do."

Brand nods. "I agree. And so does he. I think he can't trust himself to talk to you. He thinks that if he does, he'll just come back."

"And would that be so bad?" Even I hear how thin my voice is.

Brand shakes his head. "I don't think so. But Gabe is dead set on keeping you safe. He misses you like h.e.l.l, though."

My eyes fill up with tears now, so I nod and look away.

"OK," I finally manage to say. "Thanks for telling me, Brand."

He puts his hand on my shoulder for a minute and then he's gone. After a second, Jacey comes back, staring at me in concern.

"Are you OK?" she asks quietly. I nod.

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Yeah. I'm glad Gabe is getting help. Want to tell me what happened to him that f.u.c.ked him up so bad?"

For a minute I'm tempted. But after thinking about it for a minute I shake my head.

"I can't. That's his story to tell."

"I figured you would say that," Jacey sighs.

"What was Brand annoyed with you about?" I ask. "What aren't you supposed to tell Gabe?"

Jacey actually looks sheepish. "Um. I lied to Gabe about Jared."

I raise an eyebrow. "You what?"

"When Gabe first got here, I told him that Jared was still texting me and s.h.i.t. I lied. He wasn't. He stopped bothering me after that first night that Gabe got in his face here at the restaurant."

I stare at her, aghast. "Then why in the world would you lie? The whole point was just to get Jared to leave you alone, right?"

Jacey stares at her hands on the table. "Yeah. I just... I missed my brother, you know? And I thought he'd stay longer if he thought that Jared was still messing with me. Which he did. And then he started dating you, so he stayed anyway. It all worked out."

I shake my head. "Yeah, except Gabe knocked one of Jared's teeth out because of your lie."