Bad Habits Part 54

Kim covered her eyes. "I can't do this. They want to embarra.s.s me. Make an example of me. I can't face the people I work with after what I've done."

"I won't let them do that to you. Okay? Okay?"

Kim sniffed, wiping her eyes. Who could she blame but herself? She almost died. She destroyed Mathew's life, and she destroyed her boys' life. What was left? Her pride and self-respect checked out long ago.

"Okay," Kim agreed.

"What's going on?" Diane asked. "Tell me?"

"She's checking into Sunnydale, rehab."

Her mother stood still. The three women stood in silence with that dreaded word blocking their speech. Rehab was a cursed word around Diane and one that would either send her into a fit of rage or tears. For the Mason sisters, they'd seen enough stints of rehab for their mother to not believe. If Kim didn't go through with this and beat her demons the first time around, she'd be in and out of this type of facility for the rest of her life, just like Diane. Simone heaved a deep sigh. She cut her eyes over to her mother. "It's okay. Kim is going to be fine. I need you to go back to the house and pack her things. Bring Anne and the boys." Simone then looked back at Kim with a sad smile to her face. "They need to say goodbye."

"She's not ready to go yet. She isn't well."

"She's better. Aren't you, Kimmy?"

Kim's eyes finally lifted. They latched on to her mother's. She reached over to the clipboard, removed the pen and then scribbled on the three sheets. Sniffing, she pa.s.sed the board to her sister. "I'll be okay. I'm ready to go."

Simone accepted it.

Diane forced a smile. "Whew, okay then," she said with much flare. "Yeah, I'll get a cab, but you need to break me off with some more money, hun. You know how much a cab ride out to Sheepshead will be."

Simone grabbed her purse hitched up on her shoulder. "I'm going to walk Mama down and put her in a cab, and then I'll speak to Dr. Murphy," she said with the clipboard in her free hand, favoring the sore one and keeping it close to her chest. "We'll give you some privacy to do what we discussed, okay, sweetie?"

"What the f.u.c.k is wrong with your thumb?" Diane asked, reaching for her hand.

Simone smiled it off. "We'll talk about it later. Let's go."

A few of her tears dropped to the notepad. Her pain seemed to bleed through the pages. Writing him was easy. She had a lot to thank him for, to explain to him and to make right. But saying goodbye would be harder than even she imagined. Did he blame her? He should. No matter how much she wanted his forgiveness, she knew in her heart that her actions made it impossible. And she had to accept it.

Kim swiped her hand down the wall, shutting off the fluorescent bulb buzzing in the sterile white bathroom. She walked out to find them all there. Anne and Diane had managed to get along long enough to drive back and wait patiently for her. It was strange to find them sitting next to each other. Simone had gathered them all. Her boys quickly broke free of their caregiver and grandmother to run over to their mother. Dressed identically she'd know her babies apart in her sleep. The moment she stooped to hug them, she fell to pieces. She kissed both of their faces and rubbed their chubby cheeks. She tried to stare at them long and hard so she could take the look of them and the smell of them with her and keep them close.

"Hungry," Denny said, blinking up at her.

"Am too, Mommy," Danny echoed.

She smiled. They were talking more. She could understand them more. She hugged them both again, feeling stronger. "Tee-Tee is going to take you to McDonalds. She's going to stay with you. You're going to have so much fun. I have to go away for a little while." They looked on, barely understanding.

And then Denny grinned. "Yay! Ma'Donnooos!"

Everyone laughed. The twins grinned.

"Kim, I put some pictures of them in your bag," Diane said, pointing at her packed things. "I know them places. They try to make you feel like s.h.i.t. You will need those pictures to remember why you have to see this through."

"Mom." Simone shook her head smiling at the gesture.

Kim rose. She had enough strength to lift both of her children in her arms. It was time to say goodbye. She kissed the boys one last time, then handed them over. "They say I can't have visitors, or my cell phone or anything."

"You can write," Simone smiled. "And it's not for long. Two months and you're home. Better than ever, right?"

Kim stiffened. A lot could change in two months. Her children, her life, all of her could disappear in two months. "I don't think I can do this, Simone. They have other programs. Outpatient programs that are really good. You know that."

"Now you know that s.h.i.t won't work!" Diane said through clenched teeth. She marched over and got in Kim's face. "You strong, Kimmy. Stronger than all of us, baby. Remember that. You always have been. And look at you today. You still standing. Cut the bulls.h.i.t. This is what you have to do. This is how you have to do it. You knows it. Go there and get better. Do what I can't. Get better and be a mama to them boys. That's what I didn't do for you. You gone be that person? A mother who won't even try? You gone be me?"

Kim sighed. "No."

"d.a.m.n right." Diane lifted a hand to touch her, then lowered it. "Please fight, Kim. It's hard, but you have to."

She stared at her mother for a long pause, and then nodded. "I'm sorry for blaming you and for punishing you. You're right. Every time I looked at you, I saw what I was doing to my children. I didn't want to stop. I'm sorry."

"Sheeeiiiit. I can take it," Diane chuckled. She cupped Kim's face. "Hate me all you want, baby. Just get better. Be better than me. It's all I want is for you to be better."

When they embraced, she found freedom. She may never understand Diane the way Simone did, but she understood her mother now in ways her sister never would. She looked up at Simone and Anne. "Are they waiting for me?"

"Downstairs," Simone said. "Let's go together."

Kim agreed. She walked over and picked up her bags. Simone lowered Denny and went to the door. Danny immediately started crying. The sounds of his soft cries for her were too much. She hurried out without looking back. In the hall, she nearly collided with Gwen an LPN on her team. Gwen looked away so she didn't have to speak. It hurt.

Simone caught it. "Come on," she said, slipping her arm in with hers.

"Here's the letter. He's down on the marina and lives off his boat. It's 239. That's the lot number if he's still there. I don't know if he's still there."

"He's there, and I'll find him."

She nodded as they entered the elevator. Once they walked out, she pa.s.sed others she knew. Most stared. A few spoke. No one wished her well. A sacred code among nurses was broken. Kim didn't expect forgiveness. Even if she managed to keep her license, she'd never be able to work at Mercy again.

Director Randall approached, tapping the timepiece on her wrist. Kim turned to Simone. "Denny likes for you to read Max and Ruby to him every night. Danny will ask for juice before bed. He really means milk. Don't do it. It'll keep him up. And um... well they get a little cranky when I'm not there so if you could remind them that I'm coming back, please."

"Of course you are," Simone smiled. "I spoke to Director Randall. After six weeks, you can have a visitor. I'm coming to see you as soon as I can, okay?"

Kim hugged her. "What about Keith? I know how he can be. Is he okay with this?"

"Let me handle Keith. We'll sit down and have a long talk, a really long talk when you're ready." Simone squeezed her. "I'm so proud of you, Kimmy. So proud of you."

"Yeah, well like you said, it has to be done."

She smiled a sad smile and then stepped away. Walking out with the doctor, she glanced back at Simone, watching from the lobby. It really hurt to say goodbye.

He wanted to set sail, but after a few beers, he abandoned the thought. Mostly, he sat up on his upper deck and watched others sail in and out of the marina waiting for the sun to set. He had a few final things to be wrapped up before he headed back to South Carolina. What he'd do from there if he couldn't practice medicine, he wasn't sure. But at least he'd be where things were most familiar. New York wasn't his city.

"Excuse me?"

Mathew sat up. The setting sun in his eyes blocked the person. Her voice, height and shape, for a brief moment made him think of Kim. But the disorient cleared from his mind and the glare of the sun eased. He saw the truth. It wasn't her. "Yes?"

"Are you Mathew Donnelly?"

"I am."

"Hi. I'm Kim's sister, Simone."

Mathew stood. "Oh, um...hi. Come on aboard," he said, wiping his hands on his jeans. She reached for his hand and stepped over. The boat continued to bob lightly under his feet, but she landed on hers, steady. The woman before him had Kim's smile, and her eyes. It surprised him how much it hurt to be reminded of her.

"Is Kim okay?" Mathew asked.

"She will be," Simone nodded.

"Please." He pointed to the cabin door. With the breeze picking up, the sun setting, he figured whatever the visit was about they should discuss it inside. Simone accepted. He hoped she didn't smell the beer on his breath or reeking out of his skin. But from the way he looked, unshaven, with a wrinkled shirt and faded jeans, it didn't take much to figure him out.

He followed her. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Oh no, I got the boys with my mom and Anne. Well you know how those two don't mix," Simone said. She sat down. Mathew agreed he understood. It had been hard for him not to call and check on Kim, especially the kids. But he knew it was for the best.

"Guess you're wondering why I'm here."

He looked puzzled.

She opened her purse. He watched as she pulled out a folded piece of paper. "Kim's getting help, thanks to you. Dr. Murphy told me the truth and what you did. I didn't tell Kim the extent of it. She felt horrible over what happened."

"What truth is that?"

"That you agreed to leave the hospital if they didn't press charges. Thank you, Mathew."

"I want her to be well. I'm glad to hear she will be."

"Can I share a little with you?" Simone asked, resting her hands on her purse over the folded piece of paper he couldn't stop staring at. "About my sister that is?"

He nodded.

"She never had a chance to be a little girl. We're only three years apart. Diane, our mom, is bipolar and an alcoholic. Before she turned to alcohol, she was a manic-depressive on and off her meds. My father did the best to manage her at first but soon after I was born, it got worst. My mother's destructive nature consumed my family. From as far back as I can remember, Kim took care of me. Everything that I needed I got from Kim first. That's pretty tough on a little kid."

"I can imagine."

Simone sighed. "We all rely on Kim to be strong. Even Dennis relied on her. I used to joke that she was the mother to us all." Mathew listened. He saw Kim differently. In fact, he had to admit that it was her weakness and sadness that drew him to her. Funny how he never knew her. Really knew her. He wiped his hand down his face and sighed. Simone looked up. "When Dennis died, she was in the last trimester of her pregnancy. She only cried once, Mathew, and that was with me. She was strong for us all. He meant the world to her. We knew that. We just didn't know how much pain she was in. Kim's good at hiding her pain. She had to be for so many reasons. This thing she did, lying to you, manipulating you, I want you to know that's not my sister. Not my Kimmy. I know it may be hard for you to believe, considering what's happened. But she really did lose her way."

Simone handed him the paper. He reached for it, his heart pounding in his chest. He had questioned so much in the past day or so. He felt so disillusioned with his own self-pity. He hadn't considered the illness for what it was. If he did, he'd only want to save her all over again.

"She wanted me to give that to you. She wouldn't agree to go into rehab unless I delivered it."

"How long will she be gone?" Mathew asked in a hollow voice.

"Two months. She's at Sunnydale."

"Thank you, Simone."

"No. Thank you. Kimmy doesn't give her heart over easy. She's terrified of being that vulnerable. But she trusted Dennis and gave it to him. Mathew, she trusted you too. She cares a lot for you. More than she even realized. And my babies, I call them that," Simone chuckled wiping at a tear, "they asked for Matt-Matt so apparently they trust you too."

"They do?"

Simone nodded. "If you want to visit them-"

"No, I can't," he said a little to abrupt.

Simone nodded. "I understand." She rose. So did he. She extended her hand. "You saved her life. Thank you. Thank you for being there for her when I couldn't. She's right. You are a special guy."

He smiled, shaking her hand. "I love... I care about her. I hope she gets better for her boys, for herself. Tell her I wish her well."

Simone understood. "Take care."

He watched her go. Silently, he then dropped back down to his seat with the folded piece of paper. He stared at it, trying to absorb it all, despite the numbing pain that spread through his chest making it harder to breathe. All of this was despite the consequences of his habit to be a savior at all cost. He felt something real with Kim. That much he was sure of.

Mathew, I know you have your reasons not to read this letter, but I'm hoping you will. I want to thank you for saving my life. And you did, Mathew. You saved my life in more ways than you know. Now they tell me that I've ruined yours, and I can't stop feeling so desperate to make this right. I know I have a problem. I've had one long before you and I became friends. And I'll have this problem for the rest of my life. None of it is your fault. It's mine. I know that now. I'm so very sorry for what happened and the pain I caused you. I'm sorry for not being able to tell you the truth, and trust you. You deserved better. I'm sorry for the lies.

The night we spent together was the first time intimacy wasn't so scary for me. You are a special guy, and I gained a lot of hope because of your heart. That's what I felt with you, Mathew. My own issues distorted it, tainted it and I wish I could change that. Maybe after I find my way again, I can find you again. Maybe not. I just want you to know that I do love you, that I will love you and I will make it up to you for all that I've done to destroy your life. I swear it. I'm sorry.

As you said before you left, be good to yourself, baby. I will see you again soon.

Kim Mathew expelled a long breath and closed his eyes. He dropped his head back and breathed in through his nose. None of it worked. The distance, the beer, the solitude, none of it removed her from his mind or heart. He ached so badly for her. Still, he had half a mind to wait. For what, he didn't know. She was never his. What they had was never real. Dropping his hand over his eyes as moisture built behind his tightly shut lids, he shook his head and gave another sad sigh. "Every rose has its thorns."

He put the letter in his back pocket and wiped at the tears in the corners of his eyes. It was time for him to do the same. He had to find himself. The first step was letting Nurse Jensen go.

Chapter Twenty-Six.

Brotherly Love Cain/Simone From the kitchen, she heard a loud splash, water sloshing, and then a chorus of giggles followed by her mother cursing. Simone glanced back over her shoulder and listened.

"Mom?"

She heard one of the babies squeal in laughter and then more cursing.

"Hey, are you okay in there?" she called out. She turned off the tap, dropped the dishrag over the divider in the sink and then leaned forward with her neck careening to see past the dining room table and chairs. "Mom?"

"We're fine!" Diane yelled back.

Simone shook her head, smiling. Diane volunteered to bathe the twins. It was a privilege Kim would never grant unsupervised. But Simone had. She'd taken precautions by running just an inch of bathwater and laying out towels and baby gels and lotions. All her mother had to do was wipe b.u.t.ts and clean out ears. How much trouble could she get into? She listened for more strange noises and didn't hear any. She doubted they were 'fine', but at the very least she knew the boys would have fun drowning grandma.

The phone rang and she jumped, literally cried out. She looked over to the ringing phone and stared at it as if it were Keith himself. Simone stood there at the sink, not breathing. She'd been suppressing her terror and rage at her husband, but now it seemed impossible to cage. And then the ringing stopped. Simone closed her eyes and tried to relax. Nothing could quell her beating heart. A different phone rang with an insect-like buzzing sound that sent quivers over her skin, as her mobile vibrated deep within her purse. Simone gripped the sink and sucked in a deep breath. "Stop it, girl. Stop it," she said, talking herself down.