Bad Habits Part 44

He spun the wheel to the right, and the boat cruised toward the dark open ocean. She felt some hope. Just a little because he still couldn't look at her the way he used to. She sat on the stool next to him as he navigated. "I wanted to tell you. I almost did, but when I thought about how you'd get in trouble, I couldn't."

"You didn't think about anybody but yourself," Mathew said.

"True. Can I tell you my side?"

His eyes slipped over. She gave him a small smile. "Please."

"I'm listening."

"Patel was right. I was using regularly at work. But I wasn't doing it to give him special favors. I was doing it because, well, because I don't know why."

"That's because you couldn't stop," Mathew said.

"No! See that's the thing. I can stop. I haven't really tried yet, see? I'm a nurse. I know my threshold."

Mathew sighed.

"Remember my plan to take some days off? Remember? I was going to go clean. I was going to do it for my babies, for you." She touched his arm and tried to give him a smile. He shot her such a steely glare that her hand dropped away.

"Don't go there. It's pretty clear you don't give a s.h.i.t about me," Mathew said.

"Don't say that," Kim bristled.

"I know the score. Been here before, remember? You used me to get rid of Patel because he was going to blow your cover. Now you're here to keep me quiet so you won't get busted."

"Mathew, sweetheart, that's not true."

"I asked you point blank for the truth. I told you that I wanted to be there for you, and you lied to my face. Not just once, Kim, several times, repeatedly, over and over. Now you want to sit here and tell me that I imagined it?"

"I lied to protect you!" Kim said.

"Another f.u.c.king lie!"

She didn't know what to say. He was so angry with her. She might not have seen him, all of him before. She might have used him to escape like she did the pills, but he was wrong about one thing, she did care. More than she thought she could considering it all. He got in, where no one else had, and she wanted him. He loved her babies. He treated her with such care, and he made her feel sane. How did she explain that?

"We just made love yesterday. I felt that," Kim said.

He sneered at her. "Yeah, me too. You gave a good show, darlin'."

She flinched.

He turned down the engine and dropped the anchor. "Isn't that why you wanted to come out here? Give me some p.u.s.s.y and get me in line? Is that what you did for Patel?"

She slapped him. Mathew glared at her and walked off.

"You know what, you aren't a victim here! I didn't pursue you, or seek you out. Never tried to be your d.a.m.n friend. Remember? I kept to myself and dealt with my pain my way. You were the one looking to play hero to the widow with her fatherless kids. At least be honest about that!" she said, hurrying after him.

He stopped and looked back at her. Dropping her hands to her hips, she bit back her tears. "I screwed up, okay? I did. But I'm still the woman that made love to you, that wants to be with you. That's your friend. I just got issues, but they were mine long before I let you into my heart."

"Get help," he said.

"I plan to. I'm going to quit."

"No. GET HELP. Check yourself into rehab," he tossed back.

"No!"

"I can talk to Murphy," Mathew said.

"No!"

"They have programs that will be discreet."

"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" she shouted at him. Shaking all over, her bottom lip quivered. "NO!" Kim sniffed, and tried to control herself. "I won't do it. I want to quit, and I will, I can do it. I'm strong enough to do it, but I won't risk my job or my babies. I could lose them both if I go public with my secret."

"You can't fight it alone," Mathew reasoned.

"But I'm not alone. I got you, sweetie, if you help me. You're a doctor-"

"I'm not playing that game, sweetheart."

"Mathew, it's not as bad as you think. I'm not that bad. Yes, I take a pill here and there but not always. I never do it at home. Well not really, and I never do it when on duty. I mean I only do it every so often. So I can beat it."

"Tell me about the medical supply room," Mathew said.

"Huh?"

He stepped toward her. "If Patel was giving you pills, then why did you steal them?"

Kim nibbled on her bottom lip. Hugging herself, she shrugged. "That was a mistake, a one time fluke."

"Answer me, Kim. Why did you steal them?" he asked.

"He was blackmailing me and I panicked. It was a one time mistake."

He dropped his head back and put his hands into the front of his pants. "You need to go into a facility. You need care. You need counseling. I'm not that good, darlin'. It's something you have to do on your own."

"I need you, Mathew. Only you." She took a cautious step toward him. "I need you so bad, Mathew until it hurts. Please, please, trust me. Help me. I can't go public. The state is all over me with this case and my job is all I have. My sons are only two. Murphy will have to involve the police no matter what you say and they'd take my kids. Please, I messed up, but I can't lose my children. I didn't get on the pills on purpose. I really didn't. I just need to cool down from them. I can do it. I can. It's no big deal if you help me. We know the withdrawal routine. We know what I'm facing. I need you there."

He reached for her, and she felt complete when she was drawn into his arms. Kim burst into tears, clinging to him. She couldn't put into words what his holding her again meant. What his forgiveness would mean. Her head lifted and she saw the storm of conflict brewing in his eyes. He was struggling with something himself. He was weak too. She really didn't want to take advantage.

She touched his face tenderly, lifted on her toes and kissed him. He held her to him so tight she was lifted off her feet. She wrapped her arms around him and held on, deepening the kiss, desperate for more. Wanting him to push her for more.

"I love you, Kim," he said against her mouth, holding her face in the palms of his large hands.

She smiled, wishing she could say it back but not sure what love was anymore. "I'm sorry I hurt you, and that I wasn't honest."

He kissed her tears away from her face, and he handled her with care. "Where are the pills?" he whispered in her ear.

"Gone. Diane flushed them."

"Don't lie to me, Kim."

She looked back at him.

"Where's your stash?"

"I dunno."

He held her stare. She swallowed, thinking, thinking, thinking. If she told him, then he'd take the last two, and she might need them to just ease off them. If she lied to him, it would be the final straw. He let her go, turned and walked out.

"Mathew, wait!"

She hurried down the stairs, her stomach cramping, her legs cramping and her courage ebbing. "Mathew!"

To her horror, when she arrived in the lower cabin, he was emptying her purse. He held up the baggie of the pills she had left.

"Wait!" she said, putting her hands up. "Listen to me. That's all there is left. My mother flushed them all away."

"Good, you'll flush these."

"I can't," she panted, "Let me explain."

He frowned.

"I need them."

He balled them in his fist, and her stomach lurched.

Kim took a step toward him. "I have to go off them right. Oxy is very potent. You know that even in the hospital we give small doses of morphine to counteract the withdrawal. I mean we might need to get me to do a gradual thing, you know?"

He grabbed her by the arm.

"Ouch!"

He forced her to walk to the back of the cabin. She shook her head in defiance. She glanced back at him with panic in her heart. "Please, Mathew, no...please, no."

He kicked open the bathroom door, holding on to her and forced her inside. "Flush them. You do it, and you do it now. Then I can start to trust you."

She looked up at him, hurt. Her eyes glistened with tears that clouded her vision. "But what am I going to do without them, Mathew? I'm scared."

"Do it!"

She nodded, taking the pills. The last pills. She prayed silently and told herself she could do it. She wasn't Diane. She didn't have that 'kind' of problem. Of course she could do it. It wasn't crack. She dropped them from her hand. Two plops into the water in the toilet before she slowly reached and flushed. She finally lifted her eyes to find him gone.

Kim wiped at her tears. She went looking for him. He was there, waiting. "Come here," he said, his arm extended. She went to him and he kissed her forehead. He led her to the back cabin. He led her to the bed. "Is Anne with your boys?"

"Yes," she said softly.

He laid her down and got in behind her. Bringing her up against his chest, he held her in the spooned position. "I've come into some days off myself. I can stay with you."

"Can you stay tonight?" she asked, shivering, scared and sad. "Please."

He kissed the back of her head. "I won't leave you."

She closed her eyes. She felt the sigh in his chest and the sad beat of his heart. It matched her own. She focused on comfort as her mind kept flashing the image of the pills going down the commode.

Mathew had taken the boys to the store over an hour ago. Late last night, he brought some things over. He didn't want to leave her. She convinced him that she needed to talk to Anne. The morning wasn't as bad. Her skin felt dry and itchy and her stomach cramped, but the worst hadn't come, not yet. It would, and soon. Staring down into her coffee, she listened as Anne walked to the back of her house. Finally, she emerged.

"Kim?"

"Can you come in and have a seat?"

Anne walked in. "Where are the boys? I just checked on them, and they are gone."

"Mathew took them to the store."

"He's here?"

"He's here," Kim answered with a nod.

"Oh."

Kim sipped the coffee, never lifting her eyes. "I'm going to be home for the next two weeks. I'm taking some time off. Mathew is taking some time off too. We're both going to be home," she said softly.

"You two are serious?"

Kim smiled. G.o.d help her but she was ever so grateful for her Mathew. Were they serious? As serious as a person like her could ever be. She couldn't wait to be sober, sane and to really know and love Mathew. She wanted to be that woman. She was going to try.

"Hey, you okay?" Anne asked, touching her shoulder.

"I want to thank you, Anne, for being there these past months. For taking care of my babies. I wasn't here, not really. I know that now," Kim said.

"I love them, Kim. I love you."

Kim sipped her coffee. "I know you do, sweetie."

"What is it? Diane called here last night. She was drunk."

"She's always drunk," Kim said dryly.

"She said you were a junkie and I was enabling you?"

Kim drew in her bottom lip. "Diane's crazy. You know that."

"Kim, she told me about the pills. I've seen them before. Seen you take them."