Baboo Jabberjee, B.A Part 3

_Dealing with his Adventures at Olympia._

The dialoquial form is now become an indispensible _factotum_ in periodical literature, and so, like a _brebis de Panurge_, I shall follow the fashion occasionally,--though with rather more obedience to a literary elegant style of phraseology than my predecessors in _Punch_ have thought worth to practise.

Time: the other morning. Scene: the breakfast table at Porticobello House, Ladbroke Grove. Myself and other select boarders engaged in masticating fowl eggs with their concomitant bacon, while intelligently discussing topical subjects (for we carry out the poetical recipe of "Plain thinking and high living").

_Miss Jessimina_ (_at the table-head_). The papers seem eloquent in laudation of the Sporting and Military Show at Olympia. How I should like to go if I had anyone to take me!

_Mr Wylie_ (_stingily_). And I would be enraptured at so tip-top an opportunity, but for circ.u.mstance of being stonily broken.

[_Helps himself to the surviving fowl egg._

_Mr Cossetter_ (_in sepulchral tone_). Alack! that doctorial prescriptions do nill for me such nocturnal jinks; otherwise----

[_He treats himself to a digestible pill._

_Myself_ (_taking a leap into the darkness and deadly breaches_). Since other gentlemen are not more obsequious in gallantry, I hereby tender myself for honour of accompanyist and _vade mec.u.m_.

_Miss Jess._ (_lowering the silken curtains of her almond-like orbs_).

Oh, really, PRINCE! So _very_ unexpected! I must obtain the expert opinion of my Mamma.

Mistress MANKLETOW did approve the jaunt on condition of our being saddled by a select lady boarder of the name of SPINK as a _tertium quid_ to play at propriety; at which I was internally disgusted, fearing she would play the old gooseberry with our _tete-a-tete_.

Having arrived at Olympia, we perambulated the bazaar prior to the commencement of the shows, and here (after parting with rs. 8 for three seats on the balcony) I did bleed more freely still, for Miss JESSIMINA expressed a pa.s.sionate longing to possess my profile, snipped out of paper by the scissors of a Silhouette, for which I mulcted one shilling sterling.

And, after all, although it proved the _alter ego_ and speaking likeness of my embossed Bombay cap and golden spectacles, she found the fault that it rendered my complexion of a too excessive murksomeness; not reflecting (with feminine imperceptivity) that, the material being black as a Stygian, this criticism applied to the portraitures of all alike!

Farther on I presented her and the female gooseberry with a pocket-handkerchief a-piece, interwoven by a mechanism with their baptismal appellation (another rupee!).

Then we arrived at a cage containing an automatic Devil revealing the future for a penny in the slit, and Miss JESSIMINA worked the oracle with a coin advanced by myself, and the demon, after flashing his optics and consulting sundry playing-cards, did presently produce a small paper which she opened eagerly.

_Miss Jess._ (_after perusal_). Only fancy! It says I'm "to marry a dark man, and go for a long journey, and be very rich." What ridiculous nonsense! do you not think so, PRINCE?

_Myself_ (_with a tender sauciness_). Poet SHAKSPEARE a.s.serts there are more things in Heaven and earth than the Horatian philosophy. I am not a superst.i.tious--and yet this mechanical demon may have seen correctly through the brick wall of Futurity. Have you not a worshipful adorer who might be described as dark, and to whose native land it is a long journey?

_Miss Jess._ (_with the complexion of a tomato_). It's time we took our seats for the performance. And you are not to be a silly!

It is notorious that the English female vocabulary contains no more caressing and flattering epithet than this of "a silly," so that I repaired to my seat immoderately encouraged by such gracious appreciation.

Of the show, I can testify that it was truly magnificent, though the introductory portion was somewhat spoilt by the too great prevalence of the bicycle, which is daily increasing its ubiquity, nor do I see the rationality of engaging a _sais_ in topped boots to attend upon each machine, under the transparent pretentiousness of its belonging to the equine genus, since it can never become the similitude of a horse in mettlesome vivacity.

My companions marvelled greatly at the severe curvature of the extremities of the cycle-track, which were shaped like the interior of a huge bowl, and while I was demonstrating to them how, from scientific considerations and owing to the centrifugal forces of gravitation, it was not possible for any rider to become a loser of his equilibrium--lo and behold! two of the compet.i.tors made the _facilis descensus_, and were intermingled in the weltering hotchpot of a calamity.

But on being disentangled they did limp away, and it is allowable to hope that they suffered no serious dismantling of their vital organs.

Still, I cannot approve of these bicycle contentions, which are veritable provocative flights at the providential features.

After the termination I conducted my _protegees_ to the Palmarium, where we sat under a shrub imbibing lemon crushes, brought by a neat-handed Phyllis in the uniform of a house-maid intermixed with a hospital nurse.

Here occurred a most discomposing _contretemps_, for presently Miss JESSIMINA uttered the complaint that two strangers were regarding herself and Miss SPINK with the brazen eyes of a sheep, and even making personal comments on my nationality, which rendered me like toad under a harrow with burning indignation.

At length, being utterly beside myself with rage, I summoned one of the Phyllises and requested her to take steps to abate the nuisance, being met with a smiling "_Nolo Episcopari_." So, entreating my companions not to give way to panic and leave their cause in my hands, I went in search of a policeman.

Unfortunately some time flew before I could find one at liberty to understand my crucial position, nor could I obtain from him a legal opinion as to whether I could administer a cuff or a slap in the ear to my insulters without incurring risk of retaliation in kind.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WITH A LARGE, STOUT CONSTABLE."]

And, on returning to the spot with a large, stout constable, I had the mortification to discover that the two impolite strangers had departed, and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were similarly imperceptible.

However, after prolonged search and mental anxiety, I returned alone, and was rewarded by finding my fair friends arrived in safety; and hearing that the two strangers had explained, in the gentlemanly terms of an apology, that they had mistaken them for acquaintances.

Consequently I am thankful that I did not execute my design of a.s.sault and battery, more especially as I am the happy receiver of many handsome compliments on all sides upon the tactfulness and _savoir faire_ with which I extricated myself from my shocking fix.

At which my countenance beams with the shiny resplendency of self-satisfaction.

VII

_How Mr Jabberjee risked a Sprat to capture something very like a Whale._

I am this week to narrate an unprecedented stroke of bad luck occurring to the present writer. The incipience of the affair was the addressing of a humble pet.i.tion to the indulgent ear of Hon'ble _Punch_, calling attention to the great copiousness of my literary out-put, and the ardent longing I experienced to behold the colour of money on account.

On which, by returning post, my parched soul was reinvigorated by the refreshing draught of a _draft_ (if I may be permitted the rather facetious _jeu de mots_) payable to my order.

So uplifted by pride at finding the insignificant crumbs I had cast upon the journalistic waters return to me after numerous days in the improved form of loaves and fishes, I wended my footsteps to the bank on which my cheque was drafted, and requested the bankers behind the counter to honour it with the equivalent in filthy lucres, which they did with obsequious alacrity.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WAS ACCOSTED BY A POLITE, AGREEABLE STRANGER."]

After closely inspecting the notes to satisfy myself that I had not been imposed upon by meretricious counterfeits, I emerged with a beaming and joyful countenance, stowing the needful away carefully in an interior pocket, and, on descending the bank step, was accosted by a polite, agreeable stranger, who, begging my pardon with profusion, inquired whether he had not had the honour of voyaging from India with me in the--the--for his life he could not recall the name of the ship--he should forget his own name presently!

"Indeed," I answered him, "I cannot remember having the felicity of an encounter with you upon the _Kaisar-i-Hind_."

The Stranger: "To be sure; that _was_ the name! A truly magnificent vessel! I forget names--but faces, never! And yours I remember from the striking resemblance to my dear friend, the Maharajah of Bahanapur--you know him?--a very elegant young, handsome chap. A splendid _Shikarri_! I was often on the verge of asking if you were related; but being then but a second-cla.s.s pa.s.senger, and under an impecunious cloud, did not dare to take the liberty. Now, being on the bed of clover owing to decease of wealthy uncle, I can address you without the mortifying fear of misconstruction."

So, in return, I, without absolutely claiming consanguinity with the Maharajah (of whom, indeed, I had never heard), did inform him that I, too, was munching the slice of luck, having just drawn the princely instalment of a salary for jots and t.i.ttles contributed to periodical _Punch_. Whereat he warmly congratulated me, expressing high appreciation of my articles and abilities, but exclaiming at the miserable paucity of my _honorarium_, saying he was thick as a thief with the Editor, and would leave no stone unturned to procure me a greater adequacy of remuneration for writings that were dirt cheap at a Jew's eye.

And presently he invited me to accompany him to a respectable sort of tavern, and solicited the honour of my having a "peg" at his expense; to which I, perceiving him to be a good-natured, simple fellow, inflated by sudden prosperity, consented, accepting, contrary to my normal habitude, his offer of a brandy panee, or an old Tom.

While we were discoursing of India (concerning which I found that, like most globular trotters, he had not been long enough in the country to be accurately informed), enters a third party, who, it so happened, was an early acquaintance of my companion, though separated by the old lang sign of a longinquity. What followed I shall render in a dialogue form.

The Third party: Why, TOMKINS, you have a prosperous appearance, TOMKINS. When last met, you suffered from the impecuniosity of a churched mouse. Have you made your fortune, TOMKINS?

_Mr Tomkins._ I am too easy a goer, and there are too many rogues in the world, that I should ever make my own fortune, JOHNSON! Happily for me, an opulent and ancient avuncular relative has lately departed to reside with the morning stars, and left me wealth outside the dream of an avaricious!

_Mr Johnson_ (_enviously_). G.o.d bless my soul! Some folks have the good luck. (_To me, whispering._) A poor ninny-hammer sort of chap, he will soon throw it away on drakes and ducks! (_Aloud, to ~Mr TOMKINS.~_) Splendid! I congratulate you sincerely.

_Mr T._ (_in a tone of dolesomeness_). The heart knoweth where the shoe pinches it, JOHNSON. My lot is not a rose-bed. For my antique and eccentric relative must needs insert a testamentary condition commanding me to forfeit the inheritance, unless, within three calendered months from his last obsequies, I shall have distributed ten thousand pounds amongst young deserving foreigners. To-morrow time is up, and I have still a thousand pounds to give away! But how to discover genuine young deserving foreigners in so short a s.p.a.ce? Truly, I go in fear of losing the whole!