Baboo Jabberjee, B.A Part 10

Still, I could not induce myself to adopt his spoofish strategy, for I reflected that, though it might convince her that I was unmarriageable, it would only increase her fury and the vengeance of her champion boarders. So at length I composed a moving epistle, as follows:--

INCOMPARABLE--THOUGH LACK-A-DAISY!

INACCESSIBLE--JESSIMINA!

Poet SHAKSPEARE has shrewdly observed that "a true lover never did run a straight course," and the sincerity of present writer's affection is incontestably proved by his apparent crookedness of running, and keeping dark outside the illuminating rays of thy moon-like countenance. The cause is the unforeseen cataclysm of a decree from my family astrologer or _dowyboghee_, whom I have anxiously consulted upon our joint matrimonial prospects. [MEM. TO THE READERS.--_This was what young ~HOWARD~ would term "~the bit of spoof~." I am no ninny-hammer to consult an exploded astrologer!_] _Miserabile dictu!_ the venerable and senile pundit reports that such an alliance would infallibly plunge us into the peck of troubles, since the sign of your natal month is the meek and innocent Lamb--while mine is the more ferocious Lion!

A very slight familiarity with Natural History, &c., will show you the utter incompatibility of temper between such an uncongenial couple of animals, and the correctness of said astrologer's prediction that it must infallibly be the Lamb who would be whiphanded in the unequal conflict.

In consequence, though I am beating the floor with my head as I write, and moistening the carpet with the copiousness of my lachrymations, I must bid you the final and irrevocable adieu and _au revoir_, since I am unwilling to act as a selfish. Think of me as "a prince out of thy star," to quote the reference of SHAKSPEARE'S character, _Polonius_, to _Hamlet_, under precisely similar circ.u.mstances. You will please forget me _instanter_, and accept this as my last solemn so-long, which I utter on the threshold of preparation for the stern and dreaded ordeal of Bar Exam. In frantic haste,

Your ever faithful and broken-hearted Baboo,

HURRY.

P.S.--_No answer required._

But after an interval of a very few posts, in spite of my strict injunctions to contrary, I got the answer that she was deeply moved by my self-sacrifice, and had never loved me more. Having been brought up in a Christian disbelief of all astronomy, she was not in fear of my "doweybogey" or any other native bogies, and nothing should part us, if she could help it. She added, that I had been seen about Westbourne Grove recently.

On receipt of this touching and beautiful communication I was again in the stampede of panic, and realised that I must have immediate resort to some stronger description of "Spoof."

It is calamitous that I cannot find a card up my sleeve with the single exception of my young friend HOWARD'S dodge, which I fear will prove too filamentous.

However, a faint heart never got rid of a fair lady!

XIX

_Mr Jabberjee tries a fresh tack. His visit to the India Office and sympathetic reception._

In my last I had the honour to report the total non-success of my endeavour to nill my betrothal on plea of astrological objections, and how I was consequentially up the tree of embarra.s.sment.

I have since resolved that honesty is my best politics, and have confessed to Miss MANKLETOW in a well-expressed curt letter that I am only the possessor of a courtesy t.i.tle, and, so far from rolling on the rosy bed of unlimited rhino, am out of elbows, and dependent upon parental remittances for pin-money.

For corroboration of said statements I begged to refer her politely to my benevolent friend and patron, Hon'ble Sir c.u.mMERBUND, Nevern Square, South Kensington; to whom I simultaneously wrote a private and confidential note, instructing him that if any young female person was to inquire particulars of my birth, origin, &c., he was to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, especially making it clear that I was neither a tip-top Rajah, nor a Leviathan of filthy lucre.

The rest (up to present date) is silence; but I have confident hopes that the manly, straightforward stratagem suggested by my friend, young HOWARD, will accomplish the job, and procure me the happy release.

I am now to pa.s.s to a different subject--to wit, a visit I paid some time since to the India Office. The why of the wherefore was that, in conversation with the ALLb.u.t.t-INNETTS, I had boasted freely of the credit I was in with certain high grade India Official n.o.bs, who could refuse me nothing.

Which was. .h.i.therto the positive fact, since I had never requested any favour at their hands.

But Mrs ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT stated that she had heard that the reception-soirees at said India Office were extremely enjoyable and cla.s.sy, and inquired whether I possessed sufficient influence to obtain for her tickets of admission to one of these select entertainments.

Naturally I had to reply that I could indubitably do the trick, and would at once proceed to the India Office and interview one of the senior clerks who regarded me as his brother.

So, after procuring a _Whitaker Almanack_, and hunting up the name of one of the most senior, I cabbed to Whitehall. Inside the entrance I found an attendant sitting at a table absorbed in reading, who rose and inquired my business, and upon my statement that I desired to see Mr BREAKWATER, Esq., on urgent business, courteously directed me up a marble staircase, at the top of which was a second attendant, also engaged in brown study--for the attendants appear to be laudably addicted to the cultivation of their minds.

He informed me that I should find Mr BREAKWATER'S room down a certain corridor, and proceeding thither, I stopped a clerk who was hurrying along with his hands full of doc.u.ments, and represented that I had come for an immediate interview with Mr BREAKWATER on highly important matters.

He demanded incredulously whether Mr BREAKWATER expected me.

This elevated my monkey, and I retorted, haughtily, that I was the bosom friend of said Mr B., who would be overjoyed to receive me, and, following him into a room, I peremptorily demanded that he should inform his master without fail that Baboo JABBERJEE was there.

Whereupon, with the nonchalance of a Jack in an office, he rang a bell and desired an attendant to usher me to the waiting-room.

There, in a large gloomy apartment, surrounded by portraits of English and Native big pots, I did sit patiently sucking the golden n.o.b of my umbrella for a quarter of an hour, until the attendant returned, saying, that Mr BREAKWATER could see me now, and presently showed me into the aforesaid private room, where, behind a large table covered with wicker baskets containing dockets and memoranda, _et hoc genus omne_, sat the very gentleman whom I had recently taken for his own underling!

Formerly I should have proffered abject excuses, but I am now sufficiently up in British observances to know that the only necessary is a frank and breezy apology.

So, disguising my bashful confusion, I said, "I am awfully sorry that I took you, my dear old chap, for a common ordinary fellow; but remember the proverb, that 'appearances are deceitful,' and do not reveal a thin skin about a rather natural mistake."

Mr BREAKWATER courteously entreated me not to mention the affair, but to state my business briefly. Accordingly I related how I was a native Bengalee student, at present moving Heaven and Earth to pa.s.s Bar Exam, and my intimate connection with the distinguished Bayswater family of the ALLb.u.t.t-INNETTS, who were consumed with longing for free tickets to an official _soiree_. I then described the transcendent charms of Miss WEE-WEE, and my own ardent desire to obtain her grateful recognition by procuring the open sesame for self and friends. Furthermore, I pointed out that, as an official in the India Office, he was _in loco parentis_ to myself, and bound to indulge all my reasonable requests, and I a.s.sured him that if he exhibited generosity on this occasion, the entire ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT family, self included, would ever pray on the crooked hinges of knees for his temporal and spiritual welfare.

He heard me benignantly, but said he regretted that it was not in his power to oblige me.

"You are not to suppose," I said, "that I am a native TOM-d.i.c.k or HARRY.

I am a B.A. of Calcutta University, and candidate for call to Bar. _In additum_, I am the literary celebrity, being especially retained to jot and t.i.ttle for the periodical of _Punch_."

Mr BREAKWATER a.s.sured me earnestly that he fully appreciated my many distinguished claims, but that he was under an impossibility of granting my pet.i.tion for an invite to the annual summer _soiree_, owing to the fact that aforesaid festivity was already the _fait accompli_.

"How is that?" I exclaimed. "Have I not read in the daily press of a grand _durbar_ to be given shortly in honour of Hon'ble HUNG CHANG?"

"But that is at the Foreign Office," he objected; "we have no connection with such a concern."

[Ill.u.s.tration: "PITCH IT STRONG, MY RESPECTABLE SIR!"]

"The Foreign Office would be better than nullity," I said. "I will tell you what to do. Write me a letter to show to the head of the Foreign Office. You can state that you have known me intimately for a long time, and that I am deserving of patronage. Hint, for instance, that it is impolitic to show favouritism to one Oriental (such as a Chinese) rather than another, and that you will regard any kindness done to me as the personal favour to yourself. Pitch it strong, my respectable Sir!"

He, however, protested that any recommendation from him would be a _brutum fulmen_.

"You are too modest, honoured Sir!" I told him, seeing that flattery was requisite; "but I am not the ignoramus of how highly your character and virtues are esteemed, and I can a.s.sure you that you are not so contemptible a nonent.i.ty as you imagine. Listen to me; I am now to go to the Foreign Office, and shall there a.s.sume the liberty of mentioning your distinguished name as a referee."

With benevolent blandness he accorded me full permission to go where I liked, and say anything I chose, recommending me warmly to depart immediately.

Seeing him so well-disposed, I ventured, on taking my leave, to pat his shoulder in friendly facetiousness, and to say, "It is all right, old boy. Remember, I have complete _bona fides_ in your ability to work the oracle for me successfully." Which rendered him _sotto voce_ with gratification.

But alack! at the Foreign Office, after stating my business and sitting like Patience on a Monument for two immortal hours, I was officially informed that the Princ.i.p.al Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs was not in, and that all the Private and Under Secretaries were equally invisible.

This, I must respectfully submit, is not exactly the correct style to conduct a first-cla.s.s Empire!

XX