Assholeology. Part 16

GREATEST a.s.sET.

For some reason, people want to read what he writes.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

In our case: How to be an a.s.shole.

Appendix A

The a.s.shole Guide to Imbibing

As discussed in Chapter 5: Act Like an a.s.shole (and touched on in just about every other section of this book), the a.s.shole knows how to make, serve, and hold down a drink. And he makes it look easy. Have you mastered that yet? To help you out-that's what we're here for-we've put together the essentials every aspiring A-hole needs to know when it comes to booze. Drink it in.

Pick Your Poison

Choose wisely.

a.s.sholes know how to order the right mixed drink. It should be stiff and to the point. No whipped cream. No sugar rim. No tiny umbrellas. Your drink of choice says a lot about who you are. So you don't want it calling you out as a wimp or a douche bag. Keep the order simple-a vodka soda, a gin and tonic, a Jack and c.o.ke. There's nothing more embarra.s.sing than having to explain to the bartender the ratio of Midori to Blue Curacao your drink requires.

a.s.sholes know how to order

the right mixed drink.

Choosing a signature c.o.c.ktail is important. As discussed in the earlier chapters, tying a person to his drink of choice is a way to remember who he is (and it also works as a conversation starter). You want people to be able to do this with you and your drink.

And when it comes to actually drinking the drink, don't puss out or be obnoxious. You should be able to handle a straight shot of alcohol without a grimace. (If you can't, stick to beer.) But just because you are able to do it doesn't mean you should make a show out of it. Act like you've been to a bar before. Don't yell about taking shots, or how many shots you've taken, or how high the alcohol content is in the particular liquor you're drinking.

In terms of shots, the same rule applies as with a c.o.c.ktail: Keep it simple. The idea is to enjoy the alcohol. If you want to diverge from a straight shot of whiskey or tequila, check out the recipes for the Three Wis.e.m.e.n and SoCo and Lime shots in this section.

Bottom line: You need to be able to pick your drink and handle your alcohol. Indulging without barfing or coming off as an obnoxious loser who cares more about the show of drinking than actually drinking is an absolute must.

Bar Etiquette At the bar, you'll never see an a.s.shole do any of the following:*

(*These actions are total douche bag moves-see Chapter 1 for more on general douche-baggery.) * Lean over the bar and wave his money at the bartender while yelling for his attention.

* Talk loudly on his cell phone about the crazy after-party he's going to.

* Push through the line at the bar because he really needs to order a round of Red Bulls and vodka for him and his "boys."

* Never buy a round.

* Keep his sungla.s.ses on inside the bar.

* Leave a s.h.i.tty tip.

Work and Play a.s.sholes know how to work the workplace mixer.

As discussed in Chapter 6, the a.s.shole has to keep a handle on himself around his coworkers. The people you work with should respect and fear you. This won't be the case if you pound too many shots at Friday's happy hour and start an impromptu karaoke session. You might as well not show up to work on Monday. While it's important to make your presence known at work events, be sure it's for the right reasons. When it comes to social events with coworkers, follow these two simple rules: 1. Never get wasted.

2. Leave before it gets messy.

Essential c.o.c.ktails You can thank us when your bartending skills get you laid.

You'll notice that most of these recipes only call for a few ingredients. The simpler, the better. The point of drinking is to enjoy the alcohol. If you want a sugar high, b.u.mp a few Pixy Stix. The more adept you become behind the bar, the easier it will be to make small talk about what people are drinking, offer drink suggestions, and remember a person's usual c.o.c.ktail (which, as we've been over, is a useful ability).

Contents b.l.o.o.d.y MARY.

CAPE CODDER.

COSMOPOLITAN.

GIBSON.

GIMLET.

GIN AND TONIC.

IRISH COFFEE.

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.

MANHATTAN.

MARGARITA.

MARTINI.

OLD-FASHIONED.

SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS.

SCREWDRIVER.

SIDECAR.

SOCO AND LIME.

THREE WISE MEN.

TOM COLLINS.

VESPER.

VODKA TONIC.

WHISKEY SOUR.

WHITE RUSSIAN.

b.l.o.o.d.y MARY.

2 OUNCES VODKA.

1/2 CUP TOMATO JUICE.

1 TEASPOONS LEMON JUICE.

TABASCO TO TASTE.

WORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE TO TASTE.

BLACK PEPPER TO TASTE.

CELERY STALK.

LIME WEDGE.

Combine ingredients in a shaker (start with two dashes of Tabasco and Worcestershire and a pinch of pepper). Shake and pour into a tall gla.s.s filled with ice. Complete with the celery stalk and lime wedge. Taste and add additional Tabasco, Worcestershire, or pepper as desired.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Now this is the way to start the morning. Make yourself a b.l.o.o.d.y Mary, cook up some eggs and bacon, and get rid of that hangover.

CAPE CODDER.