Approval Addiction Part 4

I'm going to ask you to do something and it's very important. Stop right now, wrap your arms around yourself, give yourself a big hug, and say out loud: "I accept myself. I love myself. I know I have weaknesses and imperfections, but I will not be stopped by them." Try doing that several times a day, and you will soon develop a new att.i.tude and outlook.

Jacob wrestled with the angel of the Lord who touched the hollow of his thigh, and as a result, he always had a limp from that day forward (See Genesis 32:24-32). I always say that Jacob limped off from the fight, but he limped away with his blessing. Another way to say it is this: "G.o.d will bless us even though all of us have a limp (an imperfection)." Remember, G.o.d sees our heart. If we have our faith in Him, and a heart that wants to do right, that is all that is needed.

ACCEPT A BLESSING FOR JESUS' SAKE David and Jonathan had a covenant relationship that included all their heirs (See 1 Samuel 18:3; 20:16; 23:1618). Jonathan was killed, but David became king and began looking for someone he could bless for Jonathan's sake. G.o.d is looking for someone He can bless for Jesus' sake. It can be you, if you will agree.

Jonathan had a son named Mephibosheth who was lame in both feet. He had been living for years in a small town called Lo-debar. It was not a nice town, not a popular town. When our self-image is poor, we often choose surroundings that seem to fit the way we feel about ourselves. I have noticed that some people who are filled with self-loathing won't even bother to fix themselves up or even try to dress or look nice. The way they feel about themselves inside shows on the outside. Other people go to the opposite extreme. They feel so bad about themselves inwardly that they try to hide it by becoming perfectionists outwardly. Everything around them has to appear to be perfecta"their homes, personal appearance, children, spouse, et cetera. They live under tremendous pressure, and they also pressure the other people in their lives.

We respond to the same problem in different ways depending on our temperament and background. Mephibosheth responded by hiding and avoiding the very people who could have helped him. He knew he had rights to land and other privileges because of his father Jonathan's covenant relationship with David who was now the king, but he remained poverty stricken and lonely. Why? Because of the way he saw himself. He let his lame feet embarra.s.s him and keep him from demanding his rights.

How many of us do the same thing? We won't pray boldly or even receive the blessings G.o.d freely offers because of the way we see ourselves. We a.s.sume if we see ourselves in a negative manner, G.o.d and everyone else must see us that way too, but that is not true.

The story of Mephibosheth is told in 2 Samuel, chapter 9, and ends by stating that he finally came to the royal palace by invitation from King David. Everything that was rightfully his was restored to him, and he ate at the king's table even though he was lame in both feet (See vv. 7 and 13). You see, people with a limp (imperfections) can still be blessed, but they must realize that their imperfections don't stop G.o.d: Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout, O Israel! Rejoice, be in high spirits and glory with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem in that day.

[For then it will be that] the Lord has taken away the judgments against you; He has cast out your enemy. The King of Israel, even the Lord [Himself], is in the midst of you; [and after He has come to you] you shall not experience or fear evil any more.

In that day it shall be said to Jerusalem, Fear not, O Zion. Let not your hands sink down or be slow and listless.

The Lord your G.o.d is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, a Savior [Who saves]! He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest [in silent satisfaction] and in His love He will be silent and make no mention [of past sins, or even recall them]; He will exult over you with singing.

Behold, at that time I will deal with all those who afflict you; I will save the limping [ones] and gather the outcasts and will make them a praise and a name in every land of their shame. (Zephaniah 3:14-17, 19, italics mine) Stop! If you didn't read the Scripture pa.s.sages above, I am asking you to go back and do so. I know from experience that sometimes when we are reading a book that includes Scripture, we are so interested in what the book says we skip over some of the Scriptures. In this case I highly recommend that you not only read the Scriptures, but that you also digest them.

These Scriptures share the fact that G.o.d wants to bless those who would appear to be outcasts, those with "limps" in their life. He has determined to gather them and bless them. He promises to cast out the enemy, who in many cases is shame, blame, and disgrace. G.o.d does not want you to experience or fear evil any more. He wants you to rest in peace and enjoy your life. He wants you to enjoy yourself, loving yourself in a balanced way.

So take a moment, read the Scriptures, then thank G.o.d for loving you as you are and for teaching you how to love yourself. When you are ready, we will move into the second section of this book, in which we'll take what we have learned about self-acceptance and apply it toward some specific battles we need to win to properly deal with the approval addiction. Keep pressing on!

G.o.d does not want you to experience or fear evil any more.

Chapter 6.

Overcoming Approval Addiction

When we think of addicts, we may immediately think of drugs or alcohol. But the truth is we can be addicted to almost anything. The apostle Paul stated that he would not allow anything to control him (See 1 Corinthians 6:12). That is a good att.i.tude to have, one that we will have to be very determined to maintain. Even the most "spiritual" people can become addicted to things. Their addictions may not be the things we ordinarily think of when we hear the word addict, but they are real addictions nonetheless.

As we saw earlier, an addiction is something people feel they cannot live without, or something they feel compelled to do in order to relieve pressure, pain, or discomfort of any kind. A drug addict, for example, will do whatever is necessary to get another "fix" whenever he begins to feel uncomfortable. An alcoholic will feel compelled to drink, especially when confronted with life's problems. The substance to which people are addicted helps relieve their pain momentarily, but a controlling cycle begins in their life that is destructive.

I smoked cigarettes for many years and was addicted to nicotine. I experienced the same types of things I have described, thankfully to a lesser degree. For example, if I was in a tense situation, the first thing I reached for was a cigarette. If I became angry or was under stress of any kind, I smoked even more than I normally did. I used smoking to relieve tension rather than dealing with life's problems the way G.o.d would have chosen for me. I would certainly not have considered myself an addict, but eventually I had to face the truth that not only was I addicted to cigarettes, but there were other things in my life that were controlling me as well. I was addicted to approval, the need to be in control, work, reasoning, and other things. Since I desired to be able to say with the apostle Paul, "I will not allow anything to control me," I had to be willing to face the truth and allow G.o.d to change me.

ADDICTED TO REASONING.

G.o.d revealed to me that I was addicted to reasoning. I absolutely could not feel comfortable and at peace unless I thought I had everything in my life figured out. I wanted to know what was going to happen, and how and when it was going to take place. If I did not know, I became anxious, restless, nervous, worried, and grouchy. I experienced symptoms similar to those of a drug addict who needs a "fix"; the degree of severity was not the same, but the symptoms were.

People who worry excessively clearly show they trust themselves, and not G.o.d, to solve their problems.

At the time, I was a Christian and part of the "faith movement," meaning that I supposedly walked by faith. Yet in reality that was not true. I trusted Jesus for my salvation, but in many other areas I trusted myself to provide the answers I needed for daily life.

People who worry excessively clearly show they trust themselves, and not G.o.d, to solve their problems. Worry is a sin and should be repented of like any other sin.

In my case, there was always something going on either in my life, or in someone else's that I was "working on" or trying to reason out. I thought of various answers that seemed to make sense, and for a time they comforted me; but things did not usually turn out the way I had figured they would. I recall the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart and saying: "Joyce, you think you have life all figured out. You think you know what I am going to do, and how I am going to do it. But you really don't know much at all.

Joyce, you are not half as smart as you think you are."

The Bible tells us not to be wise in our own eyes (See Proverbs 3:7). In other words, "Don't even think you are intelligent enough to run your own life and have answers for everything."

O Lord [pleads Jeremiah in the name of the people], I know that [the determination of] the way of a man is not in himself; it is not in man [even in a strong man or in a man at his best] to direct his [own] steps. (Jeremiah 10:23) Life would be so much easier if we would believe G.o.d's Word and act accordingly, but most of us have to find out what works and what does not the hard way. His Word says we don't have it in us to run our own lives, but we still try.

I didn't enjoy peace because of my reasoning, but I had done it for so long I did not know any other way to live. That is the way addicts are. They don't like their life, but at the same time they can't face having it any other way. They hate it, but they need it.

When I was growing up, I had to take care of myself from an early age. My parents provided housing, clothing, and things like that, but I felt I was being used rather than loved. I didn't trust anyone, because the people who said they loved me abused me and disappointed me. My father abused me, and my mother abandoned me. She didn't physically leave the home, but she pretended she did not know what was happening to me, when in reality she knew quite well. She was unable to take action to help me because of fear; she was afraid of the scandal a child abuse case might cause. The rejection and abandonment I experienced in my childhood was the root of my approval addiction. I had a deep sense of being flawed, and since I didn't approve of myself, I was afraid no one else approved of me either.

As a child, I never felt safe. I did not feel I could express a need or a desire and expect my parents to meet it. I did not want to ask for anything, especially from my father, because there was always a price to pay. I developed a habit of looking ahead mentally, always trying to stay one step ahead of being needy. I didn't want to need anyone. I determined to take care of myself, which is a huge job for a child. I even determined to take care of others, especially my mother. She did not seem to be able to take care of me and protect me, so I became the "rescuer" in the family. I grew up with a false sense of responsibility. Even today, I must resist the temptation to feel responsible for things other people should be taking care of themselves.

I also became addicted to the need to be in control. I was afraid to let others make any decisions, because I had no confidence they would be concerned for me. I was accustomed to being used. Once I got away from home and could run my own life, I determined that I would never get hurt again. I promised myself, "n.o.body will ever take advantage of me again; n.o.body is going to tell me what to do."

I became rebellious toward authority, especially male authority. I wasn't meana"I was afraid! If I was not in control, I became frantic, trying to manipulate circ.u.mstances in such a way that I would always get what I wanted.

There are endless addictions, but let us now discuss "approval addiction."

THE NEED FOR APPROVAL.

When we base our self-worth on how people treat us, or on what we believe they think about us, it causes us to become addicted to their approval. We do not have to be approved of by certain individuals in order to feel good about ourselves. When we think we do, we have a false belief that will open the door for a great deal of misery in our lives. We may spend a lot of time and effort trying to please people and gain their approval. But then, if it takes only one glance of disapproval or one unappreciative word to ruin our sense of self-worth, we are in bondage. No matter how hard we work to please people and gain their acceptance, there will always be someone who disapproves of us.

In Galatians chapter 4, the Bible speaks about two covenants, describing two ways in which we can live. Let's take a look at them.

The first way we can choose to live is by works of our own flesh. We can take care of ourselves, make our own plans, and struggle to make things happen our way, in our timing. It is the natural way, the normal way that most people live. It is a way that produces every kind of misery. We struggle, get frustrated, fail, and end up weary and worn out most of the time. We are confused, defeated, and have no peace or joy.

2. THROUGH FAITH.

The second way we can live is supernaturally, by the power of G.o.d. We can live by faith, trusting G.o.d to do what needs to be done in our lives. This way is described in the Bible as a "new and living way" (See Hebrews 10:20), which we will examine later in this book. This new way produces peace, joy, ease, and success.

Either we can try to gain acceptance from people the world's way, or we can choose G.o.d's way.

SUPERNATURAL FAVOR.

When a man's ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him. (Proverbs 16:7) G.o.d will give us favor with people if we ask Him to do so and put our trust in Him. He can cause even our enemies to be at peace with us.

When I first began preaching, I of course wanted people to like and accept me, and I still do. At that time I did not know much about trusting G.o.d for supernatural favor, so I felt a lot of pressure to do all the right things in the hope people would accept me and approve of me.

The problem with that type of mind-set is that everyone expects something different, and no matter how hard we try, we cannot please all of the people all the time. Some people felt my conferences were too long, while others wanted me to spend even more time preaching to them. Some thought the music was too loud, while others wanted it louder. Most of the people who attended loved my preaching style, but occasionally someone would be offended by my straightforward approach and send me a letter of correction. Any disapproval would literally make me almost sick with worry and feelings of rejectiona"until I learned to trust G.o.d rather than trying to "earn" acceptance.

In the earlier years of my life, before I allowed G.o.d to do a work in me, I did a lot of pretending. Whatever I thought people wanted me to be, that was what I tried to be. I wore many masks, trying to be accepted by everyone.

This type of behavior can become a real problem if it is not addressed and changed. G.o.d will never help us be anyone other than ourselves.

In The Mask Behind the Mask, biographer Peter Evans says that actor Peter Sellers played so many roles he sometimes was not sure of his own ident.i.ty.1 In other words, Sellers played so many parts that he forgot who he was. I can remember crying out to G.o.d in frustration one day saying, "I don't know who I am or how I am supposed to act." At times I felt like a vending machine. Everyone who came near pushed a different b.u.t.ton, expecting a different thing. My husband wanted a good, adoring, submissive wife. My children wanted an attentive mother. My parents and aunt, who are all elderly and dependent on me, wanted my attention. The call on my life demanded many things. The people I ministered to wanted me to be available for them whenever they felt they needed me. I said yes to everything until I finally became sick from stress and realized that if I did not learn to say no, I was in for serious health issues. I wanted everyone to love me and accept me, I desperately wanted their approval, but I was trying to get it the wrong way.

The Lord told me that He would give me favor with people if I would pray for them and trust Him. G.o.d can cause people to accept and like us who would normally despise us. The Bible says He changes the hearts of men the way He changes the watercourses (See Proverbs 21:1). If G.o.d can make a river flow in a specific direction, surely He can change someone's heart toward us. We wear ourselves out trying to do what only G.o.d can do.

G.o.d can and will open the right doors for you and give you favor with the right people at the right time.

G.o.d can and will open the right doors for you and give you favor with the right people at the right time. For example, G.o.d can get you a job that would be far better than anything you could ever get for yourself. Actually, G.o.d got me a job I was not even qualified to do, and then enabled me to do it. I worked in a business as a general manager and handled things most people would need a college degree and many years of experience in order to do. At the time I had neither, but G.o.d was on my side. We can have favor with G.o.d, and He will give us favor with man.

I trust G.o.d for favor. When G.o.d favors us, He gives us things and does things for us that we do not deserve in the natural. Actually, the job I do now is one I don't deserve and am not naturally qualified for, but one that G.o.d daily enables me to do. Jesus said the anointing of the Holy Spirit qualified Him for what He did (See Luke 4:18-19), and it is the same thing that qualifies me for what I do. G.o.d has selected and chosen me for this job. He has anointed me.

He wants to do the same thing for all of His children, if they will let Him. Remember, G.o.d begins where we end. Stop struggling, trying to make things happen according to your desires, and ask G.o.d to take the driver's seat in your life.

As long as we try to make things happen by the works of our flesh, G.o.d will stand back and wait for us to wear ourselves out. Eventually we will do just that, and hopefully at that time we will call upon the Lord.

WE CAN'T PLEASE ALL THE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME Any of us who intend to do very much in life will have to accept the fact that there will be times when we will not receive approval from everyone. The need to be popular will steal our destiny. I deal with and minister to a wide variety of people. There is no way humanly possible that I can please all of them all the time. We have more than five hundred employees at Joyce Meyer Ministries. We almost never make one decision that suits all of them.

The need to be popular will steal our destiny.

The Bible says Jesus made Himself of no reputation (See Philippians 2:7 KJV). That is a significant statement. He was not well thought of by many people, but His heavenly Father approved of Him and what He was doing, and that was all that really mattered to Him. As long as you and I have G.o.d's approval, we have what we need most. The apostle Paul said that if he had been trying to be popular with people, he would not have been a servant of the Lord Jesus Christ (See Galatians 1:10). Paul was saying that needing people's approval in an unbalanced way can steal our destiny. We cannot always be G.o.d-pleasers and people-pleasers at the same time.

Pray for favor. Confess that you have favor with G.o.d and that He gives you favor with man. Before embarking on any business venture, ask for favor. When you meet new people, ask for favor. I even ask G.o.d for favor before going into a restaurant. He can get me the best seat in the house, the best waiter, the best service, and the best food. The Bible says in James 4:2, "You do not have, because you do not ask." Start asking for favor regularly, and you will be amazed at the acceptance and blessings that come your way. You will have so many friends you will have to pray about which invitations to take or decline.

We cannot always be G.o.d-pleasers and people-pleasers at the same time.

Develop your faith in the area of favor. Live expecting it all the time. Remember, you cannot please all the people all the time, but G.o.d can give you favor. Trust Him to choose your friends, to open the right doors, and to close the wrong ones. Ask the Lord for "divine connections," friendships that will be perfect for you. G.o.d can connect you with people that will add to your life rather than taking away from it.

Even though G.o.d gives you favor, you will still encounter times when certain people won't approve of you. Strive to please G.o.d, and let Him deal with the people.

BONDAGE OR FREEDOM.

As I have mentioned, there are two ways to live. We can live by grace, which is by G.o.d's favor and help, or we can live by works, which is by our own efforts, trying to do G.o.d's job. One way produces bondage, the other freedom.

Here are some examples. There are two kinds of righteousness: one that we try to earn by our own perfect record of good works, and one that G.o.d gives us through our faith in Jesus Christ.

There are two kinds of love we can have: the love we try to earn and deserve, and the love we receive as a free gift from G.o.d.

There are two kinds of love we can give: First is the plain, ordinary kind that people must deserve and earn; when we feel they don't deserve our love, we withhold it. We can also give the love of G.o.d, which He has given us. We can let His love flow through us. G.o.d's love is an unconditional love. We can receive it from Him and give it away to others.

There are two ways to prosper in life: trying to make our own way and struggling according to the world's system, or doing what G.o.d says by t.i.thing all your increase and giving offerings as G.o.d leads. When we choose to honor G.o.d with our t.i.thes and offerings, He always meets our needs.

There are two ways to promotion: We can try to promote ourselves, always seeking ways to push ourselves forward, or we can trust G.o.d to promote us and give us favor.

There are two types of approval: one is from people, and the other is from G.o.d. We want people to approve of us, but if we become addicted to their approval, if we have to have it and are ready to do whatever they demand to get it, we lose our freedom. If we trust G.o.d for approval, we are freed from the addiction of approval.

BOUNDARIES AND BALANCE OR BURNOUT.

Those who are addicted to approval frequently get "burned out." For them there always exists the danger of attempting too much. They so desperately want to please that they do everything they feel is expected of them and then some. They may be committed to being "nice." Sometimes they say yes just because they cannot say no, not because they think their actions are the will of G.o.d. They burn out for lack of discernment or because of unwarranted guilt. And so, also, their anger builds.

We become angry when we feel all used up and pulled in every direction. Burnout makes us angry because we recognize deep down inside that it is not normal. We become angry with the people pressuring us, when in reality we are allowing ourselves to be pressured. To avoid pressure from others and from ourselves, we must take control of our lives under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Once when I was complaining about my heavy schedule, I heard the Holy Spirit say, "Joyce, you are the one who makes your schedule; if you don't like it, then do something about it."

Frequently we complain and live silently angry lives while at the same time continuing to do the very things that make us angry. It is true people should not pressure us, but it is equally true we should not allow ourselves to come under pressure. We cannot blame others for what is ultimately our own responsibility.

Normal Christian life should be lived within the boundaries of balanced living. Once a person has a serious case of burnout, it is not easy to fix. None of us, not even those of us "called by G.o.d," can break His natural laws without paying the penalty. Even though we may work for G.o.d, we cannot live without limits. Jesus rested. He walked away from the demands of the crowds and took time for renewal.

Many of G.o.d's most precious and well-known saints have suffered from weariness and burnout with a tendency toward depression. We must learn that not all of our problems are spiritual; some of them are physical. We often blame the devil for things that are our own fault. We must learn to say no and not fear the loss of relationships. I have come to the conclusion that if I lose a relationship because I tell someone no, then I really never had a true relationship at all.

RELATIONSHIPS.

Relationships are an important part of life. G.o.d desires that we have enjoyable, healthy ones. A relationship is not healthy if one person is in control while the other struggles for approval, gaining it by being ready to do anything the other party wants, no matter what it is or how that individual feels about it personally. If we have to sin against our own consciences in order to have someone's approval, we are out of the will of G.o.d.

I have mentioned that you can buy friends by letting them control you, but you will have to keep them the same way you obtained them. Eventually you will get tired of having no freedom. It is actually better to be lonely than to be manipulated and controlled.

Be careful how you get started in a new relationship.

What you allow in the beginning will come to be expected. When we enter business arrangements with new people we have not worked with before, Dave always sets boundaries. If we get a job or product back that is inferior in any way, he immediately lets them know that we expect excellence. If they start out being late for appointments and not calling, he lets them know that type of behavior is not acceptable. There have been times when I have thought he was being a little too hard on them, but he always says, "If we don't establish from the beginning what we expect, we will be taken advantage of later."

You can buy friends by letting them control you, but you will have to keep them the same way you obtained them.

Just remember that what you allow in the beginning of a relationship should be what you can be happy with permanently. Let people know by your actions that even though you would like their approval, you can live without it if you have to. Respect others, and let them know that you expect them to show you respect also.

Sometimes people compromise in the early stages of a relationship in order to get something or someone they want. They think they can change the person later, but it doesn't always work that way. I know many women who have married unbelievers thinking they could convince them to love Jesus later. Most of them ended up spending their lives being miserable, "unequally yoked with unbelievers" (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Recently I was visiting a friend in Minnesota, and while I was there I met a woman who asked me to elaborate on the meaning of not being "unequally yoked with an unbeliever." She was dating a man who claimed to be a Christian but was not really committed to Christ. She herself had been raised in a Christian home and maintained an active, personal relationship with the Lord. Her father had been aggressively opposed to her continuing the relationship with this man, telling her she would be "unequally yoked."

When we are emotionally attached to someone, we must be very careful not to let our emotions override wisdom and drown out the voice of G.o.d. I simply told this woman that she would be making a mistake to marry the man hoping he would change later. If he was a Christian, then he needed to prove it by showing commitment to following a Christian lifestyle.

Many people say they are Christians but show no fruit of it. The Bible says, "You will know them by their fruit" (See Matthew 7:16). Many people mentally accept the existence of G.o.d, but that does not mean they are committed to serving Him. The world is actually full of people who believe in G.o.d but live in sin.

This woman shared with me that the man she was dating was beginning to go to church with her occasionally and she was hopeful that he would make a serious commitment. I told her to be sure he did so before she married him. I told her not to compromise in the beginning of the relationship, but to be very clear about her expectations.

Wisdom always chooses now what it will be happy with later on. Don't live like there is no tomorrow, because tomorrow always comes.

When we choose the people with whom we think we want to be in relationshipa"whether work related or personala" we often find later that our choices were not very wise. Ask G.o.d to give you "divine connections." He may choose relationships for you that you would never have chosen because you have preconceived ideas about what you want. Learn to look beyond the exterior of people and see their heart. Someone may look good outwardly and be a nightmare to be in relationship with. Another person may not appeal to you at first glance, and yet when you get to know that individual, he or she may turn out to be the best friend you ever had.

Don't live like there is no tomorrow, because tomorrow always comes.

I was insecure and always wanted to be friends with the "popular people," but quite often I ended up getting hurt.

I sought the approval of such people because I was filled with insecurity.