An Inconvenient Trilogy Part 15

Elizabeth looked at him in wonder, "Would you be upset?"

"Yes, but you don't understand, there are reasons, no, there is a reason that I can't and won't declare my feelings," Michael insisted. "But I've been wrong, you deserve an explanation. Be warned, you will most certainly want me to leave and never to return when you hear my secret."

Chapter 21.

Elizabeth sat and took a steadying breath. When the evening had started, she had certainly not for one moment thought that by the end of it she would have confessed her feelings to Michael. She must be in a truly weakened state if she had resorted to such desperate measures.

She had taken a huge risk by speaking about her feelings in such a way, it just was not done by any respectable lady. Michael had not seemed shocked; he had not reacted by leaving her, which she would have deserved if he had. He had stayed and was going to explain his feelings, hopefully, offering some clarification of the confusing signals he had been giving her these last few months.

She should feel shame at being so forward. If anyone found out that she had declared herself, she would certainly be cast out from civilised society, connections to a Lord or not. This went above and beyond the slightly eccentric behaviour of wearing breeches while working the land. Michael had of course taken it in his stride, just has he had everything else she had faced him with, which only helped to increase her affection.

Michael had turned away from Elizabeth and rested his arm on the mantelpiece. After the incident with George he had been convinced they could work everything out with regards to his family history and he had been determined to declare himself to her. Only the reminder that Lord Halkyn was vying for her attention had made him pause. Of course once he had the time to reflect, the reality of his situation had sunk in. He could never ask her to marry him; he was not the man she thought he was. Her words had stunned him. To hear her voice her feelings, was something totally different to just skirting around the subject. She deserved to know the truth.

He took a deep breath and turned to face her. "I care about you more than I care for any other woman, Elizabeth," he started, but sighed when he saw her eyes light up with hope. "Before you think you will get the ending I think you want, you'd better wait until I've finished what I've got to say."

"I'm listening." Elizabeth said, her eyes not straying from his.

"I did feel responsible for you as my ward," Michael said, but then lifted up his hand to stop Elizabeth from speaking. "If you are going to insist on commenting on everything I say, it is going to be a long night."

Elizabeth flushed a little, "I shall try to sit and listen. Pray continue."

Michael smiled slightly; she never promised what she knew she could not deliver. "As I was saying, I did feel responsible for you, but that did not stop my feelings developing. If a guardian and ward marry, there is always some scandal, and I truly did not want to put you through anything that would upset you."

Elizabeth snorted in disgust, "As if I would let a bit of gossip stand in the way of my happiness!" She saw the look on Michael's face and smiled, looking bashful, "Sorry, I will be quiet."

"Somehow, I'm struggling to believe you," Michael said, raising his eyes to the heavens, as if looking for strength. "Anyway, I did not set out to feel the way I did; I didn't want anything to do with the guardianship."

"I know, you made that perfectly clear." Elizabeth muttered quietly.

"I can hear you," Michael retorted, but he had given up trying to get her to be quiet. "It very soon became apparent that you were completely different to what I had expected. I went from not wanting anything to do with the guardianship, to wanting you to always be around. I should have sent you away as soon as I knew you were a danger to my well-ordered life. I fought my feelings, but I couldn't resist you."

"You didn't give that me that impression." Elizabeth said, thinking over the last few months and the times she had felt rejected by him.

Michael knelt before her, taking her hands in his. "Could you not see you were driving me insane? Every time I received another proposal for your hand I wanted to call the man out and make sure he never came within ten miles of you again. It was a torture, being near you, wanting you and knowing I could never have you."

Elizabeth squeezed his hands and leant towards him. "I wish you had told me. No one could compare to you in my eyes. Neither of us would have suffered because of the gossip. We have enough disregard for society for their t.i.ttle-tattle to not affect us."

Michael stood again, putting vital distance between them. He could only think clearly when she was not so close. "If it was just that, we would have been together a long time ago. When Miranda and George tried to ruin you, that was the worst day of my life. I selfishly decided that it didn't matter what the future held, we had to be together. I was going to declare myself to you."

"What prevented you?" Elizabeth asked. Her mind was swirling. If only she had known, surely there would have been something she could have done.

"Reality returned and reminded me that I had no right to put you through that future." Michael responded dully. He did not mention Halkyn, he was an unnecessary part of the conversation now.

"Michael, I really don't know what you are referring to." Elizabeth said confused.

Michael sighed. "I am not the man you thought I was. In time, I have no idea when, I will go mad."

"I will go mad too, if you don't stop talking in riddles," Elizabeth said, a little exasperated.

"Elizabeth, my father was mad. He had something wrong with his mind. I cannot guarantee that at some time in the future it will not develop in me, and I will need to have constant care, for my own safety."

Elizabeth had flushed when she realised that Michael had been serious about the madness and not just using it as a turn of phrase. She paused and let his words sink in before speaking. "What type of madness was it?" she asked.

"I don't know, no one ever spoke about it. He spent most of his time in the country, that prevented him from being sent away to an asylum, but towards the end it was very difficult. His behaviour became more erratic. We tried to maintain an air of respectability, tried to gloss over what was really happening. The reality was we had to employ a team of people in order to try and keep him and everyone around him safe."

"You poor thing, what a strain it must have put on you all." Elizabeth responded compa.s.sionately.

Michael smiled, "I didn't really suffer because of it. I think Uncle Michael, the then Lord Dunham supported my mother financially to enable her to provide the best care. He certainly looked after his brother until the end. I was loved by my mother and Violet, they made sure I grew up in a loving, secure environment. When I was younger, it didn't really affect me, it was only with age that the reality sank in. The implications of his illness were reinforced by the deterioration of his condition."

"I'm glad your mother and Violet were able to shield you from some of it while you were young." Elizabeth said firmly, feeling protective of the young Michael.

"The past is irrelevant now, though I fear that I have a bleak future to look forward to." Michael said seriously.

"Have you been told you have the same illness?" Elizabeth asked; concerned for the man she loved.

"No, but I'm sure you know as well as I do, that it can reappear through the generations in families. I have certainly seen it enough times for it to be too much of a coincidence. Any decisions I make for my future, I have to do so with the knowledge that it is very likely that I will suffer the same illness as my father."

"But Violet is fine, and she is older than you!" Elizabeth insisted, not wanting to believe that her perfect man could potentially suffer such a horrific future.

"She is, for now. Perhaps it just manifests itself down the male line, I don't know. As I said, no one spoke about it, but I cannot, I will not enter into anything that will put you at risk." Michael said with determination. "I was reacting to my selfish feelings when I thought that it could work. It can't."

"Do I not get a choice in this?" Elizabeth asked tartly.

"No." came the unyielding response.

Elizabeth sat and thought for a few moments to gather her thoughts. He truly believed that he was going to suffer the same fate that his father had. She was not sure that she could argue against such set ideas, but she was going to try. "Michael, I'm sure you will argue against me, but we take risks with everything we do in life. I've taken a huge risk taking on this estate and trying to make it work."

"It is slightly different when there is a chance of success or failure, when the risks are worth taking. In this instance, I know it isn't a risk, it's a certainty."

"You don't know that for sure," Elizabeth insisted. "Michael we could have met and become engaged and I may have become ill, and you would have stood by me. Why would you think I would be any different?"

"I don't," Michael said, with a slight smile. "In fact, I'm sure you wouldn't, but don't you see that's the point? I don't want to put you through what I can only imagine my mother went through."

"She must have been happy to some extent, or you wouldn't have the happy memories of childhood." Elizabeth countered.

"Yes, but she didn't have the full life she should have had. I don't want you to settle for second best Elizabeth. You are the most vibrant person I know, I will not be responsible for stifling that spirit."

Elizabeth stood up, and walked over to where Michael was standing. She put her hands on his chest, for the second time that evening she was being forward. "Any time with you would be enough to make me happy for the rest of my life. I could die in childbirth, but I would take that risk to have whatever time I could with you, that is how much I want to be with you," she said quietly.

Michael closed his eyes, almost in physical pain. He moved his hands to cover hers and for a moment he pressed them into his chest, as if he could force them through the material. He eventually looked at her, at the same time as removing her hands. "I could never inflict on my children the fear that I have about my future. If I agreed to being foolish and risking our future I could never agree to risk theirs, and if we were together, there would be children. I'm sorry Elizabeth, I can't do it. I am selfish enough to want a full life and if I can't have that, then half a life is not good enough."

Tears sprang into Elizabeth's eyes, not because he was refusing to be with her, but at the thought that she would never have his children. "I disagree with you, but I realise your mind is set and for me to try and beg for affection is something I will never do."

Michael was reminded of how time and time again Elizabeth had been rejected and cursed his heritage. "Elizabeth, you may not believe the strength of my feelings, but maybe one day you will. All I can say is that from the bottom of my heart I wish that I could be the man you deserve, and give you the life that would make you truly happy. You are the only woman that could make me want to marry, but I realise that is little consolation. If you do not wish to see me again I will understand."

Elizabeth looked at him; she did believe him, but was not ready to give up the fight quite yet. She would not continue tonight, his mind was made up, but she was sure with time she would think of a way to overcome his stubbornness. She had to take her time and think everything through. She understood his concerns and fears, but thought that he was placing too much conviction on the illness being pa.s.sed down. For now she would respect that.

"I do want to see you again. I am offended that you would think me so fickle!" she said with mock anger.

"I do not believe you are fickle at all, but I could understand it if, after what I've said and done, you had had enough." Michael said with a rueful smile.

"I think we've both had enough for tonight. I'm feeling tired and there is still plenty of work to do. Should I expect you early in the morning for a horse ride, before the real work starts?"

Michael took her hand and kissed it. "If you promise to eat well and not work too hard, I shall see you in the morning." He smiled at her as he left the room, leaving Elizabeth to ponder over the evening's events.

Chapter 22.

Elizabeth awoke refreshed for the first time in a long time, yet knowing that she had a task to do, and that she would have to be patient. It had been during the early hours of the morning that her plan had come together, and she knew that in reality it was the only thing she could do. She dressed, looking forward to seeing Michael. Until she got the response she wished for, she could believe that hope was not completely lost.

Michael came into the morning room with Charles. "I thought Charles might be a useful addition if you wanted an extra pair of hands today."

"I would never turn down an extra worker, and you are both very welcome. Would you like a cup of tea before we start?"

Michael sat next to Miss Fairfield and Charles sat next to Elizabeth, completing the circle on the small breakfast table. "I'm glad to see my ward is looking healthy this morning and what's more, is eating." Michael said to Miss Fairfield.

"Yes, my Lord, I am glad to see one person can influence my mistress." came the smiling response.

Elizabeth spluttered and choked on her tea. "I am not a child; and am not your ward any more. I just didn't eat because I didn't have time."

"Perhaps you need more help with extra staff?" Charles asked, with a pointed look at Miss Fairfield.

Elizabeth saw her loyal member of staff stiffen with indignation. Something had obviously occurred between Martha and Charles that a real dislike had developed, but she had to come to the defence of her faithful companion. "I wore myself out on the land, not the house. Martha is so efficient; I have nothing to do at all on the house."

Charles looked disgruntled with her answer, but at least Miss Fairfield looked smug. Michael intervened before any other comments could be made. "If you want to put us both to work, can I suggest we have a shorter ride than was planned?"

The party was broken up, and Miss Fairfield left the group. Charles was asked to look over some papers by Elizabeth and settled into the library to work until the pair returned. Michael and Elizabeth set out for their ride. They both enjoyed the first burst of energy from the horses, before settling into a more sedate pace.

Elizabeth did not want to start talking about the previous night again, so raised the subject of their staff. "Why do Charles and Martha seem to dislike each other? Have you any ideas?"

Michael smiled. "I was wondering the same thing myself. I have no idea, but they do seem to want to cause each other discomfort, perhaps it is some sort of rivalry?"

"Maybe," Elizabeth mused. "It is out of character for Martha though, she is usually so placid."

"So is Charles, I can count on one hand the amount of times I have seen him annoyed. Two of them have been when he was dealing with Miss Fairfield. Apart from separating our squabbling staff, what shall we be doing today?"

Elizabeth told him of her plans and they returned to the house. She excused herself for ten minutes, explaining that she had an urgent letter to write and sat down in private at her desk. She got out her writing paper and began to write the letter that would hopefully offer some explanation.

Dear Violet, I want to start this letter with an apology, I know that what I say must bring you some discomfort and I am sorry for it. I would never intentionally hurt you, but I hope you understand the reasons I am asking for your help.

Last night I did the most foolish thing I have ever done and ever will do, I declared my feelings for Michael, to Michael! Can you believe that? I think you have had a suspicion for some time of my feelings for your brother and I appreciate that you did not press me on the subject. Unfortunately his return into my life and a comment I had made to one of my staff led Michael to ask some uncomfortable questions. In order to be honest with him, I made a fool of myself and told him of my feelings.

I did not receive quite what I wanted, although Michael did convince me that he cares deeply about me. There is a problem though that is preventing Michael from acting on his emotions, now or in the future and this part is where I know it can only cause you pain. He has explained about the madness that your father suffered from and the effect it has had on him. He does not want to marry me or anyone, because of the risk of madness in his future. He particularly does not want children, which he said was because he did not want them growing up in fear of madness, the way he had.

Violet, please believe me when I say that I would take the risk of being with Michael for one month, one year, any amount of time, because to me it would be worth it. I realise though that no matter what I say to try and convince him, I will not remove his fear.

Can you offer me any advice? Michael said he does not know what the illness was or what caused it. Do you have any idea? He said it was not spoken of, but I am hoping that with you being the elder, you may have overheard something that may offer some explanation. I am prepared to visit every doctor in the land if there is a solution, but I need more information.

Please write back as soon as you can, I am not sure how long Michael intends to stay, and once he is gone, I have the feeling he will not return for any reason.

Yours affectionately, Elizabeth Elizabeth sealed and addressed the letter and sought out Smithson, with strict instructions that the letter had to go immediately. She took a deep breath, there was nothing else she could do, Violet was her only hope. She had to concentrate on her estate until she received a response; she had to try and be patient.

During the following week Elizabeth had to force herself to carry out her work. She had not intended Michael coming back to Yorkshire; her fainting had not been contrived or planned in any way. The problem was though, once she was back in his company, she realised just how much she had missed him. Had it only been two weeks since she had last seen him? It had felt like years, but she could not allow herself to hope, only to enjoy his company. Every day she waited for a response from Violet, even though it was probably too soon. Michael still did not know that she had sent the letter. He would be angry if she told him, no matter what her reasoning was. He had never said how long he was going to stay, and she knew it would not be forever. She had to just hope that he would not leave her just yet, and trained herself to appreciate every moment she had with him.

She had only had a return of the dizziness once since his visit. It had happened on the second day and was probably just that she was not quite up to strength. It had happened during the evening and she had found herself once again in Michael's arms and being carried to her bed chamber. Afterwards she had wished that he would do that because for reasons other than illness, or affliction, but she had also blushed at her shameless thoughts.

One afternoon in the second week of his visit, they were working in her study. Elizabeth could never fully concentrate on work while Michael was around. She had been able to do it the last time they were in Yorkshire together, but perhaps it was because once this visit came to an end, she truly did not know when she would see him next. He had made it perfectly clear that they would not be together as man and wife. In fact, he had been the perfect gentleman during his visit, which was frustrating her. She was not a woman without morals, but being the only two in the house for most of the day, made her long to be able to touch him. Unfortunately, he was keeping her at a distance, never putting himself in the position that they might even brush each other by accident.

Although she did not want to hear about him being with other women, she decided to ask him about his life in London since she had left. "What exciting parties have you been attending since my return to Yorkshire?" She asked and was surprised when he flushed a little.

"I've been concentrating on business." Michael muttered, not wanting Elizabeth to probe.

"What, all the time? There must have been some amus.e.m.e.nts that you attended, the number of invitations that Violet received every day used to terrify me." Elizabeth persisted.

"Not really." Michael said with a shrug.

Elizabeth looked at him with suspicion. "You mean to tell me you haven't been out in Society at all?" She asked with disbelief.

"Why do you want to know?" Michael demanded, becoming slightly defensive at the probing. "Are my social engagements so important?"

"I didn't really, I was just making conversation. Your response has been such that I am now filled with curiosity and am desperate to know more. Is there a woman involved?" She teased, not really believing that there was. It was not that she was confident of his attachment to her, but if he would not risk a relationship with her, surely he would not encourage anyone else? That was her hope anyway.

Michael put down his fountain pen and leaned back in his chair. "You are enjoying my torment aren't you?"

"A little," came the quick response. "But you still haven't answered my question."

Michael looked at her across the desk. She still looked pale and too thin, but her eyes held more of her usual sparkle. A pity it was at his expense, he thought to himself. He decided to give her some of her own medicine. "I've been preoccupied." he said.

"What with?" Elizabeth asked.

"Fine, there is a woman involved." he said shrugging in defeat.

Elizabeth paled slightly, but tried to maintain her smile, although it didn't quite meet her eyes. "Do I know her?" She asked quietly.

Michael stood and quickly moved around the desk at the change in Elizabeth's colour. "Elizabeth, I'm sorry, it was a joke. A bad one, but a joke."