Amusing Prose Chap Books Part 22

And be sure, if he is jealous of thee thou mayest well be so of him; for evil people and thieves think ill of each other. But hold a little, one thing more I have to say to you, and that is, to take notice of thy sweethearts when they come a-wooing to thee, I mean of their civil behaviour; for if they swear, vow, and make great protestations, then have a care of thyself, for many words breed dissimulation; therefore have a care of such: but if a man come to thee that is sober and civil behaved, there are hopes of his proving a good man." "Now, mother, I will take my leave of you, giving you many thanks for your good advice; and so, farewell, till I see you again, and I intend to take this counsel."

Another time Mother Bunch was in a little meadow, not far from her house, on the 30th of April, before sunrising. A handsome maid, seeing her alone, came to her, and said, "Mother Bunch, good morrow, how do you do? Pray, what makes you abroad so early in the morning? You seem to be in a deep study." "Daughter, you say very true; I am studying who shall be my next husband, and if thou wilt but please to stay a little while, thou shalt see a pretty art, which thou never saw before, to teach you how to know your sweetheart." "This is a pretty art indeed, and I should be glad to know it."

"Hark! hark! daughter, is not yonder the cuckoo singing?" "Yes, yes, and I have not heard her sing this year before now." "Then, daughter, sit down by me, but hold, Are you fasting?" "Yes." "But has no man kissed you?" "No." Then sit thee down by me. "I think the cuckoo is mad, what a life she leads; I think she is a witch; but no matter: put off thy right shoe and stocking, and let me look between thy great toe and the next: Now, daughter, see, this hair is a long one; look well at it, and tell me what colour it is." "I think it is really yellow." "The same colour will thy husband's hair be." "But, Mother Bunch, I do not matter the colour so much as the condition." "I will tell you his condition: he may prove surly enough, and perhaps make you do as you did not imagine: you must give him good words, and give him good for evil." "Mother Bunch, you make me smile, you talk so merrily." "Come, daughter, it is no great matter; merry talk does no harm, but drives the time away. But hark!

daughter, I have had three husbands myself, and I think to have another; and do you think I am so mad to tell him all I do? Then, my daughter, I have another way to tell you who must be your husband; I have proved it true; and it is the best time of the year to try it, therefore, observe what I say: Take a St. Thomas' onion, pare it, and lay it on a clean handkerchief under your pillow; and as you lie down, say these words--

Good St. Thomas, do me right, And bring my love in dreams this night, That I may view him in the face.

"Then go to sleep as soon as you can, and in your first sleep you shall dream of him who is to be your husband. This I have tried, and it has proved true. Yet I have another pretty way for a maid to know her sweetheart, which is as follows: Take a summer apple of the best fruit, stick pins close into the apple, to the head, and as you stick them take notice which of them is the middlemost, and give it what name you fancy; put it into thy left hand glove, and lay it under thy pillow on Sat.u.r.day night; after thou gettest into bed, then clap thy hands together, and say these words--

If thou be he that must have me To be thy wedded bride, Make no delay, but come away, In dream to my bedside.

"And in thy sleep thou shalt see him, and be not afraid, for it is a sign he will prove a good husband. And this is a good way for a young man to know his sweetheart, giving the middlemost pin the name he fancies best, putting the apple in his right hand glove, and laying it under his pillow when he is in bed, saying--

If thou be she that must have me In wedlock for to join, Make no delay, but come away So I may dream of mine.

"And that night he may see her, and if she come it is a sign she will prove a good wife. And now, daughter, the time pa.s.ses away, and I must be gone, and so bid you farewell." "Mother Bunch, I give you many thanks for your good counsel, and intend to take your advice."

Upon a time, Mother Bunch, being at a wedding, where young men and maids were met, who had a mind for some discourse with her, one young man said, "Mother Bunch, we know you are a woman that has a judgment in many things, I pray, tell my fortune." "I cannot tell fortunes," said she, "but thou blinkest too much with one eye to be true to one woman." "Aye, but, mother," says another, "what think you of me?" "Thou mayest come to marry a lady, if thou canst but lay a great wager with her, three to one; and if she wagers with thee, thou wilt be very likely to win, for thou hast mettle in thee; but have a care she win not the odds, if she does thou art clean gone. So farewell."

Now Mother Bunch took her leave; and going home, she met a maid going to a wedding. "How do you do, mother?" "Thank you, daughter, whither are you going?" "To the wedding, I believe; but hark you, mother, will you sit down a little, I have something to say to you." "What is it, daughter?" "When shall I be married?" "Would you fain be married?" "Yes, mother, if I could get a good husband." "Then, daughter, I will tell you the best I can, if you will take my advice. In the month of January are many dangerous days for thee to take notice of; these are the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth: there are a great many more; but if thou marriest on these days, thy husband will cuckold thee, or thou wilt make him one, or else you will soon be parted by one means or other; but for all there be so many bad days in this month I can tell you of one day which is lucky, and many young men and maids have a deal of heart's ease on that day, or the day after, as I shall let you understand; it is the 21st, called St. Agnes' day. This St. Agnes has a great favour for young men and maids, and will bring their sweethearts, if they follow my rules: Upon this day you must be sure to keep a fast, and neither eat nor drink all that day, nor at night; neither let man, woman, nor child kiss thee on that day; and thou must be sure, when thou goest to bed, to say--

Now, St. Agnes, play thy part, And send to me my own sweetheart; And show me such a happy bliss, This night to dream of a sweet kiss.

"And be sure to fall asleep as soon as you can, and before you awake out of your first sleep, you shall see him come before you, and shall perceive by his habit what tradesman he is; and be sure thou declare not thy dream unto any one in ten days, and by that time thou mayest see thy dream come to pa.s.s. All this I have proved three times; for I have had three husbands, and they all proved tradesmen. The first was a straw joiner, the second a louse-trap maker, and the third a gentle craft, and he came to me with his awl in his hand, and so I waked out of my dream; but I thought the time long till he came again; as all maids do that desire to be married. I know some maids would wait in order to have a husband with the best conditions, and endowed with the best qualifications; nay they would have impossibilities: but I am afraid they will make good the old proverb, that says--

'If you will not when you may, When you would you shall have nay.'

"Therefore, take my advice, if a young man comes to you of a civil carriage, and you think you can love him, be not scornful to him, but give him a civil encouragement, according to his behaviour."

And as to young men, my advice is, they be wary in their choice, since there is as much danger in choosing of a wife as a husband: wherefore, all young men, take my advice: choose not one with a long nose, a scolding brow, and thin lips, for in such there is great danger. He who is tied to a scold is tied to sorrow; choose not one who is counted a s.l.u.t, if she be a s.l.u.t, she is idle also, and these two companions will bring thee to poverty; nay, besides this, the old saying is, 'A s.l.u.t will poison the gout, and if you can't eat with her, you won't sleep with her.'

But this is the best way of choosing a wife: Take one for love, not for riches which fly away, for true love never varies; and where that is, the blessing of G.o.d is. If you desire to live a long life, be not overfond of riches, but choose a civil handsome maid, who is not given to pride: such a maid may make a fine wife. But she that brings a handsome fortune, will be always throwing it in your teeth, which often occasions great disturbances; therefore let this suffice for those who desire to get good wives; and take notice of what I have already said, and you may fare the better.

And as for young maids, this is my advice, if they will not try St.

Agnes, let them be sure to choose a clever, honest man, who is able to support them in comfort.

PART II.

On Michaelmas Day, Mother Bunch, sitting on the bank of a river, joining to a neighbouring grove, beheld the late flourishing branches in their decay, whose sapless leaves were falling to the earth, from which she began seriously to consider her own mortality; and since time had hurried on the winter of her age, and covered her aged head with snowy locks, she might expect, ere long, to fall, like the enfeebled leaves.

Therefore, she resolved, as she had been a kind friend to young men and maids, to give a further testimony of her regard before she left this world. For as her painful study and strict observation had made a large improvement in her stock of knowledge she would not have it buried in the grave with her, but leave it to posterity for the benefit of young men and maids, whereby they might learn to understand their good and bad fortunes, and by the directions of this book be thoroughly furnished with many secret rarities never before published to the world.

Accordingly, the next day she wrote letters of invitation to the young men and maids to repair to her house on St. Luke's Day. The maids she appointed to meet in the morning, to be first instructed, and that for two reasons. First, as she herself was a woman, she would teach them first, lest the bachelors should be too hard for them before they had learned their lessons. Secondly, that young women should be first served in this, it being Horn Fair Day, many of the bachelors would be employed in the morning, in handing old citizens' young wives to the fair; and in the afternoon they might be at liberty. This was the determination of old Mother Bunch.

Now against the time appointed, old Mother Bunch decked up her house, neat and fine, and, getting up early in the morning, placed herself in the closet, where her treasure lay.

Now the first that entered the room was one Margery Loveman, a maltster's maid, who, with a low curtsey, said, "Good morrow, Mother Bunch, I am come to partake of your bounty; for I hear you have a second time opened your Golden Closet of Curiosities for the benefit of young lovers." "Yes, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "so I have, and thou shalt partake of the same. Here is infallible rules and directions to guide you in all manner of love intrigues; also, how to know what sort of man you shall marry, and whither he will prove loving or not."

"Dear mother, these are things I fain would know; for, believe me, I have many sweethearts, and I willingly choose the best, lest I should marry in haste and repent at leisure. 'Tis true, I have near a hundred and fifty pounds to my portion, the great noise of which has brought many sweethearts, for I have no less than five or six at this time; and, mother, I would fain know which of them comes for love of me, and which of them for money." "Daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "here is an experiment, if you will but try, it will make a clear discovery of the reality of their love. Let a report be spread that thou hast lately been robbed of all that thou hast, both money and apparel. Now, if after this, there is one of them that continues his love as before, you may be very certain that he is faithful; but, be sure that you keep this counsel to yourself, that the secret be not discovered." "I will take care of that, dear mother," quoth Margery, "and I heartily thank you for this kind and seasonable advice."

"Good morrow, daughter," she replied, "Young men are false, and must be tried."

She was no sooner gone, but in comes Mrs. Susan, a young sempstress from Salisbury, with sorrowful lamentation, weeping and wringing her hands.

"How now!" quoth good Mother Bunch; "what is the matter with you, daughter, that you go on at this rate?" "Alas! Mother Bunch," quoth Susan, "my--my--my--my--my--my!" "What my?" said Mother Bunch. Quoth sobbing Susan, "My sorrows are more than I am able to bear; for, mother, dear Frank the fiddler, my old love, and I are fallen out, and he swears he will not have me." "Come, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "be of good comfort, for I will put thee in an effectual way to find whither Frank the fiddler be really angry with thee or not; and if he be, I will teach thee infallibly how to obtain his favour again. 'She that is afraid of every gra.s.s, must not think to go in a meadow.' Let your angry love but alone for a season, and he will soon come to himself again; for I know that love is a puny darling, and wants very frequently to be humoured.

Therefore, let him alone, in time he will forget his anger, and return to thee again, if he has any principle, good nature, or loyal love in him; and if not, you had better be without him than during your whole life to be tied to so sour an apple tree. Remember the old proverb, 'Set thy stool in the sun; if a knave goes, an honest man may come.' I hope thou hast not been playing the wanton wagtail with him, hast thou?"

"No, indeed, dear Mother Bunch; but yet, I must needs confess that he fain would have played a lesson on my lute last market day, but I would not let him; and that was the cause of our falling out." "Sayest thou so, daughter? Why, then, I will tell thee, that since he found thou withstood his temptations, with so much resolution, take my word for it he will never forget thee." "Well, dear mother," quoth young Susan, "your words have been comfortable to me; and when I find the good effects, I will return and give you an account of it. And so farewell, dear mother, for the present."

"Right happy, daughter, may you be, In guarding your true purity."

The next that entered the room was Eliza, the miller's maid, who, after making a very low curtsey, and giving Mother Bunch the time of the day, desiring to know for what reason she sent her that letter? "Why," says the old woman, "to the end that I might reveal to you some secrets relating to love, which I have never discovered to the world." "But, dear Mother Bunch," quoth Margery, "I am a mere stranger to love, for I never in my life knew what it meant." "That may be," quoth Mother Bunch; "yet you know not how soon you may receive the arrows of Cupid, then you would be glad of some of my advice, for I know by myself, that the best woman of you all, at one time or other, has a desire to know what it is to be married." Quoth Margery, "You talk merrily, Mother Bunch." "Well, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "you may term it as you please; but I will appeal to your own conscience whether or no you would be glad, with all your heart, of a kind and loving husband."

"Dear Mother," quoth Margery, "you come quite close to the matter; and if I may be so free as to speak my own mind, I could willingly have such a one; for though house-keeping is said to be very chargeable often, yet, on the other hand, a married state is honourable." "Thou sayest well, daughter," quoth Mother Bunch, "and if thou hast a mind to see the man whom thou shalt marry, then follow strictly my directions, and you shall not fail of your desire. Let me see--this is St. Luke's Day, which I have found by long study to be of greater use to that purpose than that of the celebrated St. Agnes, which I formerly recommended you to; and the ingredients now to be used are of a quite different and finer quality, and far more excellent for performing the same.

"Now I would have you take some marigold flowers, a large sprig of sweet marjoram, a sprig of fresh thyme, and a small quant.i.ty of wormwood; dry these together before the fire, till you may rub them to a powder; then sift the same through a piece of fine lawn. This being done, take a small quant.i.ty of virgin honey, and right white wine vinegar, and simmer them together in a new earthen porringer, over a mild and gentle fire; all which being done, anoint your forehead and cheeks, and lips, likewise, with the same, just the moment you are lying down in your bed; always remembering to repeat these words three times--

St. Luke, St. Luke, be kind to me, And let me now my true love see.

"This said, hasten to sleep with all speed; then in the soft slumber of your night's repose the very man you are to marry shall appear before you walking to and fro near to your bedside, very plain and visible to be seen: you shall perfectly behold the colour of his hair, his visage, stature, and deportment. And if he be one that will prove faithful, he will approach you with a smile, and offer to salute you; which, when he does, do not seem to be overfond or peevishly froward, but receive the same with a becoming mild and modest smile. Now, if he be one that will, after marriage, forsake his house to wander after strange women, then will he offer to be rude and uncivil with thee, at which time thou shalt lift up thy hand to smite him; so doing, it will go well with thee, and thy guardian angel will keep thee ever safe. Daughter, these are rarities which I never before divulged. Do but put this in execution, and I am certain it will answer the desired effect." "I must needs thank you for your love," quoth Margery; "and so farewell, Mother Bunch."

"Good-bye, daughter," she replied.

"Let joy and pleasure crown your days, And a kind man your fortune raise."

The next that appeared was Kate, the cloth-worker's daughter; then Doll, the dairymaid; Joan, Bridget, Nancy, and Phillis, in number about forty together, each of them crying out with a loud voice, "Dear Mother Bunch, remember me." "O remember me," quoth another; and so did they all, till they made the poor old woman's ears deaf with the clamorous noise. "My dear daughters," quoth Mother Bunch, "sit you all down and be quiet, for there is never a one amongst you but will partake of my bounty.

Daughters, I will sit in the midst of you, where I shall read over a very interesting lecture. My real motive is to give you a full account of some rare and excellent curiosities, in my Golden Closet, newly broke open; declaring that it is my opinion that those things which are profitable to one maid may not be prejudicial, in any respect, to another, and this I shall begin. First, if any of you here desire to know the name of the man whom you shall marry, let her seek in the summer time for a green peasecod, in which there are nine pease; when you have done this, either write, or cause to be written, on a slip of paper, these words--

Come in, my dear, And never fear.

"Writing which, you must carefully close within the aforesaid peasecod, and lay the same under the threshold of the door, and then observe the next man that comes into the house; for you shall certainly be married to one of the same name.

"Secondly, she that desires to be satisfied whether she shall get the man desired or no, let her take two lemon-peels in the morning, and wear them all the day under her arm-pit, then at night let her not fail to take them and rub the four posts of the bed with the same; which being done, in your first sleep, he will seem to come and present you with a couple of choice lemons, if not, there is no hope.

"Thirdly, she that is desirous to know what manner of fortune she shall marry, whether a gentleman, a tradesman, or a traveller, the experiment is thus: Take a walnut, a hazel nut, and a nutmeg; crack the two nuts, and take off the scurf; peel them clear from the kernels, and grate part of the nutmeg to them; this being done, bruise the kernels of the nuts, and mix them with b.u.t.ter and sugar, making them up into peels, which are to be taken just when you are lying down in your bed. Then if your fortune be to marry a gentleman, your sleep will be filled with fine golden dreams, variety of sweet music, and many running footmen; if a tradesman, great noise and tumults; if a traveller (who is a seaman), then frightful visions of lightning and roaring thunder will disturb your sleep. This has been often tried, and as often approved.

"Fourthly, St. Agnes' Day I have not wholly blotted out of my book; no, but I have found a more exact way of trial than before: You shall not need to abstain from kisses, nor be forced to keep a fast from a glance of your love in the night. If you can rise to be at the parish church door punctually between the hours of twelve and one in the morning, and then and there put only the fore-finger of your right hand into the key-hole of the said door, repeating the following words, three times over--

O sweet St. Agnes, now draw near With my true love, let him appear.

"Then he will straight approach to you with a cheerful and smiling countenance. This is a new and infallible way of making the trial.

"Fifthly, my dear daughters, you all know the thirteenth day of February is Valentine's Day, at which time the fowls of the air couple together, and not only so, but the young men and maidens are for choosing mates at the same time. Now, that you may speed to your full satisfaction, follow this approved direction: Take five bay leaves, lay one under every corner of your pillow, and the fifth under the middle, then laying yourself down to rest, repeat the following words in the four lines, seven times over--

Some guardian angel let me have What I most earnestly do crave, A valentine endowed with love, Which will both kind and constant prove.

"Then to your great content, you shall either have the valentine of him you desire, or, at least, one much more excellent.