Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 15

A thunderstorm overtook the Emperor Francis Joseph of Austria when out shooting in 1873 with old Emperor William of Germany and Victor Emmanuel. The three monarchs got separated from their party and lost their way. They were drenched to the skin, and, in search of shelter, hailed a peasant driving a covered cart drawn by oxen along the high road. The peasant took up the royal trio and drove on.

"And who may you be, for you are a stranger in these parts?" he asked, after a while, of Emperor William.

"I am the Emperor of Germany," replied his Teutonic majesty.

"Ha, very good," said the peasant, and then, addressing Victor Emmanuel, "and you, my friend?"

"Why, I am the King of Italy," came the prompt reply.

"Ha, ha, very good, indeed! And who are you?" addressing Francis Joseph.

"I am the Emperor of Austria," said the latter.

The peasant then scratched his head and said with a knowing wink: "Very good, and who do you suppose I am?"

Their majesties replied they would like very much to know.

"Why, I am his Holiness the Pope."

In a cemetery at Middlebury, Vt., is a stone, erected by a widow to her loving husband, bearing this inscription:

"Rest in peace--until we meet again."

Mrs. Gilroy, prominent in the church work of her small city, had acquired a new servant, willing but ignorant.

"Bridget," she said, "I am going to lie down and do not wish to be disturbed. If any one calls, do not say I am not at home, but give an evasive answer."

"What's that, mum?" said Bridget.

Having explained as well as she could, the good lady retired and later appeared below stairs, much refreshed.

"Did any one call?" she asked.

"Yes, mum; the new minister, from your church."

"Oh, Bridget. What did you tell him?"

"Well," sez he, "is Mrs. Gilroy at home?" and I sez nuthin', and sez he a little louder, "Is Mrs. Gilroy at home?" and sez I, "Was your grandmother a monkey?"

A young kindergarten teacher, of Manhattan, who is made much of by her pupils--frequently meeting their parents--has a very affable manner, and, on entering a Broadway car recently, exclaimed in her most cordial way to one of the pa.s.sengers: "Why, how do you do, Mr. Brown!"

As the man addressed evidently did not know her and looked rather dazed, she saw her mistake and hurriedly apologized, saying: "Oh, I beg your pardon-I thought you were the father of one of my children."

Then every one within hearing looked so amused that the young lady left the car at the next stop.

A Mr. Johnson, of Boston, was the owner of a small yacht, in which he took much pleasure during the summer, cruising along the coast.

He had for a cook a young fellow from Denmark whose English was not always perfect, but who made himself so generally useful that Mr.

Johnson kept him for several years at good wages. One summer they landed at a place where a camp-meeting was in full blast. Our friend, the Dane, was greatly interested and took a front seat.

Near the close of the meeting one of the brethren went about among the people exhorting them to "go forward." Coming to the Dane, he said, "My friend, don't you want to work for Jesus?"

"No," said the Dane, "I've got a good yob with Yohnson."

Johnny--"Pa, did Moses have the dyspepsia like you?"

Father--"How on earth do I know? What makes you ask such a question?"

"Why, our Sunday-school teacher says the Lord gave Moses two tablets."

Elderly Aunt--"I suppose you wondered, dear little Hans, why I left you so abruptly in the lane. I saw a man, and oh, how I ran!"

Hans--"Did you get him?"

A man returned home late one night after having partaken rather freely of the "cup that cheers." All might have been well had not one tree intercepted between him and his destination--one solitary tree at the foot of his own steps; but Mr. B---- suddenly came into such forcible contact with that tree that he was almost stunned. After recovering his senses, he wandered about, but repeatedly b.u.mped into the same inoffensive barrier. At length he sank down on the ground and muttered helplessly:

"Lost! Lost! in an impenetrable forest!"

The intoxicated individual who, after b.u.mping into the same tree thirteen times, bemoaned the fact that he was lost in an impenetrable forest, is no greater disgrace to modern civilization than the hero of this story:

A citizen of Seattle who had looked upon the wine when he was no longer sure what color it was, in the course of his journey home encountered a tree protected by an iron tree-guard. Grasping the bars, he cautiously felt his way around it twice.

"Curse it!" he moaned, sinking to the ground in despair. "Locked in!"

Stanley, aged four, was one of a large family. Besides numerous sisters and brothers, there were aunts and uncles galore and many cousins. The only very young people, however, were those in his immediate household.

One Thanksgiving dinner Stanley gazed solemnly around the table for a while, and then announced, oracularly:

"My mother and the cat seem to be the only people in this whole family that have any children!"