Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 14

One of the soldiers ran and fetched a ladle and gave the colonel the desired taste. The colonel spat and spluttered.

"Good heavens, man! You don't call that stuff soup, do you?"

"No, sir," replied the soldier meekly, "it's dishwater we was emptyin', sir."

The ship upon clearing the harbor ran into a half-pitching, half-rolling sea, that became particularly noticeable about the time the twenty-five pa.s.sengers at the captain's table sat down to dinner.

"I hope that all twenty-five of you will have a pleasant trip," the captain told them as the soup appeared, "and that this little a.s.semblage of twenty-four will reach port much benefited by the voyage. I look upon these twenty-two smiling faces much as a father does upon his family, for I am responsible for the safety of this group of seventeen. I hope that all thirteen of you will join me later in drinking to a merry trip. I believe that we seven fellow pa.s.sengers are most congenial and I applaud the judgment which chose from the pa.s.senger list these three persons for my table. You and I, my dear, sir, are--Here, steward! Bring on the fish and clear away these dishes."

"Extra Billy" Smith, the Confederate General, was one of the most irascible as well as one of the most patriotic of men. Upon one occasion he was leading a regiment on a long and difficult march.

Weary and exhausted they halted for a rest by the wayside. When it became necessary to move on, the General gave the order, but the tired men remained stretched upon the ground. The order was repeated peremptorily. Still no motion. By this time the temper of the General was at white heat. He thundered out:

"If you don't get up and start at once I'll march the regiment off and leave every d----d one of you behind."

They started.

A Boston lawyer, who brought his wit from his native Dublin, while cross-examining the plaintiff in a divorce trial, brought forth the following:

"You wish to divorce this woman because she drinks?"

"Yes, sir."

"Do you drink yourself?"

"That's _my_ business!"--angrily.

Whereupon the unmoved lawyer asked:

"Have you any other business?"

One rainy afternoon Aunt Sue was explaining the meaning of various words to her young nephew. "Now, an heirloom, my dear, means something that has been handed down from father to son," she said.

"Well," replied the boy thoughtfully, "that's a queer name for my pants."

"The easiest money that I ever made," said a shipping man the other day, "was handed to me in New York not long ago. I was visiting there and had a little time to myself, so I bought a paper and went down to the river front. I saw an advertis.e.m.e.nt in the paper saying that a tug was to be auctioned off that day, so I went to the place and stood around examining the tug. After a while a man who had been watching me came over and began asking questions. I told him I was interested in boats and was from Philadelphia. Then he asked: 'What are you doing down here?' 'I came down to this auction sale,' I said. 'Well,' said the man, 'if you want to keep on the right side of the boys you'll do something for me. Here's $100; do not bid on the tug.' I took the money and departed. I had not the slightest intention of bidding."

A bride and groom had been much troubled by the stares of people at hotels wherever they went. So when they arrived at the next hotel the groom called the colored head-waiter.

"Now, George," he said, "we have been bothered to death by people staring at us because we are just married. We want to be free from that sort of thing here. Now, here's two dollars, and remember I trust you not to tell people that we are just married, if they ask you.

Understand?"

"Yas, sah!" said George; "I un'stand."

All went well that day. But the following morning when the couple came down to breakfast the staring was worse than ever. Chambermaids in the hall snickered; the clerks behind the desk nudged each other; everybody in the dining-room stared. When the couple returned to their room it was only to see a head sticking out of nearly every room down the long hall.

This was too much.

This _was_ the limit!

Angered beyond control, the groom went to the desk and called for the head-waiter.

"Look here, you old fool," said the groom, "didn't I give you two dollars to protect my wife and myself from the staring business?"

"Yas, sah, you did," said George. "'Pon me soul, I didn't tell, sah."

"Then how about this staring?" asked the irate groom. "It's worse here than anywhere. Did anybody ask if we were married?"

"Yas, sah; several folks did," replied George.

"Well, what did you tell them?"

"I tole 'em, sah," replied the honest negro, "you wuzn't married at all."

A witty priest was once visiting a "self-made" millionaire, who took him to see his seldom-used library.

"There," said the millionaire, pointing to a table covered with books, "there are my best friends."

"Ah," replied the wit, as he glanced at the leaves, "I'm glad you don't cut them!"

Mrs. Maloney was before the Judge, charged with a.s.sault on Policeman Casey. She had been unusually attentive throughout the proceedings, and now the Judge was summing up the evidence.

"The evidence shows, Mrs. Maloney," he began, "that you threw a stone at Policeman Casey."

"It shows more than that, yer Honor," interrupted Mrs. Maloney; "it shows that Oi hit him."

When Mark Twain was a young and struggling newspaper writer, in San Francisco, a lady of his acquaintance saw him one day with a cigar-box under his arm looking in a shop window.

"Mr. Clemens," she said, "I always see you with a cigar-box under your arm. I am afraid you are smoking too much."

"It isn't that," said Mark. "I'm moving again."