Airhead: Being Nikki Part 17

Come with me, he said, and guided me toward the stereo cabinet.

What? I asked, unwinding my scarf as Cosabella jumped excitedly against my legs. You didnt get us a present, did you? You didnt have to My voice trailed off as I saw what Steven slid back the stereo cabinet doors to show me. It sat next to our CD player, a black box with a lot of k.n.o.bs on it.

Oh, I said. Thats so nice. But I think we already have one. I didnt know what it was. We already had one of everything. Im sure yours is better, I said, to make him not feel bad.

You dont have one of these, Steven a.s.sured me, with a chuckle. Its an acoustic noise generator. And dont ask where I got it, because youre better off not knowing. It works by injecting noise on all the frequencies on which you might be bugged. In your case" He pointed upward.

I c.o.c.ked my head. ButI cant hear anything.

Right, Steven said. Thats the point. Youre not supposed to know its here. And neither will they. All theyre going to know is that they cant hear you anymore. Theyll probably send someone in to try to find out why. But they wont be able to figure it out. Theyll never have seen one of those before. Its for military use only.

I stared at him. Which is why Im not supposed to ask where you got it, I said. Right?

Right, he said. Or ask where I got this. He handed me a small black handheld device, not much bigger than my bug detector.

Its a portable audio jammer, he said, in response to my inquisitive look. It only operates on two frequencies, but it will stop any surveillance microphones operating within a distance of a hundred and fifty feet of you from picking up normal conversation. And soundlessly.

I looked down at the sleek black device in my hand. I was touched.

This is so nice of you, Steven, I said, feeling my eyes grow moist. Id been so paranoid for so long about Stark overhearing my every word. And now, suddenly, I didnt have to be. And it had all happened so fast. But II didnt get you anything.

What? Steven looked incredulous. Yes, you did. This was the least I could do.

I shook my head. I couldnt believe I was getting teary-eyed. Then again, I always had been a giant geek. I guess this was proof that what Frida had accused me of wasnt true"I wasnt turning into Nikki Howard after all. Im pretty sure she wouldnt have been impressed by gifts of an acoustic noise generator and an audio jammer. What do you mean?

The TV stations that ran interviews with you say theyve had hundreds of calls, Steven said. All from people who think theyve seen Mom.

Are any of them credible sightings? Lulu, using some of her Law and Order jargon, came into the loft suddenly. She was helping Katerina with the caterers, whod begun arriving in advance of her party.

No. Steven closed the stereo cabinet hastily. Not yet. But I have a feeling were getting close.

Fantastic! Lulu smiled brilliantly at him, then pointed an imperious finger at a guy carrying a carved-out pumpkin in which some kind of liquid was going to be poured. No! Katerina, where does that go?

Here! Katerina took over, looking physically ready to move the guy holding the pumpkin, if not the gourd itself.

So its okay with you, I asked, looking nervously at Nikkis brother, that I did all those interviews?

Okay with me? Steven shook his head. We should have thought of it sooner. But is it going to get you in trouble with"?

He raised his gaze to the ceiling where the performer from Cirque du Soleil, wearing very little except a nude-colored bra and a pair of panties and a long red scarf, was testing out a newly installed trapeze with her weight. Not far from the trapeze were the round holes Id noticed in the ceiling a few weeks earlier. Steven wasnt avoiding the word Stark for fear of being overheard by my employernot anymore, thanks to his gifts. He just didnt want to bring it up in front of Lulu while she was in such a party mood.

I dont know, I said with a shrug. I guess well see.

I cant believe all the fuss shes going to for this, Steven said, looking at Lulu as she flitted from one table to another, making last-minute adjustments. She had already changed into her party finery, a poofy-skirted black c.o.c.ktail gown. She looked like one of her favorite movie characters, Holly Golightly, from the movie Breakfast at Tiffanys. All she needed was a long cigarette holder.

Its important to her, I explained. She doesnt have any family. Her friends are her family. I looked at him. Youre part of that family, too, now.

I am? He looked a bit startled. I was pretty sure he didnt fully comprehend what I meant"at least so far as Lulu having an enormous crush on him went. I highly doubted it had occurred to Steven Howard that Lulu Collins, of all people, thought he was hot. He just didnt have a high enough opinion of himself. Look at the struggle the two of them had had over his outfit for the party. Hed wanted to wear his normal clothes"T-shirt and jeans"and Lulu had wanted him to wear an ensemble shed put together for him at Barneys. Lulu had won, in the end, by pouting.

But Steven looked as uncomfortable as a jock at a Comic-Con. Not that he looked bad"exactly the opposite. I just wasnt used to seeing him resemble such a typical New Yorker, in a striped b.u.t.ton-down shirt with dark-rinse jeans and a fitted jacket with frayed st.i.tching that I knew had to have cost at least a thousand dollars.

I doubted Steven knew that, however.

Nikki, people are coming soon, Lulu cried when she saw me sitting on the couch, petting Cosy and talking to Steven. Are you going to change or what? I mean, youre not wearing that, are you?

I was still in my school clothes, having been too exhausted to slip into something else.

Im changing, I said. Im changing. I slunk off to my bedroom to find something to wear, relieved to be out of the way of Katerina and the party caterers. Cosabella looked relieved, too, and hopped into her little basket to curl up and go to sleep.

In Nikkis closet was an endless supply of couture, most of it still with the price tags attached. I never had to go shopping, because stylists just gave Nikki things to wear right off the racks from the shoots I went to. I found a slinky black evening gown, made of some kind of sparkly material, that tied like a halter around the neck. It was cold outside, but inside the loft it was hot because Lulu had a blaze going full blast in the fireplace. Shed turn the air-conditioning on and open every window to combat the body heat from all the guests laterWed had a few gatherings in the past. I took off my clothes and slithered into the dress, which was the kind you couldnt wear with underwear or the lines would show, then spent a half hour messing around with my makeup. I was never the type to care about makeup before, but it was very soothing if, for instance, you were upset about a guy"say, a guy like Christopher"to screw around in the mirror, trying to give yourself a smoky eye, while waiting for him to call, and telling yourself it would be a really, really bad idea to call him.

I mean, after all, Christopher prefers a dead girl. What did I want to hang out with a guy like that for, anyway? Right?

I suppose I had zero chance of that relationship ever working outwhich was just as well, I guess. No guy needed to tangle with someone as messed up as me. Christopher was better off without me. Maybe I should just step aside and let McKayla Donofrio have him, that lactose-intolerant, National Merit Scholarship-winning, Business Club-founding, tortoisesh.e.l.l-headband-wearing little cow.

My eyes ended up looking more haunted than smoky. I could see Id put on too much liner, and had to start over. By the time I came out of my bedroom, it was late, and the first guests"the early ones, Lulu had a.s.sured me, were always wannabes and losers"had already arrived. I used the opportunity to grab some food"no need to worry about getting it while it was still hot, since Katerina, in the kitchen, was supervising the caterers to make sure everything stayed exactly the temperature at which it was supposed to be served all night"so I wouldnt faint with hunger later on when it all ran out.

Meanwhile, DJ Drama had arrived and was setting up. I went over to chat with him. He seemed shy. Or maybe he was just uninterested in anything a seventeen-year-old girl stuffing her face with sushi had to say. Above our heads, while we chatted, the Cirque du Soleil performer was doing unbelievable contortions, a detached look on her face. I wondered what it would be like to be her. Better, I figured, than it was to be me. The loft kept filling up with more and more people, some of whom I recognized from the pages of Lulus copies of Vogue and Fridas copies of Us Weekly and some of whom Id never seen before. DJ Drama got the music pulsing and soon was too busy to speak to me"but that was okay, because Nikkis friends had started crowding around me, telling me how great I looked and leading me toward the bar, where theyd all begun ordering some of the exotic drinks the astrologist bartenders were mixing.

I couldnt help it. I started having fun. Okay, my life was in shambles. The guy I loved didnt love me back. The mother of the body my brain had been transplanted into was missing. And Id flunked half my finals because Id missed them.

But it was hard not to have a good time when there was so much good music, good food, and so many happy people around.

Even Steven, I saw, wasnt having a bad time. I spotted him dancing with Lulu"if you could call what he was doing dancing. Mainly, he was standing still while Lulu cavorted all around him like a crazy wild woman.

Thats when he happened to catch my eye. He saw me staring. And he looked toward the ceiling. Not like he was glancing at the Cirque du Soleil performer. But like he was saying, Can you believe this? But also, he was smiling. So his glance toward the ceiling was sort of saying, I know, right? This is crazybut its kind of fun, too.

And thats when I realized maybe things werent quite that bad. At least I had a connection with someone who thought about things the same way I did.

It was just surprising that it was Nikkis brother, Steven.

Maybe, I thought to myself, Frida was right. Just a little bit. Not the part where shed accused me of turning into Nikki Howard, but the part where shed implied Id found a new family. Maybe, like Lulu, I was making a new familyone that included my old family.

But that wasnt as surprising as what happened next: The crowd parted a little, and I saw something I never in a million years expected to see.

And that was a member of my old family"my sister, Frida"dancing with Brandon Stark.

I had no idea what she was doing there. Clearly, shed invited herself, since I certainly hadnt given her the okay to be there.

Worse, she was wearing a tiny dress"no bigger than two handkerchiefs sewn together (I might be exaggerating, but not really)"and gyrating her hips like she thought she was Miley Cyrus or someone. That was not cool. It was so not cool that I was stalking over to give her a piece of my mind when I heard a familiar voice say, Nikki, and I turned around.

There wasnt a person in the world who could have distracted me, at that moment, from killing my sister. Not a single person. Except the second-to-last person Id expected to see at that party, after my little sister: Christopher.

What was he doing here? I had never invited him. How could I, now that hed gone to the dark side?

And I had already given him everything he had asked for. What more could he possibly want from me?

Then I glanced into his face, and my shock gave way to concernChristopher looked white as a sheet. What was the matter?

Then it hit me: Oh, G.o.d. Felix had been arrested. I knew it. Just knew it. Theyd overheard us in Christophers apartment. Of course they had. I hadnt had the audio jammer then.

And theyd be coming for Christopher next. He was on the run. And hed come to me for help.

And in that minute I knewas much as Id told myself I didnt care about Christopher anymore, as much as I told myself McKayla Donofrio could have him, Id been lying to myself. I loved him. I always would. Id do whatever I had to do to hide him from the cops. Even if he never, ever gave me the time of day.

Because thats what you did for people you loved. Even people who didnt love you back.

Can I talk to you for a minute? Christopher asked me. He had to raise his voice almost to a shout to be heard above the pounding music.

Whats going on? I asked him, fear clutching my throat. It was a different kind of fear than Id felt for Frida when Id seen her in her handkerchief dress, dancing with Brandon. That had been more like annoyance, actually. I knew she couldnt really get in trouble when Lauren Conrad was dancing in front of a camera crew right beside her. Is"

Christopher seemed to have read my thoughts. He shook his head.

Everythings fine, he said. Well, I mean, relatively. Im probably going to flunk out of school. But other than that. And Im sorry to crash your party like this. I just really need to talk to you. Look, can we go somewhere a little quieter? Wheres your room?

Its over there, I said, pointing.

Good. Christopher reached out and wrapped his hand around my wrist. The next thing I knew, he was pulling me through the crowded loft toward the door to my room. He didnt seem to care how many people he b.u.mped into along the way"caterers serving drinks, models from the Stark Angel fashion show whose numbers Brandon had evidently gotten and summoned to come along, fashionistas, Karl the doorman, improbably dancing with Katerina, both of them having had too much to drink. He evidently just wanted to get where it was quieter, and get there as soon as he possibly could.

And when we were in my empty bedroom, he dropped my hand and turned to face me. He didnt even bother turning on a light, just settled for the glow from the city that shone in from the floor-to-ceiling windows.

I stood there looking at him, a little out of breath from how quickly hed pulled me. It was a lot quieter in my room. The music was still thumping unbelievably loudly out in the loft, but at least you could hear yourself think. The building, having once been a police precinct station, had decent enough soundproofing from room to room. I guess the old-timey cop higher-ups hadnt wanted to be able to hear the prisoners scream as they were being tortured back in their prison cells.

So whats so important, I asked him, that you couldnt tell me out there?

And the next thing I knew, without uttering a single word, he was reaching up, cupping both my cheeks with his hands, and tilting my face until it was just inches from his.

And then he was kissing me.

Christopher Maloney was kissing me.

It wasnt a possessive kiss or a greedy kiss. He didnt smash his lips up against mine the way some guys"okay, Brandon"did when they got a chance to kiss Nikki Howard, like they wanted to own her or drive themselves up against her or whatever.

It was a sweet kiss. It was almostwell, if I didnt know better, Id have said it was a loving kiss.

But Christopher didnt love Nikki Howard. Christopher loved Em Watts.

Still, I felt his kiss from my lips all the way down to my painfully throbbing"in my too tight Jimmy Choo shoes"toes. My lips were tingling as if theyd been stung by a thousand tiny bees. Or been slathered in a ton of Lip Venom.

My G.o.d, was all I could think. Christopher was kissing me. Christopher Maloney was kissing me.

And the thing was, even though people always say dreams never stand up to the reality, this totally did. Christopher kissing me felt exactly as Id always imagined it wouldas warm and as right and as electric as Id dreamed"when Id been idiotic enough to dream of Christopher Maloney kissing me, before the accident, before Id given up all my dreams. Because after the accident, of course, thered been no point in dreamingNone of those dreams had a chance of ever coming true.

But nownow. The dream Id fantasized about most often of all as Id sat in Public Speaking was coming true right in front of me. Not only was Christopher kissing me, but"because my legs appeared to have given out from the shock of it all"he was lifting me upno, really, he had scooped an arm up under my collapsing knees and was lifting me up"and carrying me toward the bed.

Wait"was this really happening?

Except that it had to be. Because I could feel the metal rivets from his leather jacket biting into my skin through the thin material of my dress. Surely I couldnt be dreaming that.

And I could feel the soft poofiness of my down comforter behind my back as he laid me gently down on top of it.

And then I could feel the hardness of his body as he, in turn, lay down on top of me. Surely all these things had to be happening. I couldnt be imagining them, or the steady thump-thump-thump of the music from the next room, which seemed to be going exactly in time with the rapid thump-thump-thump of my heart Or the way his lips, so close to mine, murmured the word Em before he kissed me again, this kiss so long and so hungry that I really couldnt have described it as sweet. Not this time. Not when every inch of skin on my body was so tingly and aware of every place it was in contact with hisnot when suddenly I realized he was lying on top of me, with one leg insinuated between mine.

Not when all that was separating us was a few sc.r.a.ps of material and some leather.

And that was when it hit me, the word hed said, that single syllable finally trickling down through my kiss-addled brain.

What did you call me? I asked, wrenching my lips away from his.

I know, he said. Since Id pulled my head away, he couldnt reach my mouth. So he settled for kissing my neck. Needless to say, this was hugely distracting. It also felt really, really good. Better, even, than having my neck ma.s.saged.

His voice, when he spoke again, was a deep-throated growl, it was so rough with emotion. I know its you, Em.

You what? I was positive I was in some kind of dream now, and that I was going to wake up any minute, like I always did. Maybe this time Id be at the bottom of the ocean in St. John. Maybe Id never really left there after all, and everything that had happened after that was just one long, McKayla Donofrio-filled nightmare.

Your file, Christopher murmured, against my neck. I read it. The Stark Inst.i.tute for Neurology and Neurosurgery didnt do its due diligence when selecting an offsh.o.r.e IT consultancy.

Okay. That didnt sound like part of a dreamor something Id imagine.

What? I said intelligently.

Stark cut corners, Christopher said. His lips were still on my throat. Not a wise move when it comes to your network.

Wait a minute.

Im surprised no ones found out about those whole-body transplants theyve been doing before now. Christophers voice was still a low, gravelly rasp. Its really just a matter of time before the press discovers what theyve been up to.

Wait. Christopher knew? He knew?

Its notI dont know what youre talking about, I said. Even as I was saying it, I thought, confusedly, No, waitthe acoustic noise generator. Stark cant overhear me anymore. I can tell him. I can tell him the truth now.

But old habits die hard.

Em. Christophers lips traveled up my neck to my mouth again. Its all right. I know. I know you couldnt tell me. I know you tried. But Im here now. Everythings going to be all right. You know I always loved you.

It was fantastic, what his mouth was doing to me. The things he was saying were even more amazing. It was everything I had ever wanted. It was all just incredible.

You always loved me? I echoed.

Of course I did. Christopher looked down at me. His expression, which moments before had been supremely confident, now seemed confused. You know that. I mean, you saw what a mess I was after your funeral. Em, when you diedit nearly tore me apart. When I found out you were alive, I cant even describe to you"

I didnt know why I couldnt just lie there and enjoy what was happening to me. I didnt know why I couldnt just accept what he was saying and forget that hed never said he loved me back when I had that snaggletooth and didnt look like the G.o.ddess that I did now. I mean, I was still the same person on the inside then that I was now. So what did it matter?

Except It mattered.

I pushed him away from me. He moved, seemingly dazed by what I was doing, then watched as I wriggled out from beneath him, rolled off the bed"careful not to step on Cosabella, whod come trotting over to see what was going on"then went to one of the windows and wedged it open, letting in the sound of the traffic below, as well as a blast of fresh winter air.

I knew there was no danger of us being overheard by Stark. Not anymore. I just needed some air to help me think.