After Silence Part 15

"Okay, then that's that. Let's forget about it. I know how much your brother loves you but he'd probably be really upset and disappointed if he knew you were doing it again. Remember last time? So look, if you don't tell him what you told me, I won't say anything either. It'll be our secret. But you've got to keep the secret, Greer. 'Cause if anyone finds out, you're the one it'll hurt."

"Are you going to tell Mommy?"

"Mom doesn't need to know either."

Hearing that, she knew she was off the hook and could be mischievous again. "Okay, but sometimes I can't keep a secret, Dad. I just have to open my mouth and scream it out 'cause it's like a burp, you know? Like it can't live in my stomach or I'll explode."

"Baby, do what you like, but if you tell Lincoln, he's not going to let you in his room again, because he won't trust you. If you tell Mom, remember what she said last time about snooping where you're not supposed to in the house. I don't think it's a good idea to talk about this with anyone, but the decision is up to you."

"Are you going to tell anyone?"

"No."

"It's bad, huh, Dad? About Lincoln having it."

"I'm not sure yet. I think it's kind of bad because what does he need a gun for?"

"Maybe he wants to protect us!"

"I'll protect us. He knows he doesn't have to worry about that."

"Maybe he wants to show off. Or maybe he's going to shoot someone!"

"I hope no one we know!"

Looking to see if I was serious, her small concerned face relaxed as soon as I smiled and she understood I was joking.

I could trust her not to tell only for a little while because sooner or later Greer spilled any bean she owned. I called Lily at Crowds and Power and said we would be going over there for dinner. She was in a good mood and wanted to know if anything new was happening.

"Nothing much, except I love you."

"That's new? We've been together seven years but only now you're starting to love me?"

"I think we love differently every day. Like the guy who said you can't stand in a river at exactly the same place twice. Today I love you differently than yesterday, or will tomorrow."

"Oh. Uh, Max, are you okay?"

"Is that Mommy on the phone? Can I talk to her?"

I handed the phone to Greer. She took it with two hands and pressed it tight up against her face.

"Mom? Ms. Zuckerbrot says I have to bring two thousand peanut b.u.t.ter cookies to cla.s.sThursday for our party."

I heard Lily squawk, "Two thousand!?" Greer giggled into her hand and grinned at me. "Just kidddding . But I do have to have a lot of cookies for the party. Will you help me make them?"

We worked on her homework together and then played Chinese checkers for another hour.

"Max, I'm going out."

I turned and saw Little White making a flirty face at Elvis. He grabbed her by the jaw and apparently squeezed too hard, because she squealed like a pig and slapped his hand away. "You always hurt me, a.s.sho" Seeing us, she caught herself and gave a lame smile. Lincoln ignored them.

"Be back by seven, huh? We're going to the restaurant for dinner."

"I'm not hungry."

"Lincoln, be home at seven o'clock tonight. I don't care if you're hungry."

Elvis whistled and shook his hand slowly back and forth at my "show of might." The girl rubbed her jaw.

"Whaddya want me to do there, sit at the table with an empty plate and listen to all the f.a.gs?"

"If you want to be sarcastic, tiger, you gotta be witty too. You almost have the tone now, but you ain't got the funny yet."

Little White thought this was hilarious. She clapped her hands delightedly. Elvis put a finger out, touched him on the arm, and, pretending to be burned, made a hissing sound and whipped his hand back fast.

"Guess he burned your a.s.s, Linco."

"I guess you better kiss my a.s.s, Elvo . Come on, we're outta here."

They trooped out in their sevenleague Gestapo boots and I'd guess it was my son who slammed the door and then gave it a loud kick for good measure.

"How come you and Lincoln always fight, Daddy?"

"Because I think he should do certain things but he thinks he shouldn't. Come on, it's your move."

Seven o'clock rolled around with no sign of him. I waited another half hour before going to dinner.

I tried to be as calm and goodnatured as I could with Greer, while at the same time figuring out what to do with her brother. Getting into his room was no problema week after he put the lock on his door, I had a locksmith come in and make me a copy of the key. What I'd told Mary was trueI had been in his room only once since the lock was installed, but I'd also stopped trusting our son long ago and felt the secret key necessary. No one knew I had it, not even Lily.

Crowds and Power was packed with pretties when we arrived. In the years since Lily and I met, it had become one of the "power" spots in Los Angeles for people to meet and be seen. Articles were written about it in trendy magazines, the parking lot was invariably full of the appropriate German, English, and Italian cars with license plates that said things like "L.A. Gent," and getting a table reservation was tough if you were not important. Ibrahim and Gus were still together despite their neverending bickers, yet I liked them less because of how they had changed with their success. On the one hand, they worked too hard to be cool. On the other, both were overtly sycophantic. This showed in the way they dealt with their increasingly famous clientele. If you were someone, a table was always ready. If you weren't, you might be allowed to sit in the back near the kitchen. The noman'sland Gus called "Table h.e.l.l." There was little of the original warmth and happy frenzy that had been such a precious trademark of the place when I'd first known it. A few years back there had been a palace revolt because of this elemental change of heart. The Band sisters and Mabdean Kessack quit because none of them liked how elitist and false their bosses had become. In a move that troubled Lily because it erased most of what was left of the original "feel" of the restaurant, Ibrahim replaced the women with a gay couple named Ace and Berndt who were both very swish and sn.o.bbish but efficient.

"Hi, guys. Where's Lincoln?" Lily had an armful of menus, and her hair, which had grown much longer, was sticking out in all directions. We kissed, then she bent over and traded big ones with Greer.

"He's with his friends. He might show up later."

She gave me her "Is this what I think?" look and I nodded. She grimaced and sighed. "He used to love coming here so much, remember? We had fun. Remember how Mabdean used to make him thatspecial pizza?"

"And his birthday party with the snakes?"

"Golden days at Crowds and Power. How I wish it was like that now. Are you hungry?"

One of the waiters came up and, with the slightest head tip of recognition to us, started talking to Lily in an urgent whisper.

"Just tell her it's not on the menu, Berndt. I don't understand the problem."

Offended, he looked at her as if she'd asked if he had farted. "The problem is, I did tell her that, but she insisted we make it for her because we served it before."

"Too bad. She can eat what's on the menu, like everyone else."

"Gus might be upset if he hears you said no. He loves this woman's show."

"I'll worry about that. Please do as I told you."

Flashing a b.i.t.c.hy little smile, he walked off. Lily scratched her chin. "I miss Sullivan and Alberta at least ten times a day, every day. Things used to be so much more merry around here. Once upon a time, we would have made that actress what she wants because we'd have been so excited to have her here.

Not no more."

"Mom, can we eat now?"

"Yes, love. Let's find a table." Leading us through the packed room, Lily turned and asked, "Where is His Majesty?"

"Last I saw, he was shuffling off to places unknown with Mickey and Minnie. We had a faceoff at the door and I told him to stop being such a wise guy."

"I'm sure he loved that. Here, let's sit here. Did you embarra.s.s him in front of his friends? You know how he hates that."

"He hates most things. That's the problem."

"Sometimes he hates you , Daddy."

"I know, but that can happen when you have two guys b.u.t.ting heads like we do. You know the way we disagree about things."

"What did you tell him to set him off?"

"To be home at a specific time so we could go to dinner. He said he wasn't hungry, I said be home . That was the extent of our discussion. Looks like he decided not to join us after all."

"Mom, Lincoln had his 'f.u.c.k' shirt on."

"Thank you for telling me, Greer, but you know the only reason you told me was so you could say the word. Don't think you're tricking me."

"Lil, I had a couple of ideas for the strip coming over. I'd like to leave right after dinner to go back and work on them. You've got early shift tonight, right? Can Miss m.u.f.fet go home with you?"

"Sure. We'll have to stop at the market first, but you don't mind staying up past your bedtime a little, do you?"

Sounding out words on the menu to herself, Greer shook her head.

"You look great tonight. That long hair really suits you."

"Oh, Max, does it? Thanks. I think I look like a hundred years old today."

"No, you look great. You're one of those people who get betterlooking as they grow older. I'm very lucky to have you, know that?"

We often complimented each other. I didn't know a happier couple. Neither how she had stolen Lincoln nor what had become of him could affect the fact that we loved each other more and more as the years pa.s.sed.

"Thank you. You're a good guy to say it."

"It's the truth. What are we having for dinner?"

Although it was a good family meal with lots of talk, gestures, and laughing, both Lily and I kept scanning the room to see if the boy had arrived. Sometimes our looks crossed and one or the other would raise an eyebrow as if to say, "What can we do? The kid isn't coming."

But he surprised us.

"Max, I was trying to tell someone today how many newspapers run 'Paper Clip.' Isn't it aroundthree hundred?"

"Yes, a few more, but that's good enough."

"Hi, Mom. "

"Lincoln! Hi! Come, sit down."

"Hi, Lincoln. Wanna sit next to me?"

"Hi, Grrrreer. Naah, I want to sit next to Dad . Right in the heart of the old fam."

The chair to my right slid out noisily. Sitting down, he slapped me on the shoulder. "How're you doin', Max? How's the old provider hanging?"

"Do you want something to eat?"

"I said before I wasn't hungry. I only came by to see you guys." Patting out a beat on the table, he started singing a song about "raising my famuhly." We watched and waited but he didn't stop. He sang louder. People at other tables started staring and gave him a long onceover. He sang on while we three went back to our dessert.

Greer said she had to go to the toilet and Lily took her.

Lincoln smiled at me. "Hey, Max, what's the difference between a refrigerator and a h.o.m.os.e.xual?"

He said it too loudly, wanting people to hear.

"I guess you're going to tell me."

"A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out."

A woman at the table next to ours shook her head and said, "Jesus Christ, crude !"

I sat forward and put my hand on his forearm. "Lincoln, stop it. What are you trying to prove?

You know you shouldn't talk like that here. It's offensive and totally inappropriate."

Instead of answering, he put a thumb in Greer's peach ice cream. Sticking it in his mouth, he sucked the finger. It was so incongruous seeing this mess of a kid sucking his thumb. He closed his eyes in exaggerated delight. I realized it was the first time in all our years together I had seen him make that innocent gesture.

"Lincoln! What are you doing? What is the matter with you? Why do you make trouble every time you are coming in now?" Ibrahim marched over, seething. He was a kind man but had had enough of the boy's behavior. Our son had caused a number of scenes and nearfights here in the last two years. Cruel comments, jokes as gross and loud as this one, rotten things that he shouted at us about how much he despised the restaurant and all those connected with it. Long ago we had given up asking him to join us, but many times he chose to tag along and then usually wound up making trouble. None of us knew why, other than his very aggressive h.o.m.ophobia. The only reason I'd wanted him along tonight was so I could be sure he was away from the house when I went searching for his gun.

"This is the end. I have had enough of you now. You have no right to treat us like this Lincoln, you are making everyone who loves you crippled. You cut off our legs and then cut out our hearts. Love goes very far, mister, but it is not the universe. Someplace it stops and then that is the end."

"I'll try to remember that."

When Ibrahim was gone, Lincoln asked if we could go outside and talk alone. I agreed and, walking out, asked a waiter to tell Lily we'd be back in a few minutes.

Standing in front of the restaurant, the boy shoved his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. "I know , Maxie. I know everything! I found it all out today. Tonight. It's so incredible how in one second your whole life can move from here to way way way over there . Unbelievable. A real mind warper. But I know every one of your dirty f.u.c.king secrets!" He was so happy. If I hadn't known what was going on, I'd have been shocked by his face of pure joy. "I cannot believe it. I can't believe you didn't tell me anything all these years. Would you have? Would you ever have told me?"

"I don't know."