A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 21

_Sir Pat._ Poo, poo! That's foolish now. Why what has a Stage Play to do with Reason and Probability? If a Tragedy makes you laugh and a Comedy makes you cry, as Mr. Heartly said just now, what would you have more?

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Sir Pat._ And as to the young Lady's going home a Foot, that is easily answered. You are to suppose it was a rainy Night and that she walked home to save Chair hire, because there was never a Coach to be had.

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Sir Pat._ I am sure it is very natural to walk. I have done so a hundred times.

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha.

_Trif._ My dear Sir Patrick, give me your Hand! Thou art the top Critick of the Age, let me perish.

_Nib._ Ignorant Wretches!

_Cank._ Was ever Man so tortured with such Fools! (_Aside_)--I hope, Mr. Heartly, you will not offer to vindicate the Dialogue. There is not one Attempt to Wit all through the Play, but that about the Gravestone; the Characters all speak like People in common Conversation.

_Heart._ I thought that was a Beauty, Mr. Canker.

_Cank._ Yes just as barrenness is in Land. Don't you see, Sir, what Whicherly and Congreve have done in their Comedies?

_Heart._ Yes Sir, and I know what their Masters, Terence, Plautus, Moliere, and our own Johnson have done, who thought themselves most excellent in their Dialogue when they could make their Characters speak, not what was most witty, but what was most proper to Time, Place, Character, and Circ.u.mstance.

_Lady._ Upon my Word, Mr. Heartly, you are a very accurate Critick, and I am entirely of your Judgment.

_Cank._ Well, but allowing it all [it] deserves, why must it be praised so very much?

_Heart._ Because, Sir, Praise is the food, and too often the only Reward of Merit; and none deny it but the ill natured and the envious.

_Cank._ And none give it but the Ignorant or the Fulsome.

_Heart._ Sir, that is not very Complaisant--pray Sir, who do you mean by the Ignorant?

_Trif._ Ay, Sir, who is't you mean?

_Sir Pat._ Ay, Sir, who do you mean? I hope you don't mean me.

_Cank._ You, and all of you who like this Piece--You are Men, Fops in Understanding, catch your Judgments from each other as you do your Dress, not because they are right, but that they are the Fashion, _and you make as ridiculous a Figure in Criticism as an Ape in human Cloathing_.

_Lady._ Give me leave to tell you, Mr. Canker, that you want Politeness.

_Cank._ Madam, I am sorry your Ladyship obliges me to tell you that you want Judgment.

_Lady._ Not to see into you, Sir--Your Envy shall never be rude or troublesome to any of my Family again, I a.s.sure you, Sir.

_Cank._ Nor shall your Ignorance or your Niece's ever be troublesome to me again; I would as soon Match into a Family of Hottentots.

_Lady._ O mighty well, Sir!--Harriet, I desire you will never think of Mr. Canker more.

_Har._ I shall obey your Commands, Madam.

_Lady._ Want Judgment! A Family of Hottentots!

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour that was unpolite--and you might as well say I want Judgment.

_Trif._ Ay, by Gad, or I.

_Cank._ You are those kind of Judges who are brought into the Channel of Criticism by the Springtide of Fashion, part of the Rubbish which helps to swell it above the Mark of Truth, and with its Ebb, return as precipitately as you came in, and are never heard of more.

_Trif._ Dullness seize me! If I understand what you mean by your Springtide, your Fashion, and your Rubbish--I insist upon the Play, [it] is a good Play--quite tip top, the best Play in life, split me!

_Sir Pat._ Faith, so it is, Mr. Trifle, a very good Play, for the Author told me so himself--and you know it must be good when I had it from his own Mouth.

_Lady._ Did you ever see the Author, Sir Patrick?

_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, but I had it at second hand, from a third Parson, and that's the same thing, you know.

_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha!

(_Enter a_ FOOTMAN)

_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come; he bid me inform your Ladyship that the Writings are ready.

_Lady._ Very well. (_Exit Footman_) We shall [have] no Occasion for them tonight nor never in regard to Mr. Canker.

_Heart._ I protest, Madam, this Hour's Conversation and its Circ.u.mstances, tolerably handled, would make, a la mode a Francaise, an agreeable Pet.i.t Piece.

_Lady._ Not a bad thought, I vow, Mr. Heartly.

_Heart._ Shall I recommend it to your Ladyship? I know your Talents for the Drama, and I'll answer for its Success.

_Trif._ And so will I by Jupiter; my Lady, we'll make a party on purpose to support it.

_Sir Pat._ And so will I by all the G.o.ds in Virgil's Iliad! O I'll come alone with a hundred Catcalls of my Acquaintance to support it.

_Heart._ Shall we prevail on your Ladyship?

_Lady._ Upon my Honour, I don't dislike the Whim, if you will promise your a.s.sistance, Mr. Heartly.

_Heart._ Your Ladyship does me Honour; you may command me and Mr.

Canker shall be the Hero.

_Lady._ Really I am afraid his Character is so very high that the Audience will never allow it to be natural.

_Heart._ That part of the Audience who would know the Copy by themselves might condemn it through Policy as being exaggerated, but the Candid and Judicious who could not be hurt by it and who know the Nature of Envy would approve it. Besides Farce will admit of Characters being a little outre.

_Lady._ I protest you are a mighty good Critick, Mr. Heartly, but I am afraid we shall want Plot in our Pet.i.t Piece, Mr. Heartly.