A Will and No Will or A Bone for the Lawyers Part 20

_Nib._ Nay prithee now, Tim[7] Trifle, what do you understand by the word Suspicion?

_Trif._ Dear Nick, every Mortal knows what Suspicion means; Suspicion comes from Suspicio, that is when any Person suspects another.

_Nib._ Well I won't dispute your Definition but upon my Honour I think it should have been the Jealous Husband.

_Trif._ He, he, lud, Nibble, that would have been the most absurd t.i.tle in the Creation. Well Nick, have you anything else in the Play to find fault with?

_Nib._ Yes, I think Ranger's Dress is another egregious Fault in it.

_Trif._ His Dress a Fault in the Play?

_Nib._ Ay, and intolerable one.

_Trif._ Nay don't say that, Nick--because if you do I must laugh at you. Why all the World admires his Dress. _That is thought one of the best things in the Play._

_Nib._ Well now I will mention a Criticism which I defy the warmest of Words to defend.

_Trif._ Well, prithee what's that, Nibble?

_Nib._ Why you know Ranger's hat is laced; that I think you must allow; that is obvious to everybody.

_Trif._ Well, well, granted, my dear Nibble, it is laced.

_Nib._ Why then I aver by all the Rules of Criticism to make the improbability out of imposing upon Mr. Strickland, that Jacyntha's Hat ought to be laced too, and by all that is absurd it is a plain one.

_Trif._ Well come, there is something in that; that is a Fault I must confess, that is a Fault by gad.

_Nib._ O an unpardonable one; I a.s.sure you Jack Wagwit and a parcel of us was going to hiss the whole Scene upon that Account.

_Trif._ No, no, that would have been cruel; you know Homer himself sometimes nodded. Don't take any Notice of it to anybody, and it shall be altered tomorrow Night. I'll speak to the Author about it--O here's my Lady and Mr. Canker--now for a thorough Criticism upon it.

(_Enter Lady_ CRITICK, CANKER, HEARTLY, HARRIET _and Sir_ PATRICK)

_Lady._ Well, I protest Mr. Canker, I am surprized at your Judgment.

You will certainly be laughed at by all the Polite part of the World.

_Cank._ Madam, I hold the Vulgar in as much Contempt as I do the Rabble in the Shilling Gallery; both Herds are ignorant, and praise and condemn, or censure or applau[d], not from a Judgment in the Art, which should be the Director, but from the ignorant Dictates of Nature: mere Affection, like Moliere's old Woman.

_Heart._ Well, for my Part, I shall always prefer the irregular Genius who from mere Affection compels me to laugh or cry, to the regular Blockhead who makes me sleep according to Rule.

_Cank._ Have a Care, Mr. Heartly, none but the Ignorant ever despised Rules.

_Heart._ Nor none but the ill natured or the envious ever judged by the Extremity of Rules. And the laws of Criticism like the Penal Laws should be explained in a favourable Sense lest the Critick like the Judge should be suspected of Cruelty or Malice against the Criminal.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Sir, I think you talk mighty reasonably. I think there should be no Law [at] all, and then everybody might do what they please.

_Trif._ Right, right, Sir Patrick! Liberty and Property, I say--demme I am not for Criticks--your Homers and your Virgils--and your c.o.ke upon Littleton, and a parcel of Fellows--who talk of Nothing but G.o.ds and G.o.ddesses--and a Story of a c.o.c.k and a Bull--as hard to be understood as a Welch Pedigree.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, so they are very hard! And that Milton's a strange Fellow too--_he has got a devilish sight of Devils along with him that n.o.body knows any thing of but himself_--the Devil a one of 'em all I know but one--and that was old Belzebub--you know we have often heard of him, for he was Lucifer's Wife.

_Trif._ For my Part I a.s.sure you I never could understand Milton.

_Sir Pat._ Nor I, upon my Honour, Mr. Trifle--tho' I admire him greatly, him and Shakespear are my Favourites, but I could never understand them.

_Trif._ O Shakespear--old Shakespear--O Shakespear is a clever Fellow, ay, ay,--I admire Shakespear to the Skies--I understand him very well, Sir Patrick.

_Lady._ Mr. Canker, finding fault in general is unfair.

_Cank._ Madam, if you will hear me, I will come to particulars and if I don't convince you, and all the Company that it is void of Plot, Character, Wit, Humour, Manners, and Moral, I will ever after submit to be thought as ignorant as I now think those Criticks are who so much admire it.

_Nib._ As to his want of Manners, that I think is as obvious as Mathematical Demonstration--was there ever anything so rude as to bring the Character of our Friend Jack Maggot on the Stage, who is a young Fellow of Family and Fortune, and as well known about Town as I am, and is as good natured and as inoffensive a Creature as ever travelled. I vow as soon as ever I saw him come upon the Stage, I was shocked.--It was vastly unpolite to introduce a young Fellow of his Figure in Life upon a publick Theatre--I suppose he will bring some of our Characters on the Stage in his next Play--if he does I protest I'll make a party to hiss it.

_Lady._ You may be mistaken, Mr. Nibble, i[t] may be a general and not a particular Character that is meant by Mr. Maggot.

_Cank._ Madam, Mr. Nibble's Observation is just, and it is impossible he can be mistaken. For my part, I know Jack Maggot as well as I do myself, or as I do who is meant by Mr. Strictland.

_Heart._ Mr. Canker, this is most invidious Criticism and what the best Writers from Fools and Knaves are most liable to. But instead of injuring, it serves an Author with the Judicious; for it only proves the Copies to be so highly finished that Ignorance and Malice compliment them as known Originals.

_Lady._ I protest, Mr. Heartly, I think you quite right in your Answer, and if Mr. Canker has nothing more Material to offer against the Play, he will be very Singular in his Censure.

_Cank._ Pray what does your Ladyship think of his Ladder of Ropes?

_Lady._ Why lookee, Mr. Canker, he may have transgressed probability by it, I grant you--but I will forgive an Author such Transgressions at any time when it is productive of so much Mirth.

_Heart._ Judiciously observed, my Lady.

_Trif._ Well, by gad, I like the Ladder of Ropes of all things.

_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour so do I.

_Nib._ Well, I vow I think they are vastly absurd. Pray what do you think, Miss Harriet?

_Har._ I think it is a very simple and a very probable Machine, and productive of many happy Incidents, every one of which naturall[y]

arise[s] out of each other, and have this peculiar Beauty, which other Incidents upon the Stage have not, that each of them begins with a Surprize that raises your Anxiety and ends with a turn the least unexpected, which could you have foreseen, would have been what you would have wished.

_Lady._ Very nicely distinguished, Harriet; I protest that is the greatest Encomium I have heard of the Play yet.

_Heart._ And the justest, Madam.

_Cank._ O intolerable! Monstrous! Shocking! Such Ignorance! (_Aside_) Pray Madam, not to mention the improbability, where was the Necessity for a Ladder of Ropes?

_Sir Pat._ What Necessity? Arra why do you ask such a foolish Question? I'll tell you what Necessity--Why it was put there for the young Man, the Templer, to go up Stairs into the House.

_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha, ha!

_Heart._ Very well explained, Sir Patrick; it is a proper Answer.

_Cank._ But pray, Ladies--I speak to you in particular, who best know the Nature of the Question I am going to ask--how can you justify the impoliteness of making Clarinda, a Lady of Fashion and Fortune, in full dress trudge the streets at twelve o'Clock at Night in Contradiction to all Reason, Probability, and Politeness?