A Sketch Of What You Mean To Me Part 18

'You don't have healing powers either.' She clenched her jaw, nodded at me and closed the door. I just stood there, looking at the stripe of non-see-through gla.s.s, feeling lost. Was it so bad with Lucy? Was the trip to Lake Gorge perhaps even a trigger that she felt so bad now? I walked back to my car and kicked the door of the pa.s.senger's side. Then, I swore and hobbled to the driver's side. My heartbeat quickened and I suddenly felt sick. It was as if there wasn't enough air in the car. I rolled down the window. Lucy was dying. I knew it then. All these signs but I didn't want to see them. I mean, I felt like I was about to die a few times but I always had an upwards b.u.mp between problem stretches. But since I met Lucy, she only seemed to get worse, long pa.s.sing what I thought was her lowest point. That night, I didn't want to face anybody. I locked myself in my room. Funnily, two more letters from Fiona had arrived. They felt so out of place now. As if I was reading letters that were addressed to somebody else, their content was so far from fitting into my life.

Hey Kevin!

How have you been? Switzerland is coming close to an end. Yesterday, we spent in Zurich. We walked along the Bahnhofstra.s.se, where all the expensive stores are. We only bought chocolate :) If you behave nicely, I'll try not to eat all of it on the rest of our journey :) The part along the river is beautiful and we sat down in a cafe in the old town. We met some guys who told us where we should go out in the evening. So, we actually ended up in a club and danced until they turned the lights on at 5 am and they threw us out. I guess we could have saved that money from the youth hostel...It was a fun night though!

From Zurich, we took a one-hour train ride to St. Gallen. Amanda's family recommended that town to us and we found a Couchsurfer to stay with. Alexandra was so sweet and she had a whole sightseeing program planned out for us. First, we went into the center of town, where there is a big cathedral. We could go inside. You know that I'm not extremely churchy but I have to admit that it's a beautiful building. Probably the best church I've seen from the inside so far.

Afterward, we had lunch in town. Alexandra insisted on it that we ate a Drm (a Kebab in a wrap). It's like the Turkish form of gyros. It was delicious. Then, we were invigorated to climb on a hill. No, we actually took a little cable car to get up there because we were too tired for the stairs ;) Up there we found 3 ponds and a beautiful view over the city. We saw down to the Lake of Constance and the border of Germany! That's where we are going tomorrow :) We stayed on the hill for a while and even went into the water. In the evening, Alexandra had to go to her dancing cla.s.s but she was fine with just leaving us at her apartment. We told her that we were tired and so I took the opportunity to write to you, but I think I'll also catch up on some sleep now.Good night.

I miss you <>

Fiona Attached to the letter was a postcard with a picture of the monastery of St. Gallen. I taped it to the building section of my postcards above my bed. Then, like on autopilot, I dedicated my attention to the second letter.

Hey Kev!

Munich is a nice city, too and although it's not the Oktoberfest now, there are traces of it everywhere. I think dirndls are the official dress code for women working in a restaurant. Of course we had a pretzel with weisswurst and a beer. I like the white beer here. Today, I even had one which they mixed with c.o.ke and it was delicious!

Finding our hostel is a funny story. We were pretty sure that we were in the right street but the building that was supposed to be our cheap youth hostel looked like a huge, beautiful mansion. So, we walked around the building once and with a closer look, we decided that this probably was some kind of hospital. But when we didn't find anything else, we went inside to ask for directions. And believe it or not but this was our youth hostel. It's an old school of which they turned the two top floors into dorms for travelers. This morning, when we got up and wanted to go sightseeing, we had to make our way through a cl.u.s.ter of first graders :).

In the old town we visited the market, and then we went into a Jewish 2nd world war museum. The pictures were pretty impressive and the objects very interesting. Anyway, I was glad when we left that place again. It was a little depressing. So, in a few hours, we're boarding our night train to Prague. I'm so excited for so many people on our trip have told us how great that city is.

See you in 11 days!

*hug & kiss*

Fiona I snorted. I had some pretty depressing thoughts on my mind as well. But the difference was that I couldn't just walk out on these thoughts.

My mom knocked on my door. 'Kevin, I called three times. Dinner is ready.'

'Not hungry.'

I heard her hover in front of the door. 'You have to eat. Especially for you it's important to keep a regular and healthy diet.'

'But I'm just not hungry today.' I groaned.

'What happened?' She asked through the closed door.

I buried my face in the pillow.

'Kevin, I'm worried about you. Please, open the door.'

'This isn't about me.' I yelled through the pillow.

My mom shook on the door handle a few times. 'I didn't hear you.'

'This isn't about me.' I said weakly.

'What then?'

'I think Lucy is dying.' Tears started to stream down my face.

I heard something slide along the door. My mother sat on the floor in front of it.

'I'm sorry.' I heard her whisper.

There's nothing else that could be said, was there?

11 days. That's when Fiona sent the letter. Now it would only be five and then I'd go pick her up at the airport again. I wondered how that was going to be when Fiona was back. She'd truly be back for once. For almost two months. A doubt crept up on me. Would we still work together? Now, that my mind was so preoccupied with Lucy, how could I finally be happy with Fiona and enjoy the time we have?

I met Eric for a sandwich lunch near the construction site.

'How's the team?' I asked him.

'Good. You should come and say hi. Most of the guys you still know as well.'

'Maybe I will. I actually feel like I could work now as well.'

'I'm pretty sore. Perhaps you should start with something lighter.'

I stared at him in disbelieve. 'Are you my doctor or what?'

'No.' He frowned. 'I just want you to get better and not overstrain yourself.'

'I feel good.' I insisted.

'I'm happy to hear that.' He smiled. 'So, where is Fiona now?' He changed the subject.

'Munich.' I sighed. 'She wrote me that she was drinking beer, legally. That made it hard not to drown in self-pity that I can't be there.'

'Let her have some fun. I think it's nice that she writes so much although she is on holidays. Besides, I'm sure your mom would let us have a beer at home.'

'That wouldn't be the same.' I replied matter-of-factly.

Eric shrugged. 'Are you p.i.s.sed at something specific or just in general?'

I looked at him in confusion. 'I'm not p.i.s.sed.'

'You surely aren't leaping out of happiness either.'

I pressed my lips together.

'Did something happen at Lake George?'

I felt a pang in my heart because this provoked several memories with Lucy. Happy memories, which would only remain in the past.

'No.' My voice cracked. I cleared my throat. 'But Lucy isn't doing too well. Her parents don't even let me see her.'

'Oh.' Eric had a sympathetic look in his eyes.

'Right now, I can't even be happy that Fiona comes back soon. How am I supposed to be happy with her, thinking the whole time that I should be with Lucy and be supporting her somehow?'

'You can't be both and you don't have to be.' He crushed the paper of his sandwich into a ball. 'After I learned that you were sick, I didn't know either, whether I should just be here with you all the time or if I would be disloyal if I wasn't sad all the time as well.'

'Don't be ridiculous.'

'Seriously, that's what I thought. And now it seems to me that you are in the same situation.'

I wouldn't want anyone to be unhappy because of me. I turned to face Eric, with whom I shared several mud fights and destroyed and rebuilt forts for knights. 'When did our conversations become so grown up?'

He shook his head. 'Right. Didn't we just start High School and were worried about not being cool enough?'

'Hah, I was always cool enough.' I smiled.

At home, I felt ready to reply to Fiona's letter.

Subject: Beer h.e.l.lo my dear Five more days and you are here. That was a rhyme J Now that I added "I have the legal drinking age" to my "why I should go to Europe" list, the list is outweighing the fact that my doctors told me not to fly or go too far away from the hospital. Compared to Christmas, I feel so healthy now, I really don't understand why I still have to be handled with so much care. But I guess they should know better. It's because chemo and radiation might have left permanent damage and they just want to keep a close eye on me at the moment.

Were you drunk or did you just drink a little? In moments like these, I feel like I'm frozen in a coffin and the world keeps spinning despite that.

Well, see you very soon.

xoxoxo Kev It got to the point that Lucy was so weak, that she had to move back into the hospital. At least, now her parents allowed me to visit her. When I arrived in her room, she was propped up on pillows, without wearing a bandana, twisting a Rubik's cube.

'This morning, I had the yellow side and now I managed to get the red side.' She showed me the cube excitedly. 'But I never get further than one side.' Lucy sighed. 'It's impossible.'

'Good to see you talking.' I said and made a mental note to myself that I would google it and perhaps find a solution for the cube. She looked tired with dark circles under her eyes. Otherwise, her skin was almost translucent.

'Don't let yourself get fooled by this short improvement. I won't make it much longer.' She let go of a long breath and closed her eyes for a moment.

'I didn't want to believe that it was so bad.' I said quietly. I sat in the chair next to her bed and softly stroke my fingers through her silky hair which had grown back a little more since our trip to Lake George. 'I need you, Lucy.' My voice cracked. I wanted to be able to freeze time or just to do something that would let Lucy stay here. I felt so extremely helpless. I didn't want to imagine not being able to talk to Lucy anymore. She was the only person who really understood what I was going through. I had tried my best to make her feel better, too and every time I got a smile or even laughter from her or any other sign of a step towards health, my body screamed inwardly out of victory. But ironically, it worked the other way around. Lucy was my remedy. I got healthier whereas she got sicker. As if there wasn't enough s.p.a.ce in this world for the two of us and one of us had to leave. Who got to decide that it had to be her? I was about to burst from all the sadness inside me and so I climbed into bed next to her to hug her against me as tightly as possible without crushing her fragile body.

'I'm glad you are here.' She whispered. 'I don't only need you, Kevin, I love you. To me you mean more than anything in this world and no one has ever made me feel like this before.' She was speaking very slowly. Every word demanded a huge amount of energy. Yet, I let her speak and clung to every sound she made. I wanted to register the way her lips moved when she formed the words and so I waited because it sounded as if the "but" part was yet to come.

'But I knew from the beginning that it would come to this and I actually rather have it this way. The week you met me was the end of my third round of treatment. Nothing worked. I knew that it would just be a matter of time from then on. Thanks to you, I have some really good memories for my last few months in this life.' She traced the back of her fingers along my cheek. 'It's nice that you spend so much time with me but you love Fiona and once you two fall into a normal rhythm again, you will be fine without me.'

I drew back in shock and sat up. How could she bring up Fiona's name in such a moment?

Lucy continued, ignoring my reaction. 'I know that you kept every single letter that she sent and that you read them over and over again because the paper appeared more battered every time I got a chance to have a look on your desk. And you still have all the pictures of her in your room. Plus, I know that you think about her all the time. Maybe you tried not to and in case you did, you really suck at it. You think I didn't notice that distant look which so often swept over your eyes. It's her you wander to in your mind. And one day it would have come down to it that she'd made you decide between me or her and you'd have chosen her. We're great friends and that's worth a lot but it's her you want to be with in your real life. Outside of the hospital.'

'But this is real too.' I cut off that spate of nonsense. 'This, right here,' I patted on my heart, 'it hurts so much. I don't want to lose you. You don't have to play this down now. I don't want you to die.' I croaked hoa.r.s.ely.

The ever slightest smile played in the corners of her mount. 'I'm ready, Kev. I could prepare myself for a long time.'

I tried to wipe them away but the tears started flooding now.

'Just don't forget about me.' She said.

I shook my head and blinked at her through my wet eyelashes.

'I won't. That I know. How could I forget my sweet Lucy? Perhaps we haven't known each other for a long time but from the beginning, I felt like we've had a connection that has started way before I actually built up the nerve to talk to you on that bench in the park.'

'So, you were nervous before talking to me, weren't you?' She said, satisfied.

'Me, no, I'm never nervous.' I swallowed. 'Is there anything I can do for you?'

'I'm too tired for anything. But my mom sometimes reads to me now. Perhaps, you could read on a little?'

'Sure, anything.' I picked up the book, relieved that she had something to do for me.

I read for about half an hour in Cecelia Ahern's "If you could see me now". Then, said Lucy's name a few times because she looked like she had fallen asleep but she didn't respond. I closed the book and played around with the Rubik's cube for a while, not getting any further than she did. Then, her mom came to take over.

She nodded at me and sat down in the chair on the other side of the bed. 'She only talked about you with praising words.' Her mom said.

I nodded and chewed the inside of my cheek.

'We were afraid that you'd strain her too much. All she did before was reading. And we didn't want you to have to get hurt as well.' She was more speaking to the wall than to me. 'But you were good for her.'

'Unfortunately not good enough.' I responded. 'But she surely made my days here more interesting as well.'

Her mom gave me a grateful smile. Then she said: 'You don't have to stay now. I'll call you if anything changes.'

I understood that she wanted to be alone with her and so I left. I returned the next day with the solutions for the Rubik's cube.

'Unbelievable, there actually is a system to this?' She shook her head.

'I guess math wasn't your strongest subject.' I smiled. I told her then how to move the cubes until we had three sides.

'Hm, cool.' She looked at it and then placed it on the bedside table. 'I'll do the rest another time. How about some more reading? We're almost done with the book.'

I read for a bit when I suddenly realized that tears were streaming down Lucy's face.

'What's wrong?' I asked worriedly.

She just shook her head and cried some more. It took a while until she had calmed down enough to talk.

'He has to disappear again. It's just not fair. Finally, she found someone she loves and he loves her back and now he has to leave.'

I had to laugh and hugged her again, glad that nothing was wrong with her. Unbelievable that she was crying over a book. Women, I could only shake my head.

Two days before Fiona got back I received another letter.

Dobry den!

Kevin, I can already tell you that we're going back to this city one day! Prague is awesome!!! The buildings are so nice and there are cute lanterns and bridges everywhere. Plus, the food and the drinks simply are so extremely cheap, every time we receive a bill it's a pleasure to look at it J.

We walked up the long stairway to the castle and watched as the guards changed. You could take pictures with them, like in London and Amanda took a very funny looking one of me.

Then, we took a cruise on the river and once we had dinner in a very elegant looking restaurant right by the river but again, it was very much affordable.