A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xi Part 40

FEE. I thank you heartily.

WELL. 'Sheart! speak smaller, man.

FEE. I thank you heartily.

COUNT. You're going to this gear too, Master Bold?

Um, um, um!

BOLD. Not to your coughing[138] gear, My lord. Though I be not so old or rich As your lordship, yet I love a young wench as well.

WELL. As well as my lord? nay by my faith, That you do not love a young wench as well as he: I wonder you will be unmannerly to say so.

COUNT. Faith, Master Welltried, troth is I love them well, but they love not me, um, um. You see what ill-luck I have with them, um, um. A pox o'

this cold, still say I.

WELL. Where got you this cold, my lord? it can get in nowhere, that I can see, but at your nostrils or eyes; all the other parts are so barricadoed with fur.

FEE. It got In at his eyes, and made that birdlime there, Where Cupid's wings do hang entangled.

COUNT. Is this your wife, that, um, um, um--shall be?

Master Bold, I'll be so bold as kiss her.

[WIDOW _and_ BOLD _whisper aside_.

FEE. Sir, forbear: I have one bold enough to kiss my lips. O old c.o.xcomb! kiss thine own natural son: 'tis worse than a Justice's lying with his own daughter. But, Master Welltried, when will the widow break this matter to me? [COUNT _sits in a chair, and falls asleep_.

WELL. Not till the very close of all: she dissembles it yet, because my lord, your father, is here, and her other suitor Bold.

FEE. That's all one; he's o' th' plot o' my side.

WID. 'Tis needless, Master Bold; but I will do Anything you require to satisfy you.

Why should you doubt I will forbid the banns, For so your friend here told me? I should rather Doubt that you will not marry.

BOLD. Madam, by heaven, As fully I am resolv'd to marry now, And will too, if you do not hinder it, As ever lover was; only because The world has taken notice of some pa.s.sage 'Twixt you and me, and then to satisfy My sweetheart here, who (poor soul!) is afraid, To have some public disgrace put upon her, I do require some small thing at your hands.

WID. Well, I will do it; and this profess besides; Married, you shall as welcome be to me As mine own brother; and yourself, fair lady, Even as myself, both to my board and bed.

WELL. Ah, ah! how like you that?

FEE. Now she begins.

Abundant thanks unto your widowhood.

Zounds! my father's asleep on's wedding-day: I wonder'd, where his cough was all this while.

_Enter_ INGEN, _like a doctor: a_ PARSON, BROTHER, LORD PROUDLY, SELDOM, MISTRESS SELDOM, HUSBAND, WIFE, _and_ SUBTLE.

INGEN. I pray, forbear the chamber: noise does hurt her; Her sickness I guess rather of the mind Than of her body, for her pulse beats well; Her vital functions not decay'd a whit, But have their natural life and operation.

My lord, be cheer'd, I have an ingredient About me shall make her well, I doubt not.

In, master parson: it shall be yours to[139] pray; The soul's physician should have still the way.

[_Exit_ INGEN; PARSON _shuts the door_.

WID. How cheers she, pray?

WIFE. In troth, exceeding ill.

MRS SEL. A very weak woman indeed she is, and surely I think cannot 'scape it.

HUS. Did you mark how she eyed the physician?

WIFE. O G.o.d, ay, she is very loth to die.

MRS SEL. Ay; that's ne'er the better sign, I can tell you.

SUB. And when the parson came to her, she turned Away, and still let the physician hold Her by the hand.

BOLD. But see what thought the bridegroom takes.

My conscience knows, now, this is A most preposterous match; yet for the commodity, We wink at all inconveniency.

My lord! my lord!

COUNT. Um, um, um! I beshrew you for waking of me; now shall I have such a fit of coughing, um, um!--

BOLD. O hapless wife, that shall have thee, that either must let thee sleep continually, or be kept waking herself by the cough.

WID. You have a proper gentleman to your son, my lord: he were fitter for this young lady than you.

WELL. D'ye mark that again?

FEE. O sweet widow!

COUNT. He a wife! he a fool's head of his own.

FEE. No, of my father's.

COUNT. What should he do with a ---- um, um!

WIFE. What, with a cough? why, he would spit, and that's more than you can do.

PROUDLY. Your bride, my lord, is dead.

COUNT. Marry, ev'n G.o.d be with her; grief will not help it: um, um, um!

BRO. A most excellent spouse.

PROUDLY. How fares she, master doctor?

Zounds! what's here?

BOLD, WID., WELL., FEE. Heyday!

HUS., WIFE, SEL., MRS SEL., SUB. How now?

[_Looking in at the window._