A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Xi Part 27

PAGE. Marry, my lord, she said her old husband had a great payment to make this morning, and had not left her so much as a jewel.

PROUDLY. A pox of her old cat's chaps! The teeth she had Have made a transmigration into hair: She hath a bigger beard than I, by this light.

[LORD _whispers to_ GRACE.

SEL. This custom in us citizens is good: Thus walking off, when men talk with our wives; It shows us courteous and mannerly.

Some count it baseness; he's a fool that does so.

It is the highest point of policy, Especially when we have virtuous wives.

GRACE. Fie, fie! you talk uncivilly, my lord.

PROUDLY. Uncivilly, mew! Can a lord talk uncivilly? I think you, a finical taffata pipkin, may be proud I'll sit so near it. Uncivilly, mew!

GRACE. Your mother's cat has kittened in your mouth, sure.

PROUDLY. Prythee, but note yon fellow. Does he not walk and look as if he did desire to be a cuckold?

GRACE. But you do not look as if you could make him one. Now they have dined, my lord.

_Enter_ LORD FEESIMPLE _and_ WELLTRIED.

FEE. G.o.d save your lordship.

PROUDLY. How dost thou, coz? Hast thou got any more wit yet?

FEE. No, by my troth, I have But little money with that little wit I have, And the more wit ever the less money; Yet as little as I have of either, I would give something that I durst but quarrel: I would not be abus'd thus daily as I am.

WELL. Save you, my lord.

PROUDLY. Good Master Welltried, you can inform me: pray, how ended the quarrel betwixt young Bold and the other gentleman?

WELL. Why, very fairly, my lord; on honourable terms. Young Bold was injured and did challenge him, fought in the field, and the other gave him satisfaction under his hand. I was Bold's second, and can show it here.

PROUDLY. 'Tis strange there was no hurt done, yet I hold The other gentleman far the better man.

WELL. So do not I.

PROUDLY. Besides, they say the satisfaction that walks in the ordinaries is counterfeit.

WELL. He lies that say so, and I'll make it good.

And for I know my friend is out of town, What man soever wrongs him is my foe.

I say he had full satisfaction, Nay, that which we may call submission; That the other sought peace first; and who denies this, Lord, knight or gentleman: English, French or Scot, I'll fight and prove it on him with my sword.

FEE. No, sweet Master Welltried, let's have no fighting, till (as you have promised) you have rid me from this foolish fear, and taught me to endure to look upon a naked sword.

WELL. Well, and I'll be as good as my word.

FEE. But do you hear, cousin Proudly? They say my old father must marry your sister Honour, and that he will disinherit me, and entail all his lordships on her and the heir he shall beget on her body. Is't true or not?

PROUDLY. There is such a report.

FEE. Why, then I pray G.o.d he may die an old cuckoldy slave.

O world, what art thou? where is parent's love?

Can he deny me for his natural child?

Yet see (O fornicator!) old and stiff, Not where he should be, that's my comfort yet.

As for you, my lord, I will send to you as soon as I dare fight, and look upon steel; which, Master Welltried (I pray) let be with all possible speed.

PROUDLY. What d'ye this afternoon?

FEE. Faith, I have a great mind to see Long Meg and the Ship at the Fortune.[90]

PROUDLY. Nay, i' faith, let's up and have a rest at primero.

WELL. Agreed, my lord; and toward the evening I'll carry you to the company.

FEE. Well, no more words.

[_Exeunt_ LORD PROUDLY, LORD FEESIMPLE, _and_ WELLTRIED.[91]

GRACE. I wonder, sir, you will walk so, and let anybody sit prating to your wife. Were I a man, I'd thrust 'em out o' th' shop by the head and shoulders.

SEL. There were no policy in that, wife; so should I lose my custom. Let them talk themselves weary, and give thee love-tokens--still I lose not by it.

Thy chast.i.ty's impregnable, I know it.

Had I a dame, whose eyes did swallow youth, Whose unchaste gulf together did take in Masters and men, the footboys and their lords, Making a gallimaufry in her blood, I would not walk thus then: but, virtuous wife, He that in chaste ears pours his ribald talk Begets hate to himself, and not consent; And even as dirt, thrown hard against a wall, Rebounds and sparkles in the thrower's eyes, So ill words, utter'd to a virtuous dame, Turn and defile the speaker with red shame. [_Exeunt._

SCENE II.

_Enter_ HUSBAND _and_ WIFE.

HUS. Zounds! you're a wh.o.r.e; though I entreat him fair Before his face, in compliment or so, I not esteem him truly as this rush.

There's no such thing as friendship in the world, And he that cannot swear, dissemble, lie, Wants knowledge how to live, and let him die.

WIFE. Sir, I did think you had esteem'd of him, As you made show; therefore I us'd him well, And yet not so, but that the strictest eye I durst have made a witness of my carriage.

HUS. Plague o' your carriage! why, he kiss'd your hand, Look'd babies in your eyes, and wink'd and pink'd.

You thought I had esteem'd him! 'Sblood. you wh.o.r.e!

Do not I know that you do know you lie?

When didst thou hear me say and mean one thing?

O, I could kick you now, and tear your face, And eat thy b.r.e.a.s.t.s like udders.

WIFE. Sir, you may, But if I know what hath deserv'd all this, I am no woman: 'cause he kiss'd my hand Unwillingly?

HUS. A little louder, pray.

WIFE. You are a base fellow, an unworthy man, As e'er poor gentlewoman match'd withal.

Why should you make such show of love to any Without the truth? thy beastly mind is like Some decay'd tradesman, that doth make his wife Entertain those for gain he not endures.

Pish! swell and burst: I had rather with thy sword Be hew'd to pieces, than lead such a life.

Out with it, valiant sir: I hold you for A drawer upon women, not on men.

I will no more conceal your hollow heart, But e'en report you as you are in truth.