A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Ix Part 83

PHA. Foh, foh, what a smell is here! Is this one of your delightful objects?

OLF. It is your only scent in request, sir.

COM. SEN. What fiery fellow is that, which smokes so much in the mouth?

OLF. It is the great and puissant G.o.d of Tobacco.

TOB. _Ladoch guevarroh pufuer shelvaro baggon, Olfia di quanon, Indi cortilo vraggon_.

PHA. Ha, ha, ha, ha! this, in my opinion, is the tongue of the Antipodes.

MEM. No, I remember it very well, it was the language the Arcadians spake that lived long before the moon.

COM. SEN. What signifies it, Olfactus?

OLF. This is the mighty Emperor Tobacco, king of Trinidado, that, in being conquered, conquered all Europe, in making them pay tribute for their smoke.

TOB. _Erfronge inglues conde hesingo, Develin floscoth ma pu cocthingo_.

OLF. Expeller of catarrhs, banisher of all agues, your guts' only salve for the green wounds of a _non-plus_.

TOB. _All vulcam vercu, I parda pora si de gratam, ka famala mora, che Bauho respartera, quirara_.

OLF. Son to the G.o.d Vulcan and Tellus, kin to the father of mirth, called Bacchus.

TOB. _Viscardonok, pillostuphe, pascano tinaromagas, Pagi dagon stollisinfe, carocibato scribas_.

OLF. Genius of all swaggerers, professed enemy to physicians, sweet ointment for sour teeth, firm knot of good fellowship, adamant of company, swift wind to spread the wings of time, hated of none but those that know him not, and of so great deserts that, whoso is acquainted with him can hardly forsake him.

PHA. It seems these last words were very significant. I promise you, a G.o.d of great denomination; he may be my Lord Tappes for his large t.i.tles[291].

COM. SEN. But forward, Olfactus, as they have done before you, with your description?

OLF. Just in the midst of Cephalon's round face, As 'twere a frontispiece unto the hill, Olfactus' lodging built in figure long, Doubly disparted with two precious vaults, The roofs whereof most richly are enclos'd With orient pearls and sparkling diamonds Beset at th'end with emerauds and turchis[292], And rubies red and flaming chrysolites, At upper end whereof, in costly manner, I lay my head between two spongeous pillows, Like fair Adonis 'twixt the paps of Venus, Where I, conducting in and out the wind, Daily examine all the air inspir'd By my pure searching, if that it be pure, And fit to serve the lungs with lively breath: Hence do I likewise minister perfume[s]

Unto the neighbour brain--perfumes of force To cleanse your head, and make your fancy bright, To refine wit and sharp[293] invention, And strengthen memory: from whence it came, That old devotion incense did ordain To make man's spirit more apt for things divine.

Besides a thousand more commodities, In lieu whereof your lordships I request, Give me the crown, if I deserve it best.

[OLFACTUS _leads his company about the stage, and goes out_.

SCAENA QUINTA.

_The Bench as before. A page with a shield Argent, an ape proper with an apple; then_ GUSTUS _with a cornucopia in his hand_.

BACCHUS _in a garland of leaves and grapes, a white suit, and over it a thin sarcenet to his foot, in his hand a spear wreathed with vine leaves, on his arm a target with a tiger_. CERES _with a crown of ears of corn, in a yellow silk robe, a bunch of poppy in her hand, a scutcheon charged with a dragon_.

COM. SEN. In good time, Gustus. Have you brought your objects?

GUS. My servant Appet.i.tus followeth with them.

APP. Come, come, Bacchus, you are so fat; enter, enter.

PHA. Fie, fie, Gustus! this is a great indecorum to bring Bacchus alone; you should have made Thirst lead him by the hand.

GUS. Right, sir; but men nowadays drink often when they be not dry; besides, I could not get red herrings and dried neats' tongues enough to apparel him in.

COM. SEN. What, never a speech of him?

GUS. I put an octave of iambics in his mouth, and he hath drunk it down.

APP. Well done, muscadine and eggs stand hot. What, b.u.t.tered claret? go thy way, thou hadst best; for blind men that cannot see how wickedly thou look'st--How now, what small, thin fellow are you here? ha?

BOY. Beer, forsooth: Beer, forsooth.

APP. Beer forsooth, get you gone to the b.u.t.tery, till I call for you; you are none of Bacchus's attendants, I am sure; he cannot endure the smell of malt. Where's Ceres? O, well, well, is the march-pane broken?

Ill luck, ill luck! Come hang't, never stand to set it together again.

Serve out fruit there.

[_Enter boys with a banquet, marmalade, sweets, &c.; deliver it round among the gentlewomen, and go out_.]

What, do you come with roast-meat after apples? Away with it. Digestion, serve out cheese. What, but a pennyworth! It is just the measure of his nose that sold it! Lamb's wool, the meekest meat in the world; 'twill let any man fleece it. Snapdragon there!

MEM. O, I remember this dish well: it was first invented by Pluto, to entertain Proserpina withal.

PHA. I think not so, Memory; for when Hercules had killed the flaming dragon of Hesperia with the apples of that orchard, he made this fiery meat; in memory whereof he named it Snapdragon.

COM. SEN. Gustus, let's hear your description?

GUS. Near to the lowly base of Cephalon, My house is plac'd not much unlike a cave: Yet arch'd above by wondrous workmanship, With hewen stones wrought smoother and more fine Than jet or marble fair from Iceland brought.

Over the door directly doth incline A fair percullis of compacture strong, To shut out all that may annoy the state Or health of Microcosm; and within Is spread a long board like a pliant tongue, At which I hourly sit, and trial take Of meats and drinks needful and delectable: Twice every day do I provision make For the sumptuous kitchen of the commonwealth; Which, once well-boil'd, is soon distributed To all the members, well refreshing them With good supply of strength-renewing food.

Should I neglect this nursing[294] diligence, The body of the realm would ruinate; Yourself, my lord, with all your policies And wondrous wit, could not preserve yourself: Nor you, Phantastes; nor you, Memory.

Psyche herself, were't not that I repair Her crazy house with props of nourishment, Would soon forsake us: for whose dearest sake Many a grievous pain have I sustain'd By bitter pills and sour purgations; Which if I had not valiantly abiden, She had been long ere this departed.

Since the whole Microcosm I maintain, Let me, as Prince, above the Senses reign.

COM. SEN. The reasons you urge, Gustus, breed a new doubt, whether it be commodious or necessary, the resolution whereof I refer to your judgment, licensing you meanwhile to depart.

[GUSTUS _leads his show about the stage, and goes out_.

SCAENA s.e.xTA.

_The Bench as before_; TACTUS, _a page before him bearing his scutcheon, a tortoise Sable_.

TAC. Ready anon, forsooth! the devil she will!

Who would be toil'd with wenches in a show?