A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Vi Part 65

SIMPLICITY.

Cushions? Alas! it were pity to sit on such fine cushions. But come, my boys, if you'll buy any of my wares, here's my stall, and I'll open and show straight.

WEALTH.

What dainty fine ballad have you now to be sold?

SIMPLICITY.

Marry, child, I have _Chipping-Norton, a mile from Chapel o' th' Heath --a lamentable ballad of burning the Pope's dog; the sweet ballad of the Lincolnshire bagpipes_[238]; and _Peggy and w.i.l.l.y:--But now he is dead and gone: Mine own sweet w.i.l.l.y is laid in his grave. La, la, la, lan ti dan derry, dan da dan, lan ti dan, dan tan derry, dan do_.

WIT.

It is a doleful discourse, and sung as dolefully.

SIMPLICITY.

Why, you cannot mend it, can ye?

WIT.

What will you lay on that? for I myself dare lay six groats to six of your bald ballads, that you yourself shall say I sing better than you.

SIMPLICITY.

What a brag-boy is this, to comparison with a man! But, boy, boy, I will not lay six ballads to six groats, but I will lay six ballads to six jerks at your b.u.t.tocks, that you shall not sing so well as I.

WIT.

That I shall not? No! possible, you will not let me sing?

SIMPLICITY.

I not let you! Is that spoken like Wit? It is spoken like a woodc.o.c.k: how can I stay thee, if thou wilt sing out thy throat?

WIT.

Well, then, to our bargain: six ballads to six stripes, and who shall keep stakes?

SIMPLICITY.

Neither of your companions; for that's, ask my fellow, if I be a thief.

WILL.

Will you keep the stakes yourself?

SIMPLICITY.

Best of all, for I mean plainly, and will pay, if I lose. Here's my six ballads: they be ready. Now, how shall I come by your six stripes, boy?

WIT.

Down with your breeches, I'll fetch a rod and deliver them straight.

SIMPLICITY.

Nay, then, I care not, if thou keep stakes.

WIT.

You speak too late, gaffer, having challenged preheminence.

SIMPLICITY.

Then, let's lay no wager, but sing for good fellowship.

WIT.

Agreed. Who shall begin?

SIMPLICITY.

O boy! who is the elder? Hast thou not heard, give flounders to thy elder?

WIT.

You mistake the fish: trust me, I am sure 'tis give plaice; but begin with a good grace.

[_Here_ SlMP. _sings first and_ WIT _after, dialoguewise: both to music, if ye will_.

WIT.

Now, sirs, which sings best?

SIMPLICITY.

Tush, your copesmates shall not judge.

Friend, what say you? which of us sings best?

[_To one of the auditory_.

WILL.

To say truth, there's but a bad choice. How will you sell the ballad you sang, for I'll not buy the voice?

SIMPLICITY.

Why wilt thou not buy my voice?

WILL.

Because it will cost me more money to buy sallet-oil to keep it from rusting, than it is worth. But, I pray ye, honest man, what's this?

SIMPLICITY.

Read, and thou shalt see.

WILL.

I cannot read.

SIMPLICITY.

Not read, and brought up in London! Went'st thou never to school?

WILL.

Yes, but I would not learn.

SIMPLICITY.

Thou wast the more fool. If thou cannot read, I'll tell thee. This is Tarlton's picture. Didst thou never know Tarlton?[239]

WILL.

No: what was that Tarlton? I never knew him.

SIMPLICITY.

What was he? A prentice in his youth of this honourable city, G.o.d be with him. When he was young, he was leaning to the trade that my wife useth now, and I have used, _vide lice shirt_,[240] water-bearing.

I-wis, he hath toss'd a tankard in Corn-hill ere now: If thou knew'st him not, I will not call thee ingram;[241] but if thou knewest not him, thou knewest n.o.body. I warrant, here's two crack-ropes knew him.