A Select Collection of Old English Plays Volume Vi Part 54

And I pray thee, make haste in decking of thy room, That I may find thy lodging fine, when with my friend I come.

CONSCIENCE.

I'll make speed; and where I have with brooms ofttimes been roaming, I mean henceforth not to be seen, but sit to watch your coming.

[_Exit_ CONSCIENCE.

LUCRE.

O, how joyful may I be that such success do find!

No marvel, for poverty and desire of Lucre do force them follow my mind.

Now may I rejoice in full contentation, That shall marry Love with Dissimulation: And I have spotted Conscience with all abhomination.

But I forget myself, for I must to the wedding, Both vauntingly and flauntingly, although I had no bidding.

[_Exit_ LUCRE.

_Enter_ DISSIMULATION _and_ COGGING _his man, and_ SIMONY.

COGGING.

Sir, although you be my master, I would not have you to upbraid my name, But I would have you use the right skill and t.i.tle of the same: For my name is neither scogging[214] nor scragging, but ancient Cogging.

Sir, my ancestors were five of the four worthies, And yourself are of my near kin.

DISSIMULATION.

Indeed thou say'st true, for Cogging is a kinsman to Dissimulation.

But, tell me, have you taken the names of the guests?

COGGING.

Yea, sir.

DISSIMULATION.

Let me hear after what fashion.

_The names of the guests told by_ COGGING.

COGGING.

There is, first and foremost, Master Forgery and Master Flattery, Master Perjury and Master Injury: Master Cruelty and Master Pickery, Master Bribery and Master Treachery; Master Wink-at-wrong and Master Headstrong, Mistress Privy-theft And Master Deep-deceit, Master Abomination and Mistress Fornication his wife, Ferdinando False-weight and Frisset False-measure his wife.

DISSIMULATION.

Stay: Fornication and Frisset False-measure are often familiar with my Lady Lucre, and one of them she accounts her friend.

Therefore they shall sit with the bride in the middest, and the men at each end.

Let me see; there are sixteen, even as many as well near is able To dine in the summer-parlour at the playing-table; Beside my fellow Fraud, and you, fellow Simony; But I shall have a great miss of my fellow Usury.

SIMONY.

Take no care for that; he came home yesterday even, no longer: His pardon was quickly begged, and that by a courtier.

But, sirrah, since he came home, he had like to have slain Good Neighbourhood and Liberality, Had not True Friendship stepp'd between them very suddenly.

But, sirrah, he hit True Friendship such a blow on the ear, That he keeps out of all men's sight, I think[215] for shame or for fear.

DISSIMULATION.

Now, of my troth, it is a pretty jest: hath he made True Friendship hide his head?

Sure, if it be so, Good Neighbourhood and Liberality for fear are fled.

SIMONY.

But, fellow Dissimulation, tell me what priest shall marry ye!

DISSIMULATION.

Marry, that shall an old friend of mine, Master Doctor Hypocrisy.

SIMONY.

Why, will you not have Sir Peter Pleaseman to supply that want?

DISSIMULATION.

Indeed, Sir Peter is a good priest, but Doctor Hypocrisy is most ancient.

But, Cousin Cogging, I pray you go to invite the guests, And tell them that they need not disturb their quietness: Desire them to come at dinner-time, and it shall suffice, Because I know they will be loth so early to rise.

But at any hand will Doctor Hypocrisy, That he meet us at the church very early; For I would not have all the world to wonder at our match: It is an old proverb: 'Tis good having a hatch before the door, but I'll have a door before the hatch.

COGGING.

Sir, I will about it as fast as I can hie.

I'll first to that scald bald-knave Doctor Hypocrisy. [_Aside_.

[_Exit_ COGGING.

SIMONY.

But, fellow Dissimulation, how darest thou marry with Love, bearing no love at all?

For thou dost nothing but dissemble: then thy love must needs be small.

Thou canst not love but from the teeth forward.

Sure the wife that marries thee shall highly be preferr'd.

DISSIMULATION.

Tush, tush! you are a merry man: I warrant you I know what I do, And can yield a good reason for it, I may say unto you.

What, and if the world should change, and run all on her side, Then might I by her means still in good credit abide.

Thou knowest Love is ancient, and lives peaceably without any strife; Then sure the people will think well of me, because she is my wife.

SIMONY.

Trust me, thou art as crafty, to have an eye to the main-chance.

As the tailor, that out of seven yards stole one and a half of durance.[216]

He served at that time the devil in the likeness of Saint Katherine: Such tailors will thrive, that out of a doublet and a pair of hose can steal their wife an ap.r.o.n.

The doublet-sleeves three fingers were too short; The Venetians[217] came nothing near the knee.

DISSIMULATION.

Then, for to make them long enough, I pray thee what did he?

SIMONY.

Two pieces set an handful broad, to lengthen them withal; Yet for all that below the knee by no means they could fall: He, seeing that, desired the party to buy as much to make another pair: The party did: yet, for all that, he stole a quarter there.

DISSIMULATION.

Now, sure, I can him thank, he could his occupation.

My fellow Fraud would laugh to hear one dress'd of such a fashion.

But, fellow Simony, I thank you heartily, for comparing the tailor to me.

As who should say his knavery and my policy did agree.[218]

SIMONY.

Not so; but I was the willinger to tell thee, because I know it to be a true tale; And to see how artificers do extol Fraud, by whom they bear their sale.

But come, let us walk, and talk no more of this: Your policy was very good, and so, no doubt, was his.