Vain 66 Despairing Thoughts

After her interaction with Kira, Aileene was rather happy with that kind of conclusion, she was able to talk to Kira and get closer to her whilst at the same time she was also able to help in an academy event. Which she looked forward to, in the few days that had already pa.s.sed, she continued on with her life. But she was surprised she finds that so many little things could make her satisfied with her life. The soft snow, the music room in the academy, Lucian's smile, her letters from Alastair and so so much more. 

Aileene can't quite recall for how long she had been weighed down by her future and the careful choices in consideration to that future. Her goal, in the beginning, had been to merely complete the task that she had been a.s.signed by the world system. That task was to act her part as the villainess, it was simple. As the perfect antibody that she was, she took on her task with efficiency, no emotions, no attachment. But that was not the case, she couldn't control her own growth. Who could predict that she would be infected by the emotions of these NPCs? Who could predict that she would care for a game world when she clearly knew that nothing was real. 

But what was reality? Who could define real and unreal? 

Was her parents' love for her fake? Was her wish for the sentimental values of humanity too unforgivable? 

She couldn't stop herself from growing fond of the world she was put into. She couldn't see the people around her as mere fakes, she couldn't see herself as a simple code created for the purpose of fixing something. She wanted to believe in something greater than herself, she wanted to believe that everything around her was true. 

She tried so hard too, but each time she would be pushed down by the mission that she had to complete. She couldn't live her days without worries no matter how hard she wanted to. She didn't realize how unwilling she was to relax and let go. 

Maybe if she did, maybe if she was more decisive. Maybe if she would have noticed sooner...maybe they could have been saved. 

"Aileene?" 

"Hmm..." Aileene raised her head to meet Lucian's eyes, she didn't know when she had become lost in her thoughts. It was a rare occurrence nowadays since she was so occupied with Lucian. There was always something that she could talk about, and even if there was silence between them. It was a calm, peaceful silence that drove away all her despairing thoughts. 

"What are you thinking of?" Lucian asked softly, they were in his room once again. Secretly, of course. Even though there were rumors of them being together, it still wouldn't be good if Aileene openly came into his room. They wouldn't do anything out of line, but people would still speculate. 

He could feel Aileene shift under his gaze and he got up from his desk to move to his bed, where she was. She had been lying down to rest, not sleeping but she was slowly drowsing off. Without saying a word he scooped her up from the bed, eliciting a surprised sound from Aileene and carried her to the couch by the window. 

Lucian knew that she must've been captive within her thoughts again and he couldn't sit by and watch her in distress. They had been together for a month or so already and though Aileene hadn't told him everything that had happened to her. He knew bits and pieces of the information, he wouldn't investigate any of it further if she wasn't willing to tell him herself. He would wait for her as long as she needed to feel ready. But in the meantime, he would do everything he could to lessen her burden. He couldn't bear to leave her alone. 

Aileene was lied down on Lucian's lap. He stroke her hair gently and she closed her eyes, imagining that every finger that would pa.s.s through her hair also pulled whatever listless thoughts that weighed on her mind. She sighed contently, how could she be deserving of any of this?

"You're the only one in the world that's most deserving of this." Lucian's hand stopped and he spoke with such solemnity that it almost scared her. She opened her eyes and was once again met with his gaze. There was an unfathomable light in his eyes and she was mesmerized. 

"Remember, Aileene. Your happiness is yours alone and no one can take it away from you. Your past actions and your future does not affect your contentment. You cannot deprive yourself of something that is so essential. Don't continue to live like this." Aileene was speechless and tears gathered in the corner of her eyes, she didn't know how she should reply. Things might have changed now, but she understood how isolated she was still. She understood that she was unwilling to open up completely, no matter how much her heart called out to Lucian. And now that she was confronted with his bittersweet tone, she didn't know how she should react. 

Lucian tenderly wiped away her silent tears and he leaned down to meet her lips. His Aileene was so beautiful, she didn't deserve to suffer one bit. Before he hadn't been able to stop the pain that affected her, but now that he was here. He would never let anything get through to her again. He simply wanted her to stay happy and live carefreely. That shouldn't be so hard to achieve if he put all his efforts into it. 

Aileene sat on Lucian's lap as he held her and she placed her head on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat and calming herself down. She was happy, she was truly happy. She didn't know when she had fallen so far, but she loves Lucian. She loves him with every ounce of her being. She never knew you could go through such a range of emotions so quickly. But now after all that he has said, if she didn't accept her own feelings and happiness then she would be letting him down.