You're A Horrible Person, But I Like You Part 6

What do I do?

Fatty Threw a Party and Now Her Jeans Hurt to Wear Wichita Falls, TX Dear Fatty: Nothing. If you think you are a skinny person then you are you are. It's not the outside that matters; it's the inside. How you see yourself in your mind's eye is how others will see you in the real world. If your clothes don't fit you anymore, just act like they do, and guess what? They will fit you! They will fit you! If you are fat and want to be thin, then just tell yourself that you are thin. The greatest diet in the world is the one that takes place in YOUR MIND. If you are fat and want to be thin, then just tell yourself that you are thin. The greatest diet in the world is the one that takes place in YOUR MIND.

I once met a woman whose pants were so tight around her obviously overweight a.s.s and stomach that her jeans remained completely unb.u.t.toned to the point where the mall security guard had to escort her out of the mall. Do you think this woman accepted the reality of her body? h.e.l.l no! Did this woman let the weight win and buy new pants? h.e.l.l no! Did this woman say to herself, "I shouldn't go to the mall if I can't b.u.t.ton my jeans"? h.e.l.l no! Did this woman say, "I am thin and these clothes fit me just fine because reality has nothing to do with what is real"? h.e.l.l yes! This is America! Go, girl! You've never looked so good!

Aasif ...

Dear Aasif: Is it fair to force my dog to be a vegetarian?

Lucie Asheville, NC Dear Lucie: I would suggest that you not "force" your dog to be a vegetarian, because forcing will get you into a power struggle with an animal. And that's always sad to see, because as humans, we have all the money and the guns and the treats. Instead, you should use well-established training methods to teach your dog about the benefits of being a vegetarian.

The key word here is "respect." If you don't respect the fact that your dog comes from a long line of meat eaters, you will not earn his trust, and in the end you won't be able to manipulate his will. Your dog, if he is like other dogs, has probably been told that eating meat is part of the culture of being a dog. This is baloney. The problem is that eating meat is where his canine ident.i.ty lies, just like chewing on bones and barking and chasing the mailman. All these things are part of his Current Canine Ident.i.ty (CCI). However, having written an extensive pamphlet on the subject, I can categorically tell you that what's needed is to Reverse His Canine Ident.i.ty (RHCI). It's been well doc.u.mented that vegetarian dogs are smarter, less violent, and have fresher breath than their meat-eating counterparts. So, when you catch him chewing on a bone, replace it with a stick of celery. (Paint it brown if you have to.) If he notices and refuses to touch it, just leave the celery in his bowl until it turns into a brown, moldy liquid. Eventually starvation will kick in and voila, you and your dog will be working together toward a mutual goal. If he barks, let loose a roar that is louder and more intimidating than anything he's ever heard. In my case, with my dachshund, I purchased a ca.s.sette tape of a lion roaring from the National Geographic audio library, and I let it play at full volume, sometimes in the middle of the night, very close to his ears while he's sleeping. It creates a nightmare a.s.sociation that's quite effective.

Once these few lessons have been learned, you'll be on your way to having an obedient dog. Because of this method, I have a well-behaved and mostly mute celery-eating dog who whimpers whenever the mailman comes around. Good luck to you, Lucie. For more information and questions you can purchase my pamphlet at veggiedog.co.uk.org/whimper.

Aasif

Marc Maron Dear Marc: My mother-in-law hates me, but that's not really my problem. I think I'm developing a crush on her boyfriend. Is that too weird? How soon should I tell my wife about these feelings, if at all? And is there a chance this has something to do with why my mother-in-law hates my guts?

Giles Russo Durham, NC Dear Giles: You've got a lot of things going on here, on a lot of levels. Generally, when family is involved and there is so much unsaid, it is best just to come out with it abruptly and without provocation in the middle of a holiday dinner. It might even be good to offer to say a prayer before the meal and do a grat.i.tude/confessional thing. The worst that can happen is that the meal turns into a mess of emotional chaos and everyone, for their own reasons, leaves the table and you are left alone eating your last supper as the man you were and your first supper of your new life with the muted sounds of crying and yelling drifting in from other rooms.

Marc ...

Dear Marc: My wife left me for a woman, and though I think I should feel terrible about this, my friends tell me that I shouldn't take it personally. She isn't rejecting me; she's rejecting all all men. I suppose they have a point, but am I wrong to think that I was dumped for reasons that have nothing to do with my p.e.n.i.s? men. I suppose they have a point, but am I wrong to think that I was dumped for reasons that have nothing to do with my p.e.n.i.s?

H. V. Bewley New York, NY Dear H. V.: The sad truth is that she was probably gay going in and you seemed like enough of a lesbian for her to try to snap out of what she hoped was a phase. I say get rid of the p.e.n.i.s and try to get her back. You can do that now. I saw it in a special on HBO.

Marc ...

Dear Marc: I've been thinking about leaving the country ever since Bush was reelected, but I can't decide on the right place to go. Canada is too cold, Mexico is too dangerous, n.o.body likes Americans (even expats) in France, and Britain seems as oppressive and fascistic as home. I'm out of ideas! Any suggestions? in France, and Britain seems as oppressive and fascistic as home. I'm out of ideas! Any suggestions?

Sandy P.

Somewhere in Iowa Dear Sandy: Don't be a coward. Fight for your beliefs and your country. If you are that fed up with America, start your own country. If you have a little property and a vision, all you need is a const.i.tution. Write it up, make yourself president, head of the military, chief legislator, and Supreme Court justice. Then create some uniforms that you can wear for each role. Build a Sandyland Mys.p.a.ce page and reach out to like-minded people who might want to become citizens. This is the DIY age, Sandy. Make technology work for you. Oh, and write a snappy national anthem and decide on a few regional tourist attractions to bring in some money. If you have a dog, there's the Sandyland National Zoological Park. You get the idea.

Marc ...

Dear Marc: My boyfriend makes me talk dirty to him during s.e.x, but I can't think of anything to say that isn't a cliche or doesn't make me sound like a p.o.r.n star. Can you suggest some conversational topics for s.e.x that are both clever and filthy?

Andrea Gordon Provo, UT Dear Andrea: Talk to him like you're fifteen and having a fight with your father.

Marc ...

Dear Marc: My wife is pregnant, and though I love her and everything, she's been kind of an a.s.shole lately. I know it's really because of the hormones, but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. How can I tell her to f.u.c.k off in the most polite, I-still-love-you-because-you're-the-mother-of-my-child-but-c'mon-you're-being-a-c.u.n.t kinda way?

Jack Caldwell Chicago, IL Dear Jack: Just know that any missteps on your part during this harrowing period of pregnancy will be held against you for the rest of your life. Any action you take along the lines that you are thinking will be seen as selfish, immature, insensitive, and perhaps unforgivable. Be politically minded here. Have a little vision. Think about the future. Your wife feels fat, farty, unattractive, and uncomfortable. Do whatever she wants you to do and make her feel loved and s.e.xy. Meanwhile, nourish your resentment of her. Store it and mold it into an emotional disposition that will make your new child love you more than its mother.

Marc ...

Dear Marc: I have a weird feeling that Bob Dylan's "Tangled Up in Blue" was written about me. I've never dated, been married to, or even met Mr. Dylan, but some of the details in his song are just too eerily similar to my own life. I've worked in a topless bar for most of my adult life, and I'm fond of reading Italian poetry (yes, from the eighteenth century) to my boyfriend. Also, I don't care for either homemade bread or small bank accounts. Am I just being paranoid, or is Dylan trying to get my attention?

Anjanette H.

San Francisco, CA Dear Anjanette: There is no doubt in my mind that you are absolutely correct about your feelings. To get some real clarity, begin a daily crystal meth regimen. Start out slow but do it until hallucinations induced by sleep deprivation become your guide. I think it will be clear that you need to follow Dylan-he's always on the road-and when the time is right, corner him and tell him everything you are thinking. Try to maintain some charm through this process. If your hair and teeth start falling out, you've waited too long to make your move.

Marc ...

Dear Marc: After twenty years of marriage, my wife suddenly announced that she wants an open relationship. At first, it felt like I'd won the lottery. But lately it's occurred to me that I'm a fortysomething man with a paunch, and she's a trim hottie in her s.e.xual prime. Am I setting myself up for disaster?

Stephen Goldstone Jacksonville, FL Dear Stephen: It doesn't sound like you have much of a choice. You only have a few options. I don't know how you are set up financially, but you might want to get some v.i.a.g.r.a and put an image together that would make younger women think that you are well-off and virile and dupe them into s.e.x that way. Or you could level the playing field by finding a woman your own age, telling her what you've been through, and actually having an age-appropriate relationship. My fear is that you will be left no choice but to unintentionally reveal your fear and desperation to your current wife and tell her she can do whatever she wants as long as you are part of it somehow. Then you spend the rest of your life quietly masturbating in a closet while she f.u.c.ks a seemingly never-ending parade of men in your bed. The only way this scenario can end is, a day comes when you wrap your lips around the end of a shotgun. On that sad day, I would make sure you are in the closet and she is in the middle of a particularly heated f.u.c.k session when that hammer comes down.

Come on, Stephen. Open relationship? Are you out of your f.u.c.king mind? Lose her.

Marc

Adam McKay Dear Adam: I've heard that you can legally buy marijuana if you have glaucoma. I'd like to avoid optic nerve damage, as anything on or around my eyes kinda creeps me out. Are there non-eyeball diseases that would allow me to smoke government-sanctioned weed?

Thanks, Sandy San Francisco, CA Dear Sandy: You've asked a very intriguing question. Right now, in the great state of California, there are many ailments that doctors will treat with weed: back pain, anxiety, that time of the month, etc., etc. Some lesser-known ailments include: being bitten by a fruit bat (let's face it, if you've been bitten by a poodle-size bat, you need to get high fast so you can laugh about it), being dead (8 percent of marijuana users are zombies, thus explaining their slow walk and lack of jobs), and being haunted by a ghost (if you walk into a doctor's office and yell, "The ghosts won't get out of my head!" what serious professional won't hook you up with some ganja immediately?).

Adam ...

Dear Adam: I've heard so much recently about an impending global grain shortage. Should I be h.o.a.rding bread?

John B.

Seattle, WA Dear John: It's shocking to me that you haven't already been h.o.a.rding bread. I'm going to a.s.sume you're Amish and don't have access to any kind of useful information. I started h.o.a.rding bread back in '79 and now have approximately thirty-four tons of fermented bread in U-Store-Its across the country. I've got Wonder bread with Justice League of America trading cards in it, and frozen Lender's bagels from '82. Recently I was arrested for operating a still because apparently the guards at the storage facilities were getting drunk off of my old bread. But that's a problem I can live with, while you starve to death up there in Washington State.

Adam ...

Dear Adam: According to the old adage, "Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you're in the clear." But what if you prefer popping bennies? Where's the snappy, helpful rhyme for those of us who like our bliss in pill form? popping bennies? Where's the snappy, helpful rhyme for those of us who like our bliss in pill form?

T.J.

Portland, OR Dear T.J.: It's tough to be from the Northwest, because popular culture and medicine take decades to get to you folks. Having said that, we Easterners and Southwesterners thank you for your gold and potatoes. The saying is "Bennies before Dilaudid, never clouded; huffing Wite-Out before injecting CAT into your d.i.c.k, you might get a smidge sick." Another popular one in my neck of the woods is "Grain alcohol before a gla.s.s of liquid acid, always placid; pulling a three-hundred-dude train while high on angel dust before cliff diving on meth will lead to televised death." A good way to remember these is to put them to a popular song melody. I use Rage Against the Machine's cover of "Maggie's Farm." Hope I was able to help! And when you guys get phone lines out there in Oregon, give us a call and let us know how it worked!

Adam ...

Dear Adam: I'm not a virgin, but every time I have s.e.x with a woman, I tell her, "This is my first time." It gives her a sense of accomplishment, and my below-average skills in the bedroom suddenly seem really impressive. Am I being immoral, or just making lemonade out of lemons?

Not a Virgin but Willing to Learn Ann Arbor, MI Dear Not a Virgin: Lies and fantasy are the nectar of good lovemaking. What you're doing is adding spice to both your lives, and spice is never bad, unless it's condensed into a highly concentrated form and put into a spray can and sprayed at a person's eyes. I myself will sometimes tell a lover I was raised in the Koresh compound and was taught that s.e.x with more than one girl is wrong and I will burst into flame if it happens and that's why girls won't do it. After she brings her crying friend into the room to join us, the fun begins. So if it makes you feel good, it can't be wrong. Which is why I'm addicted to cooking sherry, glory-hole s.e.x, and blackjack.

Adam ...

Dear Adam: I really want my vote to count in the upcoming election, but I'm confused. Would you help me make sense of the Democratic and Republican candidates? I just need something short and snappy and easy to understand so I can go get drunk with my buds and stop worrying about the world.

Chad (please no "hanging" jokes please) Boston, MA Dear Hanging Chad: Politics are tough. That's why I will ask my teenage daughter who she thinks is cuter. This year she said Zach from Zach & Cody Zach & Cody, so he's getting my vote. I love democracy!

Adam

Eugene Mirman Dear Eugene: Can you settle a bet for me? I say that it's okay to load the dishwasher with different-size plates next to each other, but my mom says that I'll never find my own apartment or produce grandchildren. My driving privileges are on the line-which one of us is right?

Thanks, Perry in Peril Parker, CO Dear Perry in Peril: What you have asked is technically a "non-question," because the very notion of doing dishes is flawed. When possible, dishes should be tossed out a window. I know my answer isn't very "green," but the time saved will let you make a much bigger impact in your community.

On a separate issue, if your mother has told you that grandchildren are in some way produced by using a dishwasher, she is lying.

Take care, Eugene ...

Dear Eugene: I drive a 1997 Honda Civic with 178,000 miles on it. Lately, it's been making an odd noise and vibrating wildly whenever I apply the brakes at highway speeds. Because the car is stolen, I'm reluctant to take it to an authorized mechanic. Does this sound like a serious problem, or can I afford to ignore it for a while?

Cheers, Dave Wilmington, DE Dear Dave: It sounds like something is wrong with your transmission. You need to get it checked out right away. How am I so sure even though I've never owned a car? Because I own something a little more useful than knowledge-I own confidence. Go to the mechanic. Be careful, though. If the mechanic calls the police, you'll have only about ten minutes to run away. How will you know if he's called the police? He'll try to stall you with questions and tasks like, "Want to write a play with me right now?" "Let's watch the movie Dune," Dune," or, "How do the pieces in chess move again?" It'll be obvious. or, "How do the pieces in chess move again?" It'll be obvious.

Eugene ...

Dear Eugene: My sister has always had a real zest for life, but lately I've noticed that she seems to be drinking more than usual. I'm also not thrilled with the guys she's been "dating." How can I approach her about this without sounding like an uptight, repressed spinster?

All the best, Prudence Schenectady, NY Dear Prudence: First of all, thank you for giving me the opportunity to write "Dear Prudence." It was really fun.

You have the age-old problem of a slightly drunk sister throwing her body a party and inviting, indiscriminately, guys she met at a flea market and several ba.s.sists. Often people have to realize on their own that they're making mistakes. (Robert Downey, Jr., and Amy Winehouse are just two examples.) Still, you can accelerate the process. Fill your sister's pillow with thousands of pieces of paper that say "You're making a mistake," and, "You need to cut down on drinking." When she brings some dude home, they'll lie down and be like, "These pillows feel weird." Once they look inside and find all the notes, they'll be like, "Your sister really loves you. We shouldn't be doing this."

You can also handcuff her to a golden retriever. I don't know if you've ever tried drinking or making out while handcuffed to a dog, but I bet it's near impossible.

Eugene ...

Dear Eugene: I'm a middle school student and I'm not very athletic. This is a problem because most of the other kids are, and they always play basketball together at recess. I want to play, too, but I'm afraid I won't be good enough. What if they laugh at me for the rest of the year? basketball together at recess. I want to play, too, but I'm afraid I won't be good enough. What if they laugh at me for the rest of the year?

Regards, Ball's in My Court Myrtle Beach, SC Dear Ball's in My Court: Oh my G.o.d! You are afraid of the wrong thing! What if they laugh at you for the rest of the year? rest of the year? No, that's not what you should worry about. What if they laugh at you for the next five years? What happens if that leads you to never believe in yourself? What if you seek solace in drugs or, worse, community theater? You can't allow that to happen. You have to overcome your fear of being laughed at and develop an insurmountable self-confidence. How? Not by turning to whiskey-that's what weak tweens do, and you're strong. You need a three-p.r.o.nged approach: No, that's not what you should worry about. What if they laugh at you for the next five years? What happens if that leads you to never believe in yourself? What if you seek solace in drugs or, worse, community theater? You can't allow that to happen. You have to overcome your fear of being laughed at and develop an insurmountable self-confidence. How? Not by turning to whiskey-that's what weak tweens do, and you're strong. You need a three-p.r.o.nged approach: 1. Start playing basketball somewhere alone for two hours a day for at least one day, but more like a month.

2. Pick two other things to become not just good at, but great at. A few options: backgammon, karate, computers, or premarital s.e.x. (JK-don't do it.) 3. Absorb the following knowledge: sports are one of the most important things at your age, but they exponentially decrease in importance after high school-just ask Mick Jagger or Janet Reno-plus at around twenty-eight everyone becomes overweight and sluggish, and the most important things become happiness, money, and having (or being) a pretty wife who smiles really well (and doesn't let on that everything is awful).

Eugene ...

Dear Eugene: My friend Andrew is experiencing a renaissance after a relative nadir in his love life. I want to buy him a gift that says, "Yeah, dude. You're doing it. Be safe." What would you suggest?

Sandy San Francisco, CA P.S. He is a box turtle.

Dear Sandy: Well, obviously you don't need to get him condoms or anything like that. My guess is he already has an iPod. You should build him a turtle-size modern home with gla.s.s walls, a steam shower, hot tub, and lettuce room-basically Howard Roark the place. A cla.s.sy turtle is a happy turtle.

Eugene P.S. If the reason your friend is experiencing a renaissance in his love life is because you bought another turtle and put her in his cage, then you are no better than Indian parents who make their daughter marry some rich family's son in exchange for horses and weird drums. I know, why end this with a confused, ethnically charged remark? So you start seeing turtles like I do-as p.a.w.ns in a cultural war.

Morgan Murphy Dear Morgan: My boyfriend wants to go to Burning Man, but the last time he was there, he had s.e.x with a man covered in silver body paint. He says it was just a onetime thing-how often do you get to f.u.c.k a silver man?-but I'm worried that it might happen again. Am I right to be concerned?

Glenn Davenport, IA Dear Glenn: I hate to break it to you, but your boyfriend is gaaaaay. You two fellas have obviously been together awhile if this is his second Burning Man, but if he's f.u.c.king a man (covered in silver paint, no less), then he is a h.o.m.os.e.xual, and you need to figure out if that's something you're willing to live with. I would advise approaching him gently on this subject, as n.o.body wants to be dragged out of the closet. Perhaps bring it up to him while he's blowing you.

Above all, don't judge him. I happen to know that you're required to f.u.c.k a man covered in silver paint to get into Burning Man. It's a policy established in 1998, after a complaint that paper tickets were wasteful and added to the festival's already excessive littering. Inserting one's p.e.n.i.s into a silver man is the ultimate form of recycling. That way, if the Burning Man Police want to know if you've paid your entrance fee, they can simply ask to see your silver p.e.n.i.s. It's quite brilliant in its simplicity, and kind to Mother Earth. Other events now implementing the "f.u.c.k a man covered in silver body paint" policy include Lollapalooza, various FM radio stations' "Jingle b.a.l.l.s," and the Westminster Dog Show.

Morgan ...

Dear Morgan: I've read that by drinking one and a half gla.s.ses of red wine each day, you can prevent cancer and heart attacks. My question is, what happens if you finish the second gla.s.s? Are you undoing all the good?

Sandra Olston Orlando, FL Dear Sandra: Allow me to ask you a question, Sandra. Why would you want to prevent cancer and heart attacks? Do you have any idea how nice people are to you when you've recently been diagnosed with lymphoma, or undergone a coronary bypa.s.s? I've endured three years of white-knuckled, una.s.sisted sobriety in the hopes that I might be stricken down by a temporarily debilitating illness that will force G.o.d-fearing family members to wait on me hand and foot. Sure, when I see my friends going to Party Town (choo choo!) with a case of Shiraz, part of me wants to join them. But then I think about said friends having to bathe me with sponges during my bedridden "vacation" from life's responsibilities. Why would I want to prevent that? People say "fed through a tube" like it's a bad thing. I see it as a simplified alternative to the ever c.u.mbersome fork and spoon. And don't even get me started on chopsticks.

Morgan ...

Dear Morgan: I love James Patterson thrillers, but whenever my friends catch me reading one of his books, they give me a look like it's Gang Bang Trannies. Gang Bang Trannies. Should I give up on my guilty pleasure and choke down more Don DeLillo and Thomas Pynchon, or get less judgmental friends? Should I give up on my guilty pleasure and choke down more Don DeLillo and Thomas Pynchon, or get less judgmental friends?

Leo P.

Richton Park, IL Dear Leo: I can't believe you would make up such a convoluted story just so you could reference Thomas Pynchon and Don DeLillo in the same sentence. Nice work, douche bag.

I am also personally insulted by your mockery of Gang Bang Trannies Gang Bang Trannies. I'll have you know that it's the greatest fictional depiction of polyamory since Little Women II Little Women II, Louisa May Alcott's harrowing follow-up about four lesbian midgets who f.u.c.k one another in postCivil War New England.

Why would you write to a magazine and ask a question about books? Do you think I'd write a letter to The Five People You Meet in Heaven The Five People You Meet in Heaven asking Mitch Albom if I should continue to read asking Mitch Albom if I should continue to read XXL? XXL? Actually, that's a poor example. Have you read Actually, that's a poor example. Have you read Tuesdays with Morrie? Tuesdays with Morrie? That guy could answer anything. Now that I think about it, you should probably try to get his advice. That guy could answer anything. Now that I think about it, you should probably try to get his advice.

Morgan ...

Dear Morgan: Is it wrong to have s.e.x with somebody I respect but don't find physically attractive? I've been dating this guy for a few weeks, and while the s.e.x has been repulsive, our postcoital conversations are always stimulating and fulfilling. Is there something wrong with me?

Jenny G.o.dfrey Rapid City, SD Dear Jenny: Allow me to answer your last question first. Yes, there is something wrong with you. You're r.e.t.a.r.ded. I don't mean r.e.t.a.r.ded in the casual sense (i.e., "You're r.e.t.a.r.ded"). I am clinically diagnosing you as a person with mental r.e.t.a.r.dation. Because you are r.e.t.a.r.ded, I don't expect you to understand the difference, but trust me when I say that my use of the word "r.e.t.a.r.ded" is not offensive at all. s.e.x repulses you not because your boyfriend is unattractive, but because you have the mind of a seven-year-old. Your postcoital conversations (no idea how you whipped out that word, but I once saw a r.e.t.a.r.ded person on Live with Regis and Kelly Live with Regis and Kelly who could count backward, so I'll believe just about anything) are stimulating because who doesn't enjoy a conversation with a man who has s.e.x with r.e.t.a.r.ded girls? Now that's a guy with stories! who could count backward, so I'll believe just about anything) are stimulating because who doesn't enjoy a conversation with a man who has s.e.x with r.e.t.a.r.ded girls? Now that's a guy with stories!

Morgan

Bob Odenkirk Dear Bob: I have romantic intentions toward an incredibly hot boy who lives in my dorm, but my friends tell me not to bother, because he's out of my league. How do they know that? Isn't beauty subjective?

Thanks, Pretty Confident in Her Own Attractiveness Hartford, CT Dear PCIHOA: Your acronym-name is worthless. Do better on that next time. I'm very tired. Got the kids off to school this morning, forgot to put water, vegetable, or sandwich in son's lunch bag, just filled it with napkins. Have you seen Larry King lately? He's thinner, bonier, and hotter than ever. What's with the Olympic torch? It's silly. The Olympics are silly. Clowns, too. Have you ever eaten pie? Do. You'll thank me. Does that answer your question? No? I say ask the guy out. Beauty is subjective and he sounds like a great guy to me, the kind who might enjoy a pinch-faced, watery-eyed, drooling b.o.o.b such as yourself. Hope that helps.

Best, Bob ...

Dear Bob: What's the proper way to refrigerate venison? I've tried storing the carca.s.s in my bas.e.m.e.nt freezer, but it always ends up with a gamey taste. What am I doing wrong?

Too Much Deer Meat Suttons Bay, MI Dear TMDM: Your acronym-name is slightly better. Kinda sounds like a noise Bobby McFerrin would make. What happened to Bobby McFerrin? He's probably in Florida, huh? Guns are good in the right hands-n.o.body's. What's on Larry King's mind these days? Anything facile and trite? When will RATT reunite? Where? I want the exact time and address because I don't want to be within fifty miles of that ground zero. Fewer carbs, more protein is yesterday's news. Have you ever asked someone you don't know how to refrigerate venison? Don't. It's a waste of time.

As to your question: don't. Eat venison raw, as soon as you have it, right on the spot. To get the gamey taste out of your bas.e.m.e.nt freezer, use Handi Wipes and gasoline.

Cheers, Bob ...

Dear Bob: My next-door neighbor has several enormous stacks of old newspapers littering his front yard and a huge pile of discarded magazines spilling out of his trash can. How can I persuade him to actually recycle these old papers and not just stuff them in the trash?

Regards, Lori Berkeley, CA Dear LORI: Now that's an acronym-name I can get behind! Very clever of you to write to me about your "neighbor." Ha ha. What, did you think you would publicly humiliate me? Ain't gonna happen, dearie. For your little trick, here's what you get: I'm going to start throwing my diapers in the yard, too. After I poo in them, not before.