You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 14

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse If the whole sudden, mindless violence idea seems far-fetched, remember that you are just one brain chemical (serotonin) away from turning into a mindless killing machine. All it would take is a disease that destroys the brain's ability to absorb that one chemical, and suddenly it's a real-world 28 Days Later 28 Days Later.

So imagine such an evolved disease, which we'll call super mad cow, getting a foothold through the food supply. Say this disease spreads through blood-on-blood contact, or saliva-on-blood contact. Now you have a rage-type virus that can be transmitted with a bite.

With one bite, you're suddenly the worst kind of zombie: a fast zombie.

2. NEUROGENESIS.

What is it?

You know all the controversy out there about stem cell research? Well, the whole thing with stem cells is that they're basically used to regenerate dead cells. Particularly of interest to zombologists is neurogenesis, the method by which stem cells are used to regrow dead brain tissue.

How it can result in zombies Science can pretty much save you from anything but brain death; doctors can swap out organs, but when the brain turns to mush, you're gone. Right?

Not for long. They're already able to regrow the brains of comatose head-trauma patients to the point that they wake up and walk around again. Couple that with the ability to keep a dead body in a state of suspended animation so that it can be brought back to life later, and soon we'll be able to bring back the dead, as long as we get to them quickly enough.

That sounds great, right? Well, a German lab dedicated to "reanimation research" has looked into the process of "reanimating" a person and found a small problem. It causes the brain to die off from the outside in. The outside being the cortex, the part that makes humans human. You don't need the cortex to survive, so that just leaves the part that controls basic motor function and primitive instincts behind.

So you take a brain-dead patient, use these techniques to regrow the brain stem, and you now have a mindless body shambling around, no thoughts and no personality, nothing but a cloud of base instincts and impulses.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what we like to call a real, live, undead zombie.

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse Under every legal system in the world, all rights and responsibilities are terminated at death. All it would take for the clock to strike "Ah, zombies!" is someone with resources and a need for a mindless workforce of totally obedient slave labor.

1. NAn.o.bOTS.

What are they?

A technology that science engineered to make you terrified of the future. We're talking about microscopic, self-replicating robots that can invisibly build-or destroy-anything. Sure, at some level scientists know nan.o.bots will destroy mankind. They just can't resist seeing how it happens.

How it can result in zombies Scientists have already created a one-cell nanocyborg, by fusing a tiny silicone chip to a virus. The first thing they found out is that these cyborgs can still operate for up to a month after the death of the host. Notice how nanoscientists went right for zombification, even at this early stage.

According to studies, within a decade they'll have nan.o.bots that can crawl inside your brain and set up neural connections to replace damaged ones. That's right; the nan.o.bots will be able to rewire your thoughts. What could go wrong?

Chances this could cause a zombie apocalypse Do the math, people.

Someday there will be nan.o.bots in your brain. Those nan.o.bots will be programmed to keep functioning after you die. They can form their own neural pathways and use your brain to keep operating your limbs after you've deceased and, presumably, right up until you rot to pieces in midstride.

Of course, when that happens the nan.o.bots would just need to transfer to a new host. Therefore, the last act of the nan.o.bot zombie would be to bite a hole in a healthy victim, letting the nan.o.bots stream in and set up camp in the new host. Once in, they can shut down the part of the brain that resists (the cortex) and leave the brain stem intact. They will have added a new member to the unholy army of the undead.

Look, we don't want to create a panic here. All we're saying is that on an actual day on the actual calendar in the future, runaway microscopic nan.o.bots will end civilization by flooding the planet with the cannibalistic undead.

Science says so.

CREDITS.

Nathan Birch (The Ten Most Insane Medical Practices in History, The Five Creepiest Urban Legends That Happen to Be True). In addition to working for (The Ten Most Insane Medical Practices in History, The Five Creepiest Urban Legends That Happen to Be True). In addition to working for Cracked.com, Nathan spends his time writing for top video game sites, producing his own Web comic (www.zoologycomic.com), and hoping he'll never actually have to grow up.

Robert Brockway (Three Colors You Don't Realize Are Controlling Your Mind) is an editor and columnist for (Three Colors You Don't Realize Are Controlling Your Mind) is an editor and columnist for Cracked.com and the author of and the author of Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead, a book that is infinitely superior to this one in every way. He is also fired, just now.

Adam Tod Brown (Five Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today, The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List) is a freelance editor and comedy writer with skills often described as "ninja-like." He holds a master's degree in street knowledge and drinks from only the finest bejeweled goblets. (Five Horrifying Food Additives You've Probably Eaten Today, The Awful Truth Behind Five Items on Your Grocery List) is a freelance editor and comedy writer with skills often described as "ninja-like." He holds a master's degree in street knowledge and drinks from only the finest bejeweled goblets.

Tim Cameron (The Six Most Terrifying Foods in the World, Four Great Women Buried by Their b.o.o.bs) goes by his middle name Niall as a musician, since it's over 70 percent more pretentious. You can experience Niall's stirringly resonant soundcrafts at (The Six Most Terrifying Foods in the World, Four Great Women Buried by Their b.o.o.bs) goes by his middle name Niall as a musician, since it's over 70 percent more pretentious. You can experience Niall's stirringly resonant soundcrafts at www.niall-cameron.com Erica Cantin ("Michael Bay Directs the News" in Five Stories The Media Doesn't Want You to Know About) lives in a formerly abandoned castle near the sea, where she and her family sing many a merry shanty. ("Michael Bay Directs the News" in Five Stories The Media Doesn't Want You to Know About) lives in a formerly abandoned castle near the sea, where she and her family sing many a merry shanty.

Rory Colthurst (Five Wacky Misunderstandings That Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust) is a politics student based in London. He started writing when the school system would no longer let him draw pictures, and has never looked back. (Five Wacky Misunderstandings That Almost Caused a Nuclear Holocaust) is a politics student based in London. He started writing when the school system would no longer let him draw pictures, and has never looked back.

Travis Corkery (Six Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You about Childbirth) is a writer from Anchorage, Alaska. He lives with his wife, Charlene, dog, Volta, and two children, one of which was conceived to research the article that appears in this book. (Six Terrifying Things They Don't Tell You about Childbirth) is a writer from Anchorage, Alaska. He lives with his wife, Charlene, dog, Volta, and two children, one of which was conceived to research the article that appears in this book.

S. Peter Davis (The Five Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught in History Cla.s.s, Four Mythological Beasts That Actually Exist) in addition to this sort of thing, churns out reams of unpopular and socially disturbing fiction. He lives alone in Brisbane, Australia, with his two fish, Salmon Rushdie and Marlin Brando. (The Five Most Ridiculous Lies You Were Taught in History Cla.s.s, Four Mythological Beasts That Actually Exist) in addition to this sort of thing, churns out reams of unpopular and socially disturbing fiction. He lives alone in Brisbane, Australia, with his two fish, Salmon Rushdie and Marlin Brando.

Jacopo della Quercia (Numbers 5 to 3 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government) was born to Italian parents, studied Renaissance history in Florence, has taught cla.s.ses on Dante, Machiavelli, and Renaissance art, believes the past is still alive, writes in code, and died in 1438. (Numbers 5 to 3 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government) was born to Italian parents, studied Renaissance history in Florence, has taught cla.s.ses on Dante, Machiavelli, and Renaissance art, believes the past is still alive, writes in code, and died in 1438.

Ben Dennison (The Four Most Insane Attempts to Turn Nature into a Weapon) writes comedy to pay the bills. The bills usually win, but hey, man, that's cool. (The Four Most Insane Attempts to Turn Nature into a Weapon) writes comedy to pay the bills. The bills usually win, but hey, man, that's cool.

Justin Droms (Oh the Places You'll Go [When You're Dead]: Six Insane Things Science Might Do with Your Cadaver) was an editor at (Oh the Places You'll Go [When You're Dead]: Six Insane Things Science Might Do with Your Cadaver) was an editor at Cracked.com for two-and-a-half blood-soaked years. He currently "works" in "marketing" in Washington, D.C. for two-and-a-half blood-soaked years. He currently "works" in "marketing" in Washington, D.C.

Robert Evans (Four Things Your Mom Said Were Healthy That Can Kill You, Five Stories the Media Doesn't Want You to Know About) has dedicated his life to finding every d.i.c.k joke in the history of literature. (Four Things Your Mom Said Were Healthy That Can Kill You, Five Stories the Media Doesn't Want You to Know About) has dedicated his life to finding every d.i.c.k joke in the history of literature.

Tomas Fitzgerald (Five Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen) hails from Western Australia, the savage h.e.l.l-scape that inspired (Five Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen) hails from Western Australia, the savage h.e.l.l-scape that inspired Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. When he's not wearing hats adorned with crocodile teeth, Tomas lectures in law at the University of Notre Dame. When he's not wearing hats adorned with crocodile teeth, Tomas lectures in law at the University of Notre Dame.

Ian Fortey (Five Awesome Places to Have s.e.x [and the Horrific Consequences]) is a freelance writer, (Five Awesome Places to Have s.e.x [and the Horrific Consequences]) is a freelance writer, Cracked.com columnist, and Pisces. He will sleep on your sofa if you let him. columnist, and Pisces. He will sleep on your sofa if you let him.

Alexandra Gedrose (Five Psychological Experiments That Prove Humanity Is Doomed) has a strong aversion to bottled water. (Five Psychological Experiments That Prove Humanity Is Doomed) has a strong aversion to bottled water.

Gladstone (Five Famous Artists Who Didn't Create Their Signature Creation) is a columnist for (Five Famous Artists Who Didn't Create Their Signature Creation) is a columnist for Cracked.com and the creator and star of the popular Hate by Numbers video series. His Web site is and the creator and star of the popular Hate by Numbers video series. His Web site is www.KafkaMaine.com-and stay for awhile?

Christina Hsu (Five Hollywood Adaptations That Totally Missed the Point) is extremely proud of having written part of a book, which she hopes will be the first small stepping stone to her life goal of someday, possibly, if all the stars align, writing half of a book. (Five Hollywood Adaptations That Totally Missed the Point) is extremely proud of having written part of a book, which she hopes will be the first small stepping stone to her life goal of someday, possibly, if all the stars align, writing half of a book.

Peter Hildebrand (Numbers 1 and 2 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government) is a student, freelance writer, and minister (technically). (Numbers 1 and 2 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government) is a student, freelance writer, and minister (technically).

David King (Third Reich to Fortune 500: Five Popular Brands the n.a.z.is Gave Us) is a world-renowned expert at the art of being mediocre. When he's not being sorta-funny at parties or hitting on chicks who think he's "pretty cool," he's busy being so-so in university. (Third Reich to Fortune 500: Five Popular Brands the n.a.z.is Gave Us) is a world-renowned expert at the art of being mediocre. When he's not being sorta-funny at parties or hitting on chicks who think he's "pretty cool," he's busy being so-so in university.

Ben Joseph (Four Ticking Time Bombs in Nature More Terrifying and Likely Than the Ones in Disaster Movies) is a writer and producer on staff at (Four Ticking Time Bombs in Nature More Terrifying and Likely Than the Ones in Disaster Movies) is a writer and producer on staff at CollegeHumor.com. He's also had his work published by McSweeney's and written for the upcoming Cartoon Network sketch show based on MAD MAD magazine, which kind of makes him a traitor, don't you think? magazine, which kind of makes him a traitor, don't you think?

Richard Kane (The Six Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History) has been writing Internet comedy since he was sixteen years old. He lives in California with his family. (The Six Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History) has been writing Internet comedy since he was sixteen years old. He lives in California with his family.

Jeff Kelly (Five Movies Based on True Stories [That Are Complete Bulls.h.i.t]) graduated from Syracuse University in 2003, is happily married to his wife, Sara, and enjoys Mexican beer, shiny things, and fighting crime. Well, most of it anyway. (Five Movies Based on True Stories [That Are Complete Bulls.h.i.t]) graduated from Syracuse University in 2003, is happily married to his wife, Sara, and enjoys Mexican beer, shiny things, and fighting crime. Well, most of it anyway.

Stuart Layt (The Gruesome Origins of Five Popular Fairy Tales) is a journalist and writer from Australia. With the publication of this book, he is now a "professional comedian" and will become insufferable at parties. (The Gruesome Origins of Five Popular Fairy Tales) is a journalist and writer from Australia. With the publication of this book, he is now a "professional comedian" and will become insufferable at parties.

Alex Levinton (The Five Most Horrifying Bugs in the World, The Six Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You). It remains unproven whether Alex Levinton is in reality a gla.s.s jar filled with bees. About him, there is nothing more to say. (The Five Most Horrifying Bugs in the World, The Six Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You). It remains unproven whether Alex Levinton is in reality a gla.s.s jar filled with bees. About him, there is nothing more to say.

Daniel O'Brien (The Four Most Bada.s.s Presidents of All Time, Five Famous Inventors Who Stole Their Big Idea) is the senior writer of and a columnist for (The Four Most Bada.s.s Presidents of All Time, Five Famous Inventors Who Stole Their Big Idea) is the senior writer of and a columnist for Cracked.com. His Web series, Agents of Cracked, is available on every Internet.

Jack O'Brien (Introduction, The Four Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High) is editor in chief of (Introduction, The Four Greatest Things Ever Accomplished While High) is editor in chief of Cracked.com, and tries not to talk too much about how Cracked.com was better "back before everyone liked it and it was still all about the music, man." He is mostly successful. was better "back before everyone liked it and it was still all about the music, man." He is mostly successful.

Colm Prunty (The Six Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History) learned to read and write by examining the backs of household cleaning products. His early writing was known to kill 99 percent of germs. (The Six Most Depressing Happy Endings in Movie History) learned to read and write by examining the backs of household cleaning products. His early writing was known to kill 99 percent of germs.

Tom Reimann (Five Fun Things That Will Kill You) was a nerdy high school student when he was bitten by a radioactive spider and contracted leukemia. He is a freelance editor for (Five Fun Things That Will Kill You) was a nerdy high school student when he was bitten by a radioactive spider and contracted leukemia. He is a freelance editor for Cracked.com.

Ned Resnikoff (Numbers 1 and 2 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government): a Philosophy major at New York University, a writer, a lit nerd, a lapsed Jew, and a politics junkie. (Numbers 1 and 2 of Five Conspiracies That Nearly Brought Down the U.S. Government): a Philosophy major at New York University, a writer, a lit nerd, a lapsed Jew, and a politics junkie.

Levi Ritchie (The Five Most Frequently Quoted Bulls.h.i.t Statistics) is a college student from west central Texas who is pa.s.sionate about writing, because it helps support his gaming addiction. (The Five Most Frequently Quoted Bulls.h.i.t Statistics) is a college student from west central Texas who is pa.s.sionate about writing, because it helps support his gaming addiction.

Seanbaby (Five Fight Moves That Only Work in Movies) invented being funny on the Internet, and like all writers, he was soon replaced with videos of kitty cats. But their time is coming. (Five Fight Moves That Only Work in Movies) invented being funny on the Internet, and like all writers, he was soon replaced with videos of kitty cats. But their time is coming.

Michael Swaim (Five Awesome Things You Didn't Know Could Make You Sick, Five Cla.s.sic Cartoon Characters with Traumatic Childhoods, Five Beloved U.S. Presidents the Modern Media Would Never Let into the White House) is cofounder of Those Aren't Muskets! and the host of Cracked TV and Does Not Compute. As (Five Awesome Things You Didn't Know Could Make You Sick, Five Cla.s.sic Cartoon Characters with Traumatic Childhoods, Five Beloved U.S. Presidents the Modern Media Would Never Let into the White House) is cofounder of Those Aren't Muskets! and the host of Cracked TV and Does Not Compute. As Cracked.com's Head of Video, he only dimly understands the object you are currently holding.

Brian Thompson (Five Stories about Jesus's Childhood They Had to Cut from the Bible [to Avoid an NC-17 Rating]) is an aspiring writer from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is currently writing a novel that will be on store shelves as soon as the devil gets the paperwork for his soul in order. (Five Stories about Jesus's Childhood They Had to Cut from the Bible [to Avoid an NC-17 Rating]) is an aspiring writer from Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is currently writing a novel that will be on store shelves as soon as the devil gets the paperwork for his soul in order.

Brian Walton (Five Ways Your Brain Is Messing with Your Head) spends his time in Florida alligator fishing and trying to live to regret the things he does. Like alligator fishing. (Five Ways Your Brain Is Messing with Your Head) spends his time in Florida alligator fishing and trying to live to regret the things he does. Like alligator fishing.

David Wong (Four Brainwashing Techniques They're Using on You Right Now, Five Scientific Reasons Why a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen) is the senior editor of (Four Brainwashing Techniques They're Using on You Right Now, Five Scientific Reasons Why a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen) is the senior editor of Cracked.com and the author of the horror novel and the author of the horror novel John Dies at the End John Dies at the End, currently available everywhere except the seventy-two countries in which it has been banned.

Ill.u.s.trators Matt Barrs (ill.u.s.trations on pages 51, 104, 138) is a cartoonist and comedian living in Los Angeles, where he regularly collaborates with (ill.u.s.trations on pages 51, 104, 138) is a cartoonist and comedian living in Los Angeles, where he regularly collaborates with Cracked.com on art and video projects. on art and video projects.

Robert Bogl (ill.u.s.trations on pages 21, 27, 108, 147, 265, 270) is an up-and-coming artist who hopes to one day create something more popular than (ill.u.s.trations on pages 21, 27, 108, 147, 265, 270) is an up-and-coming artist who hopes to one day create something more popular than Star Wars Star Wars. However, he doesn't want to milk and destroy his creation like George Lucas did.

Anthony Clark (ill.u.s.trations on pages 7, 13, 17, 20, 41, 47, 49, 54, 56, 60, 94, 97, 100, 123, 126, 130, 131, 136, 146, 151, 159, 176, 180, 218, 236, 280, 284) is a cartoonist and ill.u.s.trator from Indianapolis. You can find more of his art, comics, and hidden torpedo launch codes at (ill.u.s.trations on pages 7, 13, 17, 20, 41, 47, 49, 54, 56, 60, 94, 97, 100, 123, 126, 130, 131, 136, 146, 151, 159, 176, 180, 218, 236, 280, 284) is a cartoonist and ill.u.s.trator from Indianapolis. You can find more of his art, comics, and hidden torpedo launch codes at nedroid.com.

Ben Driscoll (ill.u.s.trations on pages 205, 209) makes (ill.u.s.trations on pages 205, 209) makes Daisy Owl Daisy Owl, the world's foremost comic about a speaking owl that raises human children. He lives in San Diego with his cat.

Val Gallardo (ill.u.s.trations on pages 145, 193) is a French-born ill.u.s.trator living in Belgium. She loves drawing, worships Morrissey, and has a coffee addiction. (ill.u.s.trations on pages 145, 193) is a French-born ill.u.s.trator living in Belgium. She loves drawing, worships Morrissey, and has a coffee addiction.

Christopher Hastings (ill.u.s.trations on pages 102, 117) is the creator of (ill.u.s.trations on pages 102, 117) is the creator of The Adventures of Dr. McNinja The Adventures of Dr. McNinja, a comic that has been online since 2005. He lives in Brooklyn with his fiancee, Carly, and dog, Commissioner Gordon.

Randall Maynard (ill.u.s.tration on page 71) is a graphic designer based out of a secret fortress in Los Angeles, California. His free time is spent playing video games and mixing the perfect soundtrack in preparation for the zombie apocalypse. (ill.u.s.tration on page 71) is a graphic designer based out of a secret fortress in Los Angeles, California. His free time is spent playing video games and mixing the perfect soundtrack in preparation for the zombie apocalypse.

Brendan McGinley (ill.u.s.trations on pages 156, 197, 204, 213) writes comics and tells jokes in New York City. He is the terror of the Internet at (ill.u.s.trations on pages 156, 197, 204, 213) writes comics and tells jokes in New York City. He is the terror of the Internet at brendanmcginley.com.

Jordan Monsell (ill.u.s.trations on pages 1, 5, 34, 35, 73, 79, 87, 116, 155, 157, 166, 168, 184, 189, 217, 242, 247, 258) was born in New York and now resides in Los Angeles. He ill.u.s.trates the Web comic (ill.u.s.trations on pages 1, 5, 34, 35, 73, 79, 87, 116, 155, 157, 166, 168, 184, 189, 217, 242, 247, 258) was born in New York and now resides in Los Angeles. He ill.u.s.trates the Web comic Alyster & b.u.t.tercup Alyster & b.u.t.tercup, performs Shakespeare, and hikes the trails of Griffith Park.

Shannon O'Brien (ill.u.s.tration on page 22) is an interaction designer and ill.u.s.trator living in Brooklyn, New York. (ill.u.s.tration on page 22) is an interaction designer and ill.u.s.trator living in Brooklyn, New York.

Brian Patrick (ill.u.s.tration on page 86) is the creator of Akimbo Comics. (ill.u.s.tration on page 86) is the creator of Akimbo Comics.

Manuel Rebollo (ill.u.s.trations on pages 221, 228, 229, 234, 261) also goes by elgatoazul and is a freelance graphic designer and ill.u.s.trator based in Salamanca, Spain. (ill.u.s.trations on pages 221, 228, 229, 234, 261) also goes by elgatoazul and is a freelance graphic designer and ill.u.s.trator based in Salamanca, Spain.

Winston Rowntree (ill.u.s.trations on pages 9, 28, 29, 31, 38, 62, 63, 64, 91, 109, 111, 114, 141, 162, 169, 171, 183, 191, 206, 220, 243, 249, 250, 254, 272, 274, 276) is known for his overly verbose online comix, which can be found at (ill.u.s.trations on pages 9, 28, 29, 31, 38, 62, 63, 64, 91, 109, 111, 114, 141, 162, 169, 171, 183, 191, 206, 220, 243, 249, 250, 254, 272, 274, 276) is known for his overly verbose online comix, which can be found at viruscomix.com. In the real world he can be found in Toronto, Canada, slightly west of downtown.

Michael Swaim (ill.u.s.tration on page 267) is made of lasers and hate. Once he tried to get into a kid's pool party, and they wouldn't let him in. Yeah he draws, too. Now he's just showing off. (ill.u.s.tration on page 267) is made of lasers and hate. Once he tried to get into a kid's pool party, and they wouldn't let him in. Yeah he draws, too. Now he's just showing off.