You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News Part 10

3. FRANKENSTEIN FRANKENSTEIN (1931), ALLEGEDLY BASED ON THE BOOK BY MARY Sh.e.l.lEY (1931), ALLEGEDLY BASED ON THE BOOK BY MARY Sh.e.l.lEY.

Dr. Frankenstein decides to fool around in G.o.d's domain by creating life from inanimate matter. When this results in a monster, he realizes he's made a mistake and should probably kill it. Disagreeing, the monster fights back and eventually threatens to murder Frankenstein's new wife.

The book ending Mary Sh.e.l.ley's beast is a monster of his word and kills Frankenstein's wife. Frankenstein's father then dies of grief. Somewhere along the line, his brother, best friend, and trusted family servant also die. Frankenstein ends up chasing the monster to the North Pole, fueled by grief and revenge, and dies of illness just as the monster bursts into his room, makes a speech about how woeful his lot is, and runs off to commit suicide. Everybody learns a lesson about playing G.o.d, or they would have if they weren't all dead.

Moral of the book When man decides to play G.o.d, he provokes His wrath.

The Hollywood ending Frankenstein enlists the help of a good old angry mob to finish off the monster before he can hurt his wife. The film ends with Frankenstein's dad raising a toast to the happy couple and a future grandchild. Sure, Frankenstein messed up with the brain part of his monster, but it's pretty unfair to say it's inherently wrong to reanimate a living sentient being from spare body parts or anything like that. There's no reason he couldn't try again, as long as he's got the old monster-killing squad handy.

Moral of the movie You can play G.o.d, just clean up after yourself.

2. THE RUNNING MAN THE RUNNING MAN, ALLEGEDLY BASED ON THE BOOK BY STEPHEN KING.

Ben Richards is a contestant in a deadly reality show in which he gets money if he can outrun people trying to hunt him, and gets killed if he can't.

The book ending At the end of Stephen King's book, Richards has almost succeeded in running out the clock, when he gets a call from Killian, the man behind the Running Man Running Man show. It's a job offer to be the show's lead hunter. The bad news? Richards's wife and daughter were murdered shortly after he started running. Overcome by grief and unhappy at himself for partic.i.p.ating in this exploitative system, Killian crashes into the headquarters of the game company, blowing it up and killing himself. show. It's a job offer to be the show's lead hunter. The bad news? Richards's wife and daughter were murdered shortly after he started running. Overcome by grief and unhappy at himself for partic.i.p.ating in this exploitative system, Killian crashes into the headquarters of the game company, blowing it up and killing himself.

Moral of the book A prescient message about the ghoulish nature of reality TV and more generally about human nature's love of spectator sports.

The Hollywood ending Arnold Schwarzenegger straps Killian to a rocket sled and catapults him through a giant neon sign. He makes a bad pun, gets the girl, and walks away into the futuristic sunset as the audience cheers. Nothing is said about whether the company continues to make reality shows where people are killed, but why wouldn't they? That s.h.i.t was amazing amazing!

Moral of the movie Reality shows are like regular game shows multiplied by awesome.

1. BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA , ALLEGEDLY BASED ON THE BOOK BY BRAM STOKER , ALLEGEDLY BASED ON THE BOOK BY BRAM STOKER The vampire Dracula comes to London, where he kills people and turns the innocent Lucy Westenra into a vampire. A ragtag team including Lucy's best friend Mina and Dr. Van Helsing are forced to kill the now vampirized Lucy and then turn their attention toward finishing off Dracula . . .

The book ending . . . which they do, through teamwork and courage.

Moral of the book The ancient and unknown things of this world are scary, dark, and powerful. Once unleashed, you will have to do horrific things to make anything right again, such as murdering your own best friend.

The Hollywood ending After the count trades mortal blows with one of the vampire hunters, Mina saves him saves him. It turns out she's the reincarnation of his dead wife and needs to take him to the castle chapel to kiss him, so she can redeem his soul and allow him to ascend to heaven in a beautiful scene. While she's doing that, another one of her friends dies from Dracula wounds, but he wasn't in love with anybody so it's not important. The important thing is that the guy who killed him and turned her best friend into a monster gets to be with his dead wife in heaven.

Moral of the movie Love never dies and also doesn't sweat the small stuff like killing innocent people killing innocent people. Good thing Hollywood got that one out of its system.

Oh, right.

THE TEN MOST INSANE MEDICAL PRACTICES IN HISTORY.

DOCTORS have a long, storied background of not knowing what the h.e.l.l they're doing. History is filled with stories of medical inept.i.tude, and in all likeliness today's medical practices will be similarly snorted at a hundred years down the road. So if you're looking to rationalize not getting that lump on your neck checked out, you're in the right place. have a long, storied background of not knowing what the h.e.l.l they're doing. History is filled with stories of medical inept.i.tude, and in all likeliness today's medical practices will be similarly snorted at a hundred years down the road. So if you're looking to rationalize not getting that lump on your neck checked out, you're in the right place.

10. CHILDREN'S SOOTHING SYRUPS In the nineteenth century, people were simply too busy churning b.u.t.ter and waxing their mustaches to be bothered with disobedient children. To remedy this, a series of "soothing syrups," lozenges, and powders were created, all of which were carefully formulated to ensure they were safe for use by those most vulnerable members of the family. Oh, wait, no. Actually, they pumped each bottle full of as many narcotics as it could hold.

For instance, each ounce of Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup contained sixty-five milligrams of pure morphine.

Based on our experiences experimenting with pure morphine, that seems like a lot. Drug manufacturers finally slowed their roll a bit in 1910, when the New York Times New York Times decided the whole narcotic babysitter concept was probably bad and ran an article pointing out that these syrups contained, "morphine sulphate, chloroform, morphine hydrochloride, codeine, heroin, powdered opium, cannabis indica," and sometimes several of them in combination. decided the whole narcotic babysitter concept was probably bad and ran an article pointing out that these syrups contained, "morphine sulphate, chloroform, morphine hydrochloride, codeine, heroin, powdered opium, cannabis indica," and sometimes several of them in combination.

You can't say the syrups weren't effective, as long as you didn't mind your toddler being strung out on the midnight oil. Or dead. The terrible twos weren't just a cutesy euphemism back then. Kids were not only at their brattiest but also often died, in many cases after their parents tried to cure the aforementioned brattiness with narcotic concoctions in accordance with the doctor's orders.

9. CALM YOUR COUGH WITH HEROIN.

Hard drugs weren't just for infants. In the late nineteenth century, people apparently took cough suppression seriously. We're talking, "I'm going to take me some heroin to calm this cough" level serious, here. We know Victorians were sticklers for social etiquette and wheezing your head off was probably considered frightfully rude, but we can't imagine tying off and shooting some horse in the middle of a dinner party would go over terribly well, either.

You probably don't need us to tell you how addictive and destructive heroin is, but just in case: Heroin? Might want to avoid that stuff. On the upside, it actually does suppress coughs, so if you do become a junkie at least you'll save on buying Halls.

Heroin, by the way, was originally developed by Bayer. You know, those friendly folks behind harmless old aspirin. How is that not at the center of every single Tylenol ad campaign? Tylenol: The fast-acting pain reliever that didn't invent heroin.

8. THE CURATIVE POWERS OF MERCURY.

For centuries, mercury was used to treat pretty much everything. Sc.r.a.ped your knee? Just rub a little mercury on it. Having some problems with regularity? Forget fiber, get some mercury up in there! If you lived more than a hundred years ago, you simply weren't considered healthy if you weren't leaking silver from at least one orifice.

Mercury, as we know, is toxic as h.e.l.l. Symptoms of mercury poisoning include chest pains, heart and lung problems, coughing, tremors, violent muscle spasms, psychotic reactions, delirium, hallucinations, suicidal tendencies, restless spleen syndrome, p.e.n.i.s knotting, and a.n.a.l implosion. OK, we just made the last few up, but they barely looked out of place in that horror show of symptoms, right?

7. ELECTRICAL IMPOTENCE CURES.

Men have been desperately trying to fix their malfunctioning members since well before the late nineteenth century, but that's when impotent men discovered the wonders of electricity.

Electrified beds, elaborate c.o.c.k-shocking electric belts, and other devices were advertised as being able to return "male power" and prowess by making your p.e.n.i.s rise to electrified attention like a six-inch-tall Frankenstein's monster.

What's fascinating is that you can find ads for more than one brand of electric d.i.c.k-shock belt, which seems to indicate that the d.i.c.k-shock belt industry somehow survived the negative word of mouth from the first d.i.c.k-shock belt. It would also suggest that the following conversation took place on a regular basis, "What's it do, Doc? Actually, don't answer that, I'm puttin' it on my junk."

6. LOBOTOMIES.

You're sitting on your psychiatrist's couch, pouring your tortured heart out about how depressed you are. "I think I have the solution to your depression," he says, producing a ten-inch-long ice pick. "I'm going to jam this into your eye socket, then put it into your brain using this mallet. Then I'll wiggle it around so that it shreds part of your brain. Then you won't be depressed anymore. I'm a doctor."

Congratulations hypothetical 1940s version of yourself, you've just been lobotomized! Lobotomies were a popular fad for the first half of the twentieth century and were floated as a "cure" for pretty much any mental issue you can name, from anxiety to schizophrenia.

The inventor of the lobotomy was given a n.o.bel Prize for it in 1949. Doctors claimed the ice-pick-to-the-freaking-eye method of lobotomy would be as quick and easy as a trip to the dentist. By 1960, parents were getting them for their moody teenage children.

"As you can see, gentlemen, we now know everything there is to know about the human body. I am, like, 95% sure."

In 2005, NPR profiled Howard Dully, a grown man who'd had the procedure performed in 1960, when he was just twelve. Medical records indicate that his stepmother's psychiatrist recommended a lobotomy after she'd complained that he was "defiant," "didn't respond well to punishment," and "objects to going to bed," or as it's known to modern doctors, being a normal freaking twelve-year-old boy.

Some seventy thousand people were lobotomized before somebody figured out that driving a spike into the brain probably was not the answer to all of life's problems.

5. TREPANATION.

Like the lobotomy's old, senile grandfather, trepanation is basically a fancy word for drilling holes in your head. It's also the oldest surgical procedure known to man. Trepanation holes were found in 40 of 120 human skulls discovered at a prehistoric burial site in France estimated to be eight thousand years old.

Most commonly used as a treatment for seizures and migraines in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, it was also used as an extreme form of cosmetic/experimental body modification amongst several pre-Columbian American societies. n.o.body's quite sure why the French cavemen did it. Probably because they'd just invented tools and n.o.body'd invented any furniture for them to put together yet.

4. URINE THERAPY.

You can tell by the t.i.tle of this entry that we're not heading anywhere good. Throughout history there have been those who believed the key to good health was wallowing in one's own excretions. Urine was said to cure an endless list of ailments and to promote good health if consumed, was applied to the skin and, yes, some even used it to give themselves (turn away now weak of heart) a nice bracing urine enema.

Perhaps the best part of this is that, unlike the other practices listed here, urine therapy lives on today. Of all the crack-pot theories listed here, the one that endured is the one where people drink and bathe in p.i.s.s.

There's absolutely no evidence that urine therapy can cure a d.a.m.n thing, though there is conclusive evidence proving that it can absolutely make you smell like old people.

3. BLOODLETTING.

Bloodletting was one of the most enduring and popular medical practices in history, originated by the Greeks and used up until the nineteenth century for, well, basically everything. If you were feeling under the weather back in the day, there's a good chance it was because you just had too much blood.

A person having too much blood may sound absurd, but that's just because you don't know about the four humors. The theory was that the body was filled with blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile and that an imbalance of the four fluids was the root of all illness. Apparently, blood could be a bit of a s.p.a.ce hog, and thus patients were bled to make room for more fun stuff like black bile (diarrhea).

If you're wondering what made people think this worked for so long, the next time you're at death's door with the flu go out and give up to four quarts of blood. We can a.s.sure you your flu won't be cured, but you'll probably feel feel a lot better as you take a delirious blood-loss-inspired trip through the clouds! a lot better as you take a delirious blood-loss-inspired trip through the clouds!

2. HARD-CORE DIET REMEDIES.

While fuller figures have been popular for most of history, during the twentieth-or "no fat chicks"-century, thin was in for women. This need to be slim led to the creation of countless so-called diet pills.

While a lot of the pills actually did help with weight loss, they also caused fevers, heart troubles, blindness, death, and birth defects. In the 1950s and 1960s, women liked diet pills so darn much that they just couldn't seem to stop taking them. This was because the diet pills of the '50s and '60s were in actuality bottles of pure crank. But hey, what's being a nervous, amphetamine-addicted wreck when being ready for bathing suit season hangs in the balance?

1. FEMALE HYSTERIA CURES.

Women and their mood swings-right, guys? Now, if you happen to be female don't be offended, there's no shame in admitting to the occasional bit of moodiness (or irritability or anxiousness or a ton of other things) as according to nineteenth-century doctors it's a symptom of a deadly serious medical condition.

So how do you cure a "condition" that coincidentally was diagnosed almost entirely in women who dared disobey their Victorian husbands? The prescription for female hysteria was usually a good spot of doctor-administered v.a.g.i.n.al ma.s.sage until the woman achieved "hysterical paroxysm."

Yes. The cure for female hysteria was a doctor's hand down your bloomers until you were screaming his name. Is it any wonder the list of symptoms for female hysteria was so long? Doctors, astonishingly enough, grew tired of "curing" all these women. According to Rachel P. Maines's The Technology of o.r.g.a.s.m The Technology of o.r.g.a.s.m, the hand strain led doctors to invent the vibrator, and thus this section comes to a happy ending.

FOUR GREAT WOMEN BURIED BY THEIR b.o.o.bS.

WHILE modern women still deal with entirely too much job discrimination, domestic abuse, and s.e.x with Gene Simmons, that's nothing compared to the old days. Back when modern women still deal with entirely too much job discrimination, domestic abuse, and s.e.x with Gene Simmons, that's nothing compared to the old days. Back when feminist feminist was a h.o.m.ophobic adjective and was a h.o.m.ophobic adjective and suffrage suffrage was what women got when dinner was cold, some ingenious voices were never heard because they just happened to be attached to a pair of b.r.e.a.s.t.s. was what women got when dinner was cold, some ingenious voices were never heard because they just happened to be attached to a pair of b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

4. ROSALIND FRANKLIN.

Rosalind Franklin was a pioneer in the field of genetics, whose work on unraveling the DNA double helix was largely ignored. Franklin studied at Cambridge in the 1940s, a school that didn't give women degrees at the time, figuring they wouldn't know what to do with something like an advanced biology degree-probably sew it a little suit and take it for summer const.i.tutionals.

Still, Franklin went on to research molecular biology around the same time as Francis Crick and James Watson, the scientists credited with discovering DNA's double helix model. In fact, she wasn't far from making the discovery herself and was well ahead of Crick and Watson when her boss, Maurice Wilkins, intervened. Doing his duty as a concerned citizen, Wilkins knew he couldn't trust such valuable scientific knowledge in the hands of a mere woman-surely it was only a matter of time before she accidentally baked it into a pie!

Working behind Franklin's back, Wilkins gave her findings to Watson, who used them and Crick's LSD-spiked intuition (see page 123) to leapfrog Franklin and discover DNA's double helix pattern before her.

Their double helix model was published in an issue of Nature Nature magazine, instantly making them international celebrities. Rather than acknowledging the role a woman played in the actual discovery, magazine, instantly making them international celebrities. Rather than acknowledging the role a woman played in the actual discovery, Nature Nature published Franklin's not yet complete work in the same journal. Sure, publishing the almost-discovery of DNA's model in the same issue as the actual discovery might seem redundant, but published Franklin's not yet complete work in the same journal. Sure, publishing the almost-discovery of DNA's model in the same issue as the actual discovery might seem redundant, but Nature Nature couldn't miss out on the adorable hilarity of a woman trying to do science. That was probably considered the monkey riding a bicycle of its day. couldn't miss out on the adorable hilarity of a woman trying to do science. That was probably considered the monkey riding a bicycle of its day.

Buried by the b.o.o.bs In 1962, Crick, Watson, and Maurice G.o.dd.a.m.ned Wilkins (whose contribution to molecular biology amounted to hating women) received the n.o.bel Prize in Physiology or Medicine, while Franklin received the d.i.c.k-All Prize for Diddly-Squat. Franklin's huge contribution was almost totally ignored in Watson's paper. We never thought we'd say this, but d.a.m.n you, b.o.o.bs! d.a.m.n you, b.o.o.bs!

3. CAMILLE CLAUDEL.

Camille Claudel was a young, shockingly talented sculptress whose works are today considered masterpieces. Her career path followed the cla.s.sic artist model: fabulous early works, discovery by a great mentor, total insanity, dying unloved, alone, and weird. (This is why your parents didn't let you go to art school.) But while some artists go crazy because it's the cool thing to do (we're looking at you Van Gogh), Claudel was force-fed crazy pills for her socially unacceptable lack of a p.e.n.i.s.

In 1800s Paris, women were prohibited from studying the nude human form, because this would've ruined the wedding-night surprise. (Surprise! It's a p.e.n.i.s.) Claudel was therefore unable to gain entry to the ecole des Beaux-Arts, where she would have been able to promote her work and receive commissions. In short, Claudel needed some c.o.c.k in the worst way.

Luckily, her father managed to get her enrolled at the lesser Academie Colarossi, a place dedicated to the free and unbiased exploration of p.e.n.i.ses. Claudel thrived until she fell in love with Auguste Rodin, and it all went to le toilette le toilette.

Buried by the b.o.o.bs She became Rodin's lover and muse, influencing and reportedly even working on some of his greatest works. Meanwhile, her sculptures were shunned by the public, since no one could stomach the idea that a female might be responsible for their favorite rock p.e.n.i.ses. In fact, artistic genius in women was believed to be a form of mental illness.

After Camille broke off their relationship, Rodin switched to shafting her metaphorically, blocking all funding for her future sculptures. Claudel's own brother decided to have her committed to an insane asylum, despite the hospital's protests that Camille was totally sane for the next thirty years thirty years. Sadly, convinced that she would never gain recognition, Claudel ultimately destroyed the vast majority of her works. Those that survive are lauded. In the words of Ludovic Chanzy, cultural director of the Nogent museum: "That Camille was shunned by the art world, despite her beautiful work, can be explained by the fact that she was a woman. It was just not acceptable that a young lady could sculpt erotic pieces showing men and women in the nude."

That's right: People turned down free, publically viewable p.o.r.n because it was made by a woman. How far we've come . . . How far we've come . . .

2. LISE MEITNER.

Lise Meitner was the physicist who, working with Otto Hahn, pioneered the principles of nuclear fission. Meitner also discovered the Auger effect two years before Victor Auger. To add to her list of challenges, she was also an Austrian Jew in Hitler's Germany. The odds were against her, to say the least. But Meitner's biggest problem wasn't even the n.a.z.is (that's a h.e.l.l of a Jew who can say that): Berlin University was so s.e.xist that she was only allowed to conduct experiments in a carpentry shed in the bas.e.m.e.nt.

In 1938, when the Third Reich began sending subtle signs that she might want to flee for her life, she reluctantly abandoned her research with Hahn.

Buried by the b.o.o.bs Despite Meitner's crucial role in every stage of fission research, her erstwhile partner Hahn won the n.o.bel Prize all alone. Some of the blame in this must be apportioned to Hitler, since he drove her out of the country, but it's not like the n.o.bel Foundation didn't know she existed, seeing as she had been jointly nominated with Hahn ten times ten times previously. But she would have been the first woman to win a n.o.bel Prize without her husband, and the committee had a policy to uphold. previously. But she would have been the first woman to win a n.o.bel Prize without her husband, and the committee had a policy to uphold.

1. BEATRIX POTTER.

Beatrix Potter was a children's author, most known for the Peter Rabbit series. That sounds about right; that's a charming, nonthreatening, non-emasculating and totally, quaintly appropriate career for a woman.

But the bit you probably don't don't know is that she was also an absolutely brilliant mycologist, someone who studies fungi and their effects. know is that she was also an absolutely brilliant mycologist, someone who studies fungi and their effects.

Since she was excluded from universities, Potter was forced to a.s.sist Scottish mycologist Charles McIntosh, ill.u.s.trating his fungal specimens (which is either exactly what it sounds like or s.e.xual innuendo was a much more dense and terrifying thing back in the day).

She became a pioneer in her field, proposing that lichens were a mixture of algae and fungus living in a symbiotic relationship, a revolutionary idea in the 1890s. She also noted that some fungi produced antibiotic chemicals, a discovery so important it shook the world . . . when it was discovered again again by Alexander Fleming! And, hey, we just discovered it right now! And so did you! Man, science is cake! by Alexander Fleming! And, hey, we just discovered it right now! And so did you! Man, science is cake!

Buried by the b.o.o.bs In 1897, Potter contributed a paper on mycology to the Linnean Society ent.i.tled "Germination of the Spores of the Agraricinae." It didn't get published. The Royal Society followed suit, scientifically c.o.c.k blocking Potter at every turn. In 1901, a disheartened Potter wrote and ill.u.s.trated The Tale of Peter Rabbit The Tale of Peter Rabbit as a means of keeping her drawing skills alive. The book's unexpected success, along with the collective and mult.i.tudinous shafting from the entire scientific community, persuaded her to drop her groundbreaking work in the sciences. In 1997, the Linnean Society publicly apologized for its treatment of her. Perhaps they owe the rest of the world an apology too: Because Fleming didn't "discover" penicillin until 1928 (see page 103), a full thirty years after Potter first identified it. If Potter's work hadn't been rejected, countless lives would have been saved. On the other hand, the world would have been denied the soothing balm of Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail. And, really, when you lay it all in the balance, which is the more effective antibiotic? as a means of keeping her drawing skills alive. The book's unexpected success, along with the collective and mult.i.tudinous shafting from the entire scientific community, persuaded her to drop her groundbreaking work in the sciences. In 1997, the Linnean Society publicly apologized for its treatment of her. Perhaps they owe the rest of the world an apology too: Because Fleming didn't "discover" penicillin until 1928 (see page 103), a full thirty years after Potter first identified it. If Potter's work hadn't been rejected, countless lives would have been saved. On the other hand, the world would have been denied the soothing balm of Flopsy, Mopsy, and Cotton-tail. And, really, when you lay it all in the balance, which is the more effective antibiotic?

Penicillin? Fair enough. Just trying to make a point.

THE AWFUL TRUTH BEHIND FIVE ITEMS ON YOUR GROCERY LIST.

HEY, that banana you're eating? It probably killed somebody! Well, sort of. Bananas don't kill people; people kill people . . . over bananas. And soda. And a bunch of other stuff you buy at the food store. For example: that banana you're eating? It probably killed somebody! Well, sort of. Bananas don't kill people; people kill people . . . over bananas. And soda. And a bunch of other stuff you buy at the food store. For example: 5. CHIQUITA BANANAS.