How To Be A Good Mortal Father To Your Demon Kids 26 Unicorn Genocide

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...☊⏃⌿⏁⏃⟟⋏⌇ ⌰⍜☌ ⏃⍙⍙ ⏁⊑⟒⊬ ⏃⍀ ⟒ ⌇⍜ ☊ ⎍⏁ ⟒ ⊬ou know watching my family bicker has always been a small pleasure of mine.

Lucifer, with his carefree att.i.tude, backed up and even enabled by Minos, who for all his life could never be even a little mean to his brothers, often fighting with Michael, who was probably the first boy scout in the universe.

Gabriel often supported Michael purely because Michael resembled a cat and he had a weakness for small angry b.a.l.l.s of fluff, the reality of it all was and still is Gabriel, the most pa.s.sive of the five so his support meant little in their daily fights, the worst he's done as far as I can tell is drug people into matrimony and force the entire family into therapy, thankfully I got out of it by pointing out that I made therapists so I am clearly the last person who needs one!

Well, his heart is in the right place, so we can't mind it much and it does no harm to indulge my sons every once in a while.

The littlest one Uriel...well, he has his issues but he is loved regardless, they are all my precious sons no matter what chaos they make.

Actually, chaos is one of the two things you need to create a universe.
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Good old fashioned chaos, you can't have a masterpiece without a few terrible sketches, even surgeons kill a few people off before they get it right and you can't blame them.

Well, actually you can take them to court and sue them for every penny they are worth, have them ruined for the rest of their lives, abandoned by their friends and family, scorned by their wives and husbands before they are kicked out into the street and now get by selling Mephentermine sulphate to wannabe athletes who eventually have a terrible drug-induced hallucination, get a heart attack and die in terrible shame in the great circle of life.

Well, that's depressing, but not as depressing as what the dinosaurs did to my unicorns.

Now that ticked me off, I had spent millennia working on a horse that wouldn't die at any given chance and on the test run...

CHOMP!!

They ate them!

All that work for nothing!

Horses were tricky enough to come up with and when I finally fixed their wonky design, then streamlined the many issues they had after accelerating their evolution to match their current 21st-century counterparts, they got devoured!

Their obligatory nasal breathing? I fixed that now unicorns could breathe from mouth, nose and ear ca.n.a.l, unnecessary I know but I wasn't taking any chances.

Exertional rhabdomyolysis, I fixed it; they can now run with the wind without dying at their own convenience,

Females cant have more than one unifoal? Congratulations you can now lay eggs, bountiful hard-sh.e.l.led eggs!

Soon the species would dominate the Cretaceous era and I even gave them a nice horn to fight of the velociraptors but no, the T-Rex found them then the unicorn genocide happened.

Celestial beings are the only ones that can answer; how many Tyrannosaurus Rex's does it take to wipe out an entire species of Monokeros Equidae or as they are more aptly known, the glorious unicorn?

The answer to that is one.

It takes one Tyrannosaurus Rex to wipe out an entire species of unicorn, what's worse is the starting couple had only been on the land for six days, they had fought off so many therapods and had made a fine nest to lay their first clutch when who else would show up but that d.a.m.ned dinosaur?!

Three thousand miles from their established feeding ground, what he was even doing up there was the main question but all my investigations pulled up nothing!

Why was he so far off their usual migratory course?!

There was no Bison for him there!

Clean water, fish, beef, chicken or the dinosaur equivalent, I had provided for that d.a.m.ned lizard but no, he just had to show up where he clearly wasn't wanted and instigate the worlds shortest genocide.

Two chomps.

That was all it took.

Well, they didn't suffer much, the male died from shock as soon as he saw the teeth...that was a tragedy if I ever saw one but if we are being honest he had already done his part in kick-starting the species, but the true calamity was the females' death.

That was what really made me furious!

He had no reason to eat the second one! He should have been satisfied! I should know because I designed his stomach its maximum capacity was three hogs, not two unicorns!

I did the math!

One T-rex can consume at most 1258.84 lbs per day one unicorn weighed 1873.93 lbs on average and an even 2000lbs when pregnant, ergo that lizard ate 3873.93 pounds of rainbow furred flesh which is well over three times the amount it should have been able to stomach!

Yet here we are, with no d.a.m.n unicorns...

Well, she was a brave one.

Jabbed him a couple of times before he chowed down on the poor thing, completing the unicorn extinction.

So, of course, I did what any reasonable deity would do when agitated at the slaughter of their pet project, I chucked an asteroid at that useless T-rex, sadly I didn't account for the resulting collateral damage that was the K-Pg extinction event… oops...well, I guess no more dinosaurs.

Don't blame me, Gabriel has pointed out that I have a severe lack of impulse control, but screw his diagnosis!

I did the mammals a favor ending the Cretaceous era; they would have never survived.

Speaking of mammals they seem to be s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g themselves over now anyway so whatever.

But back to the two things you need to create a universe, the first one is chaos of course but the second one is, for lack of a better word, a baby.

That's the meaning of creation people, you heard it here first, but I don't mean a living bag of tissue that you have to care for, devote your life and soul to the ungrateful whelp before they eventually turn on you like the rabid wolves they are.

Nope, it can be anything created and given a piece of oneself then granted free reign, planets start as gaseous ma.s.ses, animals start as lumps of flesh lacking basic cognitive function… It is not easy to understand but that's the whole point you build something, it turns out a little messy but it's alright, functional most of the time, then it goes off to build something else.

Making its own choices and whatnot, sometimes making terrible decisions like Lucifer who decided to overthrow me and he even got Minos in on it much to Uriel's horror, the poor boy was heartbroken when he watched his big brothers fight the war of the heavens, many lives were lost Michael burned off Lucifer's wings but Lucifer nearly beheaded him for that, Minos obliterated the seraphic hive before Gabriel rained down heaven fire on them.

I had to intervene when Lucifer used his strongest form; a Solar, I really didn't think he would but as the first one born of thought, he was the strongest among them and he could have easily wiped out his brothers and taken the heavens, but he couldn't take me, not in his wildest dreams, since I made him and all but he really thought he could at the time.

Wingless and mostly heavenly energy, he would have detonated himself in the heart of the heavens destroying everything, he never really explained why, because if he asked I'd have probably given them the t.i.tle and knowing my first creation was willing to harm both himself and his brothers just to get to me stung quite a lot but I got over it.

The real tragedy was that it kick-started Uriel's emo phase not to mention how awkward they got around each other, time heals all wounds and I'm glad they have something positive to focus on.

I chalked up the whole debacle to teen hormones and stupidity of youth.

All things considered, they've grown up as well as I could hope and looking at them now I'm pretty proud,

Minos became more a.s.sertive not encouraging his brother's terrible ideas,

Lucifer gained a sense of responsibility managing an entire dimension all by himself,

Michael forgave Lucifer for nearly destroying their home and reality itself, though all things considered he did burn off Lucifer's wings and they are still very catty towards each other,

Gabriel...well he's pretty much the same and Uriel became much more independent...provided Lucifer is not in the room and the family grew from there, I got a lot of daughters after Lucifer married anything that looked at him twice, they had children who now have children.

I didn't think Yu Yang wold turn Greek on us and go for a human but whatever he seems to be a nice mortal an all-round decent guy.

Satan isn't too happy about that but she'll get over it, she'll be thrilled when she realizes they all have her eyes.

I think a nice little family is a big step up from a deadly war between the five most dangerous beings I ever made not sure they are as much fun to read through though, my earlier logs were much more action-packed but whatever, peace is nice for however long it lasts.

Those kids have a great future ahead of them, adventure, legendary feats and I'm pretty sure they'll start the Apocalypse, in the grand scheme of things.

Yes, let them stir a little chaos its how the greatest stories are made...

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