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昨天 by 風弄 Chapter 21
Yesterday by Feng Nong.
Looking forward to the arrival of He ShuTing is now the center of my life. The other world that's filled with radiance seems to be beckoning me. I don't know if I have fallen in love with He ShuTing, because the circ.u.mstances don't allow it, he never did say it clearly to me, and also never acted out of bounds. I only know that when he looks at me, there is a gleam in his eyes, and when he speaks seemingly ordinary words from his lips, they seem to carry some other profound meaning. It could just be my imagination but I stubbornly persist in thinking this way.
YuJiang delivers on his promise. After that night, he actually personally went to the kitchen, and painstakingly prepared a serving of pickled chinese cabbage and dried shrimp soup for me. He carried the soup with greatest care, placing it before me saying:
"How is it? My handiwork is not too bad, right?" Steaming hot, a little dark reddish brown pickled chinese cabbage half afloat, half sinking in the soup, I can also see the big red dried shrimp at the bottom of the bowl. I don't have any appet.i.te but because I can't refuse YuJiang's earnest look, I lower my head and drink a spoonful. He asks: "Is it good?" His expression is like that of a child hoping for encouragement. It really is pretty good. My heart is suddenly sour, maybe due to the pickled cabbage that I'm chewing. I am unwilling to encourage him, and force myself to smile:
"It's too salty, I don't know how my mom cooks it, but I can't say that this is good." I intentionally provoke him, but it's only because I don't want to see his intimate smiling face again. I know I'm being mean. But if I were to reward him, and he again after a few days, washes his hands and makes soup for the me who is full of guilty conscience, tell me how can I bear it? What I most can't accept, most unable to guard against, is YuJiang's tender and doting behavior. It's like an extremely beautiful dream that is always tempting me to jump into this world of warmth and tenderness. But I insistently tell myself that this is not a dream, but only an illusion. Letting me waver everyday between believing and not believing is YuJiang's most cruel side. If you were to reveal a ferocious face, and throw me into the deepest level of h.e.l.l, cutting off any hope, that would be the best.
"It's not good?" With a look of disappointment, YuJiang puts a spoonful in his mouth, wrinkles his brows, and says with relief: "Maybe it's because you've just recovered from a severe illness, and your tastebuds have still not recovered. ShengSheng, that's why you're saying it's too salty." He actually goes as far as to feed me with the silver spoon, spoonful by spoonful. My heart starts to hurt terribly:
"I'll help myself."
"No," He firmly overrules me, a gentle voice in my ear: "I want to feed you." There's no helping it, I can only open my mouth and spoonful by spoonful, slowly drink the delicious soup delivered to my mouth. Truthfully, YuJiang's handiwork is pretty good. I'm used to eating at famous restaurants, so naturally I know that the ingredients of this soup are extremely particular. Most people think that ginseng with bird's nest soup is the most difficult to make. Little do they know that it is this type of delicate seafood soup that needs the most skill. It's only this but my heart is again not happy. I wooden my face and drink a few mouthfuls. I think of He ShuTing and feel a burst of powerlessness, quietly thinking that my future depends on him.
YuJiang slowly moves himself towards me to the center of the sofa and lets me lean of him in his embrace. YuJiang's chest is very firm, I immediately feel content and secure. I sigh comfortably.
"YuJiang, it's good if we can be like this our whole lives." YuJiang replies, completely lacking emotion:
"Of course it will be all our lives." Yet another spoonful. "ShengSheng, drink a little more, the shrimp is rich in protein." Nutrition. I think of He ShuTing, my heart is again in a terrible mess. I turn my head and see YuJiang looking at me lovingly, if he knew I'm planning to run away, what kind of expression would it turn into? Would he still wear this mask and destroy me thoroughly with a gentle smile? I can't take it anymore! I just want to leave YuJiang, simply spending each day, thinking that I won't be able to last any longer. I'm definitely steeped in his poison. The only way out is to leave as soon as possible.
I pa.s.s the time uneasy and agitated. I pace around in the room, berating the servants at my side. No matter if it those that deliver my meals, or those that prepare my clothes and other daily necessities, I would scold them unceasingly, saying that they were not earnest and lazy. ZhouHeng knocks on the door and enters asking: "Mr. Huang is in a bad mood, would you like to go out and stroll for a bit? If you'd like to, I'll prepare the car immediately." I sneer:
"Bad mood? How do you know I'm in a bad mood? That's right, I've forgotten the position I'm in. I'm in no position to simply scold the servants of Rong mansion. It's good enough if you call Rong YuJiang to let him know, let him come and deal with me." ZhouHeng's expression remains unchanged, he lowers his head and lets the door close, leaving me alone in this deserted room.
YuJiang returns at night and hugs me saying:
"Why are you in a bad mood?" I smile coldly:
"Of course, I've already recovered, so I'm full of vital energy. If you find me too difficult to deal with, you should just forget about me."
"ShengSheng, you've always shown consideration and thoughtfulness for others, with the best intentions. If you scold them, it must be that they are in the wrong." I don't know if YuJiang is speaking the truth or lies. I steal a glance at him and see only a face full of bliss. It's as if sitting hugging each other like this on the sofa, looking over all of Rong mansion is already our lifetime's highest achievement. Again I feel myself twist in distress, a turmoil stirring within me.
Luckily He ShuTing soon comes to see me again. As soon as I heard ZhouHeng say that someone is here to see me, I immediately jump up. ShuTing is still the same as ever, coming in saying:
"The person outside says that you have been in a bad mood recently. He wants me be careful with my words so as to not anger you." I brighten considerably and smile. He asks: "Is your body feeling a little better?"
"Aren't you the doctor? You're asking me?" Undoubtedly ShuTing is the most effective medication. I have a pain in my heart, he is the cure for the heart. The words were all but gossip but our expressions were not at all casual, our eyes meeting with meaning. At parting, another slip of paper is again swiftly pressed into my palm. I hold it tightly and turning my hand press a slip of paper from me into his palm. ShuTing is surprised, smiling lightly at me in admiration. It's impolite not to reciprocate.
In a moment of safety, I restrain my excitement and open it ----------- "I want to save you." A brief 5 words, seeing them I feel a wave of having been wronged wash over me, almost causing me to cry. The slip of paper I gave to ShuTing, actually also has 5 words ------------ "Beg you to save me." Since then, back and forth, we discuss the practical problems in this stimulating and dangerous matter. Each time, we can only exchange slips of paper, since I do not know if other than the listening bug, whether there are other equipment in the room. I wait until I'm soaking in the bathtub before opening the slips of paper. It can't be that YuJiang allows ZhouHeng to spy on me while I'm taking a bath right?
"I'm thinking up a plan, don't worry."
"YuJiang is terrifying, be careful."
"Even though Rong enterprise is formidable, the He family has its own backing."
......................................................
One slip by one slip, bringing hope, knowing that inevitably there will be a day when I will escape from here. These little slips of paper, are like breaths of oxygen sustaining me to keep me from suffocating to death before the chance to escape arrives.
One night, Yujiang is in bed holding me in his arms. He says:
"ShengSheng, I really want you." I jumped in fright. This one phrase only means that he wants to have s.e.x with me. I can't really blame him. Ever since I fell ill, he has not insisted on having s.e.x with me. Sleeping in the same bed every night, it's reasonable to want to do it. I keep quiet, staring wide-eyed at him, fearing that he will really take out a pair of handcuffs. I also think: Such a horrible beast, why is ShuTing not quickly taking action, saving me from this sea of flames? YuJiang sees my expression and sighs saying: "Forget it." He hugs my neck and closes his eyes. I let out a huge sigh, feeling a little touched, and instead feel comfortable and at ease in his embrace.
Unexpectedly, although he intends to fall asleep, he instead tosses and turns, fidgety and uneasy. We are all adults, I know how hard it is for him to restrain himself. I restrain myself and pretend to sleep, watching him for half the night, seeing him get up quietly to drink some water and then leaning over me and examining my sleeping face. He sighs continuously, just as if the thing he wants the most is right in front of him, but he has no way of getting it. He climbs onto the bed and goes to sleep holding me in his arms.
Now it's my turn to be unable to sleep. So many days without intimate contact, I unexpectedly feel a little frustrated. But I absolutely do not long for YuJiang's embrace, his movements in bed is not different from rape. It's just that my body has its needs, that's all. But .................. How many more chances do I have to be so close to YuJiang, to hear him call me intimately in the throes of pa.s.sion, to let his sweat drip on my forehead, drip on my chest? I warn myself again and again, to not be affected by his tender poison. It can't be helped, I can't endure it. I turn over and look at his sleeping face, with his faintly knitted brows. Such a handsome face, why is he showing such a bitter expression even in his sleep? YuJiang, who is troubling you? It's definitely not me. I can't stop myself, I stretch out my hand and gently caress his face. So smooth, not even a trace of stubble, just like me. In a moment of weakness, I sigh softly, and kiss him.
Yesterday by Feng Nong.
Looking forward to the arrival of He ShuTing is now the center of my life. The other world that's filled with radiance seems to be beckoning me. I don't know if I have fallen in love with He ShuTing, because the circ.u.mstances don't allow it, he never did say it clearly to me, and also never acted out of bounds. I only know that when he looks at me, there is a gleam in his eyes, and when he speaks seemingly ordinary words from his lips, they seem to carry some other profound meaning. It could just be my imagination but I stubbornly persist in thinking this way.
YuJiang delivers on his promise. After that night, he actually personally went to the kitchen, and painstakingly prepared a serving of pickled chinese cabbage and dried shrimp soup for me. He carried the soup with greatest care, placing it before me saying:
"How is it? My handiwork is not too bad, right?" Steaming hot, a little dark reddish brown pickled chinese cabbage half afloat, half sinking in the soup, I can also see the big red dried shrimp at the bottom of the bowl. I don't have any appet.i.te but because I can't refuse YuJiang's earnest look, I lower my head and drink a spoonful. He asks: "Is it good?" His expression is like that of a child hoping for encouragement. It really is pretty good. My heart is suddenly sour, maybe due to the pickled cabbage that I'm chewing. I am unwilling to encourage him, and force myself to smile:
"It's too salty, I don't know how my mom cooks it, but I can't say that this is good." I intentionally provoke him, but it's only because I don't want to see his intimate smiling face again. I know I'm being mean. But if I were to reward him, and he again after a few days, washes his hands and makes soup for the me who is full of guilty conscience, tell me how can I bear it? What I most can't accept, most unable to guard against, is YuJiang's tender and doting behavior. It's like an extremely beautiful dream that is always tempting me to jump into this world of warmth and tenderness. But I insistently tell myself that this is not a dream, but only an illusion. Letting me waver everyday between believing and not believing is YuJiang's most cruel side. If you were to reveal a ferocious face, and throw me into the deepest level of h.e.l.l, cutting off any hope, that would be the best.
"It's not good?" With a look of disappointment, YuJiang puts a spoonful in his mouth, wrinkles his brows, and says with relief: "Maybe it's because you've just recovered from a severe illness, and your tastebuds have still not recovered. ShengSheng, that's why you're saying it's too salty." He actually goes as far as to feed me with the silver spoon, spoonful by spoonful. My heart starts to hurt terribly:
"I'll help myself."
"No," He firmly overrules me, a gentle voice in my ear: "I want to feed you." There's no helping it, I can only open my mouth and spoonful by spoonful, slowly drink the delicious soup delivered to my mouth. Truthfully, YuJiang's handiwork is pretty good. I'm used to eating at famous restaurants, so naturally I know that the ingredients of this soup are extremely particular. Most people think that ginseng with bird's nest soup is the most difficult to make. Little do they know that it is this type of delicate seafood soup that needs the most skill. It's only this but my heart is again not happy. I wooden my face and drink a few mouthfuls. I think of He ShuTing and feel a burst of powerlessness, quietly thinking that my future depends on him.
YuJiang slowly moves himself towards me to the center of the sofa and lets me lean of him in his embrace. YuJiang's chest is very firm, I immediately feel content and secure. I sigh comfortably.
"YuJiang, it's good if we can be like this our whole lives." YuJiang replies, completely lacking emotion:
"Of course it will be all our lives." Yet another spoonful. "ShengSheng, drink a little more, the shrimp is rich in protein." Nutrition. I think of He ShuTing, my heart is again in a terrible mess. I turn my head and see YuJiang looking at me lovingly, if he knew I'm planning to run away, what kind of expression would it turn into? Would he still wear this mask and destroy me thoroughly with a gentle smile? I can't take it anymore! I just want to leave YuJiang, simply spending each day, thinking that I won't be able to last any longer. I'm definitely steeped in his poison. The only way out is to leave as soon as possible.
I pa.s.s the time uneasy and agitated. I pace around in the room, berating the servants at my side. No matter if it those that deliver my meals, or those that prepare my clothes and other daily necessities, I would scold them unceasingly, saying that they were not earnest and lazy. ZhouHeng knocks on the door and enters asking: "Mr. Huang is in a bad mood, would you like to go out and stroll for a bit? If you'd like to, I'll prepare the car immediately." I sneer:
"Bad mood? How do you know I'm in a bad mood? That's right, I've forgotten the position I'm in. I'm in no position to simply scold the servants of Rong mansion. It's good enough if you call Rong YuJiang to let him know, let him come and deal with me." ZhouHeng's expression remains unchanged, he lowers his head and lets the door close, leaving me alone in this deserted room.
YuJiang returns at night and hugs me saying:
"Why are you in a bad mood?" I smile coldly:
"Of course, I've already recovered, so I'm full of vital energy. If you find me too difficult to deal with, you should just forget about me."
"ShengSheng, you've always shown consideration and thoughtfulness for others, with the best intentions. If you scold them, it must be that they are in the wrong." I don't know if YuJiang is speaking the truth or lies. I steal a glance at him and see only a face full of bliss. It's as if sitting hugging each other like this on the sofa, looking over all of Rong mansion is already our lifetime's highest achievement. Again I feel myself twist in distress, a turmoil stirring within me.
Luckily He ShuTing soon comes to see me again. As soon as I heard ZhouHeng say that someone is here to see me, I immediately jump up. ShuTing is still the same as ever, coming in saying:
"The person outside says that you have been in a bad mood recently. He wants me be careful with my words so as to not anger you." I brighten considerably and smile. He asks: "Is your body feeling a little better?"
"Aren't you the doctor? You're asking me?" Undoubtedly ShuTing is the most effective medication. I have a pain in my heart, he is the cure for the heart. The words were all but gossip but our expressions were not at all casual, our eyes meeting with meaning. At parting, another slip of paper is again swiftly pressed into my palm. I hold it tightly and turning my hand press a slip of paper from me into his palm. ShuTing is surprised, smiling lightly at me in admiration. It's impolite not to reciprocate.
In a moment of safety, I restrain my excitement and open it ----------- "I want to save you." A brief 5 words, seeing them I feel a wave of having been wronged wash over me, almost causing me to cry. The slip of paper I gave to ShuTing, actually also has 5 words ------------ "Beg you to save me." Since then, back and forth, we discuss the practical problems in this stimulating and dangerous matter. Each time, we can only exchange slips of paper, since I do not know if other than the listening bug, whether there are other equipment in the room. I wait until I'm soaking in the bathtub before opening the slips of paper. It can't be that YuJiang allows ZhouHeng to spy on me while I'm taking a bath right?
"I'm thinking up a plan, don't worry."
"YuJiang is terrifying, be careful."
"Even though Rong enterprise is formidable, the He family has its own backing."
......................................................
One slip by one slip, bringing hope, knowing that inevitably there will be a day when I will escape from here. These little slips of paper, are like breaths of oxygen sustaining me to keep me from suffocating to death before the chance to escape arrives.
One night, Yujiang is in bed holding me in his arms. He says:
"ShengSheng, I really want you." I jumped in fright. This one phrase only means that he wants to have s.e.x with me. I can't really blame him. Ever since I fell ill, he has not insisted on having s.e.x with me. Sleeping in the same bed every night, it's reasonable to want to do it. I keep quiet, staring wide-eyed at him, fearing that he will really take out a pair of handcuffs. I also think: Such a horrible beast, why is ShuTing not quickly taking action, saving me from this sea of flames? YuJiang sees my expression and sighs saying: "Forget it." He hugs my neck and closes his eyes. I let out a huge sigh, feeling a little touched, and instead feel comfortable and at ease in his embrace.
Unexpectedly, although he intends to fall asleep, he instead tosses and turns, fidgety and uneasy. We are all adults, I know how hard it is for him to restrain himself. I restrain myself and pretend to sleep, watching him for half the night, seeing him get up quietly to drink some water and then leaning over me and examining my sleeping face. He sighs continuously, just as if the thing he wants the most is right in front of him, but he has no way of getting it. He climbs onto the bed and goes to sleep holding me in his arms.
Now it's my turn to be unable to sleep. So many days without intimate contact, I unexpectedly feel a little frustrated. But I absolutely do not long for YuJiang's embrace, his movements in bed is not different from rape. It's just that my body has its needs, that's all. But .................. How many more chances do I have to be so close to YuJiang, to hear him call me intimately in the throes of pa.s.sion, to let his sweat drip on my forehead, drip on my chest? I warn myself again and again, to not be affected by his tender poison. It can't be helped, I can't endure it. I turn over and look at his sleeping face, with his faintly knitted brows. Such a handsome face, why is he showing such a bitter expression even in his sleep? YuJiang, who is troubling you? It's definitely not me. I can't stop myself, I stretch out my hand and gently caress his face. So smooth, not even a trace of stubble, just like me. In a moment of weakness, I sigh softly, and kiss him.
