Black Milk Part 8

Shortly after the food service, I walk down the corridor to go to the toilet. Out of the corner of my eye, I check to see what the other pa.s.sengers are reading, craning my head left and right to decipher the t.i.tles of the books they are holding. I notice some Westerners reading books on Turkey or Istanbul (including a novel of mine), which intrigues me, because most tourists read about a foreign country before they go to see it, but very few continue reading after they have seen it.

There are two vacant restrooms. As soon as I open the door of the first one and step inside, I freeze on the spot. There, next to the liquidsoap dispenser beside the sink, stands a finger-woman. I'm just about to say "excuse me" and leave when she calls out.

"No, please, stay. . . . I want to talk to you."

I look at the stranger quizzically. She kind of resembles the others in the Choir of Discordant Voices. She is no taller than them, but probably weighs more. She has a kind, round, freckled face, a pointy chin, hair the color of Turkish coffee and eyes so blue they suck you in. She's wearing no makeup except for eyeliner and perhaps some mascara on her long lashes, it's hard to tell. She seems to be in her early or mid-thirties, and I am sure I've never seen her before.

"Who are you?"

"Don't you recognize me?" she says again, sounding slightly offended.

I scan her from head to toe. She is wearing an aquamarine dress that reaches her knees, red shoes without heels, a belt of the same color, beige nylon stockings. Her wavy hair is held back in a ponytail by a modest hair band. The chubbiness of her cheeks is due to her extra pounds, but she seems to be at peace with her body. She doesn't have the tense air that the calorie-counting Little Miss Practical radiates.

"I'm one of your inner voices," she says finally.

"Really? I've never seen you before. Did you just arrive?"

"Actually, I've been with you since you were a little girl playing with dollhouses," she says.

Confused and clueless, I ask her name.

"They call me Mama Rice Pudding."

I break into a laugh, but when I see her scowl I swallow my chuckles and put on a serious face.

"I see you find my name amusing," she says coldly.

"I am sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

At my guilty pause she smiles. "What strikes me is that you don't find the names of the others amusing at all," she says. "You don't laugh at Milady Ambitious Chekhovian or Miss Highbrowed Cynic, do you?"

She's right. I have nothing to say.

"My name is what it is because I happen to be a motherly, loving person," she continues, flipping her hands upward to make a point.

"Really?" I say, under my breath.

"Yes, I relish hanging bamboo wind chimes on the porch, growing begonias in cute little pots, pickling vegetables in the summer, making pink grapefruit marmalade. . . . You know, keeping the home fires burning. I know how to get ink stains off carpets, what to do when you spill olive oil on your best skirt, how to clean a rusted teapot and other important tricks. I bake pastries and desserts. Just this month one of my recipes has been featured in a cooking video, and they named it Mama's Heavenly Rice Pudding."

For almost a minute I don't say anything. I am sure there must be a mistake and I consider how to kindly break the news to her. There is no way a finger-woman like her can be one of my inner voices. I lack the skill to crack eggs for an omelet or the patience to boil water for tea. I hate house ch.o.r.es and other domestic duties, and avoid them as much and as best as I can. My friends don't need to know about this, but I could live in a room without cleaning it for days and weeks, and if the going gets rough, I'd prefer to redecorate the room than to have to clean it. And if the entire house gets too dirty, I'd rather move into a new one than have to vacuum, scrub and polish it thoroughly. My take on this is that of a hotel client, easygoing and laid-back: I like to sleep in my bed knowing that I'll not have to wash and iron the sheets the next day.

Mama Rice Pudding purses her lips and pouts as if she can read my thoughts. "You never let me speak, not once! You stored me away in the depot of your personality, and then forgot all about me. All these years, I've been waiting for you to accept and love me as I am."

That is when a bigger wave of guilt begins tugging at the edges of my mind. I feel like an old-fashioned conservative parent who has renounced his son for being gay and pretends he doesn't even exist. Is that what I have done to the maternal side of me?

"How about the other finger-women?" I ask. "Do they know about you?"

"Of course they do," replies Mama Rice Pudding. "But they prefer not to tell you about me and the other chick."

"What do you mean by 'the other chick'?"

But she ignores my question. "Like many young women I, too, want to get married, wear a wedding dress, have a diamond ring, raise children and cruise the sales aisles of supermarkets. But you pushed away all my desires and looked down on them with such force that I couldn't even mention them. I was silenced, suppressed and denied."

I think of Anais Nin again-a vigorous woman who once said, "Ordinary life does not interest me"; who believed that a critical writer such as herself could never make a housewife. She had an unruly side, a mostly disordered lifestyle and more than one lover by her side. "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage," she would say.

"What are you thinking about?" Mama Rice Pudding asks.

"Anais Nin . . ." I murmur, not expecting her to recognize the name.

But she does. "Those edgy avant-garde writers!" she says, spitting the words out. "You know what your problem is? You read too much, that's your problem."

"Wait a minute, what kind of criticism is that?"

But she raves on about the terrible effects of books on my soul, getting more and more carried away. "You convinced yourself that you couldn't be a normal woman. Why do you frown upon the ordinary?"

Seeing that this conversation is taking on political overtones, I try to navigate my way through it as delicately as I can. "Hmm . . . Miss Highbrowed Cynic always says whatever calamity has befallen humanity is because of ordinary people. She quotes the bright Jewish woman philosopher Hannah Arendt, who has shown us that fascism has thrived and grown due not to the bad people with wicked aims but, in fact, to the ordinary people with good intentions."

"Oh my G.o.d," she says, rolling her eyes. "Do you see what you are doing to yourself? Here I am talking about marriage and motherhood and m.u.f.fins, and you respond by alluding to Hitler and the n.a.z.is."

Baffled, I gape at her without so much as a blink.

"Forget about all the other finger-women," she continues. "They've been eating away at you for years. Don't belittle the beauty of the ordinary, of seeking simple pleasures. You and I can have so much fun together."

"Really? Like what?"

She beams. "We can go to the farmers' market every weekend, buy organic zucchini. We can wait in front of stores at dawn with thermoses in our hands, and dash inside the second the doors open and start grabbing sale items before anyone else. We can decorate our home from top to bottom with scented candles and flowers of matching colors. Trust me, you'll love it. Have you ever set a beautiful dinner table? Do you know how gratifying it is when your family and friends commend your culinary skills?"

Before I find the chance to give her an obvious answer, we hear a sudden noise at the door. I open it slightly and peek out.

To my surprise, there is a line in front of the restroom. And at the very front stands Milady Ambitious Chekhovian in her dark green general's uniform. Tapping her military boots and fidgeting nervously, she appears to be in mighty need of going to the toilet.

A shadow of panic crosses Mama Rice Pudding's face. "Oh, no! Not that monster!"

"What do you want me to do?" I ask.

"Please don't tell them I am here. They'll tear me to shreds, those witches!"

She is right. Milady Ambitious Chekhovian with her doggedness, Miss Highbrowed Cynic with her pessimism, Little Miss Practical with her intolerance of anything that takes longer than ten minutes to prepare, would tear Mama Rice Pudding apart. I need to protect her from her sisters.

"Don't worry, you are safe with me. I won't whisper a word."

Smiling warmly she reaches for my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. Her fingers are not manicured and well groomed like Little Miss Practical's; they aren't decked with rings like Milady Ambitious Chekhovian's or chewed up like Miss Highbrowed Cynic's. They are rough from hard work, pink and plump. I am bewildered by the affection I feel for her. If she is my motherly side, isn't it weird that I feel the need to mother her?

"Wait a minute, how are you going to get into America?" I ask. "Do you have a visa?"

"I don't need a visa," she says. "They don't even search finger-women like me at airports."

I can see why. It'd be hard to find a terrorist streak in her.

"I'm not worried about the external world," she says. "You just keep that coven of finger-women away from me and I'll be just fine."

"Okay."

"Please promise me that you will not let them ever crush me again."

As I ponder how to skirt this demand and how to get her out of this restroom without the other Thumbelinas seeing her, the plane experiences turbulence. The pilot announces that everyone must return to their seats and fasten their seat belts.

A few seconds later, I open the door. The line has dispersed and I can see that Milady Ambitious Chekhovian is already in her seat.

"The coast is clear now," I say to Mama Rice Pudding. "You can go out."

"I will," she says with a new edge to her voice. "But you haven't given me your promise yet."

It is one of those moments when I know I should be totally honest and tell the truth, but for the sake of courtesy or out of pure cowardice, I simply can't. Instead, I tell her what she wants to hear, even though I know deep down inside that I can't keep that promise.

"I swear I will not let the other finger-women silence you."

A huge smile lights up her face. "Thanks. I know I can trust you."

"By the way, who is this other chick you were talking about?" I hear myself asking.

"You will meet her when the time is ripe."

"But why is she hiding?"

"She is not hiding. None of us is. It's you who doesn't acknowledge our presence. For years, you've given all your attention to Little Miss Practical, Miss Highbrowed Cynic, Milady Ambitious Chekhovian and Dame Dervish."

"I understand," I say, although I am not sure I do.

"Okay, we need to go now."

"Well, it was really nice to meet you."

"Likewise," she says, blushing. "I guess I will see you around."

Still smiling, she slips out the door. I stay in the restroom a few more seconds, slightly shaking-not knowing whether it's due to the turbulence or to the confusion in my mind.

It dawns upon me that I don't know myself very well. Throughout my adult life, I've favored certain voices inside me at the expense of others. How many inner voices are there that I have yet to meet?

I go back to my seat.

Until the plane touches down in New York, this is all I think about.

A Festive Banquet Simone de Beauvoir, even more than fifty years after her death, remains a diva in the history of the feminist movement. At her funeral in 1956, thousands of mourners heard an unforgettable phrase: "Women, you owe her everything"-a phrase that says a lot about her charisma and legendary heritage. You may not agree with everything she said, you may not even like her personality, but you cannot turn a blind eye to her work or intellectual legacy.

"One is not born a woman, but becomes one," she stated famously. For centuries girls were taught that their most important roles in life were s.e.xuality, childbearing and motherhood. Armed with the small task of ensuring the continuation of the human race, young women were rarely, if ever, encouraged to pursue their studies and make more of their talents. In the France of the 1940s, motherhood was almost a religious duty, unquestionable and sacrosanct. Simone de Beauvoir knew what she was talking about, being raised by a staunch Catholic mother.

Waging a pa.s.sionate war against bourgeois norms, she questioned the inst.i.tutions of marriage and motherhood at great length. She said many women longed to rediscover themselves in their children-a "psychological need" she clearly did not share. She and Sartre were a committed but free couple-independent, self-reliant and sufficient for each other. Bourgeois marital life was full of lies, deceptions and unrealistic pledges of fidelity. Determined not to repeat the mistakes of their parents, they had made a pact: They would tell each other everything. They were both open to the idea of "experiencing contingent love affairs." Besides, she believed that maternity was incompatible with the life she had chosen as a writer and intellectual. She needed time, concentration and freedom to pursue her ideals.

In The Second s.e.x, de Beauvoir reiterates Hegel's famous dictum that the birth of children often goes hand in hand with the death of parents. Yet, despite her strong feelings on marriage and motherhood, de Beauvoir's writings bear traces of another truth underneath: that if Sartre had wanted to have children, in her desire to please him she could have become a mother. She adored him. To her the sun of a new society rose from the depths of his eyes. He was the only man she respected more than she desired-the man whose time, work and ideas she had had to share with hundreds of other people, some of whom were women far more beautiful and ambitious than she was. And yet she knew how special she was in his eyes. Since the day their paths intersected in 1929 when they were both students at the ecole Normale Superieure, he had been many things to her-a comrade, a lover, a father, a son, a brother, a tutor, a best friend and an impossible dream.

One should not be fooled by the terms of endearment she uses in her letters to him: "my little man," or "my dear little being." He was a giant to her-a man she addressed with the formal vous all the time. If he had wanted to start a family, she would have probably gone ahead, even though she clearly thought that motherhood was not meant for the likes of her. Though she was hurt by Sartre's infidelities, she continued to defend the pact they had made. Simone de Beauvoir was a woman of impeccable a.n.a.lyses and unexpected conflicts.

If the broader society was not ready to address motherhood in a critical light, the intellectual circles-by definition progressive and open-minded-were just as unprepared, not to mention disproportionately male. There was a widespread silence in the world of books when it came to issues such as premenstrual syndrome, postpartum depression or menopause. Likewise, hardly anyone wrote about the Bermuda triangle of "ideal wifediligent housekeeperselfless mother" whereby so many women's creative talents disappeared into the vortex. In a milieu such as this de Beauvoir faced deeply rooted prejudices and cliches. She wrote and spoke fervently on how women were being "forced to choose" between the brain and the body.

She was equally critical of those women who had willingly internalized gender inequalities, seeing themselves as inferior to their male counterparts. "Even the lowliest of men sees himself a demi-G.o.d when faced with a woman," she remarked. Her mind was corrosive, her pen was sharp and her personality was highly contentious. Once she said she found it quite normal that many people among the middle cla.s.s hated her. "If it were any other way, I would begin to doubt myself."

It wasn't only Western feminists who questioned the romanticized sacredness of motherhood. In the East, too, there were heated debates. The j.a.panese feminist movement opened up the term bosei-the natural motherly instinct-for discussion. They put forth the claim that maternal roles were more cultural than natural and biological.

Female writers in j.a.pan brought new blood to these debates, questioning gender stereotypes through their fiction. In 1983 Yuko Tsushima published Child of Fortune, which features a remarkable female protagonist-a headstrong, nonconformist divorcee-torn between the realities of her heart and the ideal of womanhood taught by society. Although she doesn't necessarily consider herself a feminist writer, Tsushima has critically explored themes of gender and s.e.xuality in her works. Perhaps she is spiritually connected with another j.a.panese author of the past century, Toshiko Tamura-one of the country's earliest, most outspoken female writers-whose royalties, after her sudden death in 1945, were used to establish a literary prize for women writers. In a story t.i.tled "A Woman Writer," Tamura describes a scene where an angry husband, himself a writer, reprimands his wife, who is struggling to write a pa.s.sage. The husband believes women are not good writers. They are indecisive and insecure, wasting a hundred pages to write only ten. His words reiterate the belief that men write for more serious and sublime reasons, and are therefore earnest writers, whereas for women writing is merely a hobby.

There is a similarly influential woman writer in Turkish literature whose unique voice continues to echo today, long after her pa.s.sing. In the antagonistic environment of the 1970s, when the country was divided between leftists and rightists, Sevgi Soysal questioned, in clever, flowing prose, patriarchal precedents on all sides.

She was the writer of women dangling on the threshold-between sanity and insanity, society and the individual, setting the table and walking away, endless self-sacrifice and impromptu selfishness. . . . She created female characters who straddled the divide between living for others and following their hearts. One of her unforgettable fictional characters is Tante Rosa: Tante Rosa left a letter behind. She left three children, one of them still on the bottle, a recipe for roasted goose and apple pie, and instructions on how to clean the table cloth for the maid whom she had also taught the art of arranging shelves. She left a little garden with marigolds, a house with a wooden staircase, high ceilings, and a grandfather clock; a husband who went to church every Sunday morning, and crawled into her bed every Sunday afternoon; neighbors who had big, bright hats, snot-nosed children, their own husbands and roasted goose. . . . She left her left breast behind, the breast that covered her heart. And walked away.

Soysal's female characters are, for all intents and purposes, the exact opposite of the "ideal women" of Turkish society. Hers are women who make mistakes, stumble on their path and hurt their knees, and yet, each time, somehow manage to pull themselves together.

In another novel, she writes about a woman named Oya, who is deeply fragmented in her desires and obligations.

"I'll go to the sea. Any sea sh.o.r.e at all." The beautiful scenery along the sh.o.r.e road that begins in Alanya and curves its way up to the Aegean Sea flashes before her eyes. Blue. Wide. Sea. Rocks. Forest. And what of her husband? What of her house? What of her children? And her other responsibilities? At the moment there is no blue, no freedom, no forest. There is only more duties creeping ever closer.

In my mind I organize a banquet in heaven. A long table with a snow-white tablecloth, elegant cutlery and silver candleholders. A huge glittering crystal chandelier hangs over the center of the table. There is roasted goose, rice with saffron and mouthwatering desserts on vast plates. Simone de Beauvoir sits in a high chair at one end of the table. Though she gives the impression of sulking, she is actually happy. On her right is Toshiko Tamura with her elegant eyegla.s.ses, eating fried rice with chopsticks, putting thought into each grain. On her left is Sevgi Soysal, who doesn't have much of an appet.i.te, but she, too, is in a good mood. Humming a slow tune, she takes a sip from her winegla.s.s.

A French woman, a j.a.panese woman and a Turkish woman-three determined writers, three autonomous individuals, who lived worlds apart but spoke the same language-could they be dining together in heaven now? I'd like to think so.

In Search of the Mother G.o.ddess On the second day of September, I descend from a bus that has PETER PAN written in gaudy, capital letters on both sides. The name suits my mood. I, too, feel like "a boy who wouldn't grow up," and this place with its unfamiliar landscape and fickle weather could very well be Neverland. I drag a big, blue suitcase on wheels, and carry a cat box-except there is no cat inside, but four finger-women. Though they had raised no complaints during the eleven-hour flight from Istanbul, in the one-and-a-half-hour bus ride from Boston they have been constantly whining or puking.

As soon as I step down onto the sidewalk, the silence on the campus is like a slap on the face. My ears are so used to the constant chaos and crazy rhythm of Istanbul that I fear I may go deaf here. I see people, but n.o.body is shouting, yelling or whistling. Even the squirrels seem to tiptoe so as not to make noise. I find the stillness unsettling.

But the campus is lovely. It is vast and green as far as the eye can see. There are tall, thick trees everywhere, speaking in gnarled mystery. There are dozens of other languages being spoken here-the college being home to more than two thousand students from almost seventy countries. One out of every three students is a foreigner like me.

This impressive, cosmopolitan college is the outcome of one woman's vision. In 1837, an idealistic teacher named Mary Lyon began to advocate for the right of female students to be given the same level of education as male students. At a time when women did not yet have the right to vote, her views were quite radical. But Mary Lyon persevered, and after much struggle and several setbacks, she managed to collect the necessary funds to found the college. Since then, thousands have graduated from Mount Holyoke, and perhaps with each new graduate, Mary Lyon's spirit has been rejoicing.

Mount Holyoke and neighboring Smith College were nerve centers of the 1960s and 1970s American feminist movement. When I set foot here, the tradition is still visibly alive. In addition to feminists, postfeminists and half-and-half feminists (those who appreciate feminism but do not necessarily like feminists), there are also plenty of Wiccans in search of spiritual union with Mother G.o.ddess, and quite a number of bis.e.xual and lesbian activists.

All this-squirrels and lesbians-I write about in a column for a widely circulated Turkish newspaper known for its conservative readership. Understandably, the feedback to my columns is mixed. Overall, my readers in Turkey seem to be more surprised by the fact that n.o.body catches the squirrels and cooks them (not that we have a national squirrel dish; I don't know where they get this idea from) than by the sight of lesbian couples walking hand in hand. I take this as a progressive sign.

There is one poster that grabs my attention from day one-that of a female worker wearing blue overalls, a red and white bandana on her head and a shirt with one sleeve rolled up to reveal a tensed and muscled bicep like that of Popeye the Sailor Man. She adorns the walls around campus. "You can succeed, you can stand tall and be strong in this male-driven world" is the slogan everywhere.

On my second day, I discover the building that will become my favorite place during my entire stay: the gigantic, gaudy, gothic library. It's love at first sight. From handwritten books to modern literature, political philosophy to botanical science, I roam the aisles touching the books, smelling them.

But no one appreciates the library more than Miss Highbrowed Cynic. The second she spots the building, which resembles Rapunzel's castle from a distance, she jumps with joy and yells so loudly, she damages her vocal cords.

Fall goes by and the trees shed their first leaves, painting the entire campus in amber, red and brown. In the mornings, Little Miss Practical and I go jogging. One day on the way back we stop by the library.

We find Miss Highbrowed Cynic sitting on a shelf, hunched over an open book. Using a sharpened pencil as a pole, she vaults from one stack of books to the next. She also has a string ladder to climb to higher shelves. Every time she moves, the peace-sign earrings on her lobes and the bangles on her arms jingle. The black T-shirt she is wearing over her jeans has this message written across: "ANTI-WAR / ANTI-RACISM / ANTI-HATE."

"Hi, Sister," she says to me, and slightly frowns at Little Miss Practical. Since we have come to America the conflicts among the finger-women have surfaced again, their temporary coalition dissolving fast.