Black Milk Part 10

"I know you. Whoever you see on the roof, you'll say, 'G.o.d must have sent us this thief for a reason,' and you'll end up inviting the thug for dinner! You are too soft-hearted for the job. It's best if I go."

She has a point, I admit. Milady Ambitious Chekhovian has always been the bravest of the Choir of Discordant Voices. But since she masterminded a coup d'etat, her audacity has tripled.

"All right, you go, then," I say.

Fully focused on her mission, she grabs a plastic fork as a weapon and goes off into the dark.

Milady Ambitious Chekhovian has no sooner disappeared than a commotion erupts on the roof, piercing the night's stillness. The squirrels inhabiting the trees around the center stick their heads out of their holes, trying to understand what is going on. A few of them jump down and vanish.

We hear Milady Ambitious Chekhovian's voice crack as she shouts at someone. The perceptible alarm in her tone is quickly replaced by anger and aversion. Whoever the other person is, she doesn't seem to quarrel, doesn't retort.

Ten minutes later Milady Ambitious Chekhovian comes back downstairs and attempts to stab a tangerine with her fork, fuming and furious. We all watch the fork break into two pieces.

"What is it? What happened?" I ask.

"See for yourself," she says. Then she turns toward the door, almost hissing. "Are you coming or not?"

Slowly, shyly, as if willing herself to disappear into the thick night, a finger-woman walks in. I recognize her immediately. It is Mama Rice Pudding.

"h.e.l.lo there!" I pick her up and place her on my palm.

"You two know each other?" Milady Ambitious Chekhovian asks.

"Well, hmm . . . We've . . . m-met once," I stutter.

"Oh, yeah? When was that?" Miss Highbrowed Cynic asks, frowning. "And how come we don't know about it?"

Deciding that the best defense is a good offense, I snap: "In fact, I should be asking that question. In all this time, why didn't you ever tell me about Mama Rice Pudding?"

Milady Ambitious Chekhovian briefly considers the notion. "What do you think would have happened if we told you? What good would it have brought?"

"I have a right to know that I have a maternal side," I insist.

"Great, just what we needed," says Miss Highbrowed Cynic, grumbling to herself. "We crossed an entire ocean to get rid of this sticky miss. Alas, she found us here as well!"

Suddenly it dawns on me. Does my leaving Istanbul in such a hurry have anything to do with this?

"Wait a minute, hold on," I say. "Is this why you brought me all the way here to America?"

Miss Highbrowed Cynic and Milady Ambitious Chekhovian cast guilty looks at each other.

"Time for some real talk! Let the cat out of the bag!" says Little Miss Practical, shrugging nonchalantly.

"Okay, it might as well come out," says Milady Ambitious Chekhovian. She turns to me, her eyes blazing with fire. "I don't know if you recall, but sometime ago you were traveling on a steamboat and this plump woman with two sons sat beside you."

Of course I remember. I nod my head.

"Well, you might not have realized it, but you were profoundly moved by your encounter with that woman. She was young and pregnant with her third child. When you looked at her you lamented the opportunities you lost. You almost wanted to be her. If I hadn't acted at once and made you write "The Manifesto of a Single Girl," G.o.d forbid, you were going to get trapped in your dreams of motherhood."

"So I wrote that manifes...o...b..cause of you?"

"Yes, of course," says Milady Ambitious Chekhovian, as she paces up and down. "I thought that would be the end of the story. But when Mama Rice Pudding noticed you were curiously watching pregnant women and mothers with their babies, she decided it was high time for her to come out of hiding and introduce herself. We tried to reason with her, and then we threatened her. But she didn't budge. She was going to upset the status quo, so we performed a military takeover. We forced you to leave Istanbul, but apparently Miss Nuisance followed us here!"

"But, if she is a member of the Choir of Discordant Voices, she should have an equal say in all matters," I venture.

"Thanks, but no thanks. We can't let that happen," Miss Highbrowed Cynic says, rubbing her temples as if on the verge of a migraine.

"We are not a democracy, okay? We were always a monarchy, and now we are a tight military regime," roars Milady Ambitious Chekhovian. A spark flickers in her eye as she turns to her chum. "Let's have an emergency meeting."

As the chairpersons of the High Military Council's executive committee, Milady Ambitious Chekhovian and Miss Highbrowed Cynic move to a corner, whispering in fierce tones. After what seems like an eternity, they walk back, their footsteps echoing their determination, their faces grim.

"Follow us outside," says Milady Ambitious Chekhovian.

"Where on earth are we going at this hour?"

"Move!" she scolds me, and then calls out to the others: "All of you! On the double!"

At three-thirty in the morning, under the watchful gaze of the braver squirrels, we march in single file in the snow. Our teeth chattering, our fingertips numb, we pa.s.s by the library and the dormitories.

"How serene the universe seems tonight," mumbles Dame Dervish as she takes a deep breath.

How she's able to find something positive to say even under the most stressful circ.u.mstances is a mystery to me. I pick her up and put her inside my sweater so she doesn't catch a cold. We move along in this fashion until we arrive under a ma.s.sive tree.

"What is this?" I ask.

Miss Highbrowed Cynic delivers the answer: "I discovered this tree when we first arrived here. On sunny days, it's a perfect place to read. I would have much preferred to show it to you in the daylight, but I need to do it now. Pay attention to the tree trunk. What does it look like?"

Oddly enough, a mammoth balloonlike lump bulges out of the tree's thick trunk. It looks like a giant shriveled-up prune or a huge wrinkled walnut with ridges. Or else- Miss Highbrowed Cynic gives me a sidelong glance. "Tell me, what does that ma.s.s resemble from afar?"

"Well, I don't know. . . . It's almost like . . . like a brain. . . ." I say.

"Bingo! It is a Brain Tree," says Miss Highbrowed Cynic.

"So tonight we have all gathered under the Brain Tree," Milady Ambitious Chekhovian says, launching into a speech. She has climbed onto a branch, where she pouts like a dictator a.s.sessing his people's intelligence before starting to lecture them.

"This is a historic moment," she bellows. "The time is ripe to make a choice once and for all." She points an accusing finger at Mama Rice Pudding. "Do you want to be like her? A forlorn housewife? Or would you rather live your life like a majestic arboreal brain?"

I can't take my eyes from the tree. In the velvety dark of the night, surrounded by all this snow, the tree looks fearsome and impressive.

"Please don't listen to them," whispers Mama Rice Pudding as she clings to my legs. Tears have formed in her eyes. So fragile she is. So little I know about her. I've seen her only twice while the others have been with me for years.

"We can make a great team, you and I," says Mama Rice Pudding.

"I'm sorry," I say.

A strong wind blows in fitful gusts, swirling the flakes. I feel like I'm on the set of Doctor Zhivago. This is not Russia and there isn't the slightest possibility of a Bolshevik revolution on this campus, but there are still profound emotional changes under way.

Finally, I muster the courage to answer. "If I have to make a choice, I'll certainly choose the Brain Tree."

"But you made me a promise!" Mama Rice Pudding bursts forth.

"I'm sorry," I say again, unable to meet her eyes.

Milady Ambitious Chekhovian jumps down from her branch and Miss Highbrowed Cynic grins at her, shouting, "Give me five!"

Partners in crime. They do such a complicated high five, with their arms and fingers pa.s.sing through each other's, that we all watch with awe.

When the show is over Dame Dervish sighs heavily, Little Miss Practical takes off her gla.s.ses and cleans them nervously, Mama Rice Pudding cries silently.

"Now you have to repeat after me," says Milady Ambitious Chekhovian. "I've traveled wide, I've traveled far-"

I do. On the snow-covered Mount Holyoke campus, under that breathtaking Brain Tree, I swear these words to myself: "I've traveled wide, I've traveled far, and I've placed writing at the center of my life. At last I've reached a decision between Body and Brain. From now on I want to be only, and only, Brain. No longer will the Body hold sway over me. I have no want for womanhood, housework, wife work, maternal instincts or giving birth. I want to be a writer, and that is all I want to pursue."

In this moment, one of the many things I realize is that this is a turning point in my life, a sharp one. While I veer fast, I don't know what awaits me around the corner.

"May the Body rot and may the Brain glow. May the ink flow through my pen like oceans to nourish the novels that shall grow within."

I repeat this oath three times. When it is over, I feel numb inside, almost anesthetized. Perhaps it is because of the cold. Perhaps the gravity of what I have just uttered has started to sink in.

A Mystery Called Brain Before two weeks have pa.s.sed my body starts to show signs of change. First my hair, then the skin on my face and hands, dries out. I lose weight. My stomach flattens. Then, one day, I realize I have stopped menstruating. I don't get my flow the next month, or the one after that. At first I don't pay any attention to it-in fact, I am even relieved to be rid of womanhood. Wouldn't it be liberating to free myself of femininity and s.e.xuality, and become a walking brain? I feel like a crazy scientist who is experimenting with all kinds of unknown substances in his murky laboratory-except I am experimenting on myself. Not that I seem to be turning into a green, giant, humanoid monster. But I am transforming into an antisocial, as.e.xual, introverted novelist, who, perhaps, is no less scary than the Incredible Hulk.

In late May, I am perusing the magazines in the waiting room of the Women's Health Center while waiting for the kind, lanky gynecologist who has done all sorts of hormonal tests on me. Finally, the nurse calls me in.

"Here is an interesting case," says the doctor as I walk into his office. "Feeling any better?"

"The same," I say.

"Well, well, let's see what we have here. . . ." says the doctor, inspecting the test results from behind his gla.s.ses. "Your hormone levels have come back fine, and so have the thyroid tests."

"You are normal," says the nurse next to him, as if she could not quite believe this.

"But, then, why don't I menstruate anymore?"

"Under these circ.u.mstances there is only one answer," the doctor responds. "Your brain has given your body the command not to."

"Is that possible?" I ask incredulously.

"Oh, yes, it is very possible," announces the doctor, squinting slightly, as if he were trying to peer into my soul. "You have to discuss this with your brain. I would, but I don't know its language."

"It'll take us some time to learn Turkish," says the nurse with a wink.

They chuckle in perfect synchronization-in the way that only people who have worked closely together for many years can manage. I, in the meantime, wait silently, unsure what to say.

"Could you tell me what you do for a living?" asks the doctor.

"I am a writer."

"Ah, I see," he says with brightened interest. "What kind of books do you write?"

This is a question I'd rather avoid. I don't know exactly how to categorize my books, and I am not sure I even want to. In fact, this happens to be a th.o.r.n.y question for almost any writer who doesn't produce within established genres, such as "romance" or "crime." Fortunately, the doctor is less interested in my answer than in an idea that has just occurred to him.

"Think of your brain as a riveting, suspenseful detective novel," he says.

"Okay," I say.

Then he lowers his voice as if revealing a terrible secret. "Your brain has kidnapped your body. . . ."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Now all you need to do is to tell it to stop. You can do this, believe me."

"I am sorry, I lost the thread here. Is my brain a detective novel or the detective himself or the villain?"

He leans back, and heaves a deep, deep sigh. That's when I realize, as nice a person as he is, the doctor is not good with metaphors. He tried to clarify things with a figure of speech, and ended up only complicating them more.

I don't go looking for other doctors. Neither do I tell anyone about the strange diagnosis I have received. But I visit the Brain Tree regularly, searching for stoic serenity it cannot grant me. Caressing the st.u.r.dy, old roots that rise out of the ground, observing the leaves on its infinite branches, I renew my vow and watch my womanhood perish day by day.

Every morning I go to the library with Miss Highbrowed Cynic. We are as thick as thieves now. Everything progresses the way she and Milady Ambitious Chekhovian had planned. I'm always reading, always researching. Many a night I stay until the wee hours, hunched over books in an area flanked by two collections: English political philosophy and Russian literature. Whenever my eyelids droop, I take a nap on the brown leather couch that is situated between the two long rows of bookcases.

In my spare time I go to panels, which are plentiful in a place such as this: "The Plight of Women in the Third World," "Feminism and Hip-Hop Culture," "Female Characters in Walt Disney: Does Mickey Mouse Oppress Minnie?" and so on. I attend all of them.

In the evenings, I sit in front of the computer and write down notes and compose journal entries far into the night. I don't socialize anymore, I don't go to parties and I avoid brown-bag lunches, as strong as the urge is sometimes. I don't allow anything outside of writing and books to enter my life.

Mama Rice Pudding watches me from a distance with eyes that cannot hide their hurt. Whenever I try to communicate with her, she turns her head and stares into s.p.a.ce, sitting as still as a marble statue. Some nights, in bed, I hear her crying.

One day a major Turkish newspaper does an interview with me about my life in America. I speak to the journalist on the phone for about forty minutes. As we are about to hang up he asks me about marriage and motherhood.

I tell him that I am miles away from both right now. It is a huge responsibility to bring children into this world, I say. But when I am old enough, that is, after many more novels, I could see myself becoming a foster mom or perhaps raising someone else's children, helping their education and so forth.

That weekend when the interview comes out, its t.i.tle is as catchy as it can be: "I am Raring to Become a Stepmom!"

Next to the revelation, there is a picture of me taken in Istanbul standing in front of the Topkap1 Palace. I am dressed head to toe in black, my hair a cuckoo's nest due to a strong wind, my face etched with a grave expression. When my image is juxtaposed with the words, I look like a black spider about to jump on any divorced man with kids.

I decide not to give any more interviews for a while.

Approximately at the same time, as if a muse has fallen from the sky onto my head, I begin to write a new novel. It is called The Saint of Incipient Insanities. The story has sorrow cloaked in humor and humor cloaked in sorrow. It is about a group of foreigners in America coming from very different cultural backgrounds and struggling, not always successfully, with an ongoing sense of estrangement. I write about "insiders" and "outsiders," about belonging and not belonging, feeling like a tree that is turned upside down and has its roots up in the air.

PART FOUR.

Never Say Never.

Sweet Love.