Woodsworth's Scoop Part 11

"Okay. What is going on? You have been so distant and hiding more."

"Nothing."

"Lexi, you can talk to me about anything."

"I know."

"Do you know that? Because you seem to not want to let me in to know what is going on. How can I help you with things if I don't know what is going on with you and how?"

"I just don't like not being able to talk to you without someone coming in."

And, just like clockwork, Tracy came in asking Jennifer to help her with her room. I became frustrated when Jennifer did not tell Tracy to wait, but instead went with her. She wanted to talk and help me, but she was not hearing me. She only seemed to pay attention to me when things she wanted were not getting met by others. I truly loved Jennifer but did not want to be the fall back person all the time. There were times I wanted to be put before others and for her to tell people to wait until we were done with our conversation. I did not know if that would ever happen, though, and was starting to doubt this working. Jennifer soon returned this time. I guessed she sensed my discomfort when she left.

"Sorry, dear."

"Hey, you have kids, and who am I to stand in their way to their mother?"

"You are upset."

"I just need time with you without interruptions. We have so much to plan, and it is feeling like we don't get to do any of it. I don't want my mother picking out everything."

"And she won't. I tell you what. Why don't we escape next weekend to a hotel and spend the night there doing nothing but planning. That way we have no one coming in on us."

"Sounds nice to me, but will it be able to happen? There is so much the kids have going on."

"I know that this is hard, but you are important to me. Please know this."

"I do. It is just hard to remember when I feel like second fiddle to everyone."

"That is just because you don't see me telling others to back off so I can come be with you. I am just pulled in so many ways."

"Okay, I will trust you, and the weekend away may just be what I need."

"I will arrange that we get away on Friday after work and that we don't have to be back 'til Sunday. You just get us somewhere to go to."

"Yes, Jennifer."

She left the room, and I started looking for a hotel for us to run away to. It felt crazy to have to secure a hotel room just to have some uninterrupted time to get things planned out for a ceremony. I was not ready to run just yet from this because I loved her and what she brought out of me. She was my kryptonite.

Later that evening I went up to dinner with the family. It was nice, but I could not help feel like I was a third wheel or outsider. Jennifer and I were slipping further away from each other. I did not know how to get past this feeling. After dinner, she came downstairs with me.

"It is set. If you have the place, I can get away. Trey is watching the kids for us. Do you know where yet?"

"No, but I will figure that out soon."

"I am sorry it is so hard, honey. It will get better and ease up. You will see."

"I am sure it will as I get used to things being like this, but right now, I feel as though things with me only matter at the tail end of your time with everyone else. I knew I would be sharing. I just thought that there would be times that you and I would have time to connect."

"I am sorry. It is my fault. I will try to do better."

"You have been saying that Jennifer, and yet I see no changes. Like today, you could have told Tracy to wait and that you would help her soon. You were already doing something."

"You are right. I should not have just left you in the middle of the conversation."

"I am not trying to be right or argue with you."

"And I don't want to argue with you."

"I am only trying to express how I feel."

"I know, and I shonowgn=uld be more respectful of your needs and wants. Everyone needs me, and I don't know how to juggle that. But this is why we are getting away. This way, you get a weekend of coming first from me. You are important to me, and I don't want to lose you. I want the ceremony, and I should not put it all off on you or your mother to do."

"It is not all you. I could be more open to you and tell you that I need some time. Or I could voice up and tell people to wait."

"Please, can we put this behind us?"

"Yes, Jennifer. That would be nice. I just hope that this feeling of loneliness can pa.s.s and that connection we have can come back."

We decided not to go back up and see if we could find the hotel to stay at. We also started looking at venues for the ceremony. There was so much to do, and it was getting closer and closer. We had just eight more weeks to the date we had set, and there was still so much to do.

"Lexi, thank you."

"For what?"

"Putting up with me and still going through with this. I love you so much! I am excited about this weekend and about our ceremony."

"Me too! I also have a surprise. I have arranged for us to fly down to Florida and take a cruise for our honeymoon. I was going to wait and surprise you, but I need to know some things from you. Like, I need your information for the cruise line. I need to know what kind of excursion that you would like to take, and last, I need to know that this is something you would like to do with me. It is a weeklong trip, and Trey knows all about it. He agreed to take care of the kids then."

"Oh yes, Lexi. I do like that! Thank you, love. Thank you!"

"My pleasure. I want to be good to you and for you. I want to make you smile and give you what you want."

"You are, and you do."

"I just ask the same, and right now, I feel that I don't get that. I feel that things that matter to me when I want my partner with me don't matter. That only what you want is what matters. That the only sacrifices that are to be made are mine alone to make. No one else has to do anything different or change. It is making me rethink this whole thing."

"What are you saying?"

"I am saying do things sometimes with me even if it is not top on your list or means someone else does not get what they want."

"It is not always that easy."

"Why not?"

"Because they are kids. Because he is used to having me when wants. Because I do make sacrifices. You just don't see them."

"What have you given up? What do you do that is solely for the purpose that I want you with me? When did you last tell someone no so you could be with me?"

"Tonight. Trey wanted me with him, and I said no--that I needed to be with you. I don't see why we are even discussing this."

"Why? Be0">k thicause it makes you uncomfortable? Because it is not what you want? What about what I want, Jennifer?"

"I want to give you what you want and be good to you. Lexi, this is difficult for the both of us. Help me be what you need."

"Just as you complain he does not hear you and is not there for you emotionally, you do the same towards me. I just need you to hear me and carve some s.p.a.ce out for me."

"I will try. Please, now, can we drop it and try to enjoy the rest of the evening?"

"Okay, and I will try to voice what I need."

"Please. That will make it better."

We moved on to finding something on TV to zone out to and just be with each other. I was glad to have gotten all that out and hoped that she had heard me. Only time would tell. This poly thing was getting harder and harder for me, and I knew that there would be times I did not have my partner beside me when I wanted and would not get what I needed at the expense of another. I just never imagined it would feel like this. I didn't want the feeling that I was a part-time, when convenient, wife-not when we hadn't even made vows yet. I hoped with time that would change. I hoped that this was just a growing pain as we became us.

Chapter Twenty-Four.

As Jennifer sat snuggled up to Lexi, she thought of all that had just been said. She thought of how she could not imagine life without her. She wondered if she was losing the best person that ever came into her life. Jennifer promised herself that moment that she would hear Lexi and be better to her. She knew that, in many aspects, she had been selfish and started to wonder if Trey felt the same. What if it was her that made everything so difficult and not the others?

That night they fell asleep barely touching. Jennifer hoped that morning brought a better day. As they slept, their bodies did what they had not done yet and that was bringing them back together. They curled up to one another in their sleep.

Jennifer was first to wake, and she snuck out to go start coffee and the kettle. She h0">k sloped that Lexi would continue to sleep so she could do something nice and bring it to her in bed. She realized that she had not done any of the little things that showed she cared in some time.

While she was getting things done, Trey came into the kitchen. They hugged good morning, and Jennifer was glad to be around someone that did not seem to be upset with her. At least, she hoped he wasn't.

"How was your night? Did you sleep well?"

"Yes I did, and you, Jen? Did you sleep well?"

"Once I got to sleep, yes. Now, I will catch up to you in a few. I want to surprise Lexi with tea in bed. Soon she will be waking, and I will not get the chance."

"Okay. See you soon after?"

"Yes, Trey."

With cup in hand, Jennifer went to cater to Lexi and tried to show her that she did think of her needs and wants. But when Jennifer got downstairs, she found Lexi already awake and on the phone. Lexi hurried past her and ran out the door without saying a word. She just had to go.

Jennifer stared, confused. She went upstairs and found her phone. When she tried Lexi's number, it went to voice mail. Jennifer was getting worried, but figured soon she would be at the office and would find out what was going on.

Jennifer and Trey got the kids out the door to school and had a moment to themselves--to connect a moment. It was nice until Jennifer decided to see if Trey was feeling the same as Lexi. She just had to know if all were feeling the same, and if she needed to change something about herself.

"Trey, honey. Do you feel like I am disconnected from you and not meeting your needs?"

"Sometimes I do, but then I remember there is so much going on, and as long as you are meeting all the kids' needs, I don't mind taking back burner. Besides, it never lasts long."

"What do you do if it does take a while?"

"I pin you down on a date."

"Oh, really? And just how do you pin me down?"

"Oh, so many different ways. I make you sit and listen to me, I take you to the bedroom, or I step away 'til you beg me to come close."

"So smart you are, love."

"It has worked now for twenty years. Why did you ask?"

"Oh, it's just that Lexi was feeling that way, and I was wondering if I was doing the same to you--if I had been neglecting everyone so my needs are met."

"She is still getting used to being part of the whole family. It will change in time. There are always periods of ebb and flow. Don't worry, love. She has actually amazed me that she has lasted this long."

"Really?"

"Really! I figured by now she would be running and deciding that poly was not for her. Does she really make you happy? I mean, do you love her?"

"Yes she does, and yes I do."

"Then I will be at the ceremony. Just work it to where it is asked who shares this woman and not who gives her away."

"Oh, love! Thank you! Thank you! This means so much to me. Can I get it to where some of the vow time is where the three of us do them?"

"Don't push it, Jennifer."

"Okay."

The two of them realized they needed to get on the road. Jennifer was thrilled at Trey being a part of things. She could not wait to tell Lexi, but at the same time she was not sure if she was going to see her at the clinic or what was going on. She tried two more times on the way to work to call her--with no luck.

When Jennifer got to the clinic, she saw why the rush. The clinic had been vandalized. Haters of the GLBT community had broken in, breaking everything they could or stealing the things they figured could be sold. There were sprayed hate words everywhere on the inside and out.

The police were collecting evidence from everywhere. Jennifer looked for the staff and other workers. Finally, she found an officer that knew where everyone was and directed her to the coffee shop around the corner. Jennifer ran over there as fast as she could, as she still had not seen Lexi.

When she got there, Kelly pointed to the back. Jennifer walked up to where Lexi was and waited until she was noticed. Lexi fell into Jennifer's arms and cried. Jennifer held her, not knowing what to say or do.

"Did you see? Did you see what they did?"

"Yes, honey, and I am here. You should have called me."

"I have been busy taking the police through the clinic. Everything is broken or gone. They are making their report, and the insurance agent is on his way over to make the claim and take pictures. I just don't know what to do. We cannot afford to be down for any length of time."

"Oh, baby. I am sure something can be figured out."