Who Was Who Part 7

SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world.

SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide.

SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his ac.u.men. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.

SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. Address: Home.

SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons between march compositions.

SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the fittest.

SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain and the United States, who believed that n.o.ble man was incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious inc.u.mbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and Hope.) SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."

SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.

T

TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Const.i.tution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and another ran away with the election. Princ.i.p.al events during T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor.

TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper.

TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front row did.

TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a charging brigade.

TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend.

THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper.

THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon.

THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse.

THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.

TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.

TIFFANY,(12) of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as his products will p.a.w.n on a good margin. Ambition: A man in love.

(12) Ed. Note: This is not an advertis.e.m.e.nt, as the editor is not an actress.

TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem.

TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. Recreation: He never had any.

t.i.tIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models.

TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark.

TOM. (See Richard and Harry.) TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in 1861.

TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Princ.i.p.ally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished.

TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back again.

TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas.

TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh.

TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers.

TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical mangers.

U

UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable.

ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca.

UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing.

UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries.

V

VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V.

VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for Newport and newspapers.

VAN d.y.k.e, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement.

VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes.

VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the G.o.ds. Recreation: Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a suffragette.

VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty t.i.tian.

VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists.

VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See Columbus.) VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking machine.

VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper.

VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid.

VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her thumbs.

VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey trot.

VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth.

VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus.

W

WAGNER, d.i.c.k, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices appeared.

WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until you appeared.

WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories.

WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: Anti-Ananias.

WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being c.o.o.ns. (See Uncle Tom.) WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes.

WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the invention of investigating committees. He died famous.

WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short.

WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier makes a poor politician.

WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of dreadnaughts.

WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker.

WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, made love to n.o.bility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will There Be Another Like Her?

WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages.

WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business.

WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No relation to the following.

WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational inst.i.tution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican.

WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's little tummie.

WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess.

WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by Shakespeare.

WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two in the air.

X(13)

(13) Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for the X's.