Whatever Gods May Be Part 34

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Chapter thirty-tWo.

i don't Want your liFe to end Thursday, July 25, and for the eighth day in a row Jamie managed to get out of bed unaided. Just six days left. Hey, I'm counting. Must be feeling better. Time to push a little; she wanted to finish before Lynn showed up.

Almost every weekday, Lynn visited her. It was the way Jamie secretly measured time. How many days left 'til it's just me and my shadow again.

Jamie didn't understand why Lynn still came by, but didn't ask.

Asking might jinx it. Besides, it'd be over soon enough, once the Corps shipped her off to one of those rehab places for loners like her. Just six days. How strong would it be by then, this hollow, ethereal stutter between her and the world she inhabited? Like she was always a half-step late. Like I'm not really supposed to be here.

But she was here. Stuck with herself.

Pressing the incision in her belly with one hand to contain the ache there, relying on a cane to ease the pain in her right thigh, she hobbled from her bed all the way to the far end of the long hallway outside her room and then back. For a few seconds at the end of her journey, she felt almost free of the stutter, so she repeated the effort before she cautiously inched herself into bed and dropped into depleted sleep.

On Friday, Jamie took to the hallway again. Four laps today.

Maybe five.

On the fourth perambulation, roughly three hundred paces from her room, she turned around and found herself face-to-face with Martina Rhys.

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"Marty!" she called when she realized Rhys didn't recognize her and was about to walk right on by.

Rhys halted, her expression veering from surprise to shock.

"Jamie!" Her voice softened to a hush. "Hi." Jamie limped into Rhys's gentle grasp, let her head lower onto Rhys's shoulder.

"You okay?" Rhys asked after a long moment. "Need to sit down?"

"Nah," Jamie exhaled, lifting her head. "I'm just a little tired." She gestured toward the silver bar gracing the collar of Rhys's service uniform and grinned. "Nice going, First Lieutenant."

"Got coyoted after you, uh-" Rhys scrunched her shoulders apologetically.

"You sure as h.e.l.l earned that. Come on, walk me to my room and tell me how you're doing." After she'd broken free of the pharma, Jamie had asked around about the Three-Eight snipe platoon and heard Marty had gotten the coyote promotion. At last Marty, too, had crossed the Rubicon and they were equals. Jamie waited for the old fantasy of a life with her first love to percolate, waited for her c.l.i.t to punch that double flip.

But it never happened. Something had changed.

Now Jamie glanced at Rhys and tried to understand what was different. In her service greens, silver bar on her collar, ribbons on her chest, a tan making her hair blonder than ever, Rhys looked magnificent.

No wonder I was in love with you.

When had Rhys become past tense? Where was the Instant, the still point that defined this Before and After? Jamie recalled Way Before-so easy to see now in the Undeniable After-and as the flashes of their moments together played across her mind's eye, she recognized the slow, doomed descent of a failed flight she had tried to save from its inevitable crash. Yet she had missed the actual impact, the end of hope. Where had she been? Shooting an innocent child? Mewling in Shoo Juh's concrete tomb? Maybe it was earlier, at the top of Thumb Peak when Embry's hand gripped her shoulder and she knew she'd give in and let him make her a one-lite. Or earlier yet, much earlier, when Rhys's face, Rhys's voice couldn't hide how much it hurt to be outshot by Jamie Gwynmorgan.

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For a disorienting moment, the stutter caught her; Jamie gaped into its immense empty chasm and faltered. Each instant bears a still point, dimensionless in one plane and infinite in another, surrounded by arcs of before and after. And where am I? What world is this now?

If she hadn't been holding on to Rhys's arm, she would have toppled over.

Rhys didn't notice. While they slowly progressed down the hall, Rhys talked-about how the Three-Eight snipes ended up in the Palawan until February but managed to come home without any KIAs, about what it felt like to be an officer, about how she'd be going to The Basic School next, then to college and intel school. Her chatter became a sort of fixed point on which Jamie focused to keep the vertigo at bay, like an ice skater coming out of a scratch spin.

Listen. Leaning into Rhys, Jamie heard disquiet and couldn't figure out which of them it came from. Jamie waited. Did Rhys want to say something else, something more? It spilled out, finally, after she helped Jamie into bed.

"I'm getting married." Rhys gave Jamie a sideways glance.

Did she just say-? "What? You're-?"

"Getting married." Rhys smiled, her face an artless, fitful mix of euphoria and guilt.

"Getting married," Jamie echoed. "Who?"

"I'm gonna marry Angara Bulanadi."

Jamie gaped; she could not speak. Her head had become heavy, too heavy to hold up anymore, and she yielded it to the pillow, unable to cease staring at Rhys.

Venturing into Jamie's stillness, Rhys tried to explain. "That day- That day when Angara-When she didn't shoot you..." Rhys's voice trailed off for a moment while she repositioned herself, planting her feet as though she stood at parade rest. "You were out of your mind, you know. Only reason I went with you was so I could keep you from-from doing what you did. I don't know why I didn't just step up and grab the pistol out of Angara's hand." Rhys sighed. "There was something about her. The rage. She looked like a monster out of a horror movie. When she put that muzzle right to your head, I was sure she was gonna zap you."

"I remember," Jamie said, letting her eyes close as the ache in her gut deepened.

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"But I couldn't f.u.c.king move. I just couldn't think, couldn't act.

Everything froze and-and I just stared at her, you know? Stuck. And then I saw her-G.o.d, Jamie, she became someone else. It happened right in front of me. Sadness first, and acceptance-and then I saw her forgive you." Rhys's voice cracked, and when Jamie looked, tears had filled Rhys's eyes.

"I remember."

"I'd have killed you, Jamie, if I'd been her. And when she didn't, when she said that to you-remember? 'I don't want your life to end.' You didn't see her face, Jamie. She looked at you with such compa.s.sion." Rhys's eyes swept down to the floor. "My G.o.d, I couldn't believe what I saw. It changed everything for me. Everything I used to care about, everything I ever thought-about who I should be, you know? I had to get closer to that-to comprehend it. And she let me, she actually let me. And then-"

"And then you fell in love with her."

Rhys looked up and nodded.

"Does she love you, Marty?"

"Yes." Rhys exuded quiet confidence. "She does. Unreservedly." Jamie reached out to Rhys for what she knew would be the last time. Because Marty had gone where she could never go, not even for an instant: To the mother of the child she murdered.

Rhys took Jamie's hand, frowned at its scars. "The Corps can be a small world, you know? I wanted you to hear it from me."

"I'm gonna miss you, Marty. Miss what we had." Rhys averted her eyes then. And Jamie understood. No, you don't miss what you had with me. You're relieved to be rid of it. Maybe that's why you can't sit down.

"I gotta thank you, Jamie. You showed me a lot. Not just about being a good snipe and a good leader. You were so frigging strong." Rhys rolled her shoulders like they needed respite from carrying too much, and then she finally sat. "Remember that bandanna you gave me on the plane to Oki-the red winking skull and crossbones?"

"Sure do." Jamie offered Rhys a wan smile. "My pathetic way of hoping you loved me."

"It became my-what do you call it? My talisman. And when we hooked up again later, you, making love to you, became my talisman.

But more, too. I kept thinking making love to you would-"

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"Keep you strong. Keep you alive." Jamie snorted. "We all have our superst.i.tions."

"Yeah, well." Rhys lowered her head. "Truth is, it was way more crude than that. I wanted your skill, your instincts, your rank even.

And when I couldn't keep up, when I started to hear the snarky gossip about how many times you got me a promotion- s.h.i.t, I admit it. I was f.u.c.king humiliated. But you, Jamie, you were able to be pure of heart.

I'm sorry I couldn't do better by you."

"Pure?" Jamie shook her head. "But I sure as h.e.l.l was h.o.r.n.y of heart." And G.o.d, oh G.o.d, how I wanted to love you. "Whatever else went down, Marty, you always had my back. You kept me from suicide by PIA and Zhong more times than I can count." Jamie tried to make her smile look strong. "And you know how I like to count. We both did the best we could."

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Chapter thirty-three.

trust Me What're you doing here?" Jamie asked when Lynn approached her in the hospital hallway. "It's Sunday, isn't it?"

"It is. I stayed this weekend because the August recess starts this coming Tuesday. I have a lot to get done before we gavel out." Jamie halted as the realization sank in. Like Rhys, Lynn had come to say good-bye. She thought she had a day or two left, a couple more chances to gaze at, talk with Lynn Hillinger. But the moment, dreaded and inevitable, had already arrived.

"I guess, uh, I won't be seeing you anymore, so I-" Jamie propped the cane against her leg and proffered her right hand. "I want to thank you, Lynn. You saved my life by coming to Saint Eh Mo's, by sticking around when the other Red Cross people left. And you've been really kind to me...all this time. I-I'll miss you." Lynn took the hand she'd been offered in both of hers. "You don't have to do it this way, Jamie."

"Do what?"

"Go from here to the rehab facility down at Quantico when they release you next week."

"You know about that?"

"Come home with me on Wednesday. I've talked to everyone and it's unanimous: They're waiting for both of us. I've cleared it on this end, too. You've got six months of convalescence leave."

"Go with you?" Jamie gawked. This can't be right. "You mean-?

To your-?" But there's that slow, you-better-d.a.m.n-well-believe-it nod of hers.

"Yes. Come home with me."

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"I don't know. I-I'm really f.u.c.ked up."

"I know it'll be a long road back for you-"

"You don't understand. I mean I'm really f.u.c.ked up." Jamie took a half-step away from Lynn. "I've done things you don't know anything about, awful things... You don't understand."

"I do understand."

"How can you possibly understand?" Jamie backed up another step. "If I told you, you'd be horrified, you'd-"

"No, I wouldn't-"

"Christ, Lynn, what I've done would be criminal if I was a civilian."

"Stop, Jamie." Lynn stepped closer. "You're not a criminal."

"I am, actually. I can give you references if you like."

"Angara Bulanadi?"

Jamie lost her balance and needed Lynn's help to make it to a nearby chair. Gulping for air that refused to enter her lungs, she stared her question at Lynn. How do you know?

"I met her last Friday, downstairs in the main lobby." Lynn ran the palm of her hand lightly across Jamie's back. "Marty, too. I heard them asking at reception for directions to your room, so I introduced myself."

"I-I didn't realize...Angara came with her..." Jamie rasped as the periphery of her vision went dark, like someone she couldn't see was pouring heavy black ink onto a watery surface. Her own words echoed thin and tenuous in her ears. "So you know...about...what I did?"

"I know it wasn't your fault," Lynn replied quietly. "I know if you'd done anything differently, if you'd waited even one extra nanosecond, they'd all be dead now, not just one of them." This generosity gave Jamie no solace. "Awa was only six years old."

"Which is why she can never be blamed for the terrible, tragic mistake she made when she panicked and ran in front of-"

"Shoulda targeted his head. She'd have been all right if I'd just given it one extra nanosecond and-"

"There was no time. You had to take the quickest shot," Lynn reminded her. "Angara knows this. She's the one who told me." Jamie's eyes snapped to Lynn's face. "She did?" Lynn nodded. "While Marty went up to see you. We talked for * 282 *

quite a while. Seeing you would've been too painful, so she decided to stay downstairs. But Angara doesn't blame you, Jamie. It was a horrible moment. She said she thought she and the girls were already dead, that they'd be executed right then. She believes she and her other two daughters are alive only because of you. She also said you gave her back her soul when you offered her your life. And, of course, you brought her Marty."

Jamie stared at the floor. A still point, dimensionless in one plane and infinite in another. "There's more, Lynn." Lynn didn't hesitate. "I have no doubt there's a great deal more.

And you sure as h.e.l.l shouldn't face it all by yourself. Come home with me on Wednesday."

Lagging a stutter step behind, Jamie searched Lynn's face. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because while you were saving my life-"