What The Dead Know Part 13

No one, Hope admitted. But when you die, who will remember them? Miriam? Willoughby? Their old cla.s.smates, some of whom have graduated college by now? You're all they have, Dave. Without you, they truly are gone.

CHAPTER 25.

Miriam had a secret love-b.u.t.ter pecan yogurt from I Can't Believe It's Yogurt. She could, in fact, believe it was yogurt. She further believed that it wasn't quite the health food that others seemed to think, and that its calories counted as much as any other calories. Miriam wasn't deceived by any of the promises made by I Can't Believe It's Yogurt, real or implied. But she liked it, and she was sorely tempted to take a small detour right now and buy some. The day was warm, summer-hot by her standards if not by Texas ones, hot enough to make an afternoon at Barton Springs seem eminently reasonable. Miriam thought about taking the afternoon off and doing just that, or going all the way out to the lake, but she had two appointments with prospective sellers in the Clarksville section.

Still, it worried her that she'd considered, even for a moment, driving over to the public swimming area. She had really settled in here. If she didn't watch it, she'd soon be joining the local chorus of "But you should have lived here when-" The endless lament about how hip, how happy, how affordable Austin used to be. Then there was the invocation of the places that used to exist-the Armadillo, the Liberty Lunch. Look at Guadalupe Street, the Drag, where she couldn't find a parking spot today. She'd have to forgo the yogurt and continue on to her appointment.

A shiver ran through her, and she worked backward through her thoughts to find what was making her feel anxious. Parking-Austin-Barton Springs-lake. There had been a murder at the lake last fall, two girls, found on a lot where an expensive new house was under construction. Two girls-not sisters, but the mere configuration demanded her attention-and no possible motive that anyone could discern. Miriam, more expert than others in reading between the lines of news accounts, understood that the police really did have no information, but her friends had inferred all sorts of strange conspiracies from the barest of facts. Trained by television, they kept expecting it to turn into a story, something explicable and-although her earnest Austin friends would never use this word-satisfying. To them, obsessed with the way Austin was changing-mutating, the old-timers said; growing and progressing, according to the newcomers who had staked their fortunes on this booming city-the murders must somehow be rooted in the phenomenon of growth. The girls were locals, biker chicks of a sort, from families who had lived in the area before it was desirable. According to news reports, they had long used this cove off Lake Travis for partying with their friends and saw no reason to stop simply because a house was going up. It seemed to Miriam that the girls were most likely killed by their own surly acquaintances, but police had interviewed the lot's owner and the various workmen from the site.

In focusing on the clash between old and new, progress and status quo, Miriam's Austin friends didn't realize that they were really arguing for their own connection to the crime, that they were trying to take an isolated horror and make it-loathsome word-relatable. Which was, of course, the one thing it could never be, not in liberal Austin. Austin was so sweetly, reliably liberal that Miriam was beginning to wonder just how liberal she really was.

Take the death penalty, which had resumed in Texas the year before. There was much discussion among her coworkers and neighbors about how shameful this was, how unbecomingly eager Texas was to put men to death now that Utah had led the way, although only one man had been executed so far. Miriam never joined in these discussions, because she was afraid that she would find herself arguing heatedly for it, which could lead to the trump card of personal experience, something she never wanted to lay on the table. Since her arrival in Texas seven years earlier, she had been allowed the luxury of not being the martyred mother, poor sad Miriam Bethany. She was, in fact, no longer Miriam Bethany. She was Miriam Toles. Even if someone were to know of the Bethany girls, if the names were to come up in the endless speculating about the double murders at Lake Travis, no one would make the connection. She had even glossed over the Baltimore part of her past. Bad marriage, didn't work out, no children, thank G.o.d, originally from Ottawa, much prefer the climate here. That was what people knew about her.

There had been moments-wine-soaked or pot-infused camaraderie, usually late at night-when Miriam flirted with the idea of confiding in someone. Never a man, because although she found it remarkably easy to meet and bed men, she did not want a boyfriend of any stripe, and that kind of revelation might inspire a man to take her seriously. But she had made female friends, including one, Rose, who hinted at her own secrets. An anthropology student at thirty-seven-Austin was filled with people who seemed determined to spend their lives as students-she had stayed late after a party, taking Miriam up on her offer to get into the backyard hot tub. As they worked through a bottle of wine, she began to speak of a remote village in Belize where she'd lived for several years. "It was surreal," she said. "After living there I'm not so sure that magical realism is a literary style. I just think those guys are writing the truth." Rape was alluded to, vaguely, but all the personal p.r.o.nouns seemed to drop from Rose's speech, and it was impossible to know if she was the victim or a bystander who had failed to act. She and Miriam danced around the flames of their respective pasts, each casting beautiful shadows that allowed the other to draw whatever conclusions she wished. But they hadn't gotten so personal again, much to Miriam's relief, and possibly to Rose's. In fact, they had barely seen each other at all.

At the next stoplight, Miriam flipped open her Filofax in the pa.s.senger seat and glanced at the address for the first appointment. A man on the street stared at her, and she had an awareness of herself as a self-made woman, although not in the usual sense of the phrase. True, she had done well financially, starting with very little here. The camel-colored Filofax, the Joan Va.s.s knits and shoes, the air-conditioned Saab-these details allowed her to broadcast her success in an Austin-appropriate way. But Miriam was more interested in the creation of this different person, Miriam Toles, who was allowed to move through her days without tragedy tugging visibly at everything she did. It was hard enough to be Miriam Bethany on the inside. Miriam Toles was the candy-coated sh.e.l.l, the thin layer that kept all the messy stuff inside, just barely.

"They do melt," Heather had complained, showing her mother a palm smeared with orange, yellow, red, and green. "How can they lie like that?"

"All commercials lie," said Sunny, a sage at eleven. "Remember when we ordered the one hundred dolls from the back of the Millie the Model comic, and they were so teensy?" She held her fingers apart to show how small the dolls were, how large the lie.

Her car still idling at the light, Miriam's eyes fell on the date: March 29. The day. That day. It was the first time she had ever managed to ease into it without an overweening awareness, the first time that she had not gone to sleep dreading the so-called anniversary, the first time she had not awakened bathed in the sweat of vicious nightmares. It helped that Austin springs were so different, that it was verging on hot by late March. It helped that Easter had come and gone, early again. Easter was usually the sign that she'd pa.s.sed into what she thought of as the safe season. If they were alive-oh Lord, if they were alive, Sunny would be twenty-three, Heather verging on twenty.

But they weren't alive. If she was sure of anything, it was that fact.

A honk, then another and another, and Miriam lurched forward almost blindly. She was trying to think of reasons that Sunny and Heather would be glad they weren't here. The Reagan presidency? But she doubted that either girl would have sacrificed her life to avoid that. Music was actually better, to Miriam's middle-aged ears, and she liked the clothes as well, the merger between comfort and fashion, at least in some of the lines. They would have liked Austin, too, even if the locals thought it had been ruined, ruined, ruined. They could have gone to college here cheaply, hung out at the clubs, eaten burgers at Mad Dog & Beans, tasted migas at Las Mananitas, slurped frozen margaritas at Jorge's, shopped at Whole Foods, which managed the trick of being simultaneously organic (millet in bulk) and decadent (five different kinds of brie). Sunny and Heather, grown, would have shared her sense of humor, Miriam decided now, joined in her awareness of how absurd Austin was at moments, how precious. They could have lived here.

And died here. People died here, too. They got murdered at construction sites. They were killed in boozy car accidents on the twisty farm-to-market roads in the Hill Country. They drowned in the Memorial Day weekend flood of 1981, when water had risen so fast and furiously, turning streets into treacherous rivers.

Miriam secretly believed-or secretly rationalized-that it was her daughters' destiny to be murdered, that if she could go back in time and change the circ.u.mstances of that day, all she would do was postpone and reconfigure the tragedy. Her daughters had been marked at birth, imprinted with a fate Miriam could not control. That was the one oddity about being an adoptive parent, the sense that there were biological factors she could never control. At the time she had thought it was healthy, that she had given in to a reality that biological parents-never "natural," although even in well-intentioned Austin one still heard that tactless expression-that biological parents found it harder to accept. She could not control everything when it came to her children.

Of course, she had the advantage of knowing part of Sunny and Heather's family, their maternal grandparents, Estelle and Herb Turner. How guilty Miriam had felt about her unkind first impression of them when she learned their whole story-the beautiful daughter, Sally, who had run away at age seventeen to marry a man of whom her parents didn't approve, then refused their help until it was much too late. This would have been 1959, when elopement was still presented as a comic adventure-the ladder at the window, the young couple always caught, only to win the parents' blessing in the end. This was when married couples on television slept in twin beds and s.e.x was so hidden that young people must have felt as if they were going to explode with the feelings and sensations that no one ever discussed. Miriam knew. Miriam remembered. She wasn't that much older than Sally Turner.

She had pieced the rest together on her own-the loutish, brutish beau of a different social cla.s.s, the Turners' objections, which Sally had written off as sn.o.bbery but had really been a parent's unerring instinct. Having run away and married her bad boy, Sally must have been proud, too proud to call her parents and ask for help as the marriage became increasingly violent. Sunny had just turned three, and Heather was an infant when their father shot their mother, then killed himself. The Turners discovered almost simultaneously that their daughter was dead and that they had two grandchildren who needed someone to care for them.

Unfortunately, they had learned a month earlier that Estelle had liver cancer.

It had been Dave's idea to volunteer to adopt the children, and while Miriam had doubts about his motives-she thought Dave was more interested in the bond it would establish with Estelle than the girls themselves-she had been eager to do it. Only twenty-five, she had already miscarried three times. Here were two beautiful girls, ready for them, girls that would not require a drawn-out adoption process. The Turners, as the girls' guardians-the girls' only family, as far as anyone knew, a fact that would be verified years later, when Detective Willoughby tried to ascertain if their dead father had any relatives-could a.s.sign guardianship to the Bethanys. It had been simple. And, cruel as it may sound, Miriam was relieved when Estelle finally died and Herb drifted away, as they all had known he would. The girls reminded him too much of his lost wife and daughter. Grateful as Miriam was for his decampment, she despised him for it, too. What kind of man wouldn't want to be part of his granddaughters' lives? Even now that she knew the whole story, she still couldn't get past her initial dislike of the Turners, Herb's uxorious regard for Estelle, his inability to love or care about anyone else. It was likely that Sally had run away because there was no room for her in that beautiful Sudbrook home, filled as it was with Herb's excessive love for Estelle.

The girls never learned the entire story. They knew they were adopted, of course, although Heather had always refused to believe it, even as Sunny pretended to greater memories than she could possibly have. ("We had a house in Nevada," she would announce to Heather. "A house with a fence. And a pony!") But even let's-be-honest, let-it-all-hang-out Dave could not bear to tell the girls the complete truth-the young runaways, their biological father's deadly rage, the loss of two lives because Sally could not bear to pick up the phone and ask her parents for help to get away from the husband they had disapproved of from the start. Miriam had been of the opinion that the girls should never be told everything, while Dave thought it would mark their pa.s.sage into adulthood, at age eighteen or so.

But she had been even more uncomfortable with the gentle fantasy Dave created for the girls in the interim.

"Tell me about my other mommy," Sunny or Heather would say at bedtime.

"Well, she was beautiful-"

"Do I look like her?"

"Yes, exactly." They did. Miriam had seen the photos in the Turners' home. Sally had the same flyaway blond hair, the small-boned frame. "She was beautiful and she married a man and went away to live. But there was an accident-"

"A car accident?"

"Something like that."

"What was it?"

"Yes, a car accident. They died in a car accident."

"Were we there?"

"No." But they had been. That part worried Miriam. The girls had been found in the house, Heather in a crib, Sunny in a playpen. They were in a different room, but what had they seen, what had they heard? What if Sunny remembered something that was more real than Nevada and a house and a pony?

"Where were we?"

"At home with a baby-sitter."

"What was her name?"

And Dave would keep going, making up details until it was simply the most colossal lie that Miriam had ever heard. "We'll tell them the truth when they're eighteen," he said.

To think that the truth could be a.s.signed an age, as if it were beer or the right to vote. Oh, what busy but inexpert beavers Dave and Miriam had been, slapping together makeshift dams against all their secrets, trying to stem the trickle of a mere creek when an earthquake lay in wait for them. In the end all their lies had been released into the world, only to go unnoticed, because who would take note of such puny things in a postapocalyptic world, when so much debris was lying around? On the day that Estelle and Herb Turner came to them seeking their help, Miriam had thought she was providing a fresh start for two innocents. But in the end it was the girls who gave her the chance to reinvent herself. And when they were gone, she had lost that part of herself as well.

f.u.c.k it, she thought, making an erratic and illegal left turn, I will go to Barton Springs. But she turned back to her original route a block later. The Austin real-estate market was beginning to slow. She couldn't risk losing a single client.

CHAPTER 26.

"You think faster than the cash register," said Randy, the Swiss Colony manager.

"Excuse me?"

"The new cash register calculates change, does all the thinking for you. But you don't let it, I can tell. You're a step ahead, Sylvia."

"Syl," she said, pulling at the sleeves of the Swiss Miss outfit they were forced to wear, complete with dirndl and puffy sleeves. The girls all hated the low-cut necklines, which exposed their b.r.e.a.s.t.s as they leaned over to fetch cheese and sausage from the cases. In winter they wore turtlenecks beneath their dresses, though now, with April almost here, it was hard to justify the turtlenecks. "It's Syl, not Sylvia."

"But you can't wrap for s.h.i.t," he said. "I've never seen anyone get more lost in a roll of plastic wrap. And you don't suggestive-sell. If they buy the summer sausage, you gotta push the mustard. If they want the small gift basket, you gotta suggest a larger one."

We don't get commissions, she wanted to say, but she knew it was the wrong thing. She pulled up the right sleeve and the left one slid down, pulled up the left and the right slid down. Fine, let Randy look at her shoulder.

"Don't you need this job, Sylvia?"

"Syl," she said. "It's short for Priscilla, not Sylvia." She was trying to make the new name her own. She was Priscilla Browne now, twenty-two according to the doc.u.ments she carried-a birth certificate, a Social Security card, and a state ID card, but no driver's license.

"You're kinda spoiled, aren't you?"

"Excuse me?"

"You didn't have a lot of work experience. You said you weren't allowed to work in high school, and here you are...what?"-he glanced at the sheet in front of him-"in Fairfax Community College? A daddy's girl, huh?"

"What?"

"He gave you a nice allowance, you didn't have to work. Spoiled you."

"I guess so." Oh, yes, he definitely spoiled me.

"Well, things are slow now. Been slow since Christmas, you want to know. So I have to thin things out...."

He looked at her expectantly, one of the moments that she dreaded. Since forced out on her own, she had been thrust into this situation again and again, trying to converse in what she thought of as the dialect of "normal." The words were more or less the same as the language she knew, but she had trouble following the meanings. When someone left a sentence open-ended, expecting her to fill it in, she was afraid her response would be so off the charts that she would be automatically suspect. Right now, for example, she wanted to provide "...and introduce a line of low-calorie foods." But that clearly wasn't what Randy meant by thinning things out. He meant-Oh, s.h.i.t, she was getting fired. Again.

"You're not a people person," he said. "You're bright, but you shouldn't be in sales."

"I didn't know I was in sales," she said, her eyes br.i.m.m.i.n.g.

"You're a salesgirl," he said. "That's the job t.i.tle. Salesgirl."

"I could do better...with the selling and the wrapping. I could-" She looked up at Randy through her wet lashes and abandoned the plea. He wasn't someone she could sway. Her instincts on this were unerring. "Is this effective as of today? Or do I have to work the rest of my scheduled hours?"

"That's your call," he said. "You want your last four hours on the clock, they're yours. You don't work 'em, you don't get paid."

She considered, for all of a second, stripping out of the costume and marching off in her underwear. She'd seen an actress do that in a movie once, and it had been very effective. But there was no one here to cheer her liberation. The mall was empty at this time of day, which was part of the problem. Even a conscientious, gung-ho salesgirl couldn't sell cheese to people who weren't there. Someone on the staff had to be let go, and she was the right one-the last hired, the least competent, the most sulky. She didn't suggestive-sell. If anything, she tried to talk people out of purchases, especially the stinkier cheeses, because she could barely wrap them without wanting to throw up.

This was the second job she had lost in the last eight months, and for the same reasons. Not a people person. Not a self-starter. Showed no initiative. She wanted to argue that minimum-wage jobs such as this shouldn't require initiative. She knew how to live inside an hour, how to weather the slow pa.s.sing of time. She could endure boredom better than anyone she knew. Wasn't that enough? Apparently not.

She had figured out during the job interview last November, when they were taking people on for the Christmas rush, that Randy would not be kindly inclined toward her. She didn't engage his protective juices. He was gay, but that wasn't the reason. She didn't use s.e.x if she could avoid it. No, there were some people who responded to her and some who didn't, and she had long ago ceased trying to figure out why. It mattered only that she identify those she could manipulate, if needed. In his own way, Uncle had wanted to take care of her, while Auntie had loathed her. People seemed to make up their minds about her in the first minute they met her, and there was no changing them.

"You know what?" she said to Randy. "I don't want to work today if I'm fired. I'll come in for my final paycheck on Friday, and you can have the dress then."

"You won't get paid," he said.

"Right, you said that." She turned her back on him and fluffed out the full red skirt.

"Dry-cleaned," he called after her. "Those dresses should be dry-cleaned."

She walked out into the mall, a sad, run-down place that had lost much of its business to Tysons Corner, the newer and shinier mall to the west. But this one was convenient to the Metro, which was why she had chosen to work there. She didn't have a car. In fact, she didn't know how to drive. It was one thing that Uncle wouldn't teach her. And by the time they both agreed that leaving was the only recourse open to her, there wasn't time to learn. Even when she was working steady, she couldn't imagine parting with the money to go to driving school. She'd just have to continue to live in places with public transportation or find someone who would teach her. She thought about the kind of relationship that would be required if someone was going to teach her to drive and grimaced. It wasn't that she never felt any natural impulse for s.e.x. She had liked looking at Mel Gibson, in that movie called The Road Warrior. In fact, she thought that was a world she could negotiate pretty well, if she had to, a place with one commodity and everyone for himself. Or herself. The problem was that s.e.x had been something she used to keep herself safe, a defensive posture. Okay, okay, I'll do it, don't hurt me again. It was a currency to her now, and she didn't know how to change it back. If Randy had been straight, for example, she'd probably be on her knees in front of him right now, although that was a last-ditch thing for her. The better play was to promise it and seldom deliver. That had worked on her boss in Chicago, at the pizza restaurant. Until his wife came in that day.

When Uncle gave her five thousand dollars and a new name, she thought she would end up in a city. Cities allowed for more anonymity, yet the crush of people and buildings would make her feel safe. She'd chosen San Francisco-Oakland, really-but it had been a poor fit for her. Gradually, almost without realizing it, she headed back east by fits and starts. Phoenix, Albuquerque, Wichita, Chicago again. Finally she ended up in northern Virginia, in Arlington, which had the density and energy of a city, but the added bonus of transience, with people coming and going often enough that no one forced friendship on you. She lived in Crystal City, a name she found hilarious. It sounded so fake, a location in a science-fiction film. Baltimore was not even fifty miles away, Glen Rock another thirty, but the Potomac River seemed as wide and nonnavigable to her as an ocean, a continent, a galaxy. She even avoided the District proper.

She sat on a bench in the desolate mall, bunching her voluminous skirt around her hips, then flattening it out, only to see it spring back to life. Mall-now, that was a language she spoke. There was a comforting sameness to them, wherever one went. Some were glossy and high-end, pulsing with energy, while others, like this one, were a little sad, shot through with a sense of abandonment. But certain things were universal-the overly sweet cookie and cinnamon smells that hung in the air, the scent of new clothes, the perfume counters at the department stores.

She wandered down to the video arcade, a place she had spent her breaks. She played the kiddie games-Ms. Pac-Man and Frogger-and she was getting very good at them, good enough so that she could finance an hour with nothing more than a dollar or two. She was beginning to see patterns in the games, how finite the possibilities were. At this time of day, a few hours before school would let out, she was virtually alone in the arcade, and she was sure she looked odd, a young woman in a Swiss Miss outfit yanking on the joystick so some yellow blob could gobble up dots. She got far enough into Ms. Pac-Man today to see the meeting and the chase, but she used up her last life before the baby Pac arrived in its carriage. She seldom made it to Baby Pac on this machine. It was programmed a hair fast, and it cheated you on the invincibility portion of the game, where every millisecond counted.

She used her last quarter to buy the Washington Star, and she read the want ads on the Metro, sneaking her hand into her purse to eat a few contraband M & M's. Eating and drinking were strictly prohibited on the Metro, and she liked circ.u.mventing stupid rules. She reasoned it kept her in practice for when she really needed to cheat at something. She wished she could outthink the fare system as well, which charged different prices according to the routes traveled and required a ticket to exit. Jumping a turnstile would never be her style, but there had to be a way around the fares, which weren't exactly cheap.

She had not planned to be this way. Sneaky, that is. Arguably, she didn't need to be this way anymore. She had a new name and therefore a new life. "A blank slate," Uncle had promised her. "A chance to start over, with no one bothering you. You can be whatever you want to be. And I'll always be here for you if you really, really need me." She couldn't imagine needing him. She hoped never to see him again. She brought her hands up to her face but dropped them quickly. They smelled of plastic and cheese. She hadn't even worked her shift, and still she smelled of plastic and cheese.

Back home in her studio apartment, she took the dress down to the bas.e.m.e.nt laundry room. Despite what Randy said, it didn't have to be dry-cleaned. He was full of s.h.i.t. But she left it in on high for an hour, forgetting how strong these apartment machines were, and it had shrunk several sizes-it would fit a twelve-year-old maybe, or a midget. Randy would probably use that as an excuse not to cut her final check, then make some poor girl wear it anyway, so the male customers could get a little thrill while buying their stupid cheese. f.u.c.k him. She threw the dress in the trash can and went upstairs to do her homework. She owed a paper in her statistics cla.s.s, but the professor was an old man whose hands shook violently when she spoke to him. He'd cut her some slack.

PART VII.

SAt.u.r.dAY.

CHAPTER 27.

Brunswick, Georgia, smelled. At first Infante tried to chalk it up to his own imagination, his reflexive dislike for the deep-fried South-with-a-capital-S. Baltimore had been enough of a culture shock when he moved there in his early twenties, although he had gotten used to it, even come to prefer it. A police could live on his salary and overtime in Baltimore, unlike Long Island. Maybe money went further still down here, but he couldn't see making that transition. There was no getting around it, Brunswick flat-out stank.

The waitress at the Waffle House must have seen the way his nose was puckered when he came in from outside.

"Pehpermeal," she said in a low tone, as if offering the pa.s.sword to a secret club.

"Pepper mill?" He was really having a hard time understanding the people down here, despite how slowly they spoke.

"Peh. Per. Meal," she repeated. "That's what you smell. Don't worry, you'll get used to it fast."

"I'm not going to have time to get used to anything here." He gave her his best smile. He loved women who brought him food. Even when they were plain and unattractive, like this dumpy, pockmarked girl, he loved them.

It had been almost ten when he got into Brunswick the night before, too dark and too late to visit the neighborhood where Penelope Jackson and her boyfriend had lived. But he'd cruised the block this morning, on his way to this meeting with the local fire inspector. Reynolds Street, at least the particular block where Tony Dunham had lived and died, looked kind of sc.r.a.ppy. It was on its way either up or down. Then again, much of Brunswick looked that way to Kevin, as if it were sliding into despair or picking itself back up after a long slump. Not for me, he thought, regarding the town from the bubble of the Chevy Charisma that Alamo Rent-a-Car had provided. But when he got closer to the water and felt the soft, sweet breeze and remembered how spring had yet to get started up in Baltimore, he began to get the point. There was a gentleness to the weather here, and the people, too. He respected it-in the weather.