What a Young Husband Ought to Know Part 13

Mr. C. J. Bayer tells of a young wife at whom some girl friends pointed their finger, and, referring to her condition, said: "Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" After they were gone, the young mother went to her room and cried bitterly over the remark which the girls had made. Her child, when seen by Mr. Bayer at the age of six, if any one, a stranger or friend, pointed a finger at her, would burst into a fit of crying, and it seemed impossible to cure her of this habit.

He also tells of a young mother who had an exceptionally bright child: "When the child was three months old its brightness was commented upon by some of her friends, and the mother said, 'I impressed that upon her.' 'How did you come to do that?' She replied, 'I have seen so many dull children, in my school work, who could not understand what was told them, that I wanted my child to be quick to perceive and to comprehend, and so let my mind dwell upon it, hoping to get favorable results. I had been told that it could be done, and I am convinced that it is possible.'"

Many instances of horrible child-marking are given in medical books, but it is not best to allow the mind to dwell upon these things. We name but a couple of instances, to ill.u.s.trate the principle. Dr. Napheys tells of a woman, the wife of a baker, who, during the early months of her pregnancy, sold bread over the counter. Nearly every day a child with a double thumb came in for a penny roll, presenting the money between the thumb and the finger. After the third month the mother left the bakery, but the malformation was so impressed upon her mind that she was not surprised to see it reproduced in her own infant. The mother in due time sought to correct the deformity by having the supernumerary thumb removed by a surgical operation.

We recently heard of a mother who gave birth to a child that had but one hand. The other arm was handless, as if amputated between the elbow and wrist. The only way she could account for the deficiency in her child was the fact that her husband's brother, who had had his hand amputated, lived in the family during the earlier months of her pregnancy. While she received no special shock, being familiar with his condition, yet the mental impression, continued through a considerable period of the earlier months, had its disastrous result.

Mr. C. J. Bayer names some interesting instances in support of his theory that the disastrous effects of being frightened in the earlier months of gestation may be corrected by the wish of the mother that her child may not be affected, deformed or marked by the object or influences which have caused her to be startled. He says that if a mother earnestly desires to counteract a bad influence she should hope and long that it may not do any harm. The result of such mental effort will be beneficial to the forming brain. That very longing and desire upon the part of the mother will have a corresponding effect upon her child. This idea is drawn from, and the phenomena is explained by, the fact that the mother, through her longings, creates the brain-substance which is to control the desires which her child will possess.

Much might also be said upon the subject of longings. In a general way it may be said that it is always best, when the longing is a proper one, to see that it is promptly gratified. Even a desire for a particular article of food is likely to produce in the child a p.r.o.nounced desire for the same thing. It is well, also, for the mother carefully to note any longings which occur during the period of gestation, as it may afford her an easy clue to the cause of the persistent crying of her child after its birth. An instance may prove suggestive.

An Israelitish mother, "before the birth of her first child, smelled fried pork, and longed for a taste of it, but her religion forbade. When the child was born he positively refused the breast or bottle. The nurse asked: 'What does this child want?' The mother replied: 'I do not know of anything, except pork.' The father at once got a strip of pork, let the child suck it a few moments, after which he was ready to nurse." The father also related that notwithstanding the fact that the eating of pork was contrary to their religious teaching, yet they had never been able to restrain their son, who was then twenty-one years of age, from eating it.

Numerous instances are related in different books where young infants have moaned and cried continually, and upon being given a taste of that for which the mother had longed prior to the birth of the child the infant at once became quiet, and afterward seemed pa.s.sive and contented.

We have read of a young mother who was a strict temperance woman, but who had a longing for liquor. Her husband was also a temperance man, but they decided that some be given the mother, the same as any other medicine, under the circ.u.mstances, in order to relieve the longing and save the child. After taking a dose of liquor the longing pa.s.sed away, and the child was normally born. Where the use of liquor is persisted in during the period of pregnancy, many instances might be quoted where all the children in the family died drunkards. There are some exceptional instances in which the children of intemperate fathers never seem possessed of a desire to use beverages. It is possible that investigation might show, in such instances, that the mother had such an abhorrence of the effects of intemperance upon her husband that her constant longing that her children might live sober, upright lives had resulted in securing for her a strictly temperance progeny.

Dr. Dio Lewis, in his book ent.i.tled "Chast.i.ty," when writing of prenatal influences, says: "It is not carrying this subject too far to say that if any trade or profession seems particularly desirable, the genius for success in that line may be given to the child by proper effort before its birth. The mother whose mind persistently dwells upon any chosen subject during this nine months of gestation will surely see in her offspring the mark of her thought. Beauty of person, strength of mind, sweetness of disposition and holy aspiration may be a.s.sured to posterity by parents wise and loving enough to fulfill the laws which lead to the desired results."

Dr. Napheys, in writing upon the same subject, says: "What a charming idea is this! What an incentive, to those about to become mothers, to cultivate refinement, high thoughts, pure emotion, elevated sentiments!"

The character and disposition of the children oftentimes indicate the influences which surrounded the mother during the months prior to their birth. The first-born is likely to resemble the father more closely than the children born later, because the bride is apt to have her thoughts dwell much upon her young husband. Those born during a period of financial prosperity are likely to be liberal, sometimes wasteful, and, possibly, spendthrifts. Those born during the years when means are scarce and economy is necessary are likely to be economical, and some even miserly.

Prenatal influences are both subtle and potent, and no amount of wealth or learning or influence can secure exemption from them. No golden lock or jeweled hand can successfully hold the door against the admission of these influences. Medical science has done much to mend defects, alleviate suffering, patch up broken const.i.tutions, and effect great improvements, but the greatest remains to be accomplished by remedying, as far as possible, the causes of these great evils by disseminating intelligence and inspiring parents and young people with such knowledge and purposes as will prepare the way for the raising up of a superior generation. In this work the philanthropic physician occupies the place of greatest usefulness.

Parents need to realize that the work of right-forming is greater than the work of reforming. The philanthropist who labors for the reformation of adults does well; those who give their energy and effort to the education and proper bringing up of children do better; but those who intelligently devote themselves to the proper formation of the body, character and disposition of those yet unborn do best of all. We are thoroughly orthodox upon the subject of human depravity, but we believe that persons may be so generated as to be the more easy subjects of regeneration. Or they may be so "conceived and born in sin" as manifestly to ill.u.s.trate the declaration of the Psalmist: "The wicked are estranged from the womb; they go astray as soon as they are born."

Before leaving this subject we desire to say a word which may be of comfort to any parents whose children may be born to them with some blemish or deformity. G.o.d has so equipped the mother-heart and the father-heart that they should love and care for those who are unattractive, or even unsightly. We recently heard of a mother whose child was born with a harelip, and, fearing lest the sight of the child might have a depressing effect upon the mother in her enfeebled condition, various excuses were made to keep the child out of her sight for a period of several days. When evasions would avail no longer, and the mother was shown her child, after a momentary sense of disappointment she said: "Well, it is my child, and I can love it just the same."

It is also an encouragement to know that what are ordinarily called birthmarks generally diminish, and oftentimes disappear after a brief period. Dr. Russegger tells of a woman who in the seventh month of her pregnancy was bitten in the calf of her leg by a dog. At the moment of the accident she was somewhat alarmed, but neither then nor afterward had any fear that her child would be affected by the occurrence. Ten weeks later, when her child was born, there were marks upon the calf of its right leg resembling the impressions made by the dog's teeth upon the leg of the mother. The impressions of two of the teeth disappeared in five weeks, and the others gradually faded away. Similar results may be expected in most instances.

There is one branch of the prenatal subject which has reference to determining the s.e.x before birth, in which some persons, because of a predominance of either male or female children in their families, may naturally and properly have special interest. The desire of some parents for male children in preference to female children is both wrong and unworthy of that proper Christian regard in which woman should rightfully be held. In heathen countries, because of the hardships to which women are subjected, the parents are often sad when a girl is born into the family; but in Christian lands, where the influences of the gospel have given woman her proper place and rightful recognition, the feeling which disparages the girl child, or would lead to a preference for male children to the exclusion of female children, is altogether wrong and unworthy of our Christian civilization.

It will readily be seen, from the effect of prenatal influences, that it would not be desirable, because of its effects upon the formation of the growing life within the mother's body, that she should allow her mind to dwell largely upon these subjects, or anxiously desire one s.e.x in preference to another. Where such influences are exerted upon the embryo, a male child with an effeminate, girlish nature, or a female child with a boyish, masculine disposition, might be the result. While it is perfectly proper that parents should know what views are held by medical and scientific men upon these subjects, it is not best that the mother's mind should be influenced by the consideration of them during the period of gestation.

The influences which control and determine s.e.x are so subtle, and have hitherto so thoroughly evaded human investigation and study, that little or no reliance can be placed upon any of the theories. Of the vast number of theories, many are ludicrous, some are exact contraries of others, a few seem plausible, while none have been found infallible, or even reliable.

Some have held that the phases of the moon at the period of conception controlled and determined the s.e.x of the offspring. Others have held that the season of the year when the ovum is produced and fertilized determines the result. This theory makes it largely a question of temperature and climate. The theory which has had many advocates is one that contends that the question of s.e.x is largely determined by the question of food prior to conception and during the period of gestation.

By persons who hold this theory it is maintained that during periods of prosperity and plenty the number of girl children preponderate, and that during periods of adversity, and when food is less abundant, the majority of those who are born are boys. Another theory which has been often repeated, and as often disproved, is that the s.e.x of the offspring is determined by the side of the reproductive system engaged in the production of the ovum, and of the sperm; that if the generative glands upon the right side of the body of the mother and of the father are engaged, a male child is the result; but if the left sides are engaged, the result is a girl. This theory maintains that the ovum which proceeds from the right ovary results in the formation of the body of a male child, while those that proceed from the left ovary result in the production of a female child. That this theory is not reliable has often been demonstrated in instances where the right or the left ovary of the woman has been removed by surgical operation, and she has subsequently become the mother both of male and of female offspring. The same is true with regard to fathers who have, by accident or disease, lost one of the testes, and have subsequently become the fathers of both boys and girls.

Another theory which has received considerable attention is that the ova, liberated from month to month, alternate in gender. That one month the ovum is of that character which would result in the production of a male child, and the succeeding month of such a nature as would result in the production of a female child. Some hold that the respective ages of the parents have something to do with determining the question of the s.e.x of their offspring; that where the father is older than the mother, female children are likely to predominate. Some hold that the superior vitality of the father, or of the mother, will result in the production of s.e.x of their own kind. Some persons who have given attention and study to this subject teach exactly the reverse of these two theories.

The theory which has been largely accepted by intelligent medical authorities is that children conceived in from two to six days after the cessation of the menses are generally girls, and that those conceived in from nine to twelve days after the cessation of the menses are boys--or, in other words, that those begotten in the earlier period after the cessation of the monthly period of the mother are likely to be girls, and those begotten in the later period are likely to be boys.

There are many theories, some of which seem altogether fanciful, if not silly--such as that the s.e.x of the child is determined by the side of the bed upon which the father sleeps, whether the bed is situated so that the persons lie with their heads toward the north or some other point of the compa.s.s. Knowing the natural curiosity of not a few persons upon such subjects, and the abnormal desire of some parents for children of one or the other s.e.x, there are not a few impostors who offer to furnish information upon these subjects at a costly price. The methods proposed are sometimes innocent, and may be without injury, while in many other instances the suggestions are debasing, likely to produce injurious results, and never reliable. While the desired s.e.x may be determined in harmony with natural laws, the parents may give all the credit to the impostor, if Nature has brought them a child of the s.e.x they have desired. It would scarcely seem necessary to advise intelligent people against the impositions of such ignorant pretenders.

The entire subject has been wrapped in a mystery hitherto impenetrable.

No investigation has yet been able to secure from Nature her secret concerning this matter. It is very possible that the Creator of mankind has purposely placed this knowledge beyond human reach, and left the regulation of this important matter wholly to His own infinite decrees.

CHAPTER XIX.

CHILDHOOD.

While it is possibly true that the most potent molding influences may be exerted prior to the birth of the child, yet where parents have lacked the intelligence to avail themselves of the largest and best results in this respect, or discover defects after their children are born, there still remains an opportunity for them. They can in some measure retrieve lost opportunities, correct defects, supply deficiencies, and even accomplish wonderful results in the training and development of their children. "As the twig is bent the tree is inclined." If the twig is crooked, if taken very early it may be straightened; but it is far better that the twig should be straight at first, and without the necessity of being straightened. It is better that children should be born without defects, rather than that there should be the necessity of correcting these mistakes; but as a straight twig may be bent to its permanent and incurable injury, so a child, properly nurtured and well-born, may be injured or totally ruined, mentally, morally or physically, by deficient or defective training during its childhood.

There are many excellent books upon the nurture and training of children, and young parents would do well to avail themselves of the advantages and excellent suggestions afforded by such publications.

There are also many excellent periodicals for young parents, such as "The New Crusade," "Trained Motherhood," "The Mothers' Journal," and others, which are very valuable and almost indispensable. From such books and periodicals young parents can obtain the best of suggestions with regard to the early care, proper nurture and careful training of their little ones. We cannot now dwell upon any of the many important phases of child-training. s.p.a.ce only affords opportunity to emphasize some things which seem to us of special importance and likely to be overlooked.

Many young parents think that the training of their children will be a matter for consideration when they are three or four years old. No more serious mistake can possibly be made. The first three months will determine the babyhood, and the first two years the childhood, and the childhood will determine the manhood or womanhood. The first two years may almost be said to determine both the character and the destiny of the child for all time to come. The child that is not properly taught during the first two years is likely to remain untaught, undisciplined, uncontrolled, and oftentimes uncontrollable, for the remainder of its childhood and throughout its entire life.

The questions of the hours of feeding, the hours for sleep; whether the child is to be rocked, or carried when it whimpers--all these are questions of the utmost importance from the very beginning. Many a mother has been enslaved for life because of the mistakes which she made during the first few weeks after her child was born.

Parents should protect their children against the silly and dangerous habit of being promiscuously kissed. The prevalent custom of kissing babies and children is not only silly upon the part of those who do it, but a nuisance to the child, and in many instances detrimental to the health of the child. Where promiscuous kissing is allowed, persons with offensive breath, consumptive tendencies, contagious and even loathsome diseases, may unintentionally inflict irreparable wrong upon both the child and its parents. Only the other day we read in a medical journal where a young child of poor parents who kept a boarding-house was kissed by one of the boarders, who communicated to the child one of the most loathsome of diseases. Such dangers exist not only among the poor, but are perhaps even more prevalent among the affluent, in the circle of whose acquaintances there is likely to be some well-dressed but vicious and corrupt individual.

Let no care or proper expense be spared in making the influences which are exerted in the nursery both attractive and potent. Young parents should be their children's best playfellows. There should be a proper amount of games, carefully-selected amus.e.m.e.nts, books, papers, pictures chosen with scrupulous care, and mother and mother's influence in the midst of them all. What the child needs pre-eminently above playthings, books, clothes, and every other earthly thing, is _the presence and influence of mother_. No other woman in the world can take her place.

Many mothers farm their children out to nurses, and then give themselves to household duties, social pleasures, or possibly to duties which may be important in themselves, but which, after all, can only be secondary to the discharge of the all-important duties of motherhood.

Many otherwise excellent women find the nursery a prison, and the care of their own children irksome, simply because they have a perverted mother-sense. The mother should have proper relief from the care of her children, but if she has the true mother-heart the companionship of her children will be the society which she will prefer above that of all others.

Where servants are necessary, and such cases do exist, parents should exercise the utmost caution in guarding the purity of their children.

Hundreds, and we can properly say thousands, of children are annually wronged and ruined by the vices practiced upon them by servants. This is an especial danger where nurses and servants are permitted to undress the child and put it to bed at night. Many a nurse who is anxious to quiet her little charge, that it may fall asleep promptly, is guilty of exciting sensations which quiet the child and prevent its crying, but which inflict upon the nervous system of an infant results of the most far-reaching character. Mothers are very apt to be unsuspecting in these matters, and therefore it is highly important that the attention of fathers should be called to this grave danger.

The child should also be protected against being frightened, being made afraid in the dark, told of spooks, bugaboos, "the old beggar-man" and the police coming for them. Remember, also, that in this most impressible period of character-formation servants and others can do the child great injury by teaching it to be deceitful and untruthful. It is at this age, also, that they learn incorrect and ungrammatical forms of expression; and if the nurse-girl is ignorant and silly, and is permitted to a.s.semble upon the streets or in the park, with others of her age, while tending the child, a bright child of two or three years will pick up more coa.r.s.eness and more undesirable information concerning human depravity than can be expunged from its mind by subsequent months and years of careful training.

It is important to enjoin upon parents the duty of guarding their children against secret vice. Parents are very apt to think that while other children might be guilty of such sins, their own children are "too innocent and too pure" to fall into such vices. We have known mothers to hold up their hands in holy horror at such a suggestion, but when the more cautious fathers have watched their children, they have discovered that even at the age of five and six their little boys have learned from older playmates, impure companions, degraded servants, or by sliding down the bal.u.s.trade, or in some other incidental way, the terrible habit of self-pollution. Young children cannot be too carefully guarded in this important matter. Where infants exhibit a tendency to handle their private parts, great care should be given to the cleanliness of those parts, and, if continued, the family physician should be consulted, to see whether circ.u.mcision is not necessary to remove local irritation and inflammation. This is found to be necessary in many instances. Circ.u.mcision was an important sanitary regulation among the Israelites, is a simple surgical operation which is most beneficial in its results, and very important in many instances.

When your children are old enough to ask honest questions, see that, in reply, they receive an honest answer. If a child is intelligent and thoughtful, one of the earliest inquiries will be concerning the origin of life. When a little one is born into your own or another household, it is only natural and proper that intelligent children should inquire where it came from. There should be no fables about babies being brought by doctors, or being found under cabbage-leaves, or taken from hollow stumps in the woods, for an intelligent and altogether satisfactory answer can be given to an intelligent child of six or seven years, and even younger. Another has aptly and truthfully said: "Ignorance is a deadly sin. The truth properly told has never yet harmed a child; silence, false modesty and mystery have corrupted the souls and bodies of untold millions." Where parents are intelligent upon this subject, and know how to present these matters properly to the thought of their children, we have never heard of a child who asked an embarra.s.sing question, nor have we known of anything but the most satisfactory and blessed results. Parents will find beautiful and helpful suggestions in "Teaching Truth" and "Child Confidence Rewarded," two booklets by Mary Wood-Allen, M.D.; and it was also to aid parents in these matters that "What a Young Boy Ought to Know" and "What a Young Girl Ought to Know"

were written. Parents should read these books and learn how to communicate the information, either in conversation or by reading to the child such portions as are suited to its needs. Remember that the disposition which prompts your child to keep an unclean thing a secret from you will also incline the child to refrain from conversation upon a pure matter which is to be a secret between parent and child. If you allow others to teach your child sacred truths in an unhallowed way, if you decline to give your children an honest answer to their honest and reasonable inquiries, they will secure in its degrading form, from vicious companions or ignorant servants, the information they seek. It is infinitely easier to keep the mind of the child pure than to purify it after it has been polluted. When corrupting thoughts and degrading pictures have been painted upon the canvas of the mind, they can never be totally obliterated.

When your child approaches the age of p.u.b.erty, the little boy becomes awkward, his voice breaks, the down starts upon his upper lip, he becomes bashful and shrinking. At that trying period, when so many take special pleasure in taunting and tantalizing--at that period of special stress when the boy and the girl pre-eminently need tenderness--see to it that your children are protected against the wrongs to which others are subjected. This is the period in the life of the boy and the girl when they are not able to understand themselves or to interpret life to their own satisfaction, and then it is that they should be made intelligent upon the conditions which attend the transition from childhood, and indicate the approach of manhood and womanhood. It is then that the books in the series for boys and girls will be found especially indispensable, and in due time, according to the judgment of the parents, should be followed by the book addressed to young men or to young women.

Look carefully after the education of your children. Remember that the picture-book, the nursery-song, the evening prayer, the family music, the walk, the ride, the hasty word, the thoughtful counsel, are all helping to educate your child. Know what books they read. Be sure that in the public schools they sit under the instruction of no one who insinuates doubt or destroys the careful and sacred instruction of the home. When evening comes and evil lurks for the destruction of the young, gather your children about you in your home. Make home attractive to them. Let it be the centre and source of that which is to inspire them to n.o.ble manhood and exalted womanhood. Regard nothing as expensive which will contribute to make your children pure and good and great.

That your children may be guarded against the errors which come from sleeping with other children, neither at home nor elsewhere should they share their beds with others.

Look well to the physical culture of your children. If physical culture has no place in your school, see that the attention of directors and teachers is called to this important matter. Encourage your children to use the gymnasium of the Young Men's Christian a.s.sociation, or some other organization that similarly maintains the strictest purity and the highest moral standards. Teach or have your children taught those forms of gymnastics that require no appurtenances; supply them with a pair of dumb-bells weighing a pound or two each. Furnish the nursery with some Exerciser of approved pattern, with preference for one which can be adjusted to the needs of either adults or children. Encourage them in out-of-door sports; see that their sleeping-rooms are well ventilated; encourage them to desire to be strong and well. Teach them to govern their appet.i.tes; regulate their lives so as to secure the best health and the best physical and intellectual powers.

In the culture of the intellectual and the physical do not forget the moral training of your children. Among the books and the papers, see that there is a good supply of those of a religious character. Teach your children to want right things, and to have pleasure in doing good.

Make a faithful use of the Sunday-school and of the Church. Let their place in the family pew from early childhood be regularly filled; provide them with a hymnbook, see that they have something for the collection, teach them to be reverent. If, in early life, your children are religiously inclined, do not make the fatal mistake of standing between them and their union with the Church. Do not say: "Oh! they are too young fully to understand what it all means." Who is old enough to understand all the mysteries of Divine grace? It is enough for us to know that Jesus welcomes and saves the children, as well as older people. Polycarp was converted at nine years of age; Matthew Henry at eleven; President Edwards at seven; Dr. Watts at nine; Bishop Hall at seven, and Robert Hall at twelve.

And now we have come to the place where author and reader must part.

Taking your hand in a final grasp, we can only look into your face and a.s.sure you that if, as a young husband, you rightly estimate the sacredness of marriage; if you bring to it that purity, honor and sanct.i.ty which you rightly expect upon the part of your wife; if you rightly use its privileges, and are ready to exercise such personal restraints as shall secure to both parties the largest present pleasure and permanent happiness, you will then obtain the benediction and blessings which marriage and home and parentage have to bestow.

THE END.