War's Brighter Side Part 24

"Alas!" said the Field-artillerist as he watched his Leg disa.s.sociate itself from the Remainder of his Anatomy, "Who would have thought that an Implement officially rejected by the War Office and what is more, d.a.m.ned by Myself, could have done so neat a Trick?"

MORAL. Do not condemn the Unofficial. It hits hard.

THE MILITARY LETTER WRITER.

FORMS AND MODELS.

BY TWO OF THE EDITORS AND THE AUTHOR OF A GUIDE TO POLITE LETTER WRITING.

No. I.

(_From a General of Division unshaven for eight days who lost his horse, which he had lately commandeered from a subaltern of transport, after having dined not wisely but too well at a Cavalry Camp, five miles from his own tent, to which he was conducted through a rain-storm by an inebriated signaller, to Captain Vanderbyl of the Ninety-Third Field Hospital, given by voluntary subscriptions, of which the larger part remain to this day unpaid, so that the hospital is without bandages, lint or beds, whom he suspects of being accessory to the animal's disappearance._)

RESPECTED SIR:--

It is with deep pain that I take my pen in hand to trespa.s.s on your valuable time, but the imperative needs of the case must be my justification.

Twelve happy hours ago I was the proud, and I may add, the lawful possessor of a bay mare, off fore foot white, white blaze and snip, near hind pastern marked by heel rope, unshod in front and ear nicked, which I think I left with a man with two heads but that may have been on account of the sherry and bitters and she was tied up to the railings because my boy forgot the blanket and I borrowed one from the hospital but anyhow I know that when I came out she was a lousy mule and the saddle cost 6 10s. at the Army and Navy Stores and I may as well tell you at once if you have tried to dispose of it that they are marked all over with my name and rank. Therefore, Augustus Burstem, General of Division presents his compliments to Captain Vanderbyl and everybody in the camp knows the mule is yours and besides your boy was seen grooming her at the back of your tent this morning. I want it back by bearer.

Yours sincerely, AUGUSTUS BURSTEM, General.

No. II.

(_From a saddle-chafed officer of the Staff with Evangelical convictions and a rooted distaste for Scouting, who has just come off a 10 days' march on quarter rations and has lost half his transport and 7 men by advancing in close order upon the white flag to his General, who has a taste for horse-racing and profanity and a good seat across country, seventeen and a half hours after his return to camp, and seventeen and one quarter hours after the General had expressed his (the General's) opinion upon his (the Captain's) facial peculiarities, mental attainments, moral rect.i.tude, birth, parentage, and probable future._)

MY DEAR SIR,--

I have been much perplexed for some days, in consequence of a growing conviction--which has indeed been deepening for some weeks--that we are each of us conscious that we have made a mistake in becoming engaged. I believe you have this conviction, as I am obliged to confess I have. Now it is infinitely better that we face it at once. I would gladly be convinced that we have not been mistaken; and if I am wrong in believing that this thought has been in your mind as well as my own, pray forgive me for having misjudged you. How else can I account for the depression which seems to rule you when in my company, and for the apparent relief which parting seems to bring you? Now, will you do yourself and me the justice to ask yourself seriously whether or no (I) have at all correctly gauged your feeling? If so, I would wish to release you, for your own sake as well as for mine. It really seems that we have each discovered that our ideals are not to be found in each other. If so we shall respect each other none the less in future years that we had the courage to confess to each other that we have been mistaken. Kindly write when you are sure of the answer which you are sending.

Faithfully yours, WALTER.

It is interesting to note that this and the following letter are taken literally word for word from a well-known "Letter-writer." Thus we see the adaptability of these invaluable helps to the epistolary art. It will not be necessary to suggest the original suggested circ.u.mstances of this correspondence.

No. 3.

THE GENERAL'S ANSWER.

DEAR WALTER,--I have taken a few days to sift my thoughts on the subject of your last. The conclusion that I have come to is practically the same as yours. I have no blame to lay on you; on the contrary, you have been most kind and considerate in all things. No doubt, without intending it, we have been both mistaken; and although we have honestly tried to be all to each other, yet that mysterious something which is perhaps best expressed by the word "affinity" has been lacking. So, without in the least losing my respect for you--rather it has increased--I accept the proposal contained in your last, viz., that our engagement should cease.

Sincerely yours, B. I. TUMEN, Genl.

UNITED WE STAND.

BY TROOPER G. SIMES, F SQUADRON, ROBERTS' HORSE.

Who are these hasting with speed o'er the ocean, Meeting together in one common cause, Proving by deeds and a whole-souled devotion, Their love for our Flag and contempt for the Boers?

These are the oversea sons of one mother, Some bred in sunshine and some bred in snow; Meeting together as brother with brother, One common kindred 'gainst one common foe.

Bright sunny land in the far-off Pacific, Fit habitation for men such as these, Proving their birthright in battle terrific, Sons of the Mother though bred overseas.

Grand snow-clad land on the stormy Atlantic, Home of our brothers who fight with us here-- Proving by deeds most high-souled and romantic Their love for their country we all hold so dear.

This be our comfort and this be our beacon-- Blood that was shed has but bound us together, No power can conquer, no quarrels shall weaken The Rose and the Maple, the Wattle and Heather!

TEN-A-PENNY'S.[8]

[Footnote 8: "Ten-a-Penny" was a soldiers' nickname for the Pom-pom.

"The ----y Doorknocker" it was christened in the Highland Brigade. The word "Pom-pom" came first into use immediately after the battle of Modder River.]

A certain General has breathed vengeance against two of the Editors of THE FRIEND, threatening to put them in his guard-room if he finds them within his lines. They are not afraid of him, but prefer to admire him as of old. They scorn his threats but will welcome an invitation to lunch.

A linesman describing the arrival of the Guards Brigade at Bloemfontein after they had covered 41 miles in 22 hours: "An' they come in the last mile like a lot o' bloomin' Park hacks, steppin' 'igh an' dressin' most particular."

A French waiter at a Parisian cafe recently heard the news of Kimberley's relief, and observed joyously: "Bon! Fashoda finds itself avenged. Behold, ze English again in the consommee, for ze French are in Kimberley!"

"Look here! You get away from this antheap. This is my antheap. There are plenty around, and you find one for yourself." The hail of Mauser bullets from the kopje was pretty heavy, and the nearest antheap at least fifty yards away, so the other Grahamstown man disputed the uitlander theory of his comrade, and insisted on staying. "Confound you, get away I tell you; your big feet are drawing the fire; if you don't I'll break your neck." "You shut up," said the other, "this antheap is as much mine as yours, besides if you talk of breaking necks, well----" There appeared to be no further conversation, but the officer observed the two men suddenly arise and a hot set-to followed.

The fire was too hot for immediate inquiry, but after a prolonged round one man was knocked down, the other drew him behind the disputed shelter, and resumed patient firing at the enemy.

Later a request was made for orders regarding the possession of antheaps by irregulars.

A well-known scout returning from Kimberley last week was taken prisoner at Modder River by a party of eight Boers. He was sent in charge of two burghers to the Boer camp near Brandfort. On the way the Boers off-saddled and their horses strayed. Leaving their prisoner alone with their guns and ammunition, which they had laid down, they went after the horses. Here was an excellent opportunity. Both Boers were at his mercy, but it looked too much like murder, so awaiting their return, the scout, who could speak the Taal, appealed to them to let him go, telling them that he could easily have shot them, but the war was nearly over, and he would not take men's lives in that way; further, that it would greatly inconvenience him to be taken North, and he might be able to put in a good word for them soon, if their farms should be in danger. After an hour's palaver they agreed to give him a show, and told him he could go. They then escorted him to the river and showed him the road to Bloemfontein.

PONT FILLED WITH BULLION.

This is the story of two men who, unarmed, and without a guard brought 25,000 in bullion from Capetown to Bloemfontein, through a country still seething with dangers of war. The men were L. L. Mich.e.l.l, general manager of the Standard Bank of South Africa, and W. Munro du Preez, formerly of the National Bank of Harrismith, now teller of the Standard Bank's new Bloemfontein branch, which opened to-day in the building on Market Square, formerly occupied by the Cafe Royal and later by the Military Post Office.

They left Capetown on Thursday a week ago, with twelve boxes of specie, each one of which weighed eighty pounds. For six days they lived, ate, and slept on those boxes. Their only holiday was at Naauwpoort, when they paid a high compliment to six A. and S.

Highlanders by putting the boxes in their charge and going out to stretch their legs. For hundreds of miles the train ran through desolate karoo in which a band of train robbers would have stood a fair chance of success. At Colesberg the twelve heavy boxes were piled out again on the platform and into the ladies' waiting-room and the weary bankers stretched out on them, for the night.