Warlock - The Warlock Enraged Part 33

"It doth sound so, when thou dost say it."

"Yes-but stating it also makes me able to see that it doesn't make sense." Rod grinned. "I have to draw on my powers, though. There have been times when they came in 228.

229.

almighty handy. Just now, for example-Alfar had his dag- ger at my throat, so I had nothing to lose." He shuddered.

"And 'Lord Kem' almost took over completely, this time."

"Aye." Simon smiled. "Thou didst fear, didst thou not?

To use thy powers, for fear of summoning 'Lord Kem.'"

Rod nodded, chagrined. "Even if he's just an illusion I made up. Yeah. I'd still be afraid of it."

"Yet thou dost wish to use these powers." Simon raised a forefinger. "Whether they be Lord Kem's, or but thine own magics, that thine anger doth conjure up, thou dost fear to use them, lest thou shouldst yield to temptation, and let thine hands do what thou dost abhor."

Rod nodded slowly. "Nicely said. Separating the thought from the action. Yes. I have always been a bit schizoid."

"Then contain the power thou dost conjure up," Simon urged. "Thus thou mayst reunite thy thoughts with thine action, by containing thine active part within the pen thy thoughts do make. Contain 'Lord Kem,' even as thou dost contain thine anger. a.s.suredly thou hast not forgot our con- versation, touching on that point? 'Twas directly after thou..."

"After I beat up on that poor, unsuspecting, defenseless rock. Yes." Rod nodded, lips tight with chagrin. "Yeah, I remember it. But I still don't understand how you keep the lid on your anger."

"Nay, I do not!" Simon frowned, shaking a finger at Rod. "If the anger rises, do not attempt to bury it, nor to pretend that it's not there. Let it be in thine awareness, and do not seek to throttle it-but contain it."

Rod frowned. "And how do you manage that?"

"By distancing thyself from the person who doth anger thee," Simon answered. "'Tis not easily done, I know- for when the folk of the village had come to like me, and their priest had become my friend, I did come from out mine hermitage, to live among them. I built myself mine inn-with their aid. And, in good time, I found myself a wife." His head lifted, gazing off into the past again. "She bore me bonny bairns, and together we labored to rear them."

"That's right-you do have a daughter."

"Two-and a son. Who, by Heaven's grace, went for a soldier in the last war, and remained in the South, to serve Lord Borgia. Beshrew me, but I love him! Yet whilst he grew, he tried me sorely!"

"I wouldn't say I know all about that," Rod growled, "but I'm sure learning. How did you deal with it?"

"By holding in my mind, and never letting go, the notion that 'twas not me his anger aimed at, but at that which I stood for."

"Authority," Rod guessed. "Limits on his actions."

"Aye-and the tree from which he needed to separate himself, the shoot, or he'd not be a being in his own right.

Yet 'twas more than that-'twas that he was not angry at me, but at what I'd done or said."

"That doesn't make much sense." Rod frowned. "What you're trying to say is, it was anger, not hatred."

Simon gazed off into s.p.a.ce. "Mayhap that is the sense of it. Yet whether it be anger or hatred, anger at thee or at what thou hast done, be mindful that, if worst comes to worst, thou hast but to recall that this person, this event, is but a part of thy life, not the whole of it-a part with which thou mayest have to deal but, when the dealing's done, canst lock out from thy life."

"What if you can't?" Rod exploded. "What if you're tied to them? What if you have to deal with them continually, every day? What if you love them?"

Simon sat, grave and attentive. He nodded. "Aye. 'Tis far more easy to hold thy temper with one whom thou dost see for but an hour or two each day, for thou canst go to thine home, shut the door behind thee, and forget them."

His face eased into a gentle smile. "Be mindful that these you love are people too, and deserving of as much respect and care as those with whom thou dost deal for but an hour or two each day. If thou dost not treat thy family well, pretend they're friends."

The thought gave Rod an icy chill. "But they're not!

They're inextricable parts of my life-parts of myself!"

"Nay!" Simon's eyes blazed, and his face was the coun- tenance of a stern patriarch. "Never must thou believe them so! For look you, no one else can be a part of thee; they 230 are themselves withal, and are apart from thee!"

Rod just stared, astounded by the intensity of Simon's emotion.

Simon shook his head slowly. "Never think that, simply because thou dost love a person, or she doth love thee, that she is no longer her self, a separate thing, apart."

"But... but... but that's the goal of marriage!" Rod sputtered. "For two to become one!"

"Tis a foul lie!" Simon retorted. '"Tis but an excuse for one to enslave another, then make her cease to be! Thy wife is, withal, one person, contained within her own skin, and is, and ought to be, one whole, of which all the parts are fused together, a being, separate, independent-one who loves thee, yet who is apart." Suddenly, he smiled, and his warmth was back. "For look you, an she were not a separate person, thou wouldst have none to love thee."

"But... but, the word marriage! Isn't that what it means- two people, being welded together into a single unit?"

Simon shook his head impatiently. "That may be what the word doth mean. Yet be not deceived; two cannot be- come one. 'Tis not possible. I confess it hath a pretty sound- but doth its beauty suffice to make it right?"

Rod stared at Simon, astounded by the older man's words.

"What of thee?" Simon demanded. "Would it be right for one to attempt to make thee someone other than thou art?"

"No! I'm me, d.a.m.n it! If anybody tried to make me somebody else, he'd eliminate me!"

"Then 'tis wrong for thee to attempt to make another become part of thee!" Simon stabbed at him with a fore- finger.

Rod frowned, thinking it over.

"An two folk do wed," Simon said softly, "they should take pleasure in one another's company-not essay to be- come one another." He smiled again, gently. "For how canst thou become a part of someone else, save by erasing either themselves, or thee?"

Rod lifted his head, then slowly nodded. "I see your point. And as it is with my family, so it is with Lord Kem, isn't it? He keeps trying to become Lord Gallowgla.s.s-and if he did. Rod Gallowgla.s.s would cease to exist."

231.

"Ah, then!" Simon's eyes lit. "Dost thou, then, mislike this notion of thyself and Lord Kem merging together, fus- ing, growing, into something larger and greater?"

"I'd kill the man who tried to wipe me out that way!"

Rod leaped to his feet in anger. "That's not making me bigger and better-that's stealing my soul!"

Simon only smiled into Rod's wrath, letting its force pa.s.s him by, untouched. "Yet if the thought so repels thee with this Lord Kern-who, thou hast told me, is thine other self-how can it be right if the 'other half is thy wife?"

Rod stared, poleaxed, his anger evaporated.

"Is it thy wife, or thy bairns-or the fear of ceasing to be?"

Rod dropped down to sit crosslegged again, leaning for- ward intently. "Then why do I only get angry when they oppose me? Why don't I get angry when they agree with me?"

"For that, when they oppose thee, there is danger of thy self being digested; but when they agree with thee, 'tis they who may be merged into thee."

Rod mulled that over. "So it's a threat. I get angry when there's a threat."

"Certes," Simon said, surprised. "What else is anger's purpose?"

"Yes-self-preservation," Rod said slowly. "It's the im- pulse to fight-to get rid of a threat." His mouth quirked into a sudden smile, and his shoulders shook with a silent, internal laugh. "My lord! Me threatened, by my three-year- old son?"

"Art thou not?" Simon said softly.

Rob sobered. "It's ridiculous. He couldn't possibly hurt me."

"Oh, he can," Simon breathed, "in thy heart, in thy soul-most shrewdly."

Rod studied his face. Then he said, "But he's so little, so vulnerable!" Then he scowled. "But, d.a.m.n it, it is hard to remember that when he's coming up with one of those insights that make me feel stupid!"

Simon nodded, commiserating. "Thou must, therefore, be ever mindful, and tell thyself again: 'He doth not lessen me.' For that is what we truly fear, is it not? That our selves 232 will be diminished, and, if 'tis diminished too much, 'twill cease to exist. Is that not what we resist, what anger guards against?"

"But it's so a.s.sinine," Rod breathed, "to think that such a small one could hurt big me!"

"Aye-and therefore must thou bring it to mind anew, whenever thou dost feel the slightest ghost of anger." Simon sat back, smiling. "And as 'tis with thy baims, so 'tis with Lord Kem."

Rod just sat, spellbound, then, slowly, he nodded. "So that's the key to holding my temper? Just remembering that I'm myself?"

"And that Lord Kern is not Rod Gallowgla.s.s. Just so."

Simon closed his eyes and nodded. "Yet 'tis not so easily done. Lord Warlock. To be mindful of thyself, thou must needs accept thyself-and to do that, one must be content with his self. Thou must needs come to believe that Rod Gallowgla.s.s is a good thing to be."

"Well, I think I can do that," Rod said slowly, "Especially since I've always felt Rod Gallowgla.s.s is an even better thing to be, when he's with his wife Gwen."

"Thy wife?" Simon frowned. "That hath a ring of great wrongness to it. Nay, Lord Warlock-an thou dost rely on another person for thy sense of worth, thou dost not truly believe that thou hast any. Thou shouldst enjoy her company because she is herself, and is pleasing to thee, is agreeable company-not because she is a part of thee, nor because the two of thee together make thy self a worthwhile thing to be."

Rod frowned. "I suppose that makes sense, in its way.

If I depend on Gwen for my own sense of worth, then, whenever she finds me less than perfect, or finds anything at all wrong with me, I'll believe I'm not worth anything."

Simon nodded, his eyes glittering, encouraging.

"And that would feel to me, as though she were trying to destroy me, make me less than I am-which'll make me angry, because I'll feel that I need to fight back, for my own survival."

Simon still nodded. "'Tis even as it happed to me-'til I realized why, with my wife and myself, each quarrel was 233.

worse than the last-for, of course, she felt even as I did- that she must needs attack me, to survive." He shook his head, like a cautioning schoolteacher. '"Tis wrong of thee, to make her the custodian of thy value. That is thine own burden, and thou must needs accept it."

Rod nodded. "Learn to like being inside my own skin, eh?"

"Aye." Simon smiled, amused. "And do not seek to so burden thine horse, either."

"Yeah-Fess." That jolted Rod back to the issue. "He was the symbol that pulled me back to my own ident.i.ty.

Does that mean I'm closer to my horse, than to my wife?"

"I think not." Simon throttled a chuckle. "For when all's said and done, a horse is a thing, not a person. It may have a temperament all its own, and some quirks and snags of mood, just as a person hath; and each horse may be as unique and separate as each human is from another-yet when all's said and done, it hath not an immortal soul, and cannot therefore challenge thee in any way that will truly make thee feel any less. It cannot lessen thy sense of self, any more than a shoe or a shovel can."

Rod nodded slowly. That made sense-more than Simon knew; for Fess wasn't a living horse, but a computer in a body full of servo-mechanisms. Sure, the computer pro- jected a personality by its vocodered voice-but that per- sonality was only an illusion, a carefully-crafted artifact, albeit an intangible one. Fess was, really, only a metal machine, and his ident.i.ty was as much an illusion as his ability to think. "My horse is like a sword, in a way," he said thoughtfully.

Simon laughed softly. "In truth, he doth seem to be some- what more than a shoe or a shovel."

"No, I was thinking of mystique. For a knight, his sword was the symbol of his courage, his prowess-and his honor.

Each sword was a separate, unique, individual thing, to the medieval mind, and its owner invested it with a full-fledged persona. He even gave it a name. Sometimes, in the legends, it even had a will of its own. You couldn't think of a famous sword, without thinking of the knight who owned it. Ex- calibur evoked the image of King Arthur, Durandal evoked r 234 pictures of Roland, Gram brought to mind Siegried slaying Fafnir. The sword was the symbol of the knight who bore it."

"As thine horse is the symbol of thee?"

Rod frowned. "That doesn't quite feel right, somehow- but it's close. Metaphorically, I suppose Fess is my sword."

"Then use him." Simon's eyes glowed. "Draw thy blade, and go to slay the monster who enslaves us."

Rod sat still a moment, feeling within him for fear- and, yes, it was there; but so was the courage to answer it.

But courage wouldn't do much good, really; in this case, it'd just let him go ahead into a situation that was too dangerous for him to survive. How about confidence, though?

Could he summon Lord Kem, let himself fill with anger, and not be mastered by it? He thought of Fess, and all the qualities in himself that Fess represented, and felt calm certainty rising in response to the mental image. He nodded.

"I'm up to it. But if I start to fall in, pull me out, will you?"

"Gladly," Simon answered, with a full, warm smile.

"Then hold on." Rod stood, grasped Simon's shoulder, and thought of Alfar, of his arrogance, his insolence, and the threat he represented to Rod and his children. Hot anger surged in answer, anger building toward rage. Rod felt Lord Kern's familiar wrath-but he was aware of it, now, as something that was a part of him, truly, not implanted from someone else-and, being of himself, it was as much under his control as his fingers, or his tongue. He opened his mind, concentrating on the world of thought. The world of sight dimmed, and his blood began to pound in his ears.

Only the thoughts were real-the darting, scheming thoughts of the warlocks and witches; the dulled, mechanical plod- ding thoughts of the soldiers and servants-and the cease- less background drone that had to be the projective telepath, who had hypnotized a whole duchy. What else could it be, that emitted such a constant paen of praise, such a continual pushing of thought against mind?

Whatever it was. Rod was suddenly certain that it was the key to all the pride and ambition that was Alfar's con- quest. He scanned the castle till he found the direction in which it was strongest, then willed himself to it.

15.

It was a small room, a round room, a room of gray stone blocks with three tall, skinny windows. But those windows were sealed with some clear substance, and the air of the chamber was unnaturally cool-climate-controlled. Every alarm bell in Rod's head screamed. He glanced at Simon.