War Rhymes by Wayfarer Part 16

FRITZ ON THE ENGLISH

Ven I fights mit dose Englishmans yet, Dere vas tings vy I nefer can't see, Und, dis time I'm certain, you bet!

Either dey must pe crazy or me.

Dey vill bay von beeg price for a king, But as soon as he put on his crown, Und vould try to pe doing some ting, Dey say,--"Go avay pack und sit down."

Ven dey get all dose blace in de sun, Und de blaces vere grows de beeg trees, Ven already de hard vork is done, Den John Bull say,--"Shoost go as you blease."

If in Dublin a feller rebels, Britty soon on a rope he vill shwing, But go free, so mine newsbaper tells, If in Ulster he do de same ting.

Johnnie Bull prings his pread und his meat From de ends of de vorld far avay, Vile de lands vere he ought to grow veat, Dem's de blaces de pheasants will shtay, Ven he say dat he nefer vill fight, But vill shtick mit his vork und his blay Dat vas lies he vas telling all right, For he fight like de teufel to-day.

Und dose beeples dat nefer had vorked, All dose soft-handed ladies und shwells, Und de fellers dat always had shirked, Haf got busy now making de sh.e.l.ls.

If ve're brisoners, vounded or sick, Shoost so soon ve fall into deir hand, Den dey doctor und feed us oop shlick; Dese are tings dat I can't understand.

WHEN WILL IT END

November, 1916

Von Krink tells Fritz when the War will end.

Ven you tinks dis beeg var vill get done?

(Dat's de ting you hear efryone say.) Britty soon vill dey lay down de gun, So I home mit Katrina can shtay?

Vell, I tells you mine friends, vot I tink, Dat de Kaiser don't know, nor de Czar, So I shpeak mit dat feller, Von Krink, Shoost how soon ve can settle dis var.

"Ve vill not shtop de fight," said Von Krink "Till de Kaiser climbs down from his throne All dot Wilhelmstra.s.se bunch, I don't tink, Haf deir backs mitout moss ofergrown.

Ve vill take back de Heligoland, Und dose Krupp vorks to bieces vill shmash, Ve vill shpoil all dose profits so grand, Und Miss Bertha can cook her own hash."

"Und dose blaces vay out in de sun, Vere de Kaiser such goot money shpends, John Bull vill shoost tink it fine fun To divide dem around mit his friends, Ve vill take all de Kaiser's beeg ships, Ve vill make free de Kiel ca.n.a.l Und de Shermans must pa.s.s oudt de chips Ven dey lose de beeg jack-pot next fall.

"Den berhaps if dey're getting too gay, Ve vill bang dem a couple of times; Dat already might be de best way, For to settle dose submarine crimes.

Ven ve get all dose leetle ch.o.r.es done, Und some more ve can't tink about yet, Ve vill hang up de sword und de gun.

But not von minute sooner, you bet!"

THE KAISER AGAIN CONSULTS FRITZ

Mine dear Fritz,--Your advice ven I take, Und I try dot goot beace talk to shtart, Den dose fellers all call it a fake, For dey say it don't come from mine heart; Vat's de ting to do next, I don't know, Mit dose bull-headed English und French, Dey shoost tink dey're de whole of de show Since they pounded us oudt of some trench.

Dey are licking us now britty fast, Like I nefer could tink dey vill do, Mit beeg guns dey now haf us out-cla.s.sed, Und mit airships und teufel tanks too.

Ve must all de hard hammering take For dose Bulgars und Turks vas no goot, Seems like now von beeg blunder ve make Und de game ve haf not undershtoodt.

Ven ve tink ve vill get some more oil, Und de oats, und potatoes, and meat, All dose tings de Roumanians shpoil Shoost so soon as ve make dem redreat; Und mine shlack brudder, Tino of Greece, He gets batted all ofer der ground, Ven he shtrikes he goes oudt on first base, Und makes nefer de run all around.

Britty soon, Fritz, ve someting must do, Or already ve all vill be killed, For dose English haf put on de screw Und our stomachs are nefer half filled.

Vat you tink of dis plan, mine dear Fritz, In mine head dat already I get, Dat I take back again Von Tirpitz, Und Herr Teufel in partnership yet?

FRITZ WARNS THE KAISER

Mine dear Kaiser,--Dose tings vas a fake, Ven you shtart oop dat untersea show Und already a pardnership make Mit Von Tirpitz, Von Teufel and Co.

Ven de try dis same game vonce pefore, Soon ve lose all dose subs dat ve had, Und dis time ve vill lose dem some more, For now even dose Yanks haf got mad.

Some advice I vould give to you yet, (It vill shoost take a minute or two,) Call dose subs all in oudt of de vet, Dat's already de best ting to do.

You may tink dat old Fritz is a fool, Und haf maype some axes to grind, But dose tings dat he learned oudt of school, Dey vill pring de improvement of mind.

Since dat day I vas brisoner took, Und I hafn't got notting to do, Den I read all dose bapers und book, Und write maybe a letter or two, Dere's some tings I already find oudt Dat de Faderland bapers von't tell, How dose English, like leetle Hans Shtout, Haf de p.u.s.s.y cat pulled from de vell.

All dose English must half deir own vay, Und so soon as deir foes dey vill shmash, Like Napoleon dey ship dem avay Or like Thebaw or Arabi Pash; So I tells you, mine Kaiser, bevare, Or you gets yourself soon in a fix, Saint Helena's old rock is still dere For de feller dat loses de tricks.

FRITZ GOES FARMING

May, 1918

Mine Katrina,--So long since I write, You vill tink I am dead maybe yet; If I never come back from dis fight, Den some udder old feller you get.

Vell I tells you de reason, mine frau, Vy already mine letters vill shtop, Ven John Bull soon finds oudt I can plow Den he vant me to put in de crop.

In de vorld if dere's not enough veat, For to make all de beeples some pread, Den de poor vill get notting to eat, Und dey all vill go britty soon dead, So John Bull some potatoes vill sow, Vere dose rabbits und pheasants haf stayed, Und de veat, oats und barley vill grow Vere de tennis und cricket vas blayed.

To pe oudt on de land it seems good, Vere dose onions and cabbages grow, Vere de pigs fall ashleep in de mud Und de ducks in de vater vill go; But I vork so hard now efry day, Und I gets so beeg tired py night, To dose friends dat I luf far avay Den I hafn't no courage to write.

I shoost vork, und I shleep, und I eat, So I hafn't much news for to send; You vould hear of de Sherman redreat, Vell I hopes dis beeg var vill soon end.

All mine troubles I hardly can't bear, How is tings in de Faderland now?

If ve lose yet, or vin, I don't care, So I only get back to mine frau.

Yours ever.

Fritz.