Waiting. Part 14

"To my office."

"All right, come back early." She turned to Manna and asked, "Have you reported him to the Security Section?"

"No. I don't know what to do."

"Where's Geng Yang now?"

"He left for his home yesterday morning. Should I report it?"

"Let me think." Haiyan frowned, a slanting wrinkle on either side of her nose.

"I'm afraid n.o.body will believe me," Manna added, and wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

"Manna, I think it may be too late now. It will be very hard to prove that you didn't have a date with him unless Geng Yang admits the crime himself. You know a date rape is rarely treated as a rape."

"Oh, what should I do?" She began sobbing. "So it was all my fault, wasn't it?"

"My dear, I'm not blaming you." Haiyan put her arm around Manna and said, "Come, don't treat yourself like you were in the wrong. This has happened to a lot of women. In fact, my elder sister was raped by a friend of hers some years ago, and she couldn't do anything about it. Some men are animals in human clothes."

"So I should keep quiet about this?"

"What else can you do?"

After a pause, Manna asked, "Do you think I should tell Lin?"

"Not right now. But you should tell him sometime in the future. He loves you and he'll understand. My sister told her husband about the rape. For a few months it was hard for him to accept it. You know, most men a.s.sume their brides are virgins. I'm sure Lin is different. He's a kind man, and married. Besides, you two have been together for so many years. He'll understand."

The advice sounded sensible to Manna. Before leaving, she asked her friend not to divulge the rape to anyone.

"Of course I won't breathe a word," Haiyan promised.

Manna was terribly depressed during the following days. Sometimes her face still felt clammy, smarting from Geng Yang's foul saliva. At night she prayed to the Lord of Heaven that she would have her next period on time in mid-December. What if I'm pregnant? she kept asking herself. For sure that will cause a scandal. What would I do then? Have an abortion? No, that's impossible. There has to be a male partner who signs all the papers for you, or else no hospital would perform the operation. But by signing the papers, the man would have to take the punishment and all the responsibilities. Who would do that? Even Lin might not be willing to help me that way.

Lin wouldn't be back for two months. What should she do if she was pregnant? This question almost drove her out of her mind. There was no way out. She decided that if she was pregnant, she would kill herself. In her office a line of stout, amber bottles sat inside the medicine cabinet, two of which contained soporific drugs. She began to pilfer five tablets from each bottle every day.

The night school had already started three days ago, but she was too distracted to go to the cla.s.s. She sold the English dictionary to Yuying Du, a pharmacist who was also an old maid, and she told others that she had severe menstrual pains and had to rest in the evening.

A week later she received a letter from Lin, who told her that he was well in Shenyang and asked how she was getting along. She didn't write back immediately, still waiting for her period, which was already several days late.

At long last, on December 23, she began to feel the usual swelling in her b.r.e.a.s.t.s and the cramps in her abdomen. The next evening came the belated menstrual flow, which scared her-the period was so heavy she felt that some blood vessels might have broken in her. That b.a.s.t.a.r.d Geng Yang must have done her an internal injury.

11.

Lin returned six weeks later, just before the February Spring Festival. He was surprised to find that Manna had aged so much. Her eyes had dimmed with a depth of sadness, and her lips were bloodless; the skin on her face, which looked grief-stricken most of the time, had become slack and dry, and two vertical creases grooved her forehead. Sometimes by the end of the day her hair was unkempt, but she didn't seem to care. She was often absentminded when he was talking with her, as though she took no interest in what he said. In her voice there were some edgy inflections he hadn't noticed before. Even her breathing seemed difficult, often dilating her nostrils. She reminded him of a pregnant woman tormented by morning sickness, miserable and about to break into tears.

Something must have happened to her during his absence. What was it? He asked her many times, but she would a.s.sure him that nothing was wrong and that she felt fine. In secret she had been taking a few kinds of herbal boluses, which she hoped would strengthen her body, nourish her yin, and help her recover.

Throughout the Spring Festival she eluded Lin, saying she was too exhausted to walk and wanted to be alone. A few times she shouted at night, startling her roommates, who jumped out of their beds and thought there was an emergency muster. She slept more now. During the holiday period she remained in bed more than fourteen hours a day.

However, two weeks after the festival she told Lin the truth. They were standing near a concrete electrical pole as she spoke to him. Overhead the power lines were swaying in the wind with a fierce whistle. Her words widened his eyes, riveted on her face. His chin kept shaking, his lips were quivering, and his complexion was dead pale. Beads of sweat appeared on his nose.

After she finished the story, he said between his teeth, "Beast! Such a beast!" His face was contorted, his left cheek twitching.

She wanted to say, "Remember, he was a friend of yours," but she repressed the impulse.

Strangely enough, Lin turned speechless as if lost in thought. His hands were twisting a pamphlet, a doc.u.ment he was supposed to read.

"Lin, I shouldn't have gone to his room. Can you forgive me?" she managed to ask. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other while her lace-up boots went on knocking each other to prevent her feet from freezing.

He didn't answer, as though he had not heard her question; his eyebrows furrowed. She thrust her hands into her jacket pockets and said again, "Lin, don't be too upset. It's all over and I'm on the mend now. The herbal pills really help."

A crosswind veered and threw up a few coils of coal dust, which were winding away into the snow-covered s.p.a.ce between the smokestack and the bathhouse. A swarm of sparrows drifted past like a floating net and then disappeared in the leafless branches of a willow. An air gun cracked from the other side of the boiler house, and a flock of pigeons blasted into the air, scattering puffs of snow. They were the old boiler man's pet birds.

Still, Lin didn't say a word and looked more pensive. Anger was surging in Manna as she remembered that Lin had revealed to Geng Yang that she had been a virgin. She said almost in a yell, "So you think I'm a cheap woman now because I lost my virginity? Come on, speak. Tell me what's on your mind. Don't torture me like this. Remember, it was you who told him I was a virgin. You're a part of this too."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. If only I had known him better. I should've taken precautions after he said a heart was just a chunk of flesh." He touched his forehead with his palm and turned silent again.

She knew what he referred to, expecting him to say more, but again he fell wordless. His reticence unnerved her, because she felt he might have been incredulous. She was frightened by this thought. What if your own man doesn't believe you? she asked herself. What if he too thinks you are a s.l.u.t? Her jaw began shivering as she was suddenly gripped by a desire to weep. But she restrained herself.

At last he seemed to recognize the resentment and suffering in her eyes. He said, "I was so dazed that I lost my presence of mind. Are you sure you're okay now?"

"Yes." Tears came to her eyes.

He wanted to hold her in his arms and comfort her, but they were in the presence of seven or eight soldiers, who were whistling deliberately while shoveling snow on the sidewalk thirty yards away. Remaining where he was, Lin managed to say, "I'm afraid you may need medical help. You look very ill, Manna."

"Where can I get that? I have to take care of myself."

"We should be able to figure out a way. Let me think about it. Can we talk it over this evening?"

"Sure, but don't worry about me. I'm really fine now."

He signaled with his eyes and hand that they should not stay within others' sight too long. They turned and went into the office building together.

For the rest of the afternoon, whenever free, Lin thought about the rape. The more he thought, the angrier he grew with himself. He realized that Geng Yang had taken advantage of his inability to develop his relationship with Manna. If he had married her, or if they had been engaged, that devil wouldn't have known so much about her or been given the opportunity to perpetrate the crime. Obviously his indecisiveness had opened the door to the wolf. Manna was right that he was responsible for the rape too, at least partially. How he hated himself! He was a man incapable of protecting his woman and irresolute in taking action. "Such a wimp!" he cursed himself in an undertone and clutched at his hair.

"What did you say?" asked the young doctor who shared the office with him.

"Oh, nothing."

For some reason Lin felt the case was not over yet. He worried about Manna's health, not only her physical condition but also her emotional state. But what should he do? He dared not even arrange a checkup for her, which would undoubtedly reveal the rape to the rest of the world. Even though he himself was a doctor, all he could do was get some antiphlogistic for Manna. He was unsure what kind of medical treatment a rape victim needed, because the textbooks he had studied in medical school had not touched on this topic. Somehow the more upset he felt about the situation, the more he resented Haiyan's role in covering up the rape without offering Manna any other help.

He and Manna had a talk in his office after dinner. He said to her, "I think we should tell Ran Su what happened."

"Why? You're crazy. That's equal to broadcasting the secret."

"I'm afraid we'd better let the leaders know before it's too late, or there will be more troubles waiting for us."

"What do you mean, Lin?"

"If they know of the case, at least you can officially get medical or psychological help when you need it. For us, this is more important than anything else."

"I'm really well and have no need for any treatment."

"Please listen to me just once!"

"No, we can't do that. Let me tell you why: if people know of the rape, I'll become cheaper in everyone's eyes, and I'll belong to a different category, lower than a widow."

Lin sighed, but he didn't give up. He continued, "There's another reason that I believe we should let Ran Su know."

"What's that?"

"You told Haiyan Niu everything. She's not that reliable. We should take measures against a leak now."

"She promised me she wouldn't tell anybody."

"I dare not trust her."

"Why?"

"I can't say exactly; just by instinct I know we dare not count on her promise. You've put too much in her hands. If this gets out, you'll have a personal catastrophe. People can kill you with their tongues. It will be better to report it to Ran Su now."

She began weeping, her face buried in her arms on the edge of his desk. Softening, he said, "Don't cry, dear. If you don't want to let others know, I won't tell anybody."

"I want to keep it secret."

"All right, but you should talk to Haiyan and remind her of her promise."

"I'll do that tomorrow."

After their talk, Lin became more considerate to Manna. He bought her fruits-oranges, frozen pears, sugar-coated hawthorns, and dried persimmons. From a medicinal herb store he bought a small fork of deer antler, which cost him fifty-two yuan, over forty percent of his monthly salary. Though Manna couldn't use the antler, because it would generate too much yang in her body, it pleased her. She was grateful, and her heart began absorbing warmth again. At last she felt she could leave the rape behind; she was on her way to recovery.

12.

One morning in April, Manna ran into Ran Su at the entrance to the lab building. Although he greeted her kindly, his heavy-lidded eyes were observing her oddly, as if sizing her up. She turned to face him, and his eyes slipped away. Then he turned his head back and gave a smile, which was so forced that it resembled a grimace.

Suddenly it flashed through her mind that Ran Su must have found out about the rape. A flush rose on her face as a pang seized her heart and rendered her speechless. She was sure of her conjecture and later told Lin about it. He said she might be wrong, though he was agitated too. He swore he had never revealed the secret to anyone.

She guessed right. The next afternoon, as she and Lin were going to the hot-water house, each holding a thermos bottle, they saw Mrs. Su coming from the opposite direction. Pa.s.sing them, the skinny little woman spat to the ground and said out loud, "Self-delivery." She wore black clothes and a mink hat, and one of her eyes was swollen. Both Manna and Lin, despite being shocked, pretended they had heard nothing. When the woman was out of earshot, Manna began cursing Ran Su. But Lin was certain that it wasn't Ran Su who had told his wife about the rape, because Mrs. Su was deranged and unreliable and her husband seldom talked to her. It must have been those officers' wives, who always enjoyed gossiping, that had spread the word.

From then on, whenever the little woman saw Manna she would call her "Self-delivery" or shout, "Poked by a man!" The curses often made Manna feel as though she had lost a limb or a vital organ and become handicapped. How she regretted having divulged the secret to Haiyan. She hated the telltale's bone marrow. If only she had listened to Lin and reported the rape to Ran Su two months ago.

Lin was deeply disappointed by the leak and felt ashamed as well, because sometimes the little woman would call him "a green-hatted cuckold" in front of others. Ran Su was a friend of his, but there was no way Lin could ask him to dissuade his wife from calling Manna and himself names. Mrs. Su had suffered from dementia since the Sus lost their only child the summer before. The boy had drowned in the Songhua River one afternoon when he went to the bank with his pals to net tiny water insects for his goldfish. It was rumored that Ran Su had to give his wife all the money left in his wallet every night; otherwise she would curse his ancestors without stopping, or smash dishes and bowls, or wail like a child, or turn on him with a steel poker. As a result, he always kept banknotes inside the plastic cover of a diary. Because he was so good-tempered and had never thought of sending his demented wife to a mental asylum, Ran Su had gained a lot of respect and sympathy in the hospital. People said he deserved his recent promotion. He was the vice-commissar of the hospital now.

Naturally Manna was furious with Haiyan and would not speak to her. She didn't go and see her baby, a nine-pound boy, when she heard of the birth. Haiyan, after her maternity leave was over, tried to explain to Manna how the secret had come out. But whenever Haiyan got close to her, Manna would move away and would not listen to the tattletale. Having no way to approach her, Haiyan went to Lin one afternoon and made him listen to her story.

"I never meant to tell on Manna," she said, sitting before Lin in his office. "You know, a couple in bed will chat about anything, especially when you are bored. I told Honggan not to breathe a word about Manna to anyone. He promised he wouldn't, but on Spring Festival Eve he got drunk with his buddies and spilled it out. I went to their homes and tried to stop them from spreading the word, but it got out of hand. Lin, I never meant to hurt Manna. She's been my best friend for many years, why should I sell her out? What could I gain from doing that? Oh, this makes me feel like h.e.l.l." She looked tearful.

"I understand," he said damply.

"You know how I hate that a.s.s of a husband. I almost cracked his skull with a broomstick when I found out what he had done to Manna. If you don't believe me, go ask him."

"I believe you, but it's too late."

"Oh, how can I make it up to Manna?"

"I don't see there's a way now."

"Can you tell her I am very, very sorry?"

"I can do that."

He smelled a soapy odor exuding from Haiyan. After she left, he wondered if she had just washed diapers before coming to his office.

Though he pa.s.sed Haiyan's explanation and apology on to Manna, Manna was inconsolable and unforgiving. And she had her reason for being so. After the rape became known to everyone, people at the hospital began to treat Lin and her like husband and wife. Their food coupons and salaries sometimes arrived at his desk together at the end of a month; without second thoughts the soldier in charge of mail would leave with Manna letters for Lin; by accident, a clerk once sent them a booklet on family planning, which should have gone to married couples only. Some new nurses would mention Dr. Kong to Manna as if he were her husband, though they would feel embarra.s.sed later when she told them that she was unmarried. All these occurrences hurt her, but she had grown timid now, not daring to fight back or quarrel with others as often as before. She was afraid that anybody might shame her just by referring to the rape.

At last it was clear that she had no choice but to wait for Lin wholeheartedly, as though the two of them had been predestined to be inseparable.

Thus continued their long "courtship," which gradually became steady and uneventful during the following years. Summer after summer, Lin and Shuyu went to the divorce court in Wujia Town and returned home as man and wife. Year after year, he and Manna hoped that the requirement of eighteen years' separation before he could end his marriage would be revised or revoked, but the rule remained intact. Ran Su, after Lin had bought him a used copy of Around the World in Eighty Days, Around the World in Eighty Days, a rare book at the time, proposed to the Party Committee to have the rule loosened a little, but the majority of the leaders were opposed to the idea, uncertain about the repercussions. As time slipped by, people grew oblivious to the origin of the rule, as though it were a sacred decree whose authenticity no one would dare question. Year after year, more gray hair appeared on Lin's and Manna's heads; their bodies grew thicker and their limbs heavier; more little wrinkles marked their faces. But Shuyu remained almost the same, no longer looking like an old aunt of Lin's but more like an elder sister. a rare book at the time, proposed to the Party Committee to have the rule loosened a little, but the majority of the leaders were opposed to the idea, uncertain about the repercussions. As time slipped by, people grew oblivious to the origin of the rule, as though it were a sacred decree whose authenticity no one would dare question. Year after year, more gray hair appeared on Lin's and Manna's heads; their bodies grew thicker and their limbs heavier; more little wrinkles marked their faces. But Shuyu remained almost the same, no longer looking like an old aunt of Lin's but more like an elder sister.

During these years, most of Lin's and Manna's colleagues were promoted to higher positions or left the army, but the two of them remained in the same offices doing the same work, although they got raises. Ran Su, after another promotion, became the commissar of the hospital in 1980. Lin heard that his cousin Liang Meng had married a model worker, a nationally known operator who had memorized over eleven thousand telephone numbers. In 1981 Commissar Wei died in prison, where he had been incarcerated for his connections with the Gang of Four.

Finally, in 1984, Lin asked Shuyu to come to the hospital. This time he would take her to People's Court in Muji City. After eighteen years' separation, he was going to divorce her, with or without her consent.

PART 3.

1.

Bensheng accompanied his sister Shuyu to the army hospital in July 1984, but he stayed only a day, having to return home to attend to his business. The year before, the commune had been disbanded and he had opened a small grocery in a neighboring village, mainly selling candies, liquor, cigarettes, soy sauce, vinegar, and spiced pumpkin seeds. During his absence, Hua was taking care of the store, but he couldn't set his mind at rest and was unwilling to be away for long. Hua hadn't pa.s.sed the entrance exams the previous summer, and fortunately she could work for her uncle instead of going to the fields.