Verse and Worse Part 6

I've got Appendicitis In my Appendicit, But I don't mind, Because I find I'm quite 'cut out' for it.

_No. 2. (Whooping-cough)_

If only I had Whooping-cough!

I'd join a Circus troupe!

And folks would clamour at the door, And pay a shilling--even more, To see me 'Whoop The Whoop.'

_No. 3. (Measles)_

Of illnesses like chickenpox And measles I've had lots; I do not like them much, you know, They are not really nice, altho'

They're rather nice in spots.

_No. 4. (Adenoids)_

A c.o.c.kney maid produced such snores, Folks left the City to avoid them; And all becos, She said, it was Her adenoids that 'ad annoyed them!

_No. 5. (Croup)_

I had the Croup, in years gone by, And that is why to-day, Altho' no longer youthful, I Am still a Croupier.

RUTHLESS RHYMES

I

MOTHER-WIT

When wilful little Willie Black Threw all the tea-things at his mother, She murmured, as she hurled them back, 'One good Tea-urn deserves another!'

II

UNCLE JOE

Poor Uncle Joe has gone, you know, To rest beyond the stars.

I miss him, oh! I miss him so,-- He had _such_ good cigars.

III

AUNT ELIZA

In the drinking-well (Which the plumber built her) Aunt Eliza fell,---- We must buy a filter.

IV

ABSENT-MINDEDNESS

Absent-minded Edward Brown Drove his lady into town; Suddenly the horse fell down!

Mrs. Ned (Newly wed) Threw a fit and lay for dead.

Edward, lacking in resource, Chafed the fetlocks of his horse, Sitting with unpleasant force (Just like lead) On the head Of the prostrate Mrs. Ned.

She demanded a divorce, Jealous of the favoured horse.

Edward had it shot, of course.

Years have sped; She and Ned Drive a motor now instead.

V

JOHN

John, across the broad Atlantic, Tried to navigate a barque, But he met an unromantic And extremely hungry shark.

John (I blame his childhood's teachers) Thought to treat this as a lark, Ignorant of how these creatures Do delight to bite a barque.

Said, 'This animal's a bore!' and, With a scornful sort of grin, Handled an adjacent oar and Chucked it underneath the chin.

At this unexpected juncture, Which he had not reckoned on, Mr. Shark he made a puncture In the barque--and then in John.

Sad am I, and sore at thinking John had on some clothes of mine; I can almost see them shrinking, Washed repeatedly in brine.

I shall never cease regretting That I lent my hat to him, For I fear a thorough wetting Cannot well improve the brim.

Oh! to know a shark is browsing, Boldly, blandly, on my boots!

Coldly, cruelly carousing On the choicest of my suits!

Creatures I regard with loathing, Who can calmly take their fill Of one's Jaeger underclothing:-- Down, my aching heart, be still!

VI

BABY

Baby roused its father's ire, By a cold and formal lisp; So he placed it on the fire, And reduced it to a crisp.