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Something altered on Daegan's face, watching Gideon's. When he took a step forward, Gideon pulled out the nine-millimeter. It wouldn't stop a vampire, but it hurt enough to give him pause. He fired before he gave himself time to think.
Daegan was gone. Just long enough for Gideon to feel a moment of panic; then he felt him right behind him. No more than an inch between their two bodies. His long-fingered hand came forward, sliding down Gideon's forearm, teasing the wrist gauntlet under his coat sleeve, closing over his knuckles, white and hard, holding on to the gun. The motion put them even closer together, because they were of similar heights, though Daegan had slightly longer arms, something Gideon noticed for the first time.
What other things would he notice if he had time, all the time in the world?
"I ought to beat the s.h.i.t out of you," Daegan murmured. "Drop it now."
"Make me."
"No. Too easy. You drop it, because I told you to do it. Do it, Gideon."
His hand began to tremble, and that cramping in his belly turned into something else, no more controllable. Daegan waited, a still, deadly presence at his back, dangerous for so many reasons, at so many levels.
Slowly, Gideon lowered the gun to his side. Daegan's fingers loosened it, took it away, put it on the ledge behind them. "I'm hungry, Gideon."
Everything inside him stilled. He wanted to cry; he wanted to scream and rage. He wanted the soft touch of Anwyn's hand, her rea.s.suring smile, but this was between them. It had to be between them, because that was part of what she'd known, right? In some cloudy part of his mind, he understood it. He didn't want Anwyn's hand alone. He wanted Anwyn's touch with Daegan's. In this still, abandoned place that was ugly with the things that lost men did-graffiti, the stale smell of urine and vomit, garbage they'd left behind when they found a night's uneasy rest here-he faced it. It was a fitting place for Daegan to find him.
Even more slowly, Gideon shrugged out of his jacket, let it fall between them. Closing his eyes, he tilted his head down, his chin tucked toward his shoulder, baring the artery. He could hear it beating in his ears.
"Tell me, Gideon."
"Do it. I'm . . ." He couldn't continue, could only shake his head. "Do it," he repeated. "Please."
Daegan set his fangs to his neck, his other hand sliding over Gideon's shoulder to collar the base of his throat. That alone made Gideon hard, his hands clenching with the need to touch. But he didn't. He held still, waited. They both knew a woman's desire, how to pleasure her slowly. Watching Anwyn grow aroused was a burning pleasure worth killing or dying for, worth taking the time. But men's pleasure worked differently. Fast or slow, it burned just as deep. A woman desired to be teased; a male desired to penetrate, to take. Conquer . . . or be conquered.
Still, it was unexpected when Daegan bit down, his fingers tightening, pelvis moving in against Gideon's a.s.s. Gideon strangled on a moan at how aroused the vampire was, and at how quickly more blood shot into his own c.o.c.k in response. The heel of Daegan's battle-toughened palm pressed against him, rubbing, slow and easy, but that was all it took. Whether it was the self-deprivation or how responsive he was as a third-mark, or some combination of both, Gideon came, shamefully as a teenager. He fell to one knee with the force of it, his hips jerking, but Daegan followed him down with graceful power, shielding him under his body, keeping up that slow ma.s.sage, milking him to the end as he drew Gideon's blood into his mouth, his tongue flicking the artery. His other hand still gripped Gideon's throat, making him think of Anwyn's collar. He imagined it, ribboned with some claim of Daegan's as well, holding him captive to their needs and wants through the next several centuries . . .
He bowed his head even lower, hunching over at the pain. A slight burn at his throat told him Daegan had given him something more. A mark.
"Just the first one," Daegan murmured as he slowly withdrew, making Gideon shudder with the painful and pleasurable sensation of those fangs pulling out. The vampire still had his hand on Gideon's c.o.c.k, continuing to caress and knead despite the completion of his o.r.g.a.s.m. It made it clear he was doing it for his own pleasure, not Gideon's, and he wouldn't be denied. The organ was sensitive, so Gideon jerked in his unrelenting embrace, but he didn't fight the mastery. "I'm tired of tracking your a.s.s when I need to find you," Daegan added.
"Lazy p.r.i.c.k," Gideon managed, his voice too strained. He couldn't stand it, now that the feeling was washing past him, leaving him behind, bereft, adrift. But Daegan's arm locked around his chest. He pulled Gideon down so he sat on his a.s.s on the dusty boards, his body braced between Daegan's powerful thighs as the vamp held that half-kneeling position.
"You went as far as you could go to get out of range of her mind, Gideon." His voice was that silky murmur against his ear. The longer hair brushed it, a caress. "You are unnecessarily cruel to yourself. If you had stayed closer, we could call to her now, and she could come into your mind, show you how she might be in your lap, kissing your mouth, rubbing her beautiful, soft a.s.s against your c.o.c.k, making it hard again. Teasing you with the give of her sweet b.r.e.a.s.t.s against your chest. Demanding you open your mouth to her, let her strip you down and ride you, possess you as she was meant to do. You are hers."
"She doesn't want me; you don't need me. She has you."
"Yes, she does have me," Daegan acknowledged, in an arrogant tone that made Gideon briefly consider stabbing him through his excellent-quality shoe. "But we don't have you. And we both want you. Need you."
Abruptly he yanked Gideon's head back, hard enough that tendons and bones groaned. When he covered Gideon's mouth, made him submit to the heated kiss, taste his own blood on Daegan's tongue, Gideon strangled on a half sob.
"I'm f.u.c.king broken," Gideon choked out in his embrace. "I'm lost, Daegan. I'm just lost."
He couldn't believe he was admitting it so baldly, like some little kid, sitting in this warehouse almost near tears, for Christ's sake. But he didn't know what else to do, and Daegan . . . Well, h.e.l.l, Daegan just brought this s.h.i.t out of him.
"No, you are not." Daegan's arm tightened around him. "She found you, Gideon. She found us both. You can heal. It is only you standing in the way of that."
Daegan slid his fingers down into Gideon's T-shirt, found the mark with unerring accuracy, tracing the three small scars. "Use your brain instead of your d.i.c.k. Think about what this means. I had to point it out to Anwyn as well. Daft humans."
He pressed his fang back against Gideon's throat, not breaking the skin this time, just letting him feel the enamel, the wet, hot promise of it again. "She needs you . . . and so do I. Come home when you're ready, but come home. And when you do, I'm going to make you pay for every tear she's shed for you."
He straightened abruptly, though his hand lingered along Gideon's nape long enough for Gideon to confirm he could sit up on his own. He realized that was why Daegan had done it, cosseting him. But before he could form words, Daegan shifted in front of him. Gideon stared at his shoes, the dark jeans. He wanted so badly to look at all of him, but he was here, on his a.s.s, and it would be like being on his knees . . . wanting to be on his knees.
"Thank you for the meal, vampire hunter."
Gideon dropped his forehead onto those knees, stared between his own shoes. Daegan was taking off. Of course. "Yeah, sure. Me and Mc-Donald's. Drive-thru open all night."
He was startled when those long fingers slid under his chin, jerking up his head, not so gently this time. "You're not doing this." Daegan nodded toward the window, where Allan was moving past. John had already gone by, Gideon's opportunity to save his life lost. "For one thing, you should have realized Allan Walker was a Ranger before he was a vampire. He would have killed you." Daegan held Gideon's gaze, wouldn't let him shift away, even though Gideon felt his cheeks begin to burn with the knowledge there. "Though obviously you know that."
The vampire's firm lips tightened, a flash in his eyes reminding Gideon of the seemingly long-ago time when Daegan had pinned him in the weapons room and f.u.c.ked him for the first time, a sensual and savage reproof for a death wish. "Regardless, you will not punish others in a failed attempt to reclaim a belief you no longer have. You're better than that, Gideon Green. Deal with it; accept who you have become. Understand what you are being offered and be courageous enough to accept it."
His tone softened slightly. "If you have the courage to do that, perhaps you can rely on Anwyn and me to help with the rest."
Then he was gone, with that Holy-Transporter-Beam speed that irritated Gideon mainly because it was so d.a.m.ned impressive. He thought about getting up. Getting his gun, if nothing else. Instead, he let himself fall back to the warehouse floor. He covered his face with his arms to hide from the truth he couldn't bear to face in himself, but that didn't stop his heart, neck and groin from throbbing, still stirred by the impressions Daegan had left on them.
22.
BLOCKING Gideon out of her mind was something Anwyn had integrated into her daily routine, her usual disciplines. When he'd been out of geographic range, she hadn't had to devote any energy to it, and maybe she should have been grateful he'd done that for the first month he'd been gone. Now, though, he was back in range. The first second she'd been aware of it, it had been an amazing relief, like when she was a little girl, staying beneath the water of the swimming pool as long as she possibly could, then surging up to savor the sweetness of oxygen.
Careless of who saw her, she'd raced back to their apartment with all the fledgling speed she had. Finding him not there had been a crushing blow. Realizing that all it meant was he was within a few hundred miles of her made her furious with herself, her weakness, so she'd made a new resolve. She would keep her mind blocked to him at all times, no matter how close he was. He could come find her if he wanted something, though of course he wouldn't. That was the whole problem.
Remarkably, despite her self-imposed boycott, just having the connection active again had diminished the power of the voices in her head and the severity of her seizure episodes. She should have been happy at the evidence that she might not need his immediate proximity to help with that, but she wanted that proximity too much.
Keeping that checkpoint between her mind and his, not allowing herself to set one toe over it because she knew she wouldn't be able to bear it if his mind was crying out for her, was every bit as difficult. As he got even closer, Kentucky, Tennessee, she immersed herself in the now-ongoing club renovations, but stressed herself out too much. Though Gideon's nearness might have helped the strength of the seizures and the volume of the voices, her frayed nerves could still increase the frequency with which she had to deal with them. She and Daegan had several near misses, where a seizure began when she was among staff personnel. After that, she forced herself to work in cautious increments, and kept her mind fully open and connected to Daegan when she was outside their rooms.
It was a limited existence, but he'd warned her it would be a long while before they had enough of a handle on it that she could trust herself to manage fluctuations in her stress and not have the convulsions. Brian was continuing to work on an improved injection, but that was in the future. He and Debra had stopped by for several days on a research trip to Texas. Daegan had left her for two days then, indicating he had to finish up a small bit of Council business. But other than that, he hadn't left her at all. She knew that couldn't go on forever.
Though they'd had more than one struggle of wills over it, Daegan encouraging her to mark James, she refusing, she knew she'd eventually have to choose a new third-mark servant and get a grip on the stress. If for no other reason than it wasn't fair to Daegan. He needed to have the freedom to resume whatever role he wished for the Council, though he pointed out that was an expectation she was setting, not him. He'd indicated he had no interest in lengthy a.s.signments that took him away from her.
She had no intention of turning into a long-term burden, though, even if he refused to view it that way. When she finally forced herself to think over her choices, she knew he was right, that James was the likely candidate. Still she hedged, until that sense of Gideon told her that he was getting farther away again, headed toward New England. Then she broke down and did it. Partially. She gave James the first and second marks.
Right afterward, she'd had to flee to their quarters, running straight to the cell, knowing that the jagged pain in her chest was going to explode in her head, the gremlins tearing her apart from the inside out. She'd locked herself in, refusing Daegan's help, and fallen to the cell floor, hated tears flooding anew as she writhed and screamed.
It was giving up, the first, definitive step to truly letting Gideon go. Accepting that he wasn't coming back anytime soon.
Daegan had explained, unnecessarily, that she didn't have to worry that James could cause her the same pain as Gideon. Most vampire-servant relationships, while physically intimate, were not the emotional bond she'd formed with Gideon. It was just a different level of employee/ employer relationship.
She'd managed a dry, humorless laugh at that idea. As Daegan had said, James was willing to serve her. When they'd initially talked about it, the staid and quiet male had shocked her-not an easy feat-by saying he thought he could handle the demands of a servant in vampire society, if ever she wanted to give him that third mark and she and Daegan needed to travel or entertain vampire company.
She wasn't sure if he knew what he was saying, but at least on its face, he was appropriate on all levels, right? He was her security chief after all. While his insight into her shifts of moods wouldn't be as good as Gideon's precognitive sense, with the marks he could antic.i.p.ate the seizures well enough, and he had the training and dispa.s.sion needed to put the restraints on her. She had Daegan for love, and in the vampire world, the strength of her feelings for Gideon, a human, weren't appropriate, even if he wasn't an infamous vampire hunter.
But she still couldn't bring herself to give James that third mark.
Despite Daegan's pressure in that area, she sensed he was more reluctant about it than he wanted her to know. When they were intimate, curled up in his bed together, hands interlaced, his body moving on hers, eyes clasped in hers, mind open, she knew he felt the emptiness around them in the shape of a person that should be there, as she did. They didn't want anyone else. They both wanted Gideon.
She wondered if the powder keg that represented her feelings about Gideon would eventually explode her brain, so she wouldn't have to face the aching truth. Needing him wasn't a choice. She didn't know how or why he'd become so vital, but she wasn't sure if she would survive without the balance of his presence beside her. On those days, she knew if she could go back in time, she would have kept him on whatever terms or lies were necessary. They would have ended up hating each other.
That said, she wasn't sure if what she felt was joy or murderous fury when she woke early one evening, emerging from her daytime slumber, and sensed Gideon sitting in their living room, waiting for them both to wake.
She didn't raise that curtain between their minds. It had been down long enough that it was weighted with her emotions, rusty and inflexible. She wasn't ready to talk to him yet. In the late-afternoon hours, she'd risen from Daegan's bed, come back to her own as she often did, to lay and stare at her ceiling in a lethargic drift of thoughts, needing that time to collect herself for the day ahead. It took so much energy to handle those voices. Sometimes she wanted Daegan to cut off her head so she wouldn't have to listen to their d.a.m.n noise anymore.
Now they were quiet. Waiting, like Gideon was. As she always did, she went to her shower, let the water wake her up fully. Brushed her teeth and hair. Slid a silken wrap over her shoulders and then turned her feet toward her doorway. She stood there for several moments, wondering what she would have done if he'd left while she was pulling herself together to face him. Probably run him down like a one-woman pack of wolves, even naked and dripping wet.
He was quiet out there, too. All through her shower, his mind touched her, a caressing knock she refused to answer. It was as if he were leaning against the door, stroking the wood, flattening his palm against it. Waiting her out. She didn't give herself to fear, but he was the match to that powder keg, perilously close. She trembled in the grip of it when she put her hand on the door, forced herself to stop and take a breath.
Willing submission. That means willing dominance as well. If he's offering himself, I take him back because I want him, desire him, not because I think I have no other choice. I refuse to be that weak, that person who needs another so desperately I would beg to keep him.
He rose from the couch when she opened the door. Daegan was already there, though from his damp hair and his open shirt, he had only recently emerged as well. She hadn't heard voices, and she understood, just from looking at them, that nothing had been resolved between them. Daegan had a particular code on this matter. Gideon was her servant. It was her right to confront him first. She suspected the men had done little more than exchange nods. Now Daegan gave her a searching, rea.s.suring glance, and took a seat in her desk chair. Stretching out his long legs, he watched them both.
"Mistress." Gideon cleared his throat.
He looked tired, was her first thought. He'd often looked tired when she'd seen him, never an easy sleeper with the many internal struggles he couldn't seem to resolve, but there was a difference. The struggle going on with him right now was somehow very much in the present, as if his worries and apprehensions centered right here, not on the past. It gave her a cautious hope, but she held her tongue and her expression. She'd basically told him to get the h.e.l.l out of her club until he could get his s.h.i.t together and accept what he was being offered. It wouldn't do for him to see that she doubted she'd have the strength to let him leave her side again, even if she had to employ chains to keep him there.
Daegan's brow quirked, his lips twitching at the provocative mental image. She was too involved in the moment to send him the searing glance he deserved.
Gideon shifted. "Guess it would be cowardly to ask you to read my mind to know what's there, rather than me saying it aloud."
"Yes," she said coolly. "It would."
He nodded, his jaw tightening. He almost slid his thumbs into his pockets. She'd missed that defensive, s.e.xy hip-c.o.c.ked stance that said he wasn't to be f.u.c.ked with, but it was also an emotional defense. One he recognized because he caught himself, leaving his hands at his sides, staying open to her. She imagined her feet glued to the ground, a steel bar up her spine, to make herself hold position, unbending.
"Being near you two . . . it's like being near magnets. We feel right, drawn together, and when we're apart, there's a pull to bring us back together. The three of us."
That was the rehea.r.s.ed part. She could tell preparing to say that much had been difficult for him. Still, she raised a brow, not giving an inch. But she sent out some tendrils of her own, enough to find he was agonizing over her frosty exterior, knowing everything he wanted was beneath it, hoping she would willingly give all of that to him if he did the right things, offered all of himself to her. She knew it was the hardest thing anyone could ask of him. But that was why he was here. He was resolved to do it, just . . .
"f.u.c.k, I don't know how to ask," he burst out, his fists clenching. "All the way here, I thought of how to say it . . . I know what I want, what I want to give you. But I don't know how to do it, Mistress. I don't know the right f.u.c.king combination of words to tell you that I feel like a f.u.c.king empty husk away from both of you, and I'm so completely f.u.c.ked-up about that. I know I want to be with you, whatever the h.e.l.l that takes or means. I know I want to be your servant. The idea of not being around when you need me, when I can help take care of you, love you, worship at your f.u.c.king feet if that's what you need, it's torment.
"I thought about ending it, you know." He gave a bitter half chuckle, missing the slip in her mask, the fear and anguish when she read it true in his mind, but Daegan saw it, coming to his feet to catch her gaze in rea.s.surance.
I would never have let him do it, cher cher.
"But you know what happened?" As if the two men she loved were synchronized, Gideon glanced toward Daegan. "He came and said I couldn't go after anyone, because he knew that was what I was thinking about. h.e.l.l, any other time, I would have done it as a big f.u.c.k-you to him, just to be contrary. But . . ."
Gideon gave that strangled laugh again. Anwyn knew it was a near sob, and it pulled her a step closer to him. He seemed oblivious to them both now, though, his fists still clenched, fighting himself and his words so hard.
"All I could think was you hadn't given me permission to kill myself. That you'd be really p.i.s.sed. And he probably would be, too. I started thinking about why that was, and all of a sudden I was more scared than I'd ever been in my whole life."
He was now staring at the floor, but everything in him was focused on her, on Daegan, longing for them both. She could feel it like a dense energy field between their three bodies.
"You remember how Daegan said he didn't make you his servant because he figured out asking you to be what you couldn't be would destroy what he loved most about you?"
She nodded, surprised he knew that. It made her realize anew how much he'd understood from her mind that she hadn't revealed directly. "Well, when I left, I was p.i.s.sed, and thought you were asking me to be what I wasn't. But eventually I figured out that you never would have asked . . . demanded it"-he swallowed-"if you hadn't known that's actually what I am. What I wanted to be."
She wondered if her heart could swell to the point it could hurt her rib cage, because her chest was aching at the look on his face, his eyes trained on the ground between her feet. "When it came down to it, I don't think I let you send me away because I didn't want to be your servant. It was because if I finally had a real reason to live, I'd have to deal with all this other s.h.i.t, the stuff that's been rolling around in my gut like a cancer for so long it feels like that acid is part of me. I don't know how to fix it, what to do. And that scares the s.h.i.t out of me, because I might never be enough for you."
He lifted his baffled gaze back to her. Anwyn was frozen, seeing something she'd never thought she'd see in Gideon's face. Long ago, tight, stingy tears had squeezed out when he'd spoken of Laura, the love he'd lost. But now his eyes were br.i.m.m.i.n.g full. As she watched, the tears broke free like a dam held back too long, tightening his face in anguish. It was the boy of long ago, who'd lost so much, surging forward.
"I'm so f.u.c.king scared of loving someone again with every part of myself, and yet it's too late. I've already done it. I know it sounds stupid, but I really thought I'd never have to risk that again. That I was done with it. Jacob, what he became. Laura. All of it hurt worse than anything to have that taken away from me, and now I can't . . . I need your help. I need you to love me." He drew a deep, shuddering breath, bowed his head, and whispered it, staring at the floor. "Both of you. But I don't know how to ask or give, or do anything but stand here and f.u.c.king beg for something I don't even understand, that I may not even know how to do anymore. I want to belong to you. Both of you."
A hard shudder went through his body. In a moment that seemed to move in slow motion, he sank to one knee, then the other. Anwyn couldn't bear it. In the next blink, she had her arms around his great shoulders, head bent over his. The second she touched him, his arms flew around her, almost as fast as a vampire would have done. He banded them so tightly around her he might have hurt her if she had human bones. As he buried his face into her midriff, that dam completely shattered. Hiding his shame in her soft, womanly flesh, he couldn't hold back too many years of loss and blood. They crashed over him, wracking him so violently even her strength couldn't hold him steady.
But Daegan's could. He was here, crossing the room toward them swiftly. Anwyn was glad, because she was pretty sure she was about to shatter as well. She couldn't bear the thought of this moment being lost to a seizure.
We are both here, cher. He put his hand on her face, against her neck, steadying her, as he brought the warmth of his presence behind Gideon's kneeling form. cher. He put his hand on her face, against her neck, steadying her, as he brought the warmth of his presence behind Gideon's kneeling form. Those devils in your mind have no power over this moment. Those devils in your mind have no power over this moment.
We'll kick their a.s.s if they even try. I've been playing a lot of arcade games.
She choked on a sob, realizing she'd dropped her defenses without even thinking about it. Her subconscious knew it was okay, that she didn't have to shut Gideon out anymore. Oh, how she'd missed having him in her mind, and she wondered that anyone could ever find it invasive and unwelcome, to have that intertwined mind-to-mind connection. The pleasure of it seared through her, a sacred experience.
Daegan put his hands on Gideon's shoulders, knelt behind him, laying his jaw on Anwyn's hands and against Gideon's skull, holding him steady between them. Which was why she got to see the brief shock cross Daegan's face when Gideon at last drew breath to say more.
"I want your permission . . . I want Daegan to third-mark me, too. I want to close the circle. The way it should be."
Daegan curled his hand in Gideon's hair, tightened so he had to drop his head back to look at the other male. Gideon resisted, still embarra.s.sed, but Anwyn took the silken corner of her robe, pressed away his tears. Then she leaned down, kissing the rest away before brushing his mouth, just a taste of what she wanted to devour. Gideon felt the same way, but antic.i.p.ating it, Daegan's grip tightened so his Mistress could sample and tease.
She felt it descend, that delicious emotional power joining forces with the overwhelming physical needs of three people. Needs that hadn't been fully met for nearly two months. She and Daegan had never been more in sync, in their absolute ravenous hunger for the man who'd just given himself to them. Whether he knew it or not, he was making it worse, because their usually laconic hunter was still talking.
"I want things I never thought about wanting. I don't really care . . . that you're male." He dared a glance over his shoulder this time, before staring back at Anwyn's midriff. "That's not what it's about. But it's as if something happened deeper than the bodies, and now-h.e.l.l, I don't look at any other guy and want his d.i.c.k, but I want everything about you, including that. It's d.a.m.n confusing to me. I want to give you something of myself, the way I give to Anwyn. I want to feel you . . . s.h.i.t, d.a.m.n, f.u.c.k, I sound like an idiot. Let me up."
Gideon tried to pull away from them both, but he'd given away his choices. His Mistress and Master, eager to seize them, were now determined to teach him what he claimed not to know. Daegan took advantage of his surprise to kiss his mouth, fisting his hand in his shirt. Gideon's pa.s.sion-starved body responded instantly, his strong hand curling around Daegan's wrist, as if to throw him off, but he didn't. Instead, he held on, a growl in his throat as Daegan flicked his tongue back out over his lips, slid his hand down to cup him with blatant demand.
"You want to feel me inside you, the way she is inside you," the vampire finished for him. "That intimate connection that says I have had your body as thoroughly as she has."
Tell him, Gideon. Anwyn met his midnight blue eyes, knowing her look could strip him even more bare, though she'd never seen him so emotionally naked. Anwyn met his midnight blue eyes, knowing her look could strip him even more bare, though she'd never seen him so emotionally naked.
Gideon wouldn't loosen his grip on her waist, but he did shift and let go of Daegan's wrist so he could look at the male vampire more directly, summoning a warrior's courage. "You remember the night we went to the tasting and you told me about Laura?"
The vampire nodded. "I shouldn't have told you then."
"No." Gideon shook his head. "In the beginning, it p.i.s.sed me off, something else you'd handled far better than I could have."
"But now you saved my life, and you're feeling a bit more smug about yourself."
"No. I guess now . . . I just feel like . . ." Gideon shrugged, uncomfortably, and would have risen, but Daegan put a hand on his shoulder, fingers near his throat, caressing him there.
"You can tell me anything, Gideon. In a matter of moments, I'll be in your mind, your soul. It would mean a great deal to me if you gave me the gift of your trust now." He gave him an implacable look. "Tell me."
"You know, it still freaks me out, the way I feel when either one of you does that." Gideon didn't say what "that" was, but it was there in his mind, and on his face. The way it felt when they commanded him.