Up In The Air Part 2

"When will you be in Seattle?" Kara asks.

"I get in Wednesday."

"Late?"

"Mid-afternoon. But I might have to go to Arizona instead."

"Here are your instructions. Listening? Go straight to the Pike Street Market-it shuts at six-and order twelve pounds of king salmon, alder-smoked. Send it overnight to Mom's, but make sure you inspect it first. Look for red, firm meat."

"I can't do this over the phone?"

"You have to see it. Make sure it's good fish."

"By the weekend it won't be fresh, though."

"It's smoked. It'll keep. Don't flake out on me this time. Don't pull another Santa Fe."

She wounds me. Santa Fe was a fluke, and not my fault. Our mother had visited a gallery there during one of her winter Winnebago runs with her current husband, the Lovely Man. (So called because he's small, he hardly speaks, and he has no discernible personality.) She fell in love with a Zuni bracelet there and described it to Julie, who mentioned it to Kara, who ordered me, on my next trip to New Mexico, to buy the thing as a gift from the whole family on my mother's sixty-fifth birthday. I did my best, but due to a buildup of errors in the description, the piece my mother ultimately received was Hopi, ill-fitting, overpriced, and, as my mother told the Lovely Man (who then told Kara, proving he's not so lovely), "positively G.o.d-awful."

"Unfair," I say.

"Well, this is your chance to redeem yourself."

"Unfair."

"There's one other thing," says Kara. "Tammy Jansen, Julie's maid of honor. She's in St. Louis now. Her car's in the shop, so she's going to have to fly up, except that she can't afford the fare they quoted. Twelve hundred dollars round-trip! I hate these airlines."

"Fine," I say. "We'll both chip in six hundred."

"I already offered. When she tried to book, though, they told her they'd run out of seats."

I know what's coming. Take a hard line, I tell myself. Don't budge. You have a policy, you've stated it often, and now you will have to repeat it for the record.

"Maybe you could cash in some miles," says Kara.

I love my sister. Unfortunately, she's ignorant. She doesn't fly on any regular basis, so she doesn't know what I've been up against out here. For years, Great West has been my boss, my sergeant, dictating where I went and if I went, deciding what I ate and if I ate. My mileage is my one chance to strike back, to s.n.a.t.c.h satisfaction from humiliation.

"We'll need to find another way," I say.

"This is ridiculous, Ryan. This is sad."

"How's Mom? Have you talked to her?"

"Call her this year, will you? She thinks you've turned into b.u.t.ter, disappeared."

"Those two move around more than I do."

"Be honest: Were you in Salt Lake last week?" she says. "Maybe you have a girl here. I'm concerned. What if you're leading some shameful double life? What if you're in trouble and need help? You're awfully isolated, the way you live."

"Isolated? I'm surrounded," I say.

"We're getting off track now."

"You started this whole subject."

"Let's leave it that Kara's worried. Now let's rewind. Tammy needs to get here from Missouri."

Solving the problem isn't my sister's goal. She rejects any number of reasonable proposals-an Amtrak ticket ("Tammy throws up on trains"); a rental car ("The long drive will exhaust her")-and insists on testing my resistance to giving something away that cost me nothing-or so it seems to her. She calls my mileage rule "this stupid glitch of yours," and though I'm screaming inside, I don't explain myself. The lines we draw that make us who we are are potent by virtue of being non-negotiable, and even, at some level, indefensible. Sally will not wear synthetics. That's who she is. Billy won't touch eggs. That's Billy for you. To apologize for your personal absolutes, for what Sandy Pinter calls your "Core Attachments," means apologizing for your very existence.

The conversation ends here: "My miles are mine."

I put down the phone. I have a plane to catch.

three.

i know of no pleasure more reliable than consuming a great American brand against the backdrop featured in its advertising. Driving a Ford pickup down brown dirt roads. Swigging a c.o.ke on the beach in Malibu. Flying Great West over central Colorado. It's a feeling of restfulness and order akin, I suspect, to how the ancient Egyptians felt watching the planets line up above the Pyramids. You're in the right place, you're running with the right forces, and if the wind should howl tomorrow, let it. know of no pleasure more reliable than consuming a great American brand against the backdrop featured in its advertising. Driving a Ford pickup down brown dirt roads. Swigging a c.o.ke on the beach in Malibu. Flying Great West over central Colorado. It's a feeling of restfulness and order akin, I suspect, to how the ancient Egyptians felt watching the planets line up above the Pyramids. You're in the right place, you're running with the right forces, and if the wind should howl tomorrow, let it.

Below me, through the milky oval window, I can see a pair of alpine lakes glowing an unnatural chemical blue, the color of pools inside nuclear reactors. Mountains topped by radio towers rise to the south and west. That's Aspen there, the runs cut like bowling alleys between the pines, the metal roofs of the lodges and second homes sending up Morse code glints of morning sunlight. It's a good day in Airworld. I turn on my tape recorder and enjoy a few minutes of Verbal Edge through headphones.

We're flying at half capacity, if that-Desert Air's discounts have been poaching pa.s.sengers. It's more than a price war, it's opera, this duel. Young Soren Morse, with his B-school line of blarney, against Major Buck Garrett, Korea flying ace. The marketer versus the aviator. Sad. Sad because Garrett, the rugged national treasure, doesn't have a prayer. He does his own TV spots to save money and comes off as a crank. Worse, he refuses to inst.i.tute a bonus program. Garrett believes that cheap tickets sell themselves, and so they do, for a certain kind of customer-retirees who fly once a year, if that.

Standing on her seat a few rows up, a toddler plays peekaboo with me. The secret involvements children have with strangers behind their parents' backs. I wink, she ducks. "Recognizance: a bond or obligation entered into before a court of law." I study the backs of other pa.s.sengers' heads. A Dairy Queen spiral of frosty, sprayed gray hair, pinned with a platinum snake. A polished bald spot dented in the center and freckled in the dent.

It's the people I'll never meet who most intrigue me.

"Seditious: given to promoting revolt."

I smile to myself. It all connects up here. Across the aisle from me a famous businessman, a securities a.n.a.lyst with his own TV show and a foundation for troubled urban youth, has fallen asleep with a Sprite in his right hand and the beam from the overhead reading light shining into his slack and gaping mouth. The gold in there is amazing, a savage image that I feel strangely privileged to behold. The flight attendant peeks, too-we share a smirk. That mouth moves markets, and look at it: an ore field!

Celebrities always seem slightly lost on planes. Five years ago, I found myself surrounded by a rock band I'd worshiped as a kid. Two of them sat alone in their own rows and two had girls with them. Their trademark hairstyles-tortured, spiky crests of dull black thatch-looked overdone in such a neutral setting. The drummer, an alleged hotel-room smasher who'd supposedly had his blood replaced at an exclusive clinic in Geneva, thumbed a handheld video game. The singer, the star, sat still and stared ahead as though he'd lost power and was waiting for repairs. His fame seemed to call for a cla.s.s beyond first, and I couldn't help but think less of him, somehow, for sharing a cabin with the likes of me.

The professional athletes stick out most of all. The moment they were scouted in their teens everything stopped for them. Just stay well and eat. They're served special meals, fat steaks with huge chef's salads, and if they want more salt they hail a trainer, who tells a flight attendant, who hops to it. The players discuss their injuries, their cars, their investments in nightclubs and auto dealerships. It's a sleepy existence, from what I can see, devoted to conserving energy. Parents push sheepish kids to shake their hands and the athletes oblige with a minimum of effort, sometimes without even turning their ma.s.sive heads. Such inertia, such stillness. I envy it.

This is the place to see America, not down there, where the show is almost over. After college, I crossed the country with a girlfriend, loading a Subaru wagon with beer and sleeping bags and flipping coins to pick that day's state highway. The girl was sheltered, the daughter of two professors who'd consulted with campus colleagues on her upbringing. No TV. A multilingual reading list. She hungered for mini-golf, for roadside farm stands, for wicked stares from old-timers in greasy spoons. She read On the Road On the Road as we drove, declaimed the thing. I knew I was being used-her native guide-and that she'd drop me once the trip looped back to her parents' cottage on Nantucket, but I wanted to show her something she hadn't seen. as we drove, declaimed the thing. I knew I was being used-her native guide-and that she'd drop me once the trip looped back to her parents' cottage on Nantucket, but I wanted to show her something she hadn't seen.

I failed. Nothing there. That America was finished. Too many movies had turned the deserts to sets. The all-night coffee shops served Egg Beaters. And everywhere, from dustiest Nebraska to swampiest Louisiana, folks were expecting us, the road-trip pilgrims. They sold us Route 66 T-shirts, and they took credit cards. The hitchhikers didn't tell stories, they just slept, and the gas stations were self-service, no toothless grease monkeys. In Kansas, my girlfriend threw away the book at a truckstop Dunkin' Donuts stand and called her father for a ticket home. She's a Penn State sociologist now, raising her kids the same way she was raised, and I doubt that she's thought twice in fifteen years about our hoboing. No reason to. The real America had left the ground and we'd spent the summer circling a ruin. Not even that. An imitation ruin.

The TV stock-picker wakes and blows his nose, then inspects the airline hand towel for lost gold. I take off my earphones and open the AirMall catalogue tucked in my seatback to browse for wedding presents. AirMall guarantees next-day delivery on items ordered in-flight, via airphone, and features offbeat products not found in stores: silver s.p.a.ce pens whose ink flows upside down, alarm clocks that beam the time onto the ceiling, portable inversion boards for back pain. Sometimes I fall for these gimmicky wonder items, sending them ahead to my hotel so I'll have something waiting with my name on it. I have a weakness for white-noise machines that simulate waterfalls and breaking surf. Lately, I can't sleep without these gadgets. The one I own now is tuned to "summer cloudburst" and I can't wait to turn it on tonight.

I narrow my choices to a robot lawn mower that tracks a grid of buried wires (dyslexic Julie will misread the instructions and send the thing careening across the street) and the safer selection, a six-piece luggage "system" fashioned from heavy nylon with Kevlar inserts. It's not a set I'd ever buy for myself-a light packer, I prefer leather, for its warmth, and because the patterns of scuffs and scratches provide a fossil record of my travels-but for Julie and Keith of the annual jaunt to Florida and the Christmas coach tour of the Holy Land that my mother and the Lovely Man gave them in lieu of a secular honeymoon, these bags should be the ticket. Pockets galore for Julie's personal pharmacy, stain-resistant if she vomits on them.

The girl is past delicate. She frightens me.

Though Kara won't forgive me if I go through with it, I owe Keith a briefing this week, the whole case history, starting with the bogus model search when Julie was fifteen. Like the other local girls caught up in the fraud, she stopped eating. She ran. She gorged on laxatives. When the promoters vanished with her entry fee, she and a few of the other dupes kept dieting. They started shoplifting, formed a little crime club. The school called in social workers from St. Paul. There was a drug bust, a suicide attempt. Eventually, something turned the girls around, though. They filled out. They got educations. They learned some sense.

Except for my kid sister. So much grief. The teenage marriage. The teenage divorce. The year in ma.s.sage school. The food fads and the pills. The racist second husband who went to Sandstone for forging savings bonds on a color copier. And only lately, in the last two years, a kind of peace for Julie, a new purpose, rehabilitating injured animals on a Humane Society rescue farm. She even has a degree now-Licensed Vet Tech-and though she's still thin, her eyes go where she points them, which I feel is progress.

Now this wedding. This Keith. I give her two years before she's in a hospital.

"Excuse me."

The stock expert looks.

"One question, sir. I know who you are and I know I shouldn't ask this-"

"Be my guest. I'm used to it by now."

"If you were to buy a single issue tomorrow-a blue chip, as a gift, for the long term, for someone who can't really handle her own affairs-what would it be?"

"The recipient's a minor?"

"Basically. Actually, she's thirty-one."

"But flaky?"

"At a fairly high level. Yes."

"Female, I'm guessing?"

"Extremely female."

"Right." The expert swabs his tongue across his gold mine. He's thinking, he's taking me seriously. Bless him. There's grace in Airworld. I meet it all the time.

"I'd recommend General Electric, but I can't. Their media holdings offend me morally. A long-term investment should elevate its owner. That puts me in the minority, but so be it. This isn't well known, but I count among my clients the American Lutheran Church. That calls for standards."

I'm inspired. I truly am. The man's a giant. And to think that, just now, I have him to myself.

"I'll tell you what I told the Lutheran bishops: load up on Chase Manhattan under sixty. Chase is your baby. A house upon a rock."

The flight's only stop is Elko, and knowing Elko, no one will get on or off when we set down. A curious city-Basque restaurants on every corner, a few small casinos, miles of trailer parks, and a Main Street boutique that sells candy panties to prost.i.tutes. I once spent an evening there with a billionaire, 104th on the Forbes 400 list, whose family toy firm I'd been called in to downsize. The man was shopping for a hobby ranch and was eager to visit a brothel, but not alone. He had me hold his wallet in case of trouble and I found myself poking through it while he partied. I felt that a billionaire's wallet might teach me something. Inside I found an expired driver's license whose photo convinced me the man had had a face-lift. Also, a credit card. White. Not platinum, white. When I think of Elko I think of that pale card, of what it could buy. Whole states. The desert itself. After the billionaire finished with his girl, we returned to his jet, which had twin sleeping cabins. I heard him masturbating through the bulkhead, seducing himself in a made-up female voice that sounded like one of those singing-chipmunk records.

What you don't want, I remember thinking that night, is to feature in such a man's dreams. I'm scared of billionaires, though not for the same reasons my father was. If their goal was just world domination, we'd all be safer; the problems arise when they tamper with individuals.

I turn on my tape again, then click it off. Too many words in one day and I go fuzzy. The flight attendant leans close. I'm sure I know her.

"Sir?"

"You're Denise. ChicagoLos Angeles."

"Just rea.s.signed last week." She quiets her voice. "We're having difficulties with a pa.s.senger. The man in the golf shirt"-she points-"beside the lady there?"

"Yes?"

"He's intoxicated. He's bothering her. I know you're enjoying having your own row here . . ."

"Not at all. Bring her up. I'll move my things."

"She's flying through to Reno."

"Send her up."

I form first impressions more quickly than other people. The woman's sense of s.p.a.ce is complicated; her every movement seems to be a choice between precisely two alternatives, one wholly right, the other completely wrong. She pauses, and in her pause she weighs decisions, rising halfway from her seat, then all the way, rotating her shoulders and then her neck, each action acute and separate, like an insect's. It's not unattractive, the way she stops and starts, but it speaks of a certain painful doubleness, as though she once suffered a paralyzing accident and had to retrain her muscles through therapy. I was in such an accident myself once, though the damage it caused is not for me to judge.

Instead of letting her past me to the window seat, I scoot over one s.p.a.ce, my briefcase on my lap. After being trapped beside the drunk, the woman will want an open exit path.

"That jerk," she says.

"They're everywhere these days."

"I'm afraid I attract them. I must send out some signal."

"It's the luck of the draw. We're seated by computer."

So here we are. It's all decided now: in what tone of voice we'll converse, how close we'll sit, how far we'll delve into each other's stories. Such negotiations happen quickly-they're over before you're aware they've even begun, and everything that follows between two strangers just extends this instant contract. We've already faced a common foe, the drunk, and established our superior humanity, but that will be the sum of it, I'll wager. Our vectors are fixed: ever onward, parallel, but fated not to touch or cross. Romance needs conflict, a collision course, but we've been doomed to agreement, to empathy.

She's not the one. The list grows ever shorter. We'll joke and kid, we'll discover odd affinities, but it's over between us, and I'm relieved.

"They shouldn't have served him. He boarded stinking," she says. "I thought the FAA had rules on that."

"They're only enforced in economy and coach. Welcome to the jungle."

"I'm Alex."

"Ryan."

Alex, I'd guess, is an artist of some kind, though not the highbrow type that I dislike. She works on contract. She's learned to sell herself. Her ugly gla.s.ses are the giveaway; their dark, chunky frames, which are just this side of dowdy, have an ironic, thrift-shop quality meant to convey independence and eclecticism. Before CTC, when I still did marketing, I worked with graphic designers from time to time; accessories meant everything to them. They'd wear a burlap sack for pants if they could find a cute belt to hold it up.

"Going to Reno for work or for the action?"

She frowns. "The action?"

"The gambling," I say. I can see that Alex doesn't bet, but I sense she regards herself as a free spirit. She'll be flattered that I could mistake her for a player.

"No, but I'd love to learn. I like the c.r.a.ps tables. All the backchat, all the jabbering. I'm here on work-I coordinate events."

"Weddings?"

"Also conventions and benefits. Instant ersatz ambience my specialty."

I contemplate two responses to this comment, which, thanks to Verbal Edge, I understand. One: I'll warn her against maligning her work. It seems adult and witty, yes, but go too far and the joke will be on you. Two: I'll laugh. I'll let her mock herself until she becomes depressed in earnest, and then I'll weigh in with a pep talk and sage advice based on my work with redundant executives who minimized the value of their jobs until the day they lost them and broke down bawling or drove to the river and swallowed a hundred Advils. I'd guess her age as twenty-eight or so, the point when working women first taste success and realize they've been conned. A crucial moment-it's when the ache sets in. Sometimes it leads to marriage and a family. Sometimes it spurs devotion to a cause. Men reach this point, too, of course, but it seldom results in major changes. That's how it happened for me in my late twenties, when it dawned on me that CTC was not just a temporary a.s.signment. I weighed my alternatives, convinced myself I had none, and here I am-subsisting on smoked almonds, chasing miles.

I laugh with her. Run yourself down, go on ahead.