Unworthy Part 15

I look up into his eyes and I can see the tears pool in his beautiful eyes. He looks utterly destroyed and lost and I know I have brought that look to his handsome face. I can't look at him any longer and I look back down to the knife as its tip stays glued to my arm, forcing more blood to flow as I attempt to press harder. I can feel Samuel's hand tighten around mine as I try harder to push the tip further into my skin, but I can't do it. Samuel's stopping me from hurting myself any further and at the realization that I can't even do this I cry harder, the tears freefalling down my cheeks as I continue to look at the knife.

"Grace."

"Grace, can I have the knife." I know what he is trying to do, but I can't let go, I can't look at the sad expression on his face knowing that I'm the reason it's there. I want it all to end. I can't stand the hatred for myself any longer, but I can't put the look on Samuel's face that I know is still there.

"Grace."

"I'm going to take the knife, OK?"

"N....no, I need it."

All of a sudden I can feel the pressure in my hand push deeper and I can feel more pain as the knife goes deeper into my flesh and the relief it gives me is so powerful that I try to do it more. I can feel the blood trickle down my arm as I watch it in contrast to my pale skin.

"Grace, no, please, come on, let me take the knife."

I can hear the emotion in his voice and as I look up into his face I can see the tears pooling in his eyes and I hate myself more.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I try to say as I shake my head within the confines of his hold. He begins to rock his body back and forth humming a gentle tune to me as he does it.

"It's OK, Grace, it's OK, I love you so much." I hardly hear the words that he says as I feel myself get weak.

"It's OK."

"It's OK, Grace."

"I'm going to take the knife away from you, OK?" I sense him take in a deep breath and then I can feel his fingers loosen around mine as a couple of his fingers gently take mine and release my fingers from the knife.

"It's alright, Grace." He says to me as he gently kisses my forehead.

"It's alright. It's alright now." He whispers to me as I feel him gently move me onto his lap and I let him do it, I'm too weak to stop him anyway. I want to feel the comfort that only he can give me; I want to feel him make it all better. I know he can't, but I like the thought that he can try. And that must be the last thought that goes through my head before everything goes black.

CHAPTER THIRTY.

SAMUEL.

I can feel Grace grow weaker in my arms, but I can feel her chest rise and fall against my arm so I know she is still alive. I don't think she was able to push the knife in too far, but there is still a lot of blood and I'm sure she will need st.i.tches.

Why did she do it? Why did she have to hurt herself?

Thank G.o.d I phoned for an ambulance as soon as I saw her run off, I knew she was going to do something stupid the moment my father showed us the newspaper clippings, but I never thought she would have done something like this. As I hold her in my arms I can't help, but feel angry at her but then I remember the reason why she ran off in the first place. I feel so mad. How could they write things like that without knowing the truth? I know she hasn't told me everything, but I know the woman I love and I know she wouldn't be like they are portraying. The woman I love, I love her, I love Grace and it's about time I let her and the world know it. I don't care about her past; it's what makes her so amazing. I look down at the woman I love just as someone comes through my front door who wears an ambulance uniform.

It seems to happen so quickly, I don't know if it's just the fact that I am in a daze, but soon the ambulance crew have Grace strapped to a stretcher with a mask over her nose and mouth and I have never been so scared and unable to do anything. What if I could have stopped her, what if I could have gotten in the room sooner, there are so many what ifs racing through my head that I can't begin to decipher them. The only thing I really know is that she is in danger and there is nothing I can do to help, I have to just stand here and do nothing as others try to help. Stand here like a f.u.c.king lemon as so many thoughts continue to race through my head and I am unable to control them.

What if she has done herself too much damage? I'm sure she hasn't, I'm sure she hasn't lost too much blood, but what if I got it wrong. I feel the sickness take over my body as I think of what it would be like without her in my life, my life would be nothing without her. Grace has left such an imprint in my soul that there is no mistaking her hold on me. If she doesn't survive than I can't survive, it is as simple as that. She is the very air I breathe, the reason my heart beats and I can't live without her. The fact that I have been living the last twenty eight years without her with me makes me wonder how I could do it. I wasn't doing it though, I just went through the motions till I saw her that night walking out of the subway and she made me come alive, she made my heart beat for the first time. I take a look at her again and I can't help, but notice how she still looks so beautiful just lying there as if she hasn't a care in the world as they begin to carry her to the elevator. Just as it opens I see my father and uncle step out of it and I feel a sense of relief. I'm a grown man, but right now I need the support and love of my father to be able to survive this. I'm only human and I need help to get through this, she tried to kill herself and as the words begin to repeat themselves in my head I feel the water pool in my eyes.

"What happened?" The words are going over and over in my head, but I can't say them, if I say them then it will be true. Right now, as much as I can hear them if I don't say it perhaps it won't be true and I will wake up from the nightmare that seems to be controlling my existence.

"Samuel. What happened, son?" I look to them both just as the doors of the elevator close taking my love into the unknown and I can feel the tears run down my cheeks.

"S...she." I rarely cry or become emotional so my father and uncle know something is very wrong as they watch me. I take a deep breath as I wonder how to even start this conversation.

"She tried to commit suicide. Suicide, Dad, how could she do that?"

"I don't know, son, but we best get you to the hospital."

The whole afternoon just seems to go by in a blur. My father drives like a bat out of h.e.l.l as he tries to get to the hospital as quickly as he can. I am aware that he is talking on speakerphone to someone at the hospital, but I am too far into my world of pain to really understand what is being said.

When we get there no-one on reception seems to know anything about the woman I love. It makes me so mad that all I want to do is. .h.i.t something with all my might. The woman on reception looks through her computer like it's the same old day as normal, but for me she is holding my future in the palm of her hand and she couldn't care less.

"That's the woman I love, could you work quicker please." The woman looks up at me and she looks like she may cry. Well, join the club. I feel my uncle's calming influence as he places a hand upon my shoulder as he speaks.

"We'll just go sit over here. Can you please tell us once you know anything?"

"Of course, sir." I hear the young lady say as my uncle and father walk me over to a far corner and that's where we stay for what feels like days as we wait for any type of news. The lady from reception nervously comes over to us to ask for Grace's insurance information and I just watch as my father takes the forms and attempts to fill them in, but like with everything else to do with the woman I hardly know anything. I know one important thing though, I love her and I can't lose her. Again hours or days just seem to go by with no news and I can feel the intense tension in my head get ready to erupt.

"Edward?" We all look up at the same time as a man around the same age as my father steps towards us with a sad look and the panic begins to rise within me as I feel my heart stop. The doctor gestures for us to follow him and he leads us over to a private room.

"What's going on, doc?"

"We've moved her to a room, she needs her rest. She didn't lose as much blood as we feared which is good, but her cuts are deeper than we would like, we've had to use stiches on some of them. As no one knows too much about her we had to ask for her records from England, her father is marked as unknown her mother as a positive." The doctor seems a little unsure how to say what he wants to next. His whole body has gone tense and I can actually hear him breathing.

"Edward, do you remember about seventeen years ago you asked me look out for a young woman and a little girl of a certain appearance?"

"Yes." My father responds and I have a clue where this might be going.

"Well I never found anything till know. Miss Ford has an unusual blood type, one that I have only seen in a few like you." The doctor stares at my uncle, but before the doctor can say anymore my uncle begins to speak.

"Oh my G.o.d. I knew it. Just take my blood and let's find out for sure."

"Can we see her?" I nervously ask.

"Of course. I will get someone over to do the blood test and then they can show you to her room. Just to warn you, she must be a very mixed-up young woman, she's going to need a lot of help especially if the blood test comes back positive."

"We'll be here for her." My father says and with that the doctor walks off to organize the blood test.

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE.

GRACE.

I slowly wake to the sound of a constant bleeping that gives me a headache. As I take in my surroundings I realize that I must be in the hospital as memories come flooding back.

"Grace, you're awake."

"I'm so sorry." I say as I try to wipe away the tears as I remember what I had tried to do. I tried to end my life, I can remember the fear I had felt at the thought of my past rearing its ugly head and how I would cope yet again with the consequences of something that wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault, none of it was my fault, but the one person who I loved with all my heart and who I thought would protect me failed me instead.

"Why did you do it?"

"It's so confusing; I wouldn't know where to start." Just then the door to my room opens and I can see Samuel's father and uncle enter my room with a doctor.

"How are you feeling, Miss Ford?"

"I feel a little weak, but apart from that."

"Have you tried anything like this before?" The doctor asks. I take in a deep breath as I think of telling a room of men something that only a few know.

"U.....um."

"Miss Ford, I know this is hard for you, but we need to know the truth. You need help and the only way we can do that is if you tell us." I know what he says is true, but last time no-one cared about me and the only way I could help myself was to become invisible and just blend into the background as if my whole world hadn't been ripped apart. The doctor comes close to my bed and gently places a hand on my own as he takes a seat at the end of my bed.

"I've seen this before you know. Someone gets rushed into the hospital thinking they have no way out other than to end it. We fix them up physically, but mentally they don't accept the help we offer and a few weeks down the line they come back, but there's nothing we can do to save them. They succeed and they leave behind a distraught family. I've seen it far too often. I've seen your records. I know you have no-one, but you have three men in this room and a whole family that want to love you. Let us help you, but the only way is to open up." I try to look around the room at the men that stand there watching me and I can see through the tears that block my eyes that they are all concerned for me. Apart from Samuel I have never had anyone concerned for me and I can feel more tears well up in my eyes as the old ones freefall down my cheeks. I try to wipe them away, but it doesn't seem to do anything, "Y....yes."

"Why did you do it?"

"Something happened and I was blamed. I couldn't take all the comments and all the looks so I went to the local river, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it; I was fifteen and too scared."

"Were you prescribed anything to help?"

"They did, but they made me feel worse to begin with and once I was eighteen I couldn't afford to pay for them any longer." I can see the doctor look at me and then look at my chart.

"Weren't your parents around to help you? Help with the prescription costs."

"I never knew my father and my mother couldn't care less."

"Miss Ford, you need to talk to someone about this. I think keeping it locked in as you have has made you feel worse. Like I said, you have a family here that would like to help; I think you should give them the opportunity." The doctor looks back at his chart again and I can feel the other three men in the room watching me.

"You didn't lose too much blood, but enough to make you feel weak. I would like to keep you in overnight. Miss Ford, I'm going to arrange for one of our counselors to come see you while you are here. It's very important that you talk about your emotions." Before I can say anything about my fears about talking to a stranger, the doctor is out the door. I can feel a hand over the top of mine and as I look up I can see Samuel's hand over mine.

"You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, but at least talk to the people who love you." I look at the three of them with confusion.

"W....what?" I whisper. "You can't. What about all the things those newspapers said. You should hate me..."

Edward steps forward and places a hand on his son's shoulder.

"Grace, my darling, we couldn't hate you. You're a part of our family." I look up at him with confusion, I'm a n.o.body to this family, they don't owe me anything so why are they being so kind? His words sound like anything, but lies. Edward stands up and removes his hand from his son's shoulder and places it on his brother's.

"How can you say that? You don't know me." They all smile at me as if they know more than I do just as his uncle steps forward.

"Grace, we know you more than you think." I look around at them, completely confused and both older men look towards Samuel and then me just before Samuel's dad talks.

"We'll leave the two of you to talk." And with that statement the two men who I have grown to love as much as I a.s.sume you could a father leave me with Samuel. We both watch the older men leave and once the door closes behind them Samuel looks towards me.

"Can you tell me what happened?"

I begin to shake uncontrollably as I imagine the hate I will shortly see in Samuel's eyes once I've told him. As much as I don't want to speak, the doctor's speech has made its home in my head and I can't get rid of it. He's right, I know he is, I need help and the only way to get that is to tell someone what happened to me. I take a deep breath and decide to start with my earliest memory.

"I don't know if it's a memory or just a dream, but when I was really young, probably about three and half or four, I'm sure mum used to work for a rich couple. This one day the owners of the home were having an argument and saying such horrible things to one another and then the next thing I knew we were being forced out. My mother hated me for that; she let me know that our perfect life had been ruined because of me." Samuel's eyes look at me with surprise and then he removes his hand from mine.

"Grace, do you mind if I get my father and uncle back in here?"

"Why?" I barely whisper, it's hard enough to tell him this side of me let alone his family. Samuel looks at me with a smile and again places his hand over the top of mine as he begins to talk with a gentle tone.

"Grace, I know this is hard, but I think my father and uncle need to hear this." He takes in a deep breath before he continues.

"Not many people know this, only the family really, but I think you need to hear it and my father and uncle need to hear about your memories. It could be a complete coincidence, but I think both you and my uncle could get some answers." I begin to shake my head as I try to make sense of Samuel's declaration, I reach for my wrist to begin pulling and releasing the band, but it isn't there. I look down and my fears have been confirmed. Where is it? I need it, that's how I control my emotions, by using that band and it's gone. I can hear my breathing become faster as I try to take in more oxygen as the walls close in around me. My body heats up and I can't help but fidget within the confines of my sheets and the bed. I keep my eyes closed shut as my fingers fiddle around my wrists and each other as I sit there. I'm unaware of where I am or what is going on around me or even how much time pa.s.ses as I concentrate on taking in as much oxygen as I can. In the distance I can hear a gentle voice, but I can't make out what it's saying to me or even who it belongs to, but I try with all my might to concentrate on the voice and soon I begin to recognize that it is Samuel.

"Breathe, Grace."

"Just breathe for me."

"I.........in and out, In and out for me."

"I....in and out."

"Well done. You're doing really well." I can feel Samuel's fingers lightly touch my back, running them slowly up and down, easing my breathing as he does it along with his words.

"I...in and out."

"Well done, Grace."

"Well done."

I slowly begin to open my eyes and I can see Samuel sat by the side of me, his fingers still running up and down my back. As I raise my eyes to see him more closely I can see he looks so scared and worried and I feel a sense of embarra.s.sment wash over me and I can't help the tears that begin to fall from my eyes. My mother's words repeat themselves in my head over and over and I want so desperately to take it out on my wrist, but I know my source is no longer there and I try to take in a deep breath as I try to control my needs.

"It's alright, Grace."

"I'm here, I'll always be here." The tears continue to fall and I dare not look up and see that look on his face, the look I put there.

"I....I...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's ok." We just sit there for what feels like hours until it gets too much and I succ.u.mb to my tiredness and fall asleep in the arms of the man I love.

SAMUEL.

I can't help, but like the way she feels in my arms.

We were doing fine right up till she went to reach for that f.u.c.king band. She has been doing so well without it and now it was like we were back to square one. Grace has never been one to give up information on her past, but I can tell her mother has really f.u.c.ked her up. My father has read the newspaper articles and it confirms that her mother saw the pictures of her daughter with me and decided to sell her daughter out to the highest bidder and it sickens me to the very core. How could she do that to her own child? My uncle recognized the woman's picture at once and now thinks that Grace is the one he has been looking for almost eighteen years. After what Grace told me of her memories I'm starting to think he could be right, but how will Grace take it? I want my uncle to get his wish, but not at the cost of Grace. If this really is what we think it is I have no idea how Grace will cope. We have no idea what happened to her as a child, but if she can try and kill herself because of it than it can't be good. How could a woman treat her child so badly that said child could do things like that to herself? I can hear and feel the steady breaths that Grace makes and I know that she is finally asleep. I very gently lay her back down into the bed and pull the sheets up around her and I can't help. but fall more in love with her as I watch her sleeping. She so beautiful and kind and it makes me so angry to think that anyone could want to hurt her. I can't for one minute think that what those newspapers suggest is true. There is no way that the young woman I have grown to love would call rape on an innocent man. That's not what Grace is like and I can't understand how a woman could say such lies about her own daughter. I step away from the bed and make my way to the door. As I step through I can see my father and uncle waiting outside for me.