Underestimated Part 44

"Drew," I said. I couldn't say it back. How could I.

"You don't have to say anything. Goodbye Morgan."

"Bye, Drew."

Dawson and I ate out on the deck. I loved my deck.

I missed my deck and the views of the endless ocean. I wasn't as hungry as I had thought, and folded the wrapper over my half eaten burrito.

"Come here," Dawson requested, moving to the glider.

I went with him, and he wrapped his arms around me. I loved his smell, his protective feel, and the security that only his arms could give.

"We need to talk, Ry," He said tracing my fingers with his.

I didn't feel right being called Riley anymore. I know that was what they all knew me by, but it seemed so superficial now, like a lie. It was a lie. That wasn't who I was.

"What do you want to know, Daw?" I asked. I owed it to him to tell him anything that he wanted to know.

I just didn't know if I was ready to disclose it.

"I mostly want to know if I am losing you. I don't care about the rest. You have no idea how hard these last few months have been. All I could picture was you being hurt, and I couldn't find you."

"I don't know where we stand right now," I told him honestly. I was done with the lies, and I didn't know. I didn't know if we could go back to being Dawson and Riley. I wasn't Riley.

"You're not seriously thinking about going back to him, are you?"

I know that it shouldn't have. He had a right, but it p.i.s.sed me off. "No, but I'm not going to lie and tell you that the feelings aren't there. They are Dawson, and I don't expect you to understand. I know that it sounds absurd, but I can't help it. He's not the same Drew that I ran away from."

"Why? What changed?"

"I don't know, Dawson. He was different. He cared."

"How can you say that, Ry? Six years. Six years he did horrendous things to you. You do remember that don't you?"

"I'll never forget, but people can change."

"A leopard doesn't change its spots," he stated. I snorted. I had told Drew that exact same thing.

I thought about telling him the whole story, about how it came that I would end up married to Drew Kelley and that I had more money than ten people could spend in a life time. I didn't. I'm not sure why. I guess I just didn't feel like we were there yet.

I was surprised but glad that Dawson announced that he was going to head out around nine. I thought for sure he had planned on spending the night. I didn't really want him to, but I wasn't going to tell him no.

I walked him out to his car, and he leaned against it, pulling my hand to come to him. He traced his thumb along my jaw line, and then moved his finger, tracing my scar. I kept both my hands on his chest, but not opened, they were clinched, almost like I was afraid to touch him. I wondered if it was because I felt like I was betraying Drew.

"You're making this really awkward," I smiled up at him.

"Are you waiting for me to kiss you?" he asked with the boyish grin that I also loved about him.

"Well, since you were planning on it anyway, you may as well."

He leaned in, and I moved up on the tips of my toes. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't, if that makes any sense at all. He held the back of my neck as his tongue parted my lips and entwined with mine. I couldn't help it. I moaned in his mouth after a moment or two. He felt so right. Was he though? He was before I forgot who I was.

Why was it different now?

"I'll see you tomorrow," he whispered to my lips before pulling away. I didn't want him to let me go. I wanted to tell him not to go, but I didn't. I took a step back and slid my hands into the back pockets of my shorts.

I thought about calling Lauren, but decided against it. Why did it feel different? Why didn't I feel like I did before I left. I would have called Lauren anytime day or night, but now I felt like we weren't that good of friends and we had drifted apart or something. I don't know. It was probably just me. I guess I was reading more into it than I should have been.

I walked back into the house and right out the back door to the deck. I missed the beach. I hadn't walked along the sh.o.r.e in months. I made my way down the rocky terrain and sat down in the still warm sand. That too didn't feel the same. The ocean almost felt like an enigma, like it thought that I didn't belong there, like I had abandoned it too. Why was I having such a hard time being there? This was my safe haven, the only place in my life that I felt wanted. I knew what it was. I just hated to admit it. It was Drew Kelley. I let him get into my mind, and even worse, my heart. I was such an idiot.

I stayed on the beach as the darkness took over the light sky. I didn't feel any better sitting along the sands of the sh.o.r.e than I did in my house. I blindly made my way back up the rough terrain. It was dark, I mean really dark. I couldn't see one white sneaker in front of the other.

I showered and decided to dust and clean my forgotten, neglected house, trying to keep my mind busy and hopefully tire myself out so that when I went to bed, I slept rather than contemplated. I didn't want to think anymore. I just wanted it to stop. It wasn't going to. I knew this when my cellphone rang. I debated before answering when I saw Drew flashing across my screen.

I took a deep breath and answered, plopping to the couch.

"Hey," I answered.

"Can you talk?"

"Do you mean am I alone?"

"Yeah, sort of. I hate the thought of you being in another man's arms or anyone else kissing your soft lips."

I blew out a short puff of air. This man was impossible. "I'm alone."

"What are you doing?"

"Cleaning house. What are you doing?"

"It's eleven o'clock, and you are a millionaire times a hundred or so. You don't have to clean house."

"I'm cleaning because I need to occupy my mind, and that's a lot of money, uh?"

He laughed. "Yeah, it is. What's on your mind?"

"Stupid you."

"You're thinking about me?"

"Not like you're hoping that I am," I lied. I was thinking those stupid thoughts. "I was just thinking about this place they call skid row in LA. It's the largest stable population of homeless people in the United States. I figure you could probably make a few friends."

Drew laughed even though I didn't say it lightly.

That was exactly where I should have sent him.

"I heard that Derik was in pretty bad shape," he commented, changing the subject.

"Yeah, I went to see him before I left."

"You did?" he asked a little shocked.

"Yeah, I think that I may be just a little demented. I took great pleasure in seeing him in pain. Did you go see him?"

"No, I'm afraid that I would take great pleasure in that too."

"You did the same thing, Drew, only worse."

"How can I fix it, Morgan?"

"I'm not sure that you can. I don't know what to do. I have Dawson here, who loves me and has always treated me like I was a princess with the upmost respect.

And then I have you, who for the life of me, I can't figure out why I would even second guess it, but I am."

"Are you in love with him?"

"I am, Drew, but it's different than the way that I am in love with you."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know. I just feel different in his arms than yours."

"Don't make me picture that. Did you sleep with him?"

"Today?"

"Yes, I'm sure that you did when you were away for almost two years."

"I didn't sleep with him today. Did you sleep with Skyler?"

"Today?" he asked the stupid question.

"You're not funny."

He laughed anyway. "Yes, I did, but I haven't seen nor talked to her in almost a year. The last I heard, she was engaged."

"Because she got tired of waiting for you to get rid of me?"

"Exactly that."

"Did you do the same things with her that you did with me?" I didn't know why it mattered, but I wanted to know.

"I'm not going to lie to you anymore, Morgan. No, I did not. It was just your normal boring s.e.x, and even back then, I fantasized about getting back home to you.

What about you? Did you and Dawson?" he asked, not saying any more than that. He knew that I knew what he was talking about.

"No, but do you want to hear something really messed up?"

"Probably not, but go ahead."

"I used to beg him to do those things to me. How f.u.c.ked up is that?"

"Pretty f.u.c.ked up. Did he?"

"No. He wouldn't dare. He cared too much. You never went down on me," I boldly stated for whatever reason.

"I know, and G.o.d do I wish I would have. Did he?"

I smiled at his comment. "Yes." That was all that I was going to say about that. I knew he didn't want that image.

"You know that night when you told me to do that.

I almost shot my load before I ever touched you."

I laughed. "Stop talking about it. You're making me wet."

"d.a.m.nit, Morgan did you have to go and say that?"

"Sorry, let's stop talking about s.e.x."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to know why you couldn't love me before I didn't remember who you were."

"Because I am an idiot, and the old saying that money is the root of all evil is very true. That's what I wanted, and I felt like you were standing in my way."

"I was, but I didn't know at the time that I was."

"I know, and you were nothing but an innocent victim who got pulled into a sticky situation."

"Why didn't you just pay me to keep your secret?

There are so many other ways that you could have handled it. I would have been more than happy to leave my life in West Virginia."

"I was p.i.s.sed, selfish, irritated as h.e.l.l that you were s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g everything up. I don't know how to answer that, Morgan. I looked at you like worthless trash who was going to be handed everything that I worked so hard for."

"What about the whole virgin thing? Was that something that Mr. Callaway requested too?"

"No. That was my own sick way of humiliating you right from the beginning. I wanted you to know what your role was to be."

"Wow, Drew."

"I know, Morgan. I don't deserve you anymore than I deserve to breathe, but I can't get you out of my head. I am so madly in love with you, I can't stand it."

"What about the whole baby thing? Why would you even think about bringing a baby into a mess like that?"

"Mr. Callaway," was all that he replied. It was enough. I could see Mr. Callaway demanding that he give him a grandbaby.