Unbearable Lightness Part 12

I stop reciting and look at my mother. She is proud. She is calm. She is smiling at her healthy daughter who has found a deep profound love with another woman. And not just any woman, Ellen DeGeneres, the woman I used to use as an example of why my public outings with previous girlfriends were nothing to worry about. My mother would say to me, "Now you're in a relationship people will find out that you're gay!" And I would reply, "Relax, Ma. At least I'm not dating Ellen DeGeneres." Ellen DeGeneres was the "worst-case scenario." She would expose me as being gay. She would force me to live a truthful, honest life, to be exactly who I am with no pretense. I thank G.o.d for her every day.

I highly recommend inviting the worse-case scenario into your life. I met Ellen when I was 168 pounds and she loved me. She didn't see that I was heavy; she only saw the person inside. My two greatest fears, being fat and being gay, when realized, led to my greatest joy. It's ironic, really, when all I've ever wanted is to be loved for my true self, and yet I tried so hard to present myself as anything other than who I am. And I didn't just one day wake up and be true to myself. Ellen saw a glimpse of my inner being from underneath the flesh and bone, reached in, and pulled me out. I continued reciting my vows to my mother although I was a little nervous about her reaction to what I was about to say. Although I was completely recovered before Ellen and I became a couple, I wanted to remind Ellen of my struggle for self-acceptance and to tell her that because she saw something in me that I hadn't previously seen in myself, my perception of myself changed. She didn't see an average girl, a mediocre girl from a middle-cla.s.s family who had to win the race and change her name in order to be considered special. She saw a unique and special person. She saw a woman who was worthy of care.

"You treat me better than I've ever treated myself . . ."

As I had expected would happen, my mother interrupts. "But you're all better now, aren't you?" She is extremely concerned about the possibility of my relapsing into the dark and lonely world of an eating disorder.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I like what I see. I'm not looking at a childhood fantasy of what I should look like on my wedding day or a bride in a wedding dress. I am looking at me. I contemplate the idea of being better and it brings to mind my favorite quote from Wayne Dyer, our friend and the man who is about to marry me to the woman of my dreams. "True n.o.bility isn't about being better than anyone else; it's about being better than you used to be."

"Yes, Ma. I am better."

I am better than I used to be.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

I am so incredibly grateful to everyone who made Unbearable Lightness Unbearable Lightness possible and who encouraged and supported me along the way. possible and who encouraged and supported me along the way.

Peter Borland Alysha Bullock Ann Catrina-Kligman Carolyn Costin Judith Curr Ellen DeGeneres Jonathan Safran Foer Victor Fresco Kathy Freston Mike Hathaway Judy Hoffland Nancy Josephson Alex Kohner Jeanne Lee Annick Muller Harley Neuman Paul Olsewski Megan Pachon Donna Pall Craig Peralta Gina Phillips Sacha Plumbridge Casey Rogers Margaret Rogers Michael Rogers Patty Romanowski Kali Sanders Lisa Sciambra Nick Simonds Dana Sloan Randee St. Nicholas Megan Stone Jennifer Rudolph Walsh Oprah Winfrey Kevin Yorn